Parallel Lines

After completing my official duties in Mumbai the previous day, I checked out of the hotel early in the morning and headed towards Mumbai domestic Airport. I was going to Delhi to attend my friend Santosh’s wedding and I had my tickets to fly back to California in two days time. I was visiting India after a gap of four long years. There was really nothing that could hold my attention or attract me here. I was having a great job in California and to an onlooker; everything in my life was just perfect. I alone knew how unhappy and lonely I was. When my company chose to send me to India on official work, I had agreed reluctantly. In time, I was motivated when my work schedule in India coincided with Santosh’s wedding, which was also supposed to be a reunion of our batch mates. More than anyone else, I wanted to meet my elusive ex-girlfriend, Sneha, who had always claimed to love me but had broken all ties with me because of our difference in ideologies! I could not move on and I seriously hoped that her love towards me stayed fresh still and like me, she too would be missing me. My efforts to track Sneha in all these years had failed as she wasn’t on any of the social networking sites and she was also not a part of any news item! She had become just a long lost dream from my past. As the taxi stopped in front of the airport, I shook myself out of my reverie.


As usual, a long queue was ahead of me at the airport check-in counter. As I restlessly stood and fidgeted in the queue, my attention was drawn by a lady few places ahead of me. Her tall stature and waist length hair had my heartbeat stop for a second. Could that be my Sneha or was that just my wishful thinking? Ignoring my surroundings I glued my eyes to her. Like Shahrukh Khan of ‘Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge’, I wished again and again for her to turn. Even as I anxiously awaited, she turned finally and yes, that was indeed Sneha, she was now right in front of me! As Sneha turned, I broke into a broad smile ignoring the stiff-lipped atmosphere of the airport and greeted her loudly, “Hi Sneha! What a surprise!” My excitement was palpable.


She was startled, but recovered quickly and greeted me with her lovely dimpled smile, “Avi, of all places I never expected to see you here. When did you come to India?” Without waiting for my answer she signalled her two male colleagues to carry on.


Flashing her beautiful dimpled smile yet again, she said, “Just finish your check-in procedure I will wait for you. Showing me her boarding pass, she said, this is my seat number, hope we get to catch up during the flight.” Saying so, she moved aside and got busy on her phone leaving me disappointed. I had expected her to be equally enthusiastic! After all, I was her ex-boyfriend and I did deserve a lot more attention! My ego was badly bruised. In all the years I had known her, she always directed the flow of our friendship. She never allowed her heart to rule over her head!


By disclosing her seat number, she had signalled me to opt for the seat next to her. Did that mean anything special? A ray of hope flickered through my heart. At the same time, she also seemed very distant and conscious! She had always confused me and kept me on tenterhooks. I observed her; she wore an ordinary cotton saree and a short-sleeved blouse. A big red Bindi on her forehead made her look sharp and old beyond her years. Her hairstyle had not changed since her college days; as always it was cascading thick and dark waist length hair. Her lack of enthusiasm or excitement reminded me yet again that she wasn’t my Sneha anymore… She had changed a lot!


As the two families ahead of me took unusually long time at the counter due to luggage issues, my mind drifted to the root of our friendship.


**********


I had finished my fourth grade when I lost my father and maternal uncle in a road accident, in California. My father was an engineer and my mother and uncle were physicians. This accident impacted our lives in a huge way. My mother and grandparents were devastated. My mother had then decided to move back to Bengaluru, in India, to be with them. I could not really understand why life had to change so drastically. I disliked India and preferred the USA, but I was not given a choice. Mom admitted me to the best school in the neighbourhood and I was to travel every day to the school in a rickety school bus. How I had hated that experience!


On the very first day of the school, I saw Sneha, a fair, tall girl with two long plaits. She seemed to command a lot of respect from the other children at the school. While being an American citizen, I had an air of superiority and looked down upon the other children in the school. In the classroom, when teachers couldn’t follow my accent easily, all the fellow students in the class had laughed and made fun of me but for Sneha. She had stood up for me and from that moment I knew that Sneha was indeed special and different! She was a good student and a very good orator. She always won prizes in the school debate. She too had lost her father and her mother worked in some private office. We seemed to understand each other's situations and sympathise. While Sneha helped me acclimatise to my surroundings, I helped her with school Mathematics and Science.


As we entered our mid-teens our status changed from that of ‘BFF’ to ‘Boyfriend and Girlfriend’. As my educational goals were very clear from the beginning, I studied hard to get into the best Engineering College in Bengaluru. Since Mathematics was not one of her strongest subjects, Sneha was confused. But not wanting to be separated from me, she too had opted to work hard and get into the same engineering college.


It was somewhere during our second semester that Sneha started drifting towards campus politics and began fighting for the rights of the other students. Often I used to find this very distracting and she would say, “Avi, you have always enjoyed a privileged upbringing. You won’t understand what problems other students face. How can we be so selfish and self-centred?” She would argue passionately, “Avi, my father was a Trade Union leader and was killed by his opponents. I have the same blood in me. I don’t like the high-handed behaviour and bias of some of our professors and the management. If we don’t unite and oppose, those students’ lives will be scarred for life.”


Though I did not really understand the depth of her words and feelings, I had decided to support her from outside. When she was in the fifth semester, she even contested the College Students’ Union elections and became the Secretary of our College Union. All these extracurricular activities affected her studies badly. But just days before exams she would camp in my house and manage to clear exams with my help. Sneha would immerse herself in the College Union works even during vacations.


As we matured our difference in ideologies came in the way of our love. I loved her and admired her immensely. There wasn’t a moment that I would not think of her. Mum was also fond of Sneha. But Sneha always maintained a studied distance, even while professing love for me! I appreciated her commitment to her chosen cause but found it difficult to accept that I was not her first preference.


I was a supporter of an individual’s freedom and development. My firm belief was that in every society if every individual member works hard and develops himself, the development of the society happens naturally. No special effort or sacrifice is needed. The role of any government is only to ensure fair opportunities for all.


On the other hand, Sneha believed in an ‘individual’s sacrifices’ and special efforts from the government in reining in the financial growth ‘in just a few pockets’, so that every individual gets an equal opportunity. Sneha believed that development of a society was more important than that of an individual’s development. Sneha often said, “Avi you are a citizen of a developed nation, with beliefs in capitalism. You have never seen poverty, struggle or discrimination. I am a citizen of a developing nation, which is yet to discover what will help it achieve its goals. Sadly, even after sixty odd years of independence, we are yet to get out of our mental blocks and complexes. In our country, only socialism can bring about a balance. My goal is just that. We Indians have enough brains and resources that in just a few years we can be on par with the Americans. But that is possible, only when we change our political system and uplift our masses.”


Her arguments often hurt and isolated me. In retaliation, though unconsciously, I too started supporting capitalism intensely. Her staunch adherence to her ideology made me also a stubborn supporter of my own ideology. Love had suffered in our ego and ideology battle. I could not really identify with Sneha’s ideology and beyond that, I also had my duties towards my mother. Mom wanted me to complete my MS and settle in California; it was my parents’ dream and I had to fulfill it.


Once during one of our intimate moments I had complained, “Sneha, I don’t doubt your love for me. But I can feel the distance between us increasing every day. I hate to lose you to anybody, anything or any cause.”


Leaning on to me, she had said, “I live in the present; to me, enjoying your company now means everything. I love you more than I love myself. But my life is not my own. I don’t have the luxury of thinking about myself alone, my duties towards my society are far more important to me.”


“Am I not a part of that society? Don’t you have any obligation towards me? What is the future of our relationship?” I had snapped.


“Avi, personally you mean more than anything to me. But my work will not allow us to live together ‘Happily ever after’. There is no future for our relationship. Please, don’t expect the normal ‘Man-Woman relationship’ from me. You are free to leave me and move on… but I shall always love you.”


When I tried to reason, she had put her finger on my lip and said, “For the sake of tomorrow let us not spoil our today. Let us enjoy our friendship and togetherness as long as it lasts.”


So often I had tried to decode Sneha, her views on love and life. I had even wondered whether she was just using me while I really meant nothing to her. Still, my own love for her kept me hoping that she would change her stance. But the fear of losing Sneha forever always troubled me. I had comforted myself that eventually, our love would triumph over our differences.


Our last semester kept us busier than ever before, with projects. While we studied hard to excel, Sneha followed through her own agenda and walked alone in her chosen path. I could see Sneha getting tougher inside-out. Her dressing now saw a major transformation. She was less caring towards her looks and had made ‘denim pant and kurti’ her regular attire. Not only me, but none of my batch mates understood her.


At last, our graduation course was completed and during the college farewell party, even as all were enjoying the music and dance, Sneha had requested, “Avi, I am getting bored. Can we skip the party and get out? Today is the last day we get to spend time together by ourselves. Tomorrow onwards we will be headed in opposite directions. Please Avi, for the sake of old times …” I could see her large eyes turn misty; I couldn’t let her cry. She was my love! In no time we sneaked out of the party and headed on my bike to our favourite place, terrace of my house.


There as I held Sneha in my arms, she dug her head into my chest; she was struggling to fight her tears.” Avi, I will find it very tough to leave you and go. No matter where I will be, I shall always love you.” Sneha was crying now.


“Sneha, what makes you feel that you cannot carry on your crusade after our marriage? Just come with me to California; we can work together for your chosen cause.”


“No, Avi, ideologically we are like the two opposite poles. I cannot wipe the tears of the downtrodden in my country, staying in America. I am a part of them, not apart from them. My people want- me, my time and support and not just a few dollars in charity.”


In my last bid to save our relationship, I had pleaded, “But Sneha isn’t money equally important. In what way is it wrong to choose an atmosphere that nourishes our scientific temperament and talent? While it definitely makes us wealthy, it also benefits our society. Come on Sneha, with your misplaced ideals you are sacrificing our love. Are you not being unfair towards us? Please understand me. I am not against the poor and I have never run away from my social obligations. If you really love me as you profess, can’t you give up all these for my sake?”


“Can you?” She had shot back sharply, leaving me speechless.


Our society has always expected women to sacrifice and not men. I could never imagine a life of struggle for the benefit of the society. I realised the futility of trying to convince her anymore, as I had no moral right to expect her to leave her beliefs and embrace mine when I didn’t have the guts do the same for her. We were like the two parallel rails of a track which stay together but never merge. I remembered mum saying, “An unrequited love story has a better recall value than a spoilt love story. Perhaps you are not meant to be together. Let go of her, gracefully.”


I noticed Sneha tensing her facial muscles and turning away. After a couple of minutes, wiping her tears, she said firmly, “This discussion will not lead us anywhere. Despite all our differences…I shall always love you. All those lovely moments we spent together from our childhood till now shall always be in my heart. Due to our difference in ideologies, we have moved apart from each other like the two arms of the alphabet Y. Now on… we can only grow apart further. There is simply no chance of our union.”


Tears were flowing from our eyes as we still held on to each other. The night was dark and still. I wished the world would come to an end then and there, with Sneha still in my arms.


Following a few moments of silence, picking up her purse, she said, “Avi, I wanted to spend these few moments with you before moving away to fulfill our chosen obligations. I may never meet you like this, ever in future. I am setting you free to achieve all that you want, get married when you meet a suitable girl and live happily. From this day onwards we shall meet strictly as friends and nothing more than that.”


Our separation was painful but unavoidable. With heavy hearts, we went our separate ways to accomplish our dreams and aspirations.



**********


Tapping on my shoulder by another passenger behind me brought me back to the present. I checked in and met Sneha, who was waiting for me. With a glint of hope, I searched for our lost love for her. In the place of our love, discomfort and hesitation were clear. As we boarded the flight and took our seats, an awkward silence separated us and we sat like two strangers. Our formal behaviour was suffocating me. Too many questions and feelings clogged my thoughts. We had graduated from a couple who could talk endlessly about everything under the sun, to two strangers struggling to make a decent conversation!


When I questioned Sneha about her present life, she was evasive and guarded in her speech. Perhaps that was the ‘Party code’ and I was a strict ‘Outsider’! When she questioned me, I too was evasive as I did not want to jeopardise my company’s business interests and plans by disclosing them prematurely. Our professional interests meant more than our old friendship! I could not believe that in just four years we had really grown apart so much!


**********


At the Delhi airport, as I moved to collect my luggage, Sneha said, “Other than this cabin bag I don’t have any luggage.”


We both stared at each other silently. Parting was now imminent. My heart was beating loud and fast. I once again wished for a miracle or a catastrophe, to keep us together until the end.


Twiddling her fingers, she said, “I wanted to attend the wedding just to see you. Now I won’t be. I better concentrate on my work in Delhi before moving to Chennai.”


I stood speechless and transfixed. Did that mean, I had no chance of ever having Sneha as my love, in my life? Were our ideologies bigger than our love? I wanted Sneha to change her mind and come into my life. Would she? So many thoughts and wishes were running amok but my own ego refused to change my own stance to accommodate Sneha. Did that mean, I loved myself more than I loved Sneha?


I recalled a poem I had read some time ago, “I miss someone,

Who isn’t mine to miss.

I dream about someone,

Who isn’t mine to dream about.

I love someone,

Who isn’t mine to love.”


Even as I was lost in my own dilemma, doing a formal ‘Namaste’, Sneha said, “All the best to you, Avi. Take care.” and walked away quickly while I stood teary-eyed. Was she also expecting me to change my stance? Was she also having tears in her eyes? I wished her to look back for the last time but she didn’t turn back…!


As I collected my luggage, I realised, no matter how much we love another person, first of all, we always love ourselves a little bit more. Love has no chance of survival as long as we nurture our ego. I pushed my luggage trolly and walked towards the exit gate, without bothering to wipe my tears that trickled.


**********END**********

 

@MonikaSG

Thanks for the first comment and also liking the story. Also thanks for analysing in detail, it is so nice of you.

 

@Sandycandy

Thanks for your nice comments, you made my day

 

@nandinimithun

Thanks for your visit and comments. You are right; we love ourselves a little more and give more importance to 'I'.

 

Well said, Nandu.

All the problems are within us,
And the solutions are also within us.
It's for us to churn the ocean within
And pick up Amrit or Vish
According to our own Karmas n Vasanas.