Overbearing MIL before marriage? What should I do?

swan02 · Feb 16, 2012

Thanks for the advice. I know I have to be stronger.

kma · Feb 16, 2012

swan02,

It might look difficult now, but think about it. You are free from all that torture you would have faced if you had already married. Though you might be slightly disgusted with all that happened, you still have your freedom. You are young, educated and professionally qualified. Think of all the positive things which you can do with the time you have. Consider it's your luck that you are out of it. Many times people get married due to these societal pressures and later regret it bitterly. This politeness and submissiveness is inculcated in us and its difficult to go against it if one's nature is also respectful towards elders. Most would have been the same in your place. For now, just enjoy the freedom you got back and think of your career. Best of luck..

swan02 · Feb 24, 2012

Trying my best to enjoy this freedom. Just have strained relationship with my parents, lost a lot of friends due to insensitive inquiries and remarks, and ofcourse my career is yet to be on track.

Being home and sitting idle makes me more depressed. Everything at home reminds me of the time past, and I keep fighting with my parents. They are ofcourse fed up of this too. And I can't seem to make peace with myself or them.

For now, I think a good solution for me is to go back to the clinic I was working in regardless of the poor working situation. Atleast I was making money. I am going to start working on weekends where I can avoid the difficult personalities and bosses. I have also decided to get my own small apartment near the water. I think this will be soothing for me, give me the independence, and confidence. One reason I have problems with my parents now is because I am depending on them too much and when they are not there, I panic.

I really think I need to be on my own, in a better part of the city where atleast I can partake in more activities and enjoy life more. Living here in the suburbs is depressing.

This is a hard decision for me because I have lived at home for the greater part of my life except college, and I have been quite close to my family. I think living at home makes me insecure of losing my parents who I am highly dependent on emotionally. If I take the step take care of myself and be independent, I think I will feel more secure. I have lived alone before but always in a different state. So this will give me a chance to explore my own city and see it the way I should.

One more reason is that perhaps the people I meet often have this perception of me being docile and domensticated (or "homely" as is often said) because I live with my parents (Just like this family did). Fact is, I really cherish my independence and the thought of being totally dependent on a stranger and catering to his family's needs from 1950's India scares me. I think if I move out, that implied message of being submissive won't be there.

I seem to have convinced myself this is a good way to go. What do you all think?

Irvinerenter · Feb 25, 2012

Hi swan

I totally understand what u r going through right now. I know how people react n taunts they pass. Have been in ur situation so can understand. What I did was made new friends. Try to divert ur mind. Am also in US. U can call n talk to me if u feel comfortable. Wish u best in ur life...

Reflection123 · Feb 25, 2012

I understand you are going through a lot of emotional turmoil. You have acted maturely, but its difficult to put up a strong face all the time, when some things are weighing so heavily on your heart.
You really must go out for work and/or socializing....if possible be on your own for a while. It will give you time off from your family who are facing similar emotional pain--watching each other in pain kind of multiplies it sometimes. When you will be around with people who are happy, you will find it easier to deal with your emotions. You can provide emotional support to your family, only after you have healed your own pain to some extent.

Don't think of yourself as having been singly targeted by this boy's family. They are mean people who'd be nasty towards just any woman who would enter their family. If instead of you, any other girl would have gotten betrothed to this guy, they would be mean towards that girl even. Think of it as an accident of having stumbled across a mad person. If you go to a public place, and if a mad person threw stones there randomly, and if accidentally a stone hits you.....will you come home and beat yourself up thinking about what issues the mad-man had with you and why did he choose to hit you?....no! You will take it as an accident, will forget about that mad guy...and focus on healing your wound....isn't it? That's exactly what you need to do here.....forget about that mad guy--don't think about why he hurt you....just focus on healing yourself.

SriVidya75 · Feb 25, 2012

Swan (what a nice name and a beautiful bird

you are taking out your frustration and unhappiness on others....or should I say you are lookin at people around youw ith colored glasses....called as hurt!!!

Everyone around you including your parents and those nasty friends want you to be happy....dont try to find the reasons of what and why!! really....ther eis no right answer to it.

Only thing you have to do is show everyone how strong and capable you are. its not jsut for them....it benefits you also...because what you faced is nothin...really nothing...you are not understanding the blessings god has given you.....thank god, thank your parents, thank that guy atleast he came out during those last few days about his true opinion....what would have happened if things came out after couple of days AFTER THE WEDDING. thats more torturing than what you are feeling now.

Pls make peace with yoru aprents....the best way to make peace with them is..call them up and say thank you for being there for you...and sorry for taking out the frustration....they will understand...see even parents are humans..they are not gods..they are bound to have anger andemotions...dont forget that...so give them that benefit of doubt atleast.

Coming to your working situation..NEVER BE SCARED TO START FROM GROUND ZERO. FROM SCRATCH. yes it takes time...butremember the more work you do...htats how you get more exposure..more knowledge...and keeps you busy....day flies by so quickly...all these are blessings which youare unable to see because your wearing the glases called pain n hurt. pls remove those glasses.

Be happy you have atleast some job...small or big...be happy atleast you can live separately from your parents...stand on your feet...do some part time job apart form this clinical job sothat you can earn more if you want to...there are many ways you can find...provided you look inthe direction of making yourself strong and capable.

god has saved you and when god gives such blessings I personally beleive god has a bigger and a better plan for you. pls...thank god every day and thank your stars...

lets talk aobut something else and I would like to see you start another thread on your daily routine n how you pass time and made new freinds etc...this thread is old and past one....no point in updating this thread...it doesnt belong to your life anymore....pls shred it.