Overbearing MIL before marriage? What should I do?

Dear Sachitananda,

We have had a similar experience. Somehow I also had a very open mind about marrying into a Sikh family because the majority of my Indian friends are actually Sikh, and their families were open to marrying into my family (when my brothers were single).

Now that I look back, I know several Sikh girls who have married into Hindu families (my extended family being an example), but the other way around (Hindu Girl marrying a Sikh boy) has been different. Having gone through this myself, I feel that one is always at a disadvantage as a girl marrying into a religion where there is an effort to show religious dominance.

While going through this experience I visited our local Gurudwaras many times, and felt uncomfortable hearing some of the lectures. Things like the 1984 riots were talked about openly, but often in an accusatory fashion towards the Hindu community. I found this mix of politics and religion discussed in this fashion very uncomfortable. I personally did not know anything about the 1984 riots, and did so only after being involved with this family. I then read some of the Sikh forums and felt that it will be very difficult for me to become a part of such a family. I am not a religious person, but I feel that people who do certain rituals like fasting and poojas in Hinduism do so with conviction and its a beautiful thing (fasting and idol worship are not a part of Sikhism). I feel uncomfortable that many Sikh forums (and even the family I corresponded with) openly poke fun at such practices, when in essence they are so individual and don't hurt anybody else. The religion of Sikhism itself is beautiful - what I read from the Guru's teachings sounded like a simple path to making a connection with a higher being. But the community is not the same especially here in the US and Canada where there are too many political undercurrents as a result of mass immigration under political asylum of the 1984 riots.

 

Its been 3 months since this whole affair happened....and I still have days when I cannot stop thinking about this. I feel so violated. And many times, I feel so angry at my parents. When his mom first told me that I shouldn't work after marriage, I remember I freaked out and went to my parents that I wanted to call things off. At the time they really discouraged me from doing so, that I may be overreacting.

Eventually my parents supported me 100%. But by then, the whole thing became such a mess. The cards had gone out, we had spent money, I had done my shopping. The emotional stress was extreme. And ofcourse, finally he called it off and put the entire blame on me....how do I get myself to forget that dreadful conversation?

I feel angry that I still can't pull myself out of this. I never show my emotions to strangers, and for the most part have good days, but my relationship with my parents has taken a hit.

But with every new guy I meet, I only feel more down. My professional life has still taken a hit....finding a job, interviewing, and the whole 9 yards takes months. So I am sitting at home... And most employers ask me why I didn't sign a contract or take my boards after residency like I should have. Initially I would tell them about my engagement....then I realized that again, just mentioning the fact that my wedding was called off makes the whole conversation about that.

My friends still talk about it behind my back. If I call anyone just to say hi, they talk to me like they are doing charity "OH sweety....how are you...take it day by day okay." And I sit there thinking to myself "thanks, I just wanted to catch a movie....thanks for reminding me yet again of the most disturbing part of my life..."


I feel angry at everyone.....most at him and his family....yet I think can only take it out on my parents, and I have been doing so.

What should I do?

 

Thanks for the advice. Finding a good job is taking a long time. In the meantime I tried to keep myself busy by working at a local clinic, but that made things hard too. It was a low end job, and because everybody knew I was part time, basically they were trying to put more work on me.

I felt bad that I was compromising on such a low end job, that none of my classmates would consider. We were treated badly, the pay was very low, I got no benefits. Finally I stopped going, because though I was busy, I was stressed.

I feel very very scared about my future. I want to meet people but a part of me feels hurt, and I tend to take things more personally now. I also don't like the attitude of a lot of Indian families out there. I refuse to be treated as a submissive girl, and I hate that this attitude is almost expected. Hell, even my own mother to some degree endorsed this attitude.

I know the strength has to come from within, but where do I fall short

 

I don't know why, but I can't seem to make peace with my parents. I know they love me unconditionally and only want the best for me, but I feel so much anger towards them. I feel like blaming them for everything. Even as I write this I feel silly saying so because the scariest thing for me is a life without my parents. Yet I continue to feel anger. Is it just displaced anger? I have tried talking to my mom and each time I bring up this situation I can't control my emotions.

My parents mention I was too soft during the situation. Even I felt that these people and the guy walked all over me. Yet growing up my mom always told me I was too "tez," and it will haunt me with my future husband. When I was going through this ordeal with my then fiance, her words would resonate through my mind.

Even when he would say things that were hurtful like "Oh I always wanted to marry a Sikh girl but I gave things a shot with you because my parents said so," I would say perhaps I'm the one bringing out such attitude. Looking back, I feel disgusted at myself for not shooting back and saying "If you wanted to be with a Sikh girl, you had no right to come and even see me. And if you were just giving things "a shot," then you don't get engaged to somebody. You don't marry for your parents, you marry for yourself." But I didn't say these things. When he called things off I said "I wish you nothing but the best." In reality, I wanted to say "you are not man enough to even take blame for something you did. You call yourself Sikh, yet you are a hypocrite. I hope you pay for what you have done."

I feel that even my own mom expects me to be submissive. She didn't want me to pursue medicine because I would get married too late, and today I feel that my education is my biggest strength. It is taking time to find a job, but I know eventually I'll have one.

At some level, I think my father just has given up. He tried, but it is not in his nature to handle these things. He is an independent man.

How do I make my peace? What am I doing?