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Overbearing MIL before marriage? What should I do?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by swan02, Dec 18, 2011.

  1. sushmavja

    sushmavja Platinum IL'ite

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    dear swan,
    hugs to you..but all i can say is you are lucky to have known their attitude before the marriage itself..so feel happy for that..you are in pain i understand but it is very less when compared to what you would have had once you got married to him..
    all the best
     
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  2. shruthisp

    shruthisp Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Swan,

    I feel God has saved u well advance from a mess.
    This too will pass soon...
    U will get a man who accept you for what u r...
    All the best!
     
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  3. RJMK

    RJMK Silver IL'ite

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    I done feel bad for you but rather I am happy for you.This marriage would have been a mess and we could see it so clearly.
    Thank GOD for saving you dear.
    Things were simply blown out of proportion and remember this guy was a mama's boy.So you are better off without him:)
     
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  4. swan02

    swan02 Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you for your kind words and support.

    But all of this makes me feel so dejected. This whole experience started out on the most beautiful note. I had never seen such pure, intense happiness...my family, and HIS family. His mom was beaming. She had called all of her relatives, sent my pictures to everyone, felt proud that her future DIL would be a physician and respectful of Indian values. My fiance had shown such keen interest and passion in me. He had tears in his eyes when he gave me the ring, and I could see his happiness.

    And from that to this?

    I have questioned everything about my life, my attitudes, and even my attitude towards God these past few weeks. I am a very lucky girl, and always have beleived in God. My route to God was through the learnings of Hinduism. After these people came into my life, I felt its okay if somebody wants me to only make a connection with God through a different path (or Sikhism). I told myself what difference does it make. I remember once mentioning Rakhi in front of him, and remember noticing an immediate coldness in his voice...I knew its because I mentioned a traditionally Hindu festival. And he had made it clear that he did not feel comfortable doing anything that was Hindu. And I remember thinking to myself "how sad...I tie Rakhi to my Sikh male friend, who I also see like my brother, and he considers it the most sacred bond between us." And somewhere I thought, its okay, a label is just that, a label. Somewhere God sits and laughs at us for making such distinctions, when we all pray to the same God.

    I have never been in a relationship with anyone, not even held hands until now because I thought this was the man I will marry....he proposed and gave me a ring. So I let him hold my hand. Nothing happened physicially, thank God, but it hurts me that I let this person do something that was so sacred for me.

    I feel hurt. And somewhere, I feel that I lost my dignity.

    Its only a few days, and even in a place like the US, where I have grown up, I feel the questions, the stares, and the judgement of all around me. "She must be so 'tez'." 12 years of medical education, sacrifice, a strong beleif in God and cultural traditions, to be manipulated by an uneducated woman's antics, and to be used like a doormat by a man who is literally a stranger?

    I feel my life has taken a hit. Here I am, doing a substandard job in my city, because I had made plans to work where he was living. Here I am, staying at home, approaching 30, and taking snide remarks from all around me. Here I am, with a wedding dress, invitations, and hopes of a future all crumbling down in front of me.

    What do I do? And what does the future hold?

    I see the guys around me looking down upon me....the same guys who had previously shown keen interest, and I had not encouraged because I had felt their attitudes in life were different than mine....and now its their time to strike back.

    Did I deserve this?
     
  5. Young@heart

    Young@heart Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Swan02,

    Hugs!!!!!

    I feel you are in the phase of grieving over the relationship that could have been....But believe me...It is better that the relationship didnot happen.

    From personal experience, i also noticed a lot of similar things in my now MIL but just brushed them aside that things will improve after marriage..and the truth is....They didnot...they only worsened.

    Thankgod that you were saved from a lifetime of misery and humiliation...thankgod you are working...you have something to keep your mind off this.You should not be bothered about people looking down upon you...because in my opinion if you had got married to this guy and then faced troubles...these very people would not have come to help you....they would still be looking down upon you. It is what they do best....so IGNORE.

    Keep yourself busy...It will surely take time to come out of it...but am sure since you were so wise enough to see the red flags...you will be wise and strong enough to come out of it.

    My best wishes for a great future:)
    Regards
     
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  6. SharmilaBanu

    SharmilaBanu Silver IL'ite

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    You deserved better Swan. Thats y god has made you their true colours. Have you seen posts in IL abour marital problems and how spouse changed & showed their real half after marriage. ofcourse, you have escaped a life tragedy. And big hugs to you, for feeling you had towards marriage. Being a physician you should really not feel down and dejected. And it occurs even in India - calling off marriage even from Gals side based on guys behaviour. Thank God - he has some good thing in line for you !!!cheers
     
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  7. swan02

    swan02 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for your kind words.

    A part of me questions myself. One reason I came to this forum is because I knew this was a forum for Indian women. And I wanted to see what other Indian women had to say about my experience. If I speak to any of my friends in the US, they say I never should have put up with any of this. But then again, they would never agree to somewhat of an arranged marriage of this sort.

    Young@heart, you mentioned your MIL never changed. But you are married, and our making th ebest of your situation. My mom did the same, and so did her sisters. Should I have done the same? People say marriage is a compromise....did I not to my part of the compromise?
     
  8. shruthisp

    shruthisp Gold IL'ite

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    Swan dear..
    U r in mouring state for the loss of the relationship u assumed.. u r juz in grief over the loss of dreams and hopes u had for this stranger..
    Remember no state/emotion is permanent...This too will pass soon..
    Imagine how it would be to feel the same after marriage or with Kid.. That would be hurting/paining more than what u r going through now dear..
    Juz browse through our IL, u will see so many momma's boy husbands,divorces due to that..
    All of those women who endured so much,have stood for their life and their kids, Many of them have struggled to death to get back their lives..
    Am sure u will feel blessed that god has saved you in time...
    Remember,
    "The one who makes you cry isn't worth your tears. The one who is worth your tears would never make you cry"
    Time is the best healer for so many wounds... This too will pass... One get stronger and stronger by overcoming the rough phases of life...

    Best Wishes...
     
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  9. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Swan,

    Really sorry that you had to go through this. But please take this as the ups and downs of going for an arranged marriage. Sometimes one has to meet many prospectives before finding Mr. or Ms. Right. Not everyone ends up marrying the first person they meet.

    You have been really fortunate to have escaped a really bad marriage. You ask if you have not compromised. Minor compromises made after marriage when everything is going on fine is one thing. To start off a relationship based on a huge compromise would be like jumping into the fire. Compromise does not mean that you stop being able to recognize yourself when you look into the mirror. Even the thought of what life would have been with an mil out to take over your life and possess your soul and a husband who would stand by his mother first and foremost is scary to say the least.

    You are also very lucky to have really sensible parents who are not desperate to get you married off to the first guy on the scene, or parents who would go "What will people say". People do only that - say. They say this way and they say the other way too. They should not matter to you. Do they give a damn about what you think of them? If you had married this guy and were miserable, would they have come to bail you out of the situation? Not worth a second thought.

    The pain will last a short while and then life will get back on track. So wish you all the best and do hope you get back to being your normal self soon.
     
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  10. Young@heart

    Young@heart Silver IL'ite

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    Maybe you would have compromised for peace in your life, but would that have given you happiness? I am sure a girl as sensible as you (the way you handled the entire episode shows :thumbsup)would not be happy living in a house where she would be demeaned/ mocked at/ her parents mocked at/ humiliated on small things.

    I am at that stage in marriage where i have found my inner peace and have built a life around work and kids. Also i am very happy in my own company. Still i regret that i didnot take any action on the red flags i saw between engagement and marriage.

    And your post gives me hope...that there are strong girls out there taking their future in their own hands and not letting anybody belittle them. The fact that your parents supported you in this is your biggest blessing.

    So, I am telling you now to count your blessings...( i see some like your work, your supportive parents, your sensible thinking to name a few) and move ahead with your head held high.

    Best Wishes.
     
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