Panicked.. Need Advice Badly

SimplelLife · Feb 26, 2019

Hi everyone.. let’s go straight to the point. As I mentioned in my last thread I visited my sister in law for 15 days after her delivering a baby.. and I was concerned about my peaceful stay with mil there. Anyways.. to an update 14 days went by nicely.. I was helping when I could , not taking any burden.. I played smart and didn’t fooled by mil or sil.. on my last day mil made a fuss out of a very small thing.. she used to call my daughter by a funky name and I asked her not to call her like that since people will make that her permanent name.. and will make fun of it, which happens at my in laws place. And one more thing she used to stop her by saying some particular word for something in her native language so I asked her to say that in Hindi or English which she already. knows by giving her reasoning that if my daughter will say that native word to anyone, no one will have any clue what she is saying .. and I said both the things nicely and she was all right that time.. no issue at all. Later she made huge fuss out of these 2 things in absence of me , cried in front of dh, fil and bil telling them half story and just hiding that I have her proper reason for not to doing so. Anyway.. dh fought with me over this thing, and asked me if I gave her reason for this, I said Him whole story and he again went to mil asked her why she is behaving like that and asked her if she were ever never interrupted someone for something she is feeling is not right for her sons.. her drama went over her .

Later dh asked her to talk to me and make things cleAr.. she came to me saying what is your problem..and I gave her my piece of mind straight.. I told her straight away that just think about what are you doing in my life from past so many year .. you don’t need to ask me .. you spoiled my relationship with my husband. I tried to not talk much over anything to her but sent her a clear message that she is not welcomed in my life now saying if I were the one who used to do all the things you were doing in my life and in between me and my husband .. if I were the one who used to make fights between you and fil then the kind of feeling you would have had for me I have the same feeling for you. She tried to made so much drama at time as well .. tried to overpower situation saying other things but again I told her straight my daughter is the only one who matters to my .. I don’t care about you so your son either anymore.
Next day morning we came back having a heavy heart and mind and soul. I did my best to avoid everything in those 14 days and still she find something to lit a fire between me and dh. I removed her from fb.. blocked her in what’s aap.. stopped talking to her .. when husband got to know this he again shouted and tried to made me frightened , long face and everything.. but I didn’t care ..
Now she is coming here to stay with us ... he told me 2 days back that mummy wants to come here to stay with us .. just for an idea for back at bil’s place.. mil have to do all the chores she avoided here at time of my delivery.. doing all the house work .. keeping baby.. changing her every time she is doing dirty diaper.. all the things .. sil is handling her quite well.. (at time of my delivery both sil and mil never stayed together before so they had no idea about their real self but during that time their relation become strained.) if she misses something she complains to bil in the same manner mil does for little things. She is done with all the work load and so wants to come here or god knows better. I am not at all in a race of becoming a good dil and I won’t allow her to take my advantage . But this throwed me in anxiety.. from past 2 days I am just thinking about how horrific things she will again made between me and dh.. I am done with her drama... wants to run away. I know she and dh and fil didn’t made it huge that time since sil was also there.. but here at our place dh would be in total mood of supporting them. Actually I don’t need his support as well I just want him to be fair which he never have been in the past. I feel I am just worried about loosing the peace only. From past 2 days I am just thinking about this .. they will just gather and atack me once again. Please give me some strength.

SimplelLife · Feb 28, 2019

Please some one reply

GlobetrotterG · Feb 28, 2019

Please do not get the anxiety. I Suggest take a good walk, do some yoga or meditate. All these will help you overcome the tension.

GeetaKashyap · Feb 28, 2019

@SimplelLife ,

Accept some facts:

She is your husband's mother and she has played s crucial role in his upbringing. She is also older. Don't try to belittle or insult her as this will definitely bring distance between your hubby and you. Deal with her respectfully. Weigh your words before you utter as they cause irreparable damage.

Now, since you have already expressed yourself to her, hope she has got your message loud n clear. In your house, you are the boss. Be a good host, respect her status, do your duty but...be firm when she tries to violate your space. Never try to alienate your hubby and be the cause of unhappy marriage. In a marriage, you may have to ignore, forgive and forget many issues for your own good.

Keep yourself busy with your routine and maintain a studied distance and peace during her stay at your place. If necessary, have a peaceful talk with your hubby, express your apprehensions, seek his support and make a pact before her arrival.

These things happen in most families with some pluses and minus. Put your managerial skills to better use and be happy.

All the best.

peartree · Feb 28, 2019

What I am going to say is probably not going to sit well with you or many others here, but I am going to say it anyway.

I think you overreacted a little, with trying to control how your MIL was interacing with your child and I can relate to your MIL feeling affronted by that. My MIL did that too, called my daughter by a cutesy name and it somehow just irritated me a lot, where as my mom would use some endearing words to refer to my daughter and that wouldn't bother me as much. My sister was the one who noticed my behavior and called me out on it. At that time, my daughter used to respond to being called by whatever name and eventually, as she grew up, she was obviously more used to listening to being called by the names given by their parents and that's what will stick with the child. So unless your MIL is doing stuff like telling your daughter her name is AAAA and not BBBB, you should just look past it.

Similarly, grandparents and grandchildren have ways to interact, so what's the big deal if your MIL says something to your child in her native language? If you want your child to learn the Hindi or English equivalent of that word, teach her later!! Unless the MIL is saying something inappropriate or objectionable to child, I don't see any reason for you to interfere on how your MIL should interact with your child. However nicely you say it, I think there's a bit of a control issue here, you keep monitoring what/how your MIL interacts with your child and you try to control it. And that can be annoying, no matter how nicely you say it.

I obviously don't know what your other issues are with your MIL, but this is what I feel about the specific scenarios you have mentioned.

SimplelLife · Mar 1, 2019

Thanks everyone for taking your time and giving me a different perspective. @GeetaKashyap I will keep in mind your suggestions.
@peartree as you said obviously I don’t know other issue.. which is true .. it is hard for anyone to keep track of hundreds of things happening here and there in any forum, so yes it’s obvious. About calling by a name thing .. I don’t want a funny name for her because the people around always make fun of it e en when she will grow up. Dh does have such name and they still call him by that even in comment on fb by that name . He has some friends from his profession too . you can imagine how it feels. They still tease my bil for some of his childhood problem.. yes it was a problem not habit.. still they don’t have an understanding and always made fun of it when there are other 20-30 people are around. I dont want my daughter to suffer for anything.
About the controlling thing... you rightly said I am controlling the way she interacts with my daughter. She controlled how I interact with dh, with my friends and whAt not. She tried to control everything around me. many in laws want s their grand children but can not tolerate a slitest smile in their dils life.. still people expect us to be nice irrespective of their acts and bad intentions.. even if I want I can not stoop to her level of meanness but I don’t want any influence of her in my daughters life.. because I am afraid she will poison her mind the way she does with dh. I am afraid of the thing that she is coming and me and dh will fight for another 2 years. She always made blunder out of no where. And I am very much sure she will give me reasons to interrupt like they have a habit to doing whispering about me and sil for sure.. she does this at bils place as well in front of my daughter. Even dh has the same habit, whenever we have a gathering he will come and whisper things in my ear.. this is not the way 2 adults behave.. thanks for explaining things

Ammu2886 · Mar 2, 2019

SimplelLife said: ↑

Hi everyone.. let’s go straight to the point. As I mentioned in my last thread I visited my sister in law for 15 days after her delivering a baby.. and I was concerned about my peaceful stay with mil there. Anyways.. to an update 14 days went by nicely.. I was helping when I could , not taking any burden.. I played smart and didn’t fooled by mil or sil.. on my last day mil made a fuss out of a very small thing.. she used to call my daughter by a funky name and I asked her not to call her like that since people will make that her permanent name.. and will make fun of it, which happens at my in laws place. And one more thing she used to stop her by saying some particular word for something in her native language so I asked her to say that in Hindi or English which she already. knows by giving her reasoning that if my daughter will say that native word to anyone, no one will have any clue what she is saying .. and I said both the things nicely and she was all right that time.. no issue at all. Later she made huge fuss out of these 2 things in absence of me , cried in front of dh, fil and bil telling them half story and just hiding that I have her proper reason for not to doing so. Anyway.. dh fought with me over this thing, and asked me if I gave her reason for this, I said Him whole story and he again went to mil asked her why she is behaving like that and asked her if she were ever never interrupted someone for something she is feeling is not right for her sons.. her drama went over her .

Later dh asked her to talk to me and make things cleAr.. she came to me saying what is your problem..and I gave her my piece of mind straight.. I told her straight away that just think about what are you doing in my life from past so many year .. you don’t need to ask me .. you spoiled my relationship with my husband. I tried to not talk much over anything to her but sent her a clear message that she is not welcomed in my life now saying if I were the one who used to do all the things you were doing in my life and in between me and my husband .. if I were the one who used to make fights between you and fil then the kind of feeling you would have had for me I have the same feeling for you. She tried to made so much drama at time as well .. tried to overpower situation saying other things but again I told her straight my daughter is the only one who matters to my .. I don’t care about you so your son either anymore.
Next day morning we came back having a heavy heart and mind and soul. I did my best to avoid everything in those 14 days and still she find something to lit a fire between me and dh. I removed her from fb.. blocked her in what’s aap.. stopped talking to her .. when husband got to know this he again shouted and tried to made me frightened , long face and everything.. but I didn’t care ..
Now she is coming here to stay with us ... he told me 2 days back that mummy wants to come here to stay with us .. just for an idea for back at bil’s place.. mil have to do all the chores she avoided here at time of my delivery.. doing all the house work .. keeping baby.. changing her every time she is doing dirty diaper.. all the things .. sil is handling her quite well.. (at time of my delivery both sil and mil never stayed together before so they had no idea about their real self but during that time their relation become strained.) if she misses something she complains to bil in the same manner mil does for little things. She is done with all the work load and so wants to come here or god knows better. I am not at all in a race of becoming a good dil and I won’t allow her to take my advantage . But this throwed me in anxiety.. from past 2 days I am just thinking about how horrific things she will again made between me and dh.. I am done with her drama... wants to run away. I know she and dh and fil didn’t made it huge that time since sil was also there.. but here at our place dh would be in total mood of supporting them. Actually I don’t need his support as well I just want him to be fair which he never have been in the past. I feel I am just worried about loosing the peace only. From past 2 days I am just thinking about this .. they will just gather and atack me once again. Please give me some strength.
Click to expand...

Dear OP,
I do understand your situation.I know it hurts when your kids get teased or when someone calls them with funky names.As a mother we will not be able to digest it..
I too faced these kinds of situations
Most of the times I try to let it go by thinking why to create an issue..But I will be very upset and stressed out and I dont discuss it with my hubby because when he questions his mom she will feel bad for sure and I don't want it to happen. But when the situation demand I directly talk to my MIL saying not to call the kid with such name in front of his cousins because they too tease him and he will lose his self confidence .
She will get angry on my queries and she will start fighting but I keep quite.My work was only to make her understand that she shouldnt have told this to the kid as he was very small..I don't argue with her for the later talks...she keeps shouting for next for hours...Once she is calm I will talk to her normally as though nothing else happened...m

And deleting from facebook or blocking in wats app is not a good idea because because you will lose your own peace.MIL tries to complain hubby and Hubby starts showing faces until the task is accomplished.

And these are life long relations..Cannot put and end with full stop..They need us and we need them to.

What I suggest is let her visit your place...Dont lose your inner peace...Be normal with her and try to forget the past...you have conveyed her what you wanted her and it is her choice how she takes it.You don't strain and dont take the past forward.

SimplelLife · Mar 3, 2019

Ammu2886 said: ↑

Dear OP,
I do understand your situation.I know it hurts when your kids get teased or when someone calls them with funky names.As a mother we will not be able to digest it..
I too faced these kinds of situations
Most of the times I try to let it go by thinking why to create an issue..But I will be very upset and stressed out and I dont discuss it with my hubby because when he questions his mom she will feel bad for sure and I don't want it to happen. But when the situation demand I directly talk to my MIL saying not to call the kid with such name in front of his cousins because they too tease him and he will lose his self confidence .
She will get angry on my queries and she will start fighting but I keep quite.My work was only to make her understand that she shouldnt have told this to the kid as he was very small..I don't argue with her for the later talks...she keeps shouting for next for hours...Once she is calm I will talk to her normally as though nothing else happened...m

And deleting from facebook or blocking in wats app is not a good idea because because you will lose your own peace.MIL tries to complain hubby and Hubby starts showing faces until the task is accomplished.

And these are life long relations..Cannot put and end with full stop..They need us and we need them to.

What I suggest is let her visit your place...Dont lose your inner peace...Be normal with her and try to forget the past...you have conveyed her what you wanted her and it is her choice how she takes it.You don't strain and dont take the past forward.
Click to expand...

See .. how beautiful you made me understand things
Thanks a lot for your patience to read it and showing me a way to going through it. Because of all of your guidance I am feeling much more confident. Today dh told me when they are coming and I was absolutely normal..no panick attacks afterward . I am ready to deal with her once again. Thanks you

agdimple333 · Mar 3, 2019

I am also in similar situation, with lot more moving parts. My mil manipulates and is PhD in dramas by manipulating reality. I have talked to her personally but it got worst... anyways.
But one thing i would advice that i have learnt from my past experience is your husband matters you most. So if you have to do a thing here and there for him be it. I know it feels irritating that inspite you do soemthing , husband has tantrums, faves, no support to wife etc. but think that you are doing for yourself
So keep calm when they are here thinking that this is not permanent, its a phase that shall pass. Keep yourself engaged in other activities and play it smart. And most importantly when your husband talks about them dont react just respon in normal tone.. that will probably go a long way..
Hope the time with your il goes smooth.

SimplelLife · Mar 3, 2019

agdimple333 said: ↑

I am also in similar situation, with lot more moving parts. My mil manipulates and is PhD in dramas by manipulating reality. I have talked to her personally but it got worst... anyways.
But one thing i would advice that i have learnt from my past experience is your husband matters you most. So if you have to do a thing here and there for him be it. I know it feels irritating that inspite you do soemthing , husband has tantrums, faves, no support to wife etc. but think that you are doing for yourself
So keep calm when they are here thinking that this is not permanent, its a phase that shall pass. Keep yourself engaged in other activities and play it smart. And most importantly when your husband talks about them dont react just respon in normal tone.. that will probably go a long way..
Hope the time with your il goes smooth.
Click to expand...

Thanks for some more insights..
ignoring.. that’s what I am doing from past 2 years straight.. I literally stop being myself in their home... stop doing things for people she is not liking .. and I am feeling it only gave her more power.. this time when I was with her for 2 weeks later and for 1 week one more time earlier she was all trying to provoking me by saying things ... she was not doing like that before.. she used to provoke dh when I am not around by manipulating things .. telling him half of the story etc. and now I have daughter so she has one more thing to complain about.. still when she wanted to fight she find something. Anyways who cares... this forum gave me so much strength and insights... thanks everyone again