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Parents Support During Divorce

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by MammaMia, Apr 21, 2017.

  1. Emarald

    Emarald Silver IL'ite

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    You are responsible adult. Do not expect much support from anyone be it financial, emotional or physical. Its your life and you have to be strong independent. Parents faced their own struggles, now they are old. Don't expect much.
     
  2. DDream

    DDream Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP, Going through divorce or separation is not easy, especially for a woman. So you need to be super strong. If possible, try not expect anything (help, emotional support) from anybody, including your parents. If they do something great, good, if they dont do , its OK.. create that attitude.. that will save you from unnecessary emotional reactions. Else you only will suffer. Be strong
     
    Bestmom likes this.
  3. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,Be strong. You have to find your inner strength to go thru separation /divorce. Your parents reminding of old episode is rather childish. But then everybody has their own behavior. I am sure ladies here can approve with my saying that parents don't approve half the things we do or say.At the same time, you need to take this rehashing story part as a lesson and find your inner strength. If it is possible to stay independently , do so. Familiarity breeds contempt almost always. Visiting is lot different than staying indefinitely after marriage or divorce. I know some ladies may feel I am wrong but its a fact almost 75%.We heal much better if we have to heal by ourselves rather than surrounded by even family who keep opening scars. Love for family is different than how to respond to us.

    Look for alternate accommodation and move there instead of parents. Stop sharing everything with your parents. If your mom brings up that incident , brush it off. Do it repeatedly and once in a while say you don't want to be reminded of it.If your parents are coming to talk about marriage to in laws and husband tell them you have decided even before meeting. If they insist you give the marriage a chance , tell them how you feel firmly.Good Luck.
     
    Bestmom, sindmani, Rihana and 3 others like this.
  4. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    Potential divorce is a tough situation to be in. I hope things turn out the way you want them to. *hugs*

    There is no right and wrong in your relationship with your parents. Try and figure out how to make it work for both of you instead. It will help you to know exactly what kind of support you want from your parents. Specifically, what would you like them to do for you? If you don't know/convey what you need, they won't know either.

    Figure out the best way to handle them, and more importantly how to handle your reaction to them. One way is to jokingly say "you raised me like this, what to do?" Another is to be more direct and ask what we need to do now so there are no regrets in the future. If it's impossible to discuss your marriage with them, don't discuss it. They can still offer emotional support just by being there.

    When something goes wrong, most people try to analyze why it went wrong, what they could have done differently. Shoulda woulda coulda doesn't help, yet it crosses our minds. Unfortunately, sometimes this results in blame apportioning. To get past that, spell out what form of help you want.

    You have a lot on your plate battling your DH and ILs, don't take on a war with your parents as well. Don't even think about cutting off this relationship. Instead, be sure to thank them for loving and supporting you — this is just as hard on them as it is on you.

    Good luck, @MammaMia.
    .
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2017
    sindmani, BhumiBabe and Rihana like this.
  5. dia3

    dia3 Silver IL'ite

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    Since u were married to the guy n lived with him day in n day out, only u can better judge him n decide about divorce..ur parents no mater how aged cant decide what is wrong!!

    age is definitely not something that makes people wise or clever.....some indian parents say we are older so know more but its not true.....as an attorney, i have come across some 21 yr olds who are way more shrewd n clever n smarter and then i have come across some 40 yr olds who are so naive and simple...

    i see lot of cases n age does not make people wiser or smarter or clever or shrewd !..its life experiences that shape a person...some 21 yr old if has had a challenging life, he/she would be way clever than a 40 yr old who had a very comfortable n easy life !!

    don't waste ur life on a wrong man..n be assertive of what u want in life, even in front of ur parents....it is nature's law that no one gets too many chances in life so make a wise decision....

    .if things go wrong in ur life, others can't handle ur problems, not even ur parents or siblings or relatives - they can just console u or support u for some time but they can't get back the time u wasted of ur life on the wrong person !

    n u shud be teh best judge for urself..some indian women stay in marriage even after lot of emotional or physical abuse or even after 3 slaps - may be they grew up with extremely poor self worth/esteem... while some walk out after just 1 lie...

    u shud know ur self worth..u can get ahead in life only when u are assertive and don't give in to pressures from anyone...ur life is precious so make a wise decision.....n if u r worried about re-marriage , it has become very easy these days...each of my indian origin friend who got divorced- with or without kids, got re-married easily n the 2nd hubby is much much better than the 1st one ! ..........May be because they knew their self worth and knew to be assertive even in front of family n how not to waste time on the wrong spouse n knew what they don't want in their 2nd husband so chose wisely n have a successful 2nd marriage !
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2017
    SGBV and BhumiBabe like this.
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I hope your decision to separate/divorce is not influenced by your parents. They may love you, but they do not know what exactly you want.
    Their support Vs your expectation is a clear example here.

    Do not allow others, including your parents to make a decision on your behalf.
    Because, they can make a decision based on what they want, and what they do not want. Even though you are their daughter, your personalities and opinions may differ, and sometimes their decision may not be in your best interest.

    When you make a decision like this, always take fullest responsibility of it.
    Do not expect any support from your parents. Do not expect them to understand you or validate your decision.
    Rather you can only expect them to be themselves.
    Even after your divorce, looks like your parents are gonna think about them, talk about your issues with their folks, and constantly bring up the past when they talk to you.
    So, be smart and find ways to handle such problems in addition to your own problem as a divorce down the line.
     
    BhumiBabe likes this.
  7. penpaal

    penpaal Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP one way you are lucky that your parents agreed they will support. Many parents keep saying "you just adjust " !!
    I feel like your mind is the culprit here . It is confusing you . Just understand -the way you are going through this "tensed " situation for the first time and trying to figure how and what to do ,they are also.They are also facing this situation for the first time and trying to figure out how to support you..

    When your parents say they support you, they may have a different idea. Sometime we feel ,we need someone to hear our story and make sure we are not alone this journey. Just keep your mind open . Even though it is not exact way you are expecting , still they are supporting you.

    May be you need more clarity on how you want the situation to be worked out and you can discuss it with your parents. how you want to proceed ? what you are expecting from them. When you guys discuss more you all will be in the same page .
     
    sindmani and BhumiBabe like this.
  8. shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear no one is right or wrong. They are also equally tensed regarding your future.

    Don't try to read into each n every line what they say. I guess at times you are over reacting becoz of the situation U r in. Our mind often becomes irrational when we r so tensed.

    Secondly stop depending so much on ur aged parents. We r adults n we should know to deal with our share of problems. Be good to your parents even though at times their behaviour hurts you. They never mean it. Talk to them occasionally n don't share each n every details of ur married life.

    I hope the best for u.
     
  9. MammaMia

    MammaMia New IL'ite

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    Yep, it is that discrepancy between talk and action that drives me nuts. I have taken your advise and started to write instead of talk to them. It helps to vent. Thank you BhumiBabe.


     
  10. MammaMia

    MammaMia New IL'ite

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    I have tried tell them what I need from them but it has not worked. I might send them some articles on how to support a grown child through divorce. I have been refraining from doing that because I feel that will cause another fight. I think not sharing much with them and not expecting much from them will be the best course of action for now. Dealing with their feelings in addition to mine is not something I can do right now. Thank you Penpaal.

     

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