Pangs of parting...

Parting

Dear Ambika,

All of us pass through this phase in life and each mother feels the same way. Yet our individual feelings are special and only we can understand the sorrow. Two years ago, my son left for his studies to Kharagpur (IIT) and last year my daughter left for Ahmedabad for her PG (at NID). As you have written, I too was reminded of the day I left my children in school for the first time. In fact, much before I became a mother, whenever I passed to through Nursery Schools and saw innocent children crying for their mothers, I would cry. I was dreading the moment that I would go away leaving my little ones in a strange place. What a trauma that is! I was a working mother and when I had to join duty after my childbirth, I would feel terrible and would want to quit my job. Due to many reasons, I could not take that drastic decision and my mother would pacify me and always wanted me to stick to my career. She sacrificed a lot to give me the comfort of going to work and staying away from a traumatised home of inhuman in-laws. Since my children got the secure protection of my loving mother, I continued with my job till 1999. Then when I saw that my job was not letting me spend even Sundays with my children and my son who came back from school in the afternoon, started turning into an introvert, I simply kicked my job one fine day. Till today, many of my friends feel I was foolish to have quit my job, where I was really doing well. But I have never repented because I got to spend 6 precious years with my grown up children, because I knew afer 6 years, they would go away from me and I could never pardon myself for not being able to spend any quality time with them for life! Now I know this parting is almost permanent and that's what makes it very painful. I realised how mature and strong my son was at 17 when he replied my sob-letter about the pangs of parting in a very beautiful way. Till today, whenever I express my fear that he might change when he gets married, he gets upset and says that I feel insecure only because I do not trust him, which makes him sad. I cherish the lovely moments that we both spent lying down beside each other and sharing our thoughts. I know that physical nearness can never be enjoyed once he gets married but I am proud that my son really understands my concern and feels that physical distance never matters in a good relationship. He advises me that if at all I believe in God, I should believe that my son is always with me, wherever he may physically be. I am happy that he is such a mature and strong personality. Of course I cried for days on end when the two of them left me but I now wait eagerly for the vacations, when I can be with them for at least a month. I now am in anguish as to how I am going to see my daughter go away with a total stranger and change her priorities, as I did 25 years ago. But life is like that. In fact, I am just back from a marriage and my brother and sister were ragging me for crying in all weddings when the girl is sent away to her married home. They wonder how I am going to face this situation in my own life. The day my daughter was born, I started worrying about this situation. My husband said, "that's very selfish of you. You have enjoyed your married life and got this cute little daughter and how can you not give the same pleasure of motherhood to her?" That's very true. Maybe God has designed life this way to prepare us gradually for the big parting that we have to face when we leave this beatiful earth. Since our entire life is planned around the welfare of our children, we cannot accept the hard truth that they no longer need our support. I have written a few poems and middles on this issue.

Wish you all the best to face this phase with strength and positive approach. Ambika, you have loads of positive attitude and I am sure you will swim through this tide boldly.

With love,

Sudha Narasimhachar

 

Ambikaji,

"Dont cheat any girl or get cheated by any,"

Very touching word and advise for yr son.My daughter got married and is abroad,she is happy, but we miss her.

But we also know she is happy, but the feeling of emptiness is there.

Nice article,very touching.Regards.kamal

 

my dear Chitra,

I read the following lines from you over and over..

"In all my relationships , rather interactions , I give my best. I work hard to mature & cherish them. My attachment with them is complete. However , I remain detached in the sense that I do not expect them to reciprocate my affection. Most importantly , I make a conscious effort , not to interfere or pass judgements on the lives they choose to lead. My concern for my near & dear ones will not fade with my detachment. If you let go of the ones you love , they will never go away – this is the beauty of attachment with detachment ! I have learnt to love & let go.This dictum has developed tolerance in me. When I let the people live the way they want to , I learn to accept them for what they are. Most importantly , I learn to tolerate the world around me & this tolerance brings in me a sense of peace & contentment. I ask God to guide me in being loving , compassionate , tolerant & understanding when I interact with others. If a person wants to share a thought or concern with me I want that person to feel comfortable to do so. I want to remain peaceful & approachable to others. Before I speak , I pray to God to give me the right words so that I express myself clearly & with consideration to others.
"

I realize this IS the answer to all the problems in the world.

I salute you for this wonderful piece of wisdom you have given us. Thank you is not even the word to convey my emotions to you for this post.
God has already blessed you and your loved ones so much, I am out of words on what to say!

With high regards,
Mythili

 

Dear Mythili,
Thankyou very much for your nice words.
I cannot imagine that an old post written more than an year back, could elicit such a warm reply. That is because, the truth about "detached attachment" is eternal.
With both my children living in Chennai with their families, unless I practise what I have written, I would be feeling miserable permanently with one grievance or other based on an expectation. Since I am learning to be free from expecting anything from them, even a small gesture from them pleases me immensely !
What I have written, is gained by (purely) personal experience.
Love,
Chithra.