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Pains Of A Joint Family

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by priyank, Jun 2, 2017.

  1. priyank

    priyank New IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    I need some advise on this one.

    I stay in US. Ours is a joint family. My husband and his brother's family stay together. My in-laws visit us once every year and stay with us for 6 to 9 months.

    I am the second daughter in law. Myself coming from a nuclear family, it took me a long time to adjust to the joint family system. I have been married for 11 years.

    My problem is I completely hate my brother in law. He is a highly judgmental person and a source of negative energy. This was my impression right from starting but somehow thanks to my super patient nature, I was able to handle it.

    Basically his is a very picking and nagging nature. He used to pick on everyone including his wife. I say used to because, last year during one incident, when he was at his usually nagging self and I was at my stressed out self with work, commute and kids, I finally burst out on him. There was a big quarrel. He called me and my family names which I ignored, because thankfully my husband supported me to some extent. Though I was wrong in shouting at him, but I thank myself for losing my cool that day because he got equal warnings from everyone including my mother in law and father in law to rectify his behavior.

    I basically can't tolerate negativity. My co-sister who earns much more than him, tolerates everything. Which i understand because she is his wife. But the same level of tolerance is not possible from me. Hence she is called the mature one and I am the immature one. Is telling a person who constantly nags to back off immaturity? Please let me know you guys also feel the same. Am i the immature one? since we are a joint family I try my best to do my part of chores and do take up some additional responsibility.

    After marriage, I have been totally alienated from my parents. Likewise my co-sister is alienated from her parents too. I feel sorry for her. At least I am allowed to talk once or twice a month while she is not allowed to at all. I do accept that my parents have done many mistakes and i am completely support my husband on that but they being parents shouldn't we forget and forgive? My husband hates my parents. But expects 100% dutifulness to my in-laws. To my MIL and FIL I am dutiful. And they love me too.

    Living separately, making my husband change his opinion on my parents or have arguments or fights over this matter -- all these won't work. These are unchangeable factors.

    With the above points in mind - below are the points upon which I am in dilemma

    1) For me, my family is My husband, kids, and my parents. These are the people who have my unconditional love. I will share and tell them anything. Will help them to any extent. I am who I am today because of my parents. In my heart and mind I have forgiven them for their mistakes and they make more then its my duty to tell them. But I have told them that my husband and kids are high priority. And told them they have to understand this if my marriage needs to be successful. Just in that aspect I have a narrow minded husband, who thinks my parents are secondary. Dear readers - Please tell me if my thinking is correct here.

    2)Then come my Father in law and Mother in Law - With these people, I am cordial, dutiful - I do spent some time with them. Help them if they need anything. Basically I am the dutiful daughter in law. But these people can never take my parents place.

    The below third point is where I really need your advice.

    3) My Brother in law and co-sister - These people come very very last. I have very less respect for my BIL. If they need any help, I am not that eager to do. But mind you, in the end I do help them a bit. But i don't do it so eagerly. I don't talk with my co-sister much except maybe anything related to home or Kitchen. But I never really do any chit chat/gossip of any kind with her, like I would do with my own sister. My attitude towards them is like this because of my resentment towards my BIL. And partly because of my husband's families attitude towards my parents. So I hold an untold grudge towards them. I am not obligated to do anything for them(though I do the due diligence). They are like strangers to me. I don't take interest in any discussions they are in. If they need any help, I do it but I also find myself pushing back if it imposes on my schedule or on my personal time.

    What I am trying to say is, if in their place, it was my own sisters family or my best friends family who were staying with me, any help they would have wanted - I would have jumped, made changes in my schedule and would have done that help full fledged and unconditionally.

    But those kind of unconditional emotions don't come to me when dealing with my BIL and co-sister. Its basically the same treatment that my husband is giving my parents.

    Please note that I am never disrespectful towards them(BIL and co-sister) (except in the one case of outburst). Its just that In my mind they are outsiders. They don't mean anything to me. I don't spend any time with them. I just indulge in my hobbies, work, kids. Spend lots of time with hubby. Spend time chatting with friends. But for them I have 0 time. I just don't have that kind of love.

    So readers, on the 3rd point above, please advise. Am i doing anything wrong. Am i being immature.

    At the end of the day, I plainly hate the joint family system. But sort of trapped in it with no escape. I wouldn't say its a disaster, but more like a pain in the neck. No privacy.

    But eventually find means and ways to cope with it.

    Thank you for hearing out to me in this long post. I don't have anyone with whom I can discuss all these. I definitely don't share these with my parents and can't share with my husband. Kids are too small to understand. Hence this long post!!

    Any help appreciated.
     
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  2. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

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    What mistakes did your parents make?
     
  3. Naari

    Naari Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Priyank,

    First of all, I applaud you for adjusting to the joint family system, after coming from a nuclear family yourself. I definitely feel that living in a joint family happily and peacefully, requires lot of adjustment, tolerance and giving up the 'independent living' attitude which most of us coming from nuclear families have. As for your outburst, given your description about your BIL, I think he totally deserved it and I feel like somebody needed to put him in place, which you had guts to do. So, don't feel bad about it because he has no right to bully you and your family members.

    What does your husband have to say about it? Do you think he loves being in the joint family?

    It really amazes me the amount of happiness and joy Indian marriages bring, also bringing in an equal set of problems that we are no way prepared or equipped to deal with !!
     
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  4. priyank

    priyank New IL'ite

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    Hi Umanga,

    That is another long story :)

    But definitely not grave mistakes.

    The usual and regular things between the boys and the girls families, which get blown up into major issues.
     
  5. priyank

    priyank New IL'ite

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    Hi Naari,

    Yes my husband is totally attached to his family.

    Like I mentioned in the post living separately is not an option.

    Thank you!
     
  6. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

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    I really enjoyed reading the post. I did not know Indian joint families existed in the States. So far, you seem to have done a great job in coping with the circumstances you have been given. You brother-in-law is clearly a pain in the behind. Your approach of dutifulness to your parents-in-law and assertiveness and minimum duty to your brother-in-law and his wife is the correct one. Don't feel guilty for having a merely formal relationship with your brother-in-law and co-sister. That's just how it has to be. Continue to be assertive and continue to stand up for yourself.
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2017
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  7. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Hey Priyank, kudos to you for living in a joint family! I could never ever do that. You are doing the best that you can by keeping yourself busy with your hubby, friends etc and trying to keep yourself away from negativity. You don't have to feel bad about your lack of attachment to BIL and his wife. If you can live under the same roof cordially that should be more than enough.
    I don't know what happened between your husband and parents , but if you can make sure that you try to connect with parents as much as you can that's fine. It's unfortunate that your husband does not get along with them , but you really cannot do much about it .
    Stop second guessing yourself, you are mature than most people to be able to live in a joint family. Familiarity breeds contempt, So it's ok to like or dislike other people, as far as the hate doesn't consume your day to day life.
    Just a question, is there a reason you have to continue with the joint family setup ?
     
  8. priyank

    priyank New IL'ite

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    Hi SandyCandy,

    Thanks for you very much for your advice.

    Yes the reasons are

    1) In-Laws wishes.
    2) Now it has become a way of life. They have 2 kids and we have 2 kids. And the kids have become attached.
    3) My husband gets equally miffed with my BIL. But since he is my BIL's brother, maybe he has more patience in dealing with it.
    4) My BIL and IN-LAWS brainwash, saying that if we stay separately then we might not be successful (to some extent I agree. But I don't mind living in a smaller home and have privacy rather than bigger home and having mental unrest :))

    On the whole I have adjusted to the concept of joint family. But the below thing pains me.

    If families are so important, then even girl's families should be involved with all their short comings. But in my case unfortunately its a one sided. My BIL has done lot more mistakes than my family lol!!!
     
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  9. priyank

    priyank New IL'ite

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    Thank you Umanga for your advice. I have lately started feeling guilty that I am not that attached in particular to my BIL and co-sister.

    But that is the way it is.

    May be I would have enjoyed joint family more, when even my family was involved.

    Even my mother in laws is in touch with all her side relatives. If she enjoys that kinship with her family then as a woman she should definitely understand her daughter in laws's wishes to involve their families too. Why this hypocrisy? Unfortunately its the indian family system mentality.
     
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  10. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

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    It's just all very sad. What can I say? I don't understand why we have such great difficulty living together.

    The only thing I can suggest is to gradually negotiate with your husband and parents-in-law to allow you greater access to your parents. Your child needs to interact with them also. It is not right to keep him away from his maternal grandparents.
     

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