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Parents Support During Divorce

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by MammaMia, Apr 21, 2017.

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May 9, 2017 #21

MammaMia New IL'ite

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shama146 said: ↑

Dear no one is right or wrong. They are also equally tensed regarding your future.

Don't try to read into each n every line what they say. I guess at times you are over reacting becoz of the situation U r in. Our mind often becomes irrational when we r so tensed.

Secondly stop depending so much on ur aged parents. We r adults n we should know to deal with our share of problems. Be good to your parents even though at times their behaviour hurts you. They never mean it. Talk to them occasionally n don't share each n every details of ur married life.

I hope the best for u.
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Thank you Shama146. That is what I am going to try for.

MammaMia, May 9, 2017

MammaMia, May 9, 2017

#21
May 9, 2017 #22

MammaMia New IL'ite

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Emarald said: ↑

You are responsible adult. Do not expect much support from anyone be it financial, emotional or physical. Its your life and you have to be strong independent. Parents faced their own struggles, now they are old. Don't expect much.
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We can be strong and independent but might need someone to lean on in weak moments and that is what I needed from my parents. They are not that weak or old mentally, emotionally or financially. They definitely have the capability to support me during the bad phases. They are just not willing to able to think from my POV about how things they say can cut deep especially now. Anyway, I do agree the only person I can change is myself so will work on that. Thank you Emarald.

MammaMia, May 9, 2017

MammaMia, May 9, 2017

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May 9, 2017 #23

MammaMia New IL'ite

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chocolate said: ↑

OP,Be strong. You have to find your inner strength to go thru separation /divorce. Your parents reminding of old episode is rather childish. But then everybody has their own behavior. I am sure ladies here can approve with my saying that parents don't approve half the things we do or say.At the same time, you need to take this rehashing story part as a lesson and find your inner strength. If it is possible to stay independently , do so. Familiarity breeds contempt almost always. Visiting is lot different than staying indefinitely after marriage or divorce. I know some ladies may feel I am wrong but its a fact almost 75%.We heal much better if we have to heal by ourselves rather than surrounded by even family who keep opening scars. Love for family is different than how to respond to us.

Look for alternate accommodation and move there instead of parents. Stop sharing everything with your parents. If your mom brings up that incident , brush it off. Do it repeatedly and once in a while say you don't want to be reminded of it.If your parents are coming to talk about marriage to in laws and husband tell them you have decided even before meeting. If they insist you give the marriage a chance , tell them how you feel firmly.Good Luck.
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I moved out of my parent's home 15 years ago and have no plans to live with them in the future although they would like me to. I live in a different country and meet them only once in 2 years or so. My relationship with them improved vastly after I moved out so I totally understand "Familiarity breeds contempt". This is why I feel like me expecting some support through phone calls is not too much to ask for.
They are definitely not forcing me to stay in this marriage anymore. They have left it up to me to decide now. I already went through the phase where they tried to "fix" me to save the marriage but that did not make a difference. Now, I think they want to sit us down and ask us what our issues are because they think us talking to them will magically fix all the issues. They have blindsided me with these talks before and I hate it! I am planning to shut that down if they try it this time. Thanks for the advice Chocolate.

MammaMia, May 9, 2017

MammaMia, May 9, 2017

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May 9, 2017 #24

MammaMia New IL'ite

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Amica said: ↑

Potential divorce is a tough situation to be in. I hope things turn out the way you want them to. *hugs*

There is no right and wrong in your relationship with your parents. Try and figure out how to make it work for both of you instead. It will help you to know exactly what kind of support you want from your parents. Specifically, what would you like them to do for you? If you don't know/convey what you need, they won't know either.

Figure out the best way to handle them, and more importantly how to handle your reaction to them. One way is to jokingly say "you raised me like this, what to do?" Another is to be more direct and ask what we need to do now so there are no regrets in the future. If it's impossible to discuss your marriage with them, don't discuss it. They can still offer emotional support just by being there.

When something goes wrong, most people try to analyze why it went wrong, what they could have done differently. Shoulda woulda coulda doesn't help, yet it crosses our minds. Unfortunately, sometimes this results in blame apportioning. To get past that, spell out what form of help you want.

You have a lot on your plate battling your DH and ILs, don't take on a war with your parents as well. Don't even think about cutting off this relationship. Instead, be sure to thank them for loving and supporting you — this is just as hard on them as it is on you.

Good luck, @MammaMia.

.
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I am trying to work on my reaction to them. Thanks for the good advice Amica.

MammaMia, May 9, 2017

MammaMia, May 9, 2017

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May 9, 2017 #25

MammaMia New IL'ite

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dia3 said: ↑

Since u were married to the guy n lived with him day in n day out, only u can better judge him n decide about divorce..ur parents no mater how aged cant decide what is wrong!!

age is definitely not something that makes people wise or clever.....some indian parents say we are older so know more but its not true.....as an attorney, i have come across some 21 yr olds who are way more shrewd n clever n smarter and then i have come across some 40 yr olds who are so naive and simple...

i see lot of cases n age does not make people wiser or smarter or clever or shrewd !..its life experiences that shape a person...some 21 yr old if has had a challenging life, he/she would be way clever than a 40 yr old who had a very comfortable n easy life !!

don't waste ur life on a wrong man..n be assertive of what u want in life, even in front of ur parents....it is nature's law that no one gets too many chances in life so make a wise decision....

.if things go wrong in ur life, others can't handle ur problems, not even ur parents or siblings or relatives - they can just console u or support u for some time but they can't get back the time u wasted of ur life on the wrong person !

n u shud be teh best judge for urself..some indian women stay in marriage even after lot of emotional or physical abuse or even after 3 slaps - may be they grew up with extremely poor self worth/esteem... while some walk out after just 1 lie...

u shud know ur self worth..u can get ahead in life only when u are assertive and don't give in to pressures from anyone...ur life is precious so make a wise decision.....n if u r worried about re-marriage , it has become very easy these days...each of my indian origin friend who got divorced- with or without kids, got re-married easily n the 2nd hubby is much much better than the 1st one ! ..........May be because they knew their self worth and knew to be assertive even in front of family n how not to waste time on the wrong spouse n knew what they don't want in their 2nd husband so chose wisely n have a successful 2nd marriage !
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Thank you Dia. Especially for the positive stories about life after divorce. That has definitely been a factor in the decision making and it is encouraging to hear of successful lives.

MammaMia, May 9, 2017

MammaMia, May 9, 2017

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May 9, 2017 #26

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@MammaMia I don't know where you are, but find a counselor locally, that you can confide in and can advise you one how to deal with situations. My mom's advise is limited, but a counselor would be more equipped to deal with your problem, and will not be biased. I am in the US, and have an Indian counselor (an older lady), who has helped with my marriage counseling. My husband has grown to respect her, as well, which seemed to help. Had I found a nonIndian counselor, he/she would not be able to relate to the problems of an Indian couple.

Recently, my marriage has hit a real roadbump (or actually a mountain), and I turn to my counselor as my first resource. She has been able to give me clear advice and when she realized that my parents were not so supportive, she volunteered to talk to them. After talking to her, my father is much more proactive about the situation and takes it seriously (he took it seriously before, but somehow, a 3rd party makes it easier). If you cannot find a counselor locally, try one in India, who is willing to Skype. Not all counselors are created equal, so you might have to shop around, until you find one that is not biased. My counselor wanted to help my marriage work, but she is also NOT against divorce.

BhumiBabe, May 9, 2017

BhumiBabe, May 9, 2017

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May 9, 2017 #27

MammaMia New IL'ite

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SGBV said: ↑

I hope your decision to separate/divorce is not influenced by your parents. They may love you, but they do not know what exactly you want.
Their support Vs your expectation is a clear example here.

Do not allow others, including your parents to make a decision on your behalf.
Because, they can make a decision based on what they want, and what they do not want. Even though you are their daughter, your personalities and opinions may differ, and sometimes their decision may not be in your best interest.

When you make a decision like this, always take fullest responsibility of it.
Do not expect any support from your parents. Do not expect them to understand you or validate your decision.
Rather you can only expect them to be themselves.
Even after your divorce, looks like your parents are gonna think about them, talk about your issues with their folks, and constantly bring up the past when they talk to you.
So, be smart and find ways to handle such problems in addition to your own problem as a divorce down the line.
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You hit a sore spot. I definitely do look for validation from my parents. I have low self esteem now and am unable to trust my decisions fully. So, I look for that from my parents and other people. I have got to build myself up and stop looking for backup every where else. It is a case of easier said than done. Thanks for the advice SGBV.

MammaMia, May 9, 2017

MammaMia, May 9, 2017

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May 9, 2017 #28

BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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MammaMia said: ↑

I already went through the phase where they tried to "fix" me to save the marriage but that did not make a difference. Now, I think they want to sit us down and ask us what our issues are because they think us talking to them will magically fix all the issues. They have blindsided me with these talks before and I hate it! I am planning to shut that down if they try it this time.
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Haha, I have been there. Having a group conversation with your spouse and parents, does not produce magical results. Their intentions are good, but you definitely need a 3rd party.

You hit a sore spot. I definitely do look for validation from my parents. I have low self esteem now and am unable to trust my decisions fully. So, I look for that from my parents and other people. I have got to build myself up and stop looking for backup every where else. It is a case of easier said than done. Thanks for the advice SGBV.
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I am the same. I need my parents to approve, or it's hard for me to make a move. My self-esteem was very low, last month, and my mom was actually living in my house. I love my mom, but she's not able to understand that her judgment or disapproval is very stressful, and in many ways, doesn't help me become more independent. I am surrounding myself with positivity, to keep myself from falling into depression - so this means, reading happy books, watching fun shows, dancing to my favorite songs, etc.

Building yourself is hardwork. Don't let yourself lose sight of it. I started meditating and doing yoga (very minimal, but points for effort), but I noticed that the physical exertions are actually helping me feel very sure of myself.

BhumiBabe, May 9, 2017

BhumiBabe, May 9, 2017

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May 9, 2017 #29

MammaMia New IL'ite

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BhumiBabe said: ↑

@MammaMia I don't know where you are, but find a counselor locally, that you can confide in and can advise you one how to deal with situations. My mom's advise is limited, but a counselor would be more equipped to deal with your problem, and will not be biased. I am in the US, and have an Indian counselor (an older lady), who has helped with my marriage counseling. My husband has grown to respect her, as well, which seemed to help. Had I found a nonIndian counselor, he/she would not be able to relate to the problems of an Indian couple.

Recently, my marriage has hit a real roadbump (or actually a mountain), and I turn to my counselor as my first resource. She has been able to give me clear advice and when she realized that my parents were not so supportive, she volunteered to talk to them. After talking to her, my father is much more proactive about the situation and takes it seriously (he took it seriously before, but somehow, a 3rd party makes it easier). If you cannot find a counselor locally, try one in India, who is willing to Skype. Not all counselors are created equal, so you might have to shop around, until you find one that is not biased. My counselor wanted to help my marriage work, but she is also NOT against divorce.
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We tried marriage counseling and it did not work. I could not find an Indian counselor so took the next best thing - an Asian lady. My husband is not one to listen to anybody else and is very defensive. He kept telling me the lady was siding by me and was out to get him when that was definitely not the case. She told me to change things about myself as well. I thought she was fair. One day, he stormed out in the middle of a session saying he did not want to work on the marriage anymore. So, I am done with couples counseling.
I have tried 2 counselors for myself and was not happy with them. One was so judgmental, I was uncomfortable! While my mother wanted to meet the marriage counselor, I am against that because I do not need someone else to need to convince my parents to be supportive. It will feel like they trust someone else more than they trust me and also it feels like giving them too much insight into my personal life.

MammaMia, May 9, 2017

MammaMia, May 9, 2017

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May 9, 2017 #30

BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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MammaMia said: ↑

We tried marriage counseling and it did not work. I could not find an Indian counselor so took the next best thing - an Asian lady. My husband is not one to listen to anybody else and is very defensive. He kept telling me the lady was siding by me and was out to get him when that was definitely not the case. She told me to change things about myself as well. I thought she was fair. One day, he stormed out in the middle of a session saying he did not want to work on the marriage anymore. So, I am done with couples counseling.
I have tried 2 counselors for myself and was not happy with them. One was so judgmental, I was uncomfortable! While my mother wanted to meet the marriage counselor, I am against that because I do not need someone else to need to convince my parents to be supportive. It will feel like they trust someone else more than they trust me and also it feels like giving them too much insight into my personal life.
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I was annoyed that my dad needed my counselor to convince them, but I understood the reason. He doesn't want to be overly biased to my cause, and potentially cause problems in my marriage, but when a 3rd person, trained in relationship and understands the situations, says that the situation is not salvageable, especially with an unwilling spouse, my father was able to realize that he is not being biased and that it's his duty to support me.

My parents don't know all the details, and they frankly don't want to know. I don't even know if I want anyone to know, because it's very uncomfortable. The thing is, parents know their children's faults. My parents know that I can get very emotional, I have mood swings, I don't like my privacy invaded and I don't like to be controlled (barred from doing something). The issues in my marriage highlighted my faults, but the counselor made it clear that the problems are not based on my actions.

BhumiBabe, May 9, 2017

BhumiBabe, May 9, 2017

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