Overbearing motherinlaw?

Muskaan7 · Jul 9, 2009

Dear All,

Have been a silent reader of this forum and this is my first post. Hoping you wonderful ladies will be able to help me with your advice.

I am currently living with my husband and 13 month old son. My inlaws have come here to see their grandson and are here till early next year. When they first arrived earlier this year, they were so happy to see my son and I was very happy with the love and affection they constantly showered on him. I had some issues with my mother in law prior to coming to Australia but once they came here, did not bring out that topic. However I have been constantly noticing that my MIL is very possessive of my son and wants to hold him all the time. I work full time (and feel guilty about it but have to) and rush home everyday to see him and play with him. Once I come home I have to cook (my MIL cooks a little bit as well earlier in the day). Now that my son has started walking, he plays about if we give him a few toys while i am cooking but MIL wants to take him away into their room and does not bring him out till after I finish cooking. I hardly get much time after that as he goes off to bed by 8 or 8:30. Last week I told her off as i was very hurt and angry and told her that I would like to spend time with my child as well. There were a few strong words exchanged. I keep him with me now while cooking. Things were a bit strained then but now things are getting better but I notice that she is always trying to get my son to go to her and feels happy if he goes to her instead of me. On weekends as well she will take every opportunity possible to take him and go off on walks without telling us. It is driving me crazy. I know they love him but I feel like I dont have much time to bond with my son and I wish that they would understand that. I feel like I will explode at any time and say things that will hurt everyone

Hubby feels I am overreacting.

Has anyone else faced the same thing that I am facing and what did you do about it.

Thanks,

Muskaan

Traveller · Jul 9, 2009

Dear Muskaan,

Hugs to you dear friend. I'm moving your query to the appropriate forum where similar issues are discussed; you'll get better tips to manage this sensitive problem from experts

Latha

Shrikha · Jul 9, 2009

Hey Muskaan,

Welcome aboard!!! Do not feel that you are over reacting, there are a lot of people going through this and one of them is me. Even my MIL used to have pleasure in finding out that my son does not miss me, she used to taunt me telling that I am not required for my son and she can manage him alone. Even my DH felt that I am taking it too personal and that she does not mean anything. I just burst out one day to my DH and told him that I cant handle her anymore, due to one of her comments. I did not have dinner for that day and slept with an empty stomach. I am not sure what changed her, not sure if DH spoke to her about the behaviour but she stopped her comments. Even now she does take away my son, but I have started telling her firmly that since I am back home I can handle him from now onwards. Do not be rude or show anger, tell her firmly that you will take care now. Even if you have to tell her everyday, tell it, it will continue for sometime and later she will herself hand him over to you.

Do not feel bad, you will come out of this phase. There is a lot of change in my MIL, but still there are times when she does irritate me. I have learnt to handle her now. Dont lose courage, its just for a short time for you. I have to handle my MIL through out my life as I am in a joint-family. All the Best!!!

Drpreethis · Jul 9, 2009

You have already started to feel like a MIL ?? :bonk Just kidding !

Muskan , the first thing that came to my mind when I read through your post was - this must be exactly what ' any woman ' feels about their son ! Only difference being when the ' son ' is an adult the mother needs to be
' understanding ' but when the son is a baby ' the world ' needs to be understanding. Ways of life isnt .. I mean I whole heartedly agree that there needs to be a space in any relationship. In terms of parents, inlaws, husband -wife, sibilings and so on ! Each one shouldnt interfere above limits in another person's life..even if it is my parent or my husband ( the two closest relationships in my life ) .. This must be the same kind of insecurity any mommy feels right. Just that as adults a daughter's mommy puts her daughter in her older shoes and understands she has a family too now ! Most of the sonny's moms understand it too.. but feel a lott insecure because the new woman in her son's life is actually staying and sharing her life now. The problem is when they go overboard !! :spin

Anyways, thanx to you for letting me write what I felt and what struck me !

Coming to your issue.. I can understand your motherly feelings and the thoughts of you bonding with him. But think about it.. dont you think no matter what he is your son !?! Regardless of who takes him to their room and who feeds him, he is eventually going to bond to you and only will recognise you as his mommy ? You dont have to do anything to bond. That is the beauty here. The rest need to make an effort.
I suppose that is called mother's instincts !! :thumbsup

I can only see your MIL ' making ' an effort to bond with her grandson because she needs to do that ' to get his attention ' ! But for you, you just have to go upto him.

So dont feel low about it.. never under estimate mother's instincts.. Do not do cooking on somedays and have take aways. About her taking your son for a walk without informing you is really silly. Probably, make sure you tell her, such things she does is what is making you angry and nothing else. Ask her to inform you before leaving with her grandson and not
' ask ' ! Had someone taken her son when he was a baby without letting her know would she feel thrilled ? She could also take him for a walk when you are at office and not after you are back.. Probably suggestions as such will ease you and her out ! Instead do not get too pocessive and feel weird later.. What you do now, will have consequences between you and your hubby after they leave. Do not spoil your peace at marriage at any cost !!

Take care..

Happysoul1234 · Jul 9, 2009

I think MIL is insecure, maybe regarding her son's feelings towards her so she is taking it out on you any way she can. But you have to be different from her and not fall prey to the same insecurities. You are his mom and there is no way she can replace your place in your son's heart. Anyways she is here for only a short while so let your son enjoy her attention. once she is gone, your son will be all yours.

This is the logic I used to get through my MIL's visit after my son was born

About her taking him out without your permission u need to have a "logical" chat with ur hubby. in a strange country what if she gets lost? plant a bunch of what-if's in your hubby's mind regarding her walks and he will be the one banning these walks.

ans whatever you do, do not lose your temper in front of her. that is what will give her a lot of joy. keep ur mouth shut and give her a bunch of galis in your mind ;-). I used this tactic on my mil and it worked wonders. answering back to her or saying anything would just land me in further trouble and she would go running to my husband to complain. but when I started keeping my mouth shut it would appear that she was talking to a wall and that drove her nuts .. he he ... plus by husband thought I was such a saint for listening to her without complaining ;-)

sonamkumar · Jul 9, 2009

What you are feeling is quite natural. Call it mothers instinct or natures way of ensuring the safety of newborn, a mother is always very protective and possessive of her baby. It definately have to do with the hormones.

Even when I was working leaving my baby at home, I would keep thinking about him. Even thinking about my baby would make my milk flow.

This behavior of protecting their newborn brood is also seen in the animals.
Once I was seeing a penguin movie in which the mother keeps the baby protected and close to her till it is dependent and small but once it starts to grow up she pushes it to go fetch for itself and become independent. Once she is sure that the baby can survive on its own, she leaves to never see the little penguin again in her lifetime.

The problem in human arises when MIL do not know when to let go of their grown up son who is no longer a child.

I was in the similar boat as you. My MIL wanted to take my baby away with her to India. I kept my foot down for this but let her spend time with the baby when she was here thinking that eventually the baby will be here with me and let him spend some time with his grandmother. It felt as if she was subconsciously competing with me to be the mother of the baby. Only thing was she could not breast feed him and tried her level best to prevent me to do that. Those days were the most crazy days of my life. I clearly dont know what makes them do this. Any sane human being would know that it is a crime to separate a mother from the child.

Just remember that she is coming visiting and eventually the baby would be with you.

saddestiny · Jul 9, 2009

Muskaan
Tell your MIL politely that you want to spend time with your son also, as you are working. She is at home. If your son is not going to daycare, then he is spending whole day with his granny right?
If that is not the case, then you two must work out a way mutually how to enjoy with the kid. Try to go outdoor like to local Zoo or Park. Kids will play and enjoy outside world. Your MIL also can get fresh air. So will you both together watch him play.
Not to offend you but want to say I know some grannys who visit and not even touch their grandchildren. Its great that your sons granny loves him a lot.
Keep doing group activities which will involve the whole family. If you want separate time with him then read him a story at bedtime or two of you have a fresh shower as soon as you are back from work every evening. Think about it my friend, there are several ways you can deviate your MIL. Hope you will feel better.

krithigat · Jul 9, 2009

Hi Muskaan
you are not alone. Mil is Mil . Mom is Mom
don't you worry. it happens everywhere. make your cooking time short by using frozen vegetables, ready cut veg etc.Or you can include your mil to help you in cooking, so that your son stays in front of your eyes, after finishing cooking you can go out together.. If you manage their visit, when they come next time,even if she calls your son will not go to them.
When my mil is here initially I showed her how to use all the appliances, like for a month.After that she started cooking, I will help of course, but then I spend time with my 5 year old son, making him write, read etc.
I tell her that my DH loves her cooking, which is true, and ask her how to do her recipes. she tells me, I write it down, I do refer them later. these things helps to bond, to make our time pleasant. my DH is also happy.Remember when you keep her with you, your kid stays with you.
you be kind to her, eventually she will come around

Hope this helps

swt.charu · Jul 10, 2009

Try this ..it worked for me...

Pass on all the child related work to your MIL...let her take care of him 100%...not only when convinient to her... you give her a feeling that you are getting a break from all the hard work related to toddler and you actually welcome this break...

when your gestures show that you have not problem in she having the kid always and rather prefer it that way...she will automatically back out...
(probably they get a feeling that they are being used as nanny and would want to back out)

Muskaan7 · Jul 10, 2009

Hello Ladies,

Thank you for all your replies.

Shrikha,

I did tell her last week that I can manage him once I come home from work and to leave him with me as "I need to spend time with my child". I was very firm about it and from then on when I go home from work, my son is sleeping but once he gets up I am the first to go pick him up and keep him with me. Sometimes he is cranky but I hold him with one hand and do my work as I DO NOT want to give him to her. even when I go for a shower I keep him in his cot with a few toys instead of giving him to her. I am going to be very firm from now on. Thank you!

DrPreethis,

I do feel low at times because I wonder if he will think she is his mother? since she is with him the whole day. That is one of the main reasons why I want to spend time with him once I get home on weekdays and on the weekends. My relationship with hubby also gets tense when we talk about it because he does not really see my point. Most of the days my son will come to me but sometimes if he is cranky he prefers to go to her and she is very happy about it and it drives me mad :rant

Pmahensa,

I am constantly giving her gaalis in my mind all the time :rotfl

Sonam,

They are visiting but here till early next year. The thought of going through another six or seven months with all this tension is really killing me. One day she is okay and does not interfere, the other times she is constantly trying to irritate me and keeps calling him to her everytime. If he goes to her, she smiles as if she has won a major victory!

Saddestiny,

She is there WHOLE DAY with him. That is what irritates me the most. I leave quite early to work so she is with him from 7 in the morning till i get back home at 4 pm. he goes to bed by 8 so i hardly get time with him if I cook as well. THe other day I took him out for a walk just by myself but with the cold weather here, it is not possible everyday. Dont get me wrong, I appreciate the love they have for their grandson but I feel she wants to hog him all the time and act as if she is his mother!

Krithigat,

We do have pleasant conversations about things, it is not like this all the time. It is only when it comes to my son that even if things are going okay, she will take him and say lets go for a walk in front of me even though i have just come home from work and want to play with him. I keep telling her though that keep him here with me and I will manage. Then she does not say anything and goes inside and does khusur pusur with my FIL!

SwtCharu,

Believe me i tried it though only for a day and she was more than happy. However after that I wasnt really feeling good about it and it went back to how things were! Last night he just woke up in the middle of the night and started crying. I had my room monitor on and woke up to the sound of it immediately but she was already halfway to his room to comfort him, but she saw me and then stopped. I went in his room and shut the door (nearly on her face) and cuddled him and put him back to sleep. See I feel that as a mother I can take care of my child and comfort and cuddle him, why does she have to take the extra trouble. I did tell her this once before to not worry when I am around but nothing goes in her head.

I realize many will say it is love for her grandson but I think it is a bit too much love and especially when it interferes with OUR bonding time as parent and child. Guess Im wiser now not to invite for a year next time!

Love, Muskaan