1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Parents Support During Divorce

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by MammaMia, Apr 21, 2017.

  1. MammaMia

    MammaMia New IL'ite

    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi all,

    I would appreciate your insight of my problem. I believe I am unable to analyze this objectively and it is driving me crazy.

    My marriage is going through tough times. It may end up in separation or divorce. The issue is my parent’s reaction to my situation. They have told me multiple times that they support any decision I take. While I am thankful to them for saying that, I think we have different ideas of what that support actually means.

    To me, that would mean not bringing up old issues and blaming me for not reacting correctly in that situation. For example, a week after the wedding, my parents had a dinner party at home for their friends. My parents in law were invited to that as well. I made sure to take care of them, fetch them food and drinks, talk to them, make them comfortable etc. However, later that night when we were by ourselves, my husband made a huge stink that I did not care for them to his satisfaction. He fought almost all night with me. I tried to make him understand that I did do everything but could not convince him. I told my mother about the fight the next day because I was upset and I wanted to know if I really did something wrong. My parents assured me that I took care of my in laws just fine and that my husband was unreasonable. Now, this happened 7 years ago and my mother brought up this issue yesterday and tells me “well, I discussed your issue with my friends and they said you made lots of mistakes too such as not speaking up right away when that fight happened. If only you had created a scene the next day and involved his parents, he would have behaved better all these years”. My parents bring up things like frequently in spite of me telling them that is a futile and hurtful discussion.

    Next, my parents will be visiting me soon. They are worried about the visit being uncomfortable for them although they invited themselves over. My husband and I had a big fight a few days ago and the environment at home is tense. When I told my mother this, she again mentioned being uncomfortable and I got angry that they only seem to be thinking about themselves so I told them to not come if they were so uncomfortable. My father calls me later and asks why I could not delay or stop the fight and simply keep quiet until after their visit. I told him it would have been an act and we would have been pretending like things were ok. But, he insisted that was fine and I should have not fought right now. This does not make sense to me. Either they are planning to do something when they are here which they have not told me about or they just want to come here and don’t want it to be uncomfortable for them. I am unable to understand why my father said that – are they looking out for me or themselves?

    There are a number of issues like that where I do not think they are truly supportive parents although they keep saying they are supportive of any decision I take. So, either they do not know how to be supportive the right way or I am being too sensitive (their words). All I know is that, after a call with them, I feel worse and not better. I have worked myself up to a point of being strong and positive no matter what happens but I feel more vulnerable and upset after I talk to them.

    I would like your opinion on who is right or wrong here? Am I being too sensitive and not understanding them or are they not able or willing to support me the right way? Your input will help greatly since I am considering cutting myself off from them for my sanity even though I have no other family or friends to help me through this time.


    Thank you for your time.
     
    Loading...

  2. Rihana

    Rihana Staff Member Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    7,490
    Likes Received:
    17,767
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    How parents react to a child's marriage troubles cannot be analyzed with certainty. It is futile to try and assign reasons to their behavior. Chances are you are being sensitive and not understanding them rather than they not able to support you the right way. As in - you are already vulnerable and stressed, and spread too thin, so anything they say is likely to make you brood and look for reasons.

    Don't cut yourself off. It will not help you and will hurt them. You could lessen the contact a bit. If they bring up old incidents, you could form a pattern of brushing it off.

    They have said they will support you in any decision you take -- and that is big. Focus on that, and minimize the rest.
     
    Jey and sindmani like this.
  3. ashneys

    ashneys Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    557
    Likes Received:
    957
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    I think it differs for every body. Like in my case, traditionally d mil is supposed to b tough on d dil's, but my mother is more tough on me than my mil. D littlest of things, like u r too boney, or too fat, cut ur hair like dis, dress like this. It cud b d tiniest of things. I love her, no doubt, but no one can drive me nuts as much. Moms can b very critical. So it cud b jus that. Yes, she is being critical n yes u r being sensitive. Given the situation, u hav all d rites to b sensitive. But moms r moms. Ur dad is jus supporting her. Try talkin to dem emotionally (pour it out) n explain ur feelings. If nothing else works n If u need a break, do take it. U r a grown individual, don live with regrets.
     
    SGBV likes this.
  4. DDream

    DDream Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    527
    Likes Received:
    819
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Dont judge or take any decision when you are stressed out or angry. Cool down. Relax and then think from both sides. It will give you a clear vision. They said that they are there to support you. Not many parents do that especially with a decision like this( read il forum). So use that support when you are badly in need of it. You are the best judge to assess whether you are too sensitive or not .. If you think you are very sensitive then you need to slow down a bit, think before you talk or proceed with anything. Good luck.
     
  5. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    611
    Likes Received:
    632
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    No.Don't cut off your parents
     
  6. MammaMia

    MammaMia New IL'ite

    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    It's just that I am confused on what that support is? Fortunately, I do not need financial support at this time. I do require mental and emotional support and I feel I am not receiving it the way I need it. Anyway, I suppose I will work on what I can control which is to be less sensitive. Thank you for your time.
     
  7. MammaMia

    MammaMia New IL'ite

    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Yeah, you are right. They are critical and have been all my life. I never used to react much in front of them before but I am unable to do that now. Probably because like you said, I am already quite drained emotionally. They are the type of parents that think they know better than their child so it is impossible to make them understand my point of view. I think I might try to cut back on how much I share with them. Thank you for your time Ashneys.
     
  8. MammaMia

    MammaMia New IL'ite

    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    My mind is muddled and I accept I am unable to think clearly right now. I also am clubbing things they said earlier with what is happening now and I am losing my patience trying to deal with them. I feel like now is not the time for me to understanding towards them. It has to be the other way around just for a little bit. I obviously don't think I am being sensitive. But, I will always take my side right :) That's why I wanted others thoughts of the situation. Thank you for your time DDream.
     
  9. MammaMia

    MammaMia New IL'ite

    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you Sunshine04
     
  10. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    504
    Likes Received:
    816
    Trophy Points:
    190
    Gender:
    Female
    Nobody is right or wrong. This is not a place for blame. Instead, try to make yourself stronger and try not to lean on your parents so much. They are your only support and you shouldn't think about cutting them off, because at least they love you unconditionally.

    I can totally relate, because my mom has also said that she is supportive of my decision no matter what I choose, but sometimes, doesn't act so. :neutral: (For example - a very minor example, my husband and I fight about me playing the traditional role of making coffee and tea for him, despite us both working outside of the home, and I do all the cooking and cleaning anyhow. It annoys me, because I don't drink coffee, and he should learn to make it, at least to help out. My mom agrees, since my dad is also a coffee drinker, and it annoys her as well. Now, she backpedals and "reminds" me to make coffee/tea for him, because he might get angry and this might affect some other plan of visiting them, or something.:BangHead:)

    I believe it's just my mom's way of dealing with my difficult marriage and feeling like she didn't "raise me right." I know, overall, that she is my champion, but it's all tough for her too and sometimes, that guilt makes her reimagine each of the fights she knows about and try to figure out what might have made things better. Its tough for my parents to hear that I'm suffering, but they're the only people I can confide in. I empathize enough to understand that, but it still annoys me.

    The way I have used to make myself stronger and less reliant on them emotionally, is by writing daily, about my emotions and the feelings I have toward my husband and family. I've been doing it all month, and I can see a serious improvement on how I deal with the people around me. In some regards, I have pinpointed why I felt so much resentment, and decided that I can't live with hurting myself, so I had to let it go. Make time for yourself, and get away from the negativity - it will surely drain you. No one can blame you for needing a couple days to heal yourself.
     
    Naari, silentlistener and Rihana like this.

Share This Page