Overbearing MIL before marriage? What should I do?

Yes, marriage is a compromise, but compromise from both the sides.... you did your part, but he did not... and whenever there is compromise from one side only, there is bound to be a big disappointment.
It would take some time for you to heal, and its natural for you to ask yourself such questions, esp "why me?"

Seriously, without sounding too cliche, there were already 3 people in your relationship... his dependence on his mom for each and every decision, his indifference towards your faith, and his somewhat narrow outlook towards working women etc... this is not something ordinary women would compromise to in most cases... but you were ready to do so, which is commendable! If you would have married him, things might have been worse...

You might be wondering - if it worked out for ur mom n aunts, then why not for you... well, they are from a different generation, where women did not have much options due to various reasons, but you have options - you are nearing 30 - which is still young - you have your whole life infront of you and you have got a chance to find the perfect guy for you (not many get that chance). You can always find a better job, move out to a different location, get a new life...you can start by giving away the dress you have in your closet...

The best part is - you have your parents to support you through this phase, and like all phases, this too shall pass, making you wiser and stronger...

All the best!

 

Dear Swan02,
Hugs to you!! Dear, why are you worrying for something which is worth of nothing to you. You say you believe in God, is it not? Cant you understand its your GOD who has prevented you from the ILL-FATE you were about to involve?
Cant you see your GOD has actually protected you from people who dont deserve you..? :notthatway:
Dear, you have mentioned guys are looking down at you? It means you are giving them a chance to do so? Look back at them and say confidently that you are doing great! Come on dear, you are in US,still you bother for breaking up a relationship which is the right thing to do! I have a friend, who was engaged to a guy and after coming to know abt their family, her father called-off her engagement. She came out of the relationship slowly and she got fixed to a wonderful guy and they have a cute 3 year old girl baby! She is a MUSLIM lady and she thanks god daily for saving her life! :bowdown

These things happen to many people and it affects some good souls like you. Its all in your hands to come out of it! People are going thru worst situations, they have got married and getting divorced. You just called off your engagement.

Dont think about your age now. You cant marry someone for the sake of getting married. And never think that you must have compromised for the marriage, that might be the dumbest thing you have ever done in your life. :bonk

If you dont like the place, change your job, or location, go for a trip, meet your friends who care for you. Tell all your friends/relatives not to talk about something which is over. Hide your marriage dress/things out of your sight!

I can understand its so hard for you to digest? But tell me one thing, are you going to sit and cry for things happened till now? Or are you going to cheer up and look forward to your future?

Life has so much in store for you, go and explore it. You are deserved to get more than this! Thank god, pray him for more strength and take care of your family! All the very best to you!! :thumbsup

 

[

{Nevertheless, I feel dejected that I wasted all my sacred emotions of marriage, engagement, and dreaming of a future family with this person.[/QUOTE]

Hi Swan02,

I could not resist typing a reply when I read this. Be thankful that you escaped from future turmoil, and that you could read the signs from the beginning. Physician/non-physician or illiterate or literate, the emotions are same when we go through unpleasant situations.

If it makes you feel any better:
I was like you with all sacred emotions towards marriage ..the respect towards it ..
Got into arranged marriage, and found that H is a womanizer. Well he later described that in decent terms, that he was into relationships. These women were twice his age, had children close to his own sis's age. He maintained contact with the woman after my wedding. LoL my sacred emotions!
To add insult to injury, his uncle, aunt and family's comments: Give a chance so he can turn around his life!
If my H did it again, the family will interfere and throw him out! (where was I in this picture?)
and other comments such as: I will never be happy even I married anyone because I am an unforgiving person. Can't fit to be a mother etc etc.

Swan, I was a tez educated woman, never in the low tier. I am a scientist by profession. I felt so helpless for the first time in my entire life, and still struggling. But hope things will be better.

Why I brought this up is, for me and for you as well, things could have been still worse. We need to lick our own wounds, and try to move on.

Better times are waiting for you, and I wish you will come out smiling and shining.

 

Swan,

This is a very tough period for u... I say this because I went through exactly the same thing. In my case, it was the groom who was way too overbearing. I was not too keen on the proposal, but accepted because I thought he and I shared similar beliefs, and a similar upbringing. Turned out that he was so self centered that he wanted the wedding to be about him. When we first spoke to each other, he seemed nice. Two days after we met for the first time, he wanted me to meet him at a bus stop, so that we could go out..and this was after the marriage was fixed, and before the engagement. My parents didn't like the idea of me meeting someone like that. They wanted him to come home to pick me up, so that we could go out with 'their' blessing... he accepted, but later on said that he did not like it as it felt like they were making him dance to their tunes.. I didnt know what to say.. There were so many other things which slowly added up, and then the last straw came when he told me that I should have taken his mom with me when I went to buy a saree for my graduation ceremony. A saree, which my dad was getting me. When I questioned him about it, he didnt like it and he said that I should consider myself the DIL of his family and not a daughter of my family any more..and lots of other senseless things. (I am still not sure how much his mom's influence in this was, as she seemed quite a sensible woman). The same thing happened when we went to buy the wedding saree. We were all going to go together, and then his mom said she could join us as she could not reschedule her classes (she used to take tuitions for senior school students) and that we were to go ahead with the purchases. My parents decided that they would buy just one or two sarees as it was quite an auspicious day and then get the rest when his mom was free. We bought two sarees, and then my mom called them to inform them about this. Everything seemed fine, and there came the call from the US blasting me about how my parents decided to sideline his mom delibrately, by choosing a day when she could not come... I had had enough by then. As a family, we decided that things were not moving in the right direction on either front.. It was then I came to know that there were growing demands from his parents too regarding the wedding.. We called it off... and the months that ensued were tough. I was pitied, branded arrogant and stupid.. people who seemingly supported the break-up decided that I would not get a good groom and were suggesting really unsuitable grooms. I felt that my world was crumbling around me. There were times when I used to sit up crying thinking about all that happened. In the brief period I was engaged to him, I had begun to dread long distance phone calls (the ringing used to be quite distinct), lost all confidence in myself.. It took me almost 6 months to go out without being asked what was happening with my wedding..

Swan, look at this as a chance to reflect on your life. It;s not often that we get a second chance.. And usually the second chance is a much better one too... I married my husband at least 18 months after all this.... It gave me a chance to appreciate everything about him. Dearie, cry your heart out.. make sure you get back to your older self, the person you were before you met him. You have a successful career, concentrate on that. You will meet your destined man soon... All the very best..

Sorry about this long post.... and a lot of hugs to you my dear.. May God give you and your family the strength to come out of all this

Mythili

 

Dear Swan

This is a good sign and not a bad sign! You were able to WEED out the RAT. And all by your judgement!! You will be very successfull in finding the right guy for you!

It takes a sound mind to weed out rats !!!!

 

Dear Swan,

Glad that you had canceled off the wedding. That itself a big win for you !

The same thing happened in my friend's life. All sorts of red alert about the groom's family were shown to my friend's family after the engagement. Despite all, her dad went ahead with the wedding arrangements and she got married. Now she's suffering a lot. Her husband who was sweet before wedding is no more sweet. Her three years married life has fetched her two babies and sufferings from DH's family as well as physical abuse from DH. Very sad !!

 

Swan, I was just about to respond to your thread title with a one-word reply - "RUN!", but I guess God has saved you the trouble! Hang in there...this situation does not reflect upon you or your family, but on them. So give yourself and your parents some time to heal and thank heavens for being saved from a loony-bin family at the last minute. I wish you all the very best for your future and pray you find the right person at the right time.

 

you are much luckier than a whole lot of women who get married and suffer their entire life.now focus on your life and career and take your own time before starting your search for your life partner so that you will be very clear about what to expect in him.

 

Swan,

you speak of fearing snide remarks etc. Trust me those young men are the least of your problems. Like others said, there will be a grieving period and you shd grieve of course if you want to but not beat yourself up like this and question each and every decision that you have made so far. Go through all your decisions and decide what was good and then dont question it. Yes you worked for 12 years and became a physician that is not taken away by this. Yes you have strong belief in God and traditional values maybe that same God saved you here.

Feeling emotional about this is normal and you should let the emotions flow. When you are a little less emotional you may want to think about all the lessons you learnt about yourself and your family in this episode and think about how to avoid mistakes for next time. Maybe after meeting a suitable groom you may want to spend some time getting to really know him and his family before proceeding to an engagement and announcements to the world. Nowadays a love cum arranged marriage is quite common. Or look for matches among family friends or friend of friends like a known family. I really dont know if you are comfortable with these ideas but it is worth a shot. Your age, what will ppl say, snide remarks etc doesnt matter, take your time deciding because this is a decision that will impact the rest of your life.