1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Parents Vs Brother Vs Me

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by charanya147, Mar 4, 2018.

  1. charanya147

    charanya147 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    87
    Trophy Points:
    60
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi friends,
    I'm very depressed for quite some time now. .....im putting my problem directly. .....im married for 8 years....im staying in different state from my parents. ....my brother too married and in abroad for 8 years. ......nowadays im feeling that my parents are too lonely......none of their kids are next to them to take care of them when in need .....im upset for this recently because my in laws are often staying with me and my hubby is frequently visiting them like once in 40 days......my in laws are spending quality and happy time with my kids whereas for my parents seeing their sons kids is too difficult. ....though they are visiting me ( not often)....they could not be comfortable at my house. ..so they are restricting themselves in everything at my home. .......i could sense that my parents are not happy, they are missing their kids,though they hasn't said anything. .....im sandwiched in between my parents and husband. ....i want my brother to take care of my parents as my husband doing to his......but my brother is not willing to come here....he is afraid he may lose his job,carrer etc......but i want my parents to be happy. ...i don't know whether im jealous of my husband and in laws. .....but these thoughts of my parents loneliness is killing me somehow. .......for each and everything my parents are depending on me .....they want me to help them which I could not. .....my husband doesn't like that.....also i could not travel often to visit my parents since i have small kids......im really worried. ...pls give ur suggestions. ...

    Due to commitment here my parents could not stay or visit my bro often
     
    Loading...

  2. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    664
    Likes Received:
    1,006
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    I can understand your emotions. My brother also going to settle abroad in few days and I too feel the same for my parents. But there is nothing more that we can do. I just pray to god that they (my parents) should live together and try to find out ways to spend their time. Its also a blessing that both of them are alive otherwise it could become more difficult.
     
    Sandycandy and charanya147 like this.
  3. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,174
    Likes Received:
    2,465
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I don't think it's right to demand the brother to come back when he's working hard to make a living. Everyone works hard to make their living through any means necessary.

    Your parents have two children, it's only right to split the time between you two.

    Possible to make them shift next to you ?? Can rent a 1-2 bhk on the next road or at a walkable distance.
    Moving to a different state maybe easier than moving to a different country.
    This way they can also travel frequently to their home town whenever they have a commitment there.
    You can help them without them having to stay in your house - no discomforts for your parents n husband.
    You can spend time with them, they can spend time with you n your kids.
    N if you are a home maker or wfh, you may get even more time to spend with them n help them whenever hubby is off to office.
    This way you can help your parents without having to travel to a different state with small kids or disturb your routine or husband.
    This way you won't be upset or jealous and your depression will go away n your parents won't be lonely either n you will be there to help always.

    N they can travel abroad for some months in a year to your brother whenever they don't have their commitment here.
    That way their time can be divided between both their children and you can be at peace too.

    This is a normal practice in our family/ relatives circle as well, as most of them have different children settled in different countries. So once they retire, either they make a base at one of the children's house or right next to their house (it's regardless of son or daughter, honestly). Then they just take turns travelling to different countries to stay some months with their other kids families.

    N as daughters, we do have equal duty to take care of our aging parents. Even from the grandparents generation, I have witnessed daughters being the primary caretakers of her parents, this is from mixed people like neighbors, relatives, friends, friend's friends n extended circle like that. N not everyone had supportive spouses or in law's family either. If living under the same roof is not possible, atleast have them as neighbors.

    So it's not only a brothers responsibility to take care of them. You as children and your parents have to be willing to find a mutual solution according to each ones situation (mindset, financial, health issues, etc included).
     
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2018
    BeingSoulful, Zxcv, abla and 9 others like this.
  4. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    664
    Likes Received:
    1,006
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    Its not always easy to shift. In such cases elders have to find their own ways.
     
  5. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,174
    Likes Received:
    2,465
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    My explanation was for the "brother" n the "daughter" factor n that we have equal responsibilities too.

    No options are easy, it's about each ones priorities, n their financial-health restrictions, etc.

    One of my grandmas hates any other place apart from her own house in her village, all her kids are abroad, she lives alone with her clan of live-in maids in a huge house in the village n her children's visits her, n that makes her happy.
    Another granma is globe-trotting from usa to india to hongkong, moving between her three kids, n that makes her happy.
    They have the same money, same age n same health conditions, same kinda children, but their lifestyle is according to their own priorities, for one it's her root, for the other it's her kids.

    So maybe the first thing to do is figure out what the parents want, then do something about it rather than only feel depressed n not doing anything about it. Talk among the children n the parents n decide mutually.

    So if the parents does want to be next to their children, you have to find a way regardless of a daughter or a son. And respect them if they want to be left alone as well.
     
  6. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    664
    Likes Received:
    1,006
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    I am yet to have that experience. Your experience could become our choice in near future.
     
  7. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    664
    Likes Received:
    1,006
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    I am yet to have that experience. Your experience could become our choice in near future.
     
  8. charanya147

    charanya147 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    87
    Trophy Points:
    60
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks for your reply monika ji, always daughters position is troubled because of these situations. .....good to know that im not sailing alone
     
    MonikaSG likes this.
  9. charanya147

    charanya147 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    87
    Trophy Points:
    60
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks ashney ji,
    1. My parents could not stay with me due to financial crunches
    2. Im not working so i could not support them
    3.my brother can help them, but notwilling
    4. My husband and his parents are against for my parents staying near me. (They are thinking i will visit them often which they doesn't like).they are too orthodox. ...
    So im in a puzzled situation. ....
     
  10. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    1,807
    Likes Received:
    5,249
    Trophy Points:
    383
    Gender:
    Female
    If your parents are reasonably healthy now and can manage on their own I think that’s fine. The real help needed would be when they have health issues and they cannot take care of themselves. Then make sure the brother pitches in for a full time nurse and you keep checking to make sure they are ok with the nurse.
    There is no point being depressed about it now, rather have a conversation with the brother slowly about financial planning for them in their old age . Don’t discuss moving to India anymore .

    It’s not right for you to guilt him into coming back and staying with parents. It’s a decision he and his wife need to take ,not you.

    Your DH and inlaws are being very unreasonable not letting your parents stay closer but I assume you don’t have much of a say in this. Don’t fight over it now ,you need your energy to tackle this when your parents are older and you have to visit them often. Take care !
     

Share This Page