Overanalyzing And Overthinking Spouse

lavani · Sep 19, 2018

prettywoman2 said: ↑

Thanks Rihana! Some examples would be - He is overly concerned about our elder one's college education (she is only 8!), or being too concerned about the job market when we both are working in very good positions and earn handsome salaries etc. If you look at these examples, you would think there is nothing wrong in being concerned about these things but he makes such a big deal about it that the atmosphere becomes gloomy for sometime! Though in his defense, he does get back to normal soon too but this keeps happening and I feel like I am loosing my patience to deal with these frequent episodes.
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Are you 2 in H1b. how do soon you will Green card. If it is soon, he needs counselling.

If not, then i agree with HIM. Sorry since last few months my H is becoming like that. But after his lot of pressured inputs i did read the latest trends in immigration. It is not nice. I am actually feeling his pain as my kid is also in teens and we need to get the Green card before she is an adult. otherwise she has to start over.

We are tired of living in worry about visa extensions now. He is seriously looking in Canda or Aussie.

If you are NOT . my post is invalid. he needs counselling.

If you are ARE. I agree with him and you both have to plan what is good as family and take actions.

VandhenaKrish · Sep 19, 2018

Like us , even men need shoulders op .. I am a pessimist n always trouble my hubby with what ifs his energy also gets drained many times .. But at some point I am his everything n I am extremely optimistic when it comes to real life threatening scenarios where he fails to face it boldly . For Petty things I get scared n over think but for real life big plms I am a super woman .. the reason I m telling this is u or ur children won't get influenced by his character unless you are not over anaytical like him .. He needs ur attention n u r feeling actually bored with the usual monotonous things in life .. both of u need some break however his character won't change but u ll be recharged to see it with a new vision .. life s short .. accept him .. plan a vacation

Brevity · Sep 20, 2018

We never know for sure how a parent’s behaviour affects a kid. An efficient, prompt parent can have a laid back child, a lazy parent could have a ‘doer’ kind of a child, drunkard can have a child who vows never to touch a drink in his life etc. Our children, for sure, learn from their environment. But how it influences them is mostly dependent on the child’s personality.

You lend an ear to his concerns. But let him know that he should not share all of his concerns in front of kids. Kids knowing *some* of the practical worries of a parent is a good thing. It helps them realise what parents go through for providing a good future for them. My parents were upfront about their situations and it just made us kids more responsible.

SinghManisha · Sep 20, 2018

I have a overthinking and over analyzing brother and honestly it gets very exhausting for everyone around. I have tried to be patient with him always trying to reassure that things will be fine. He has been like this from childhood. Every experience however positive will have a negative undertone.

@Viswamitra Ji got it absolutely right, people like this have self esteem issues.

I dread picking up his calls though . I have had to suffer with massive bouts of guilt because of that. But over time I have decided my happiness is most important.

Your husband ( and my brother) need to seek therapy for this. They can function fine overall but can make lives difficult for people close to them. There is so much negativity around as it is in the news , life etc who needs more ?

manjarimadhu · Sep 20, 2018

I am exactly in your position. My husband also same like yours. over thinking , over analysing always thinking about the worst scenario. he has very rough childhood. That may be the reason. Now a days it is affecting me also. I am also thinking about negative side first. He take all the responsibility in home from finance, maid, groceries and kid's education and worried all the time. he wont gave me anything and thinks i wont do it properly. he is perfectionist also.
The replies helped me too. But i think it is impossible to change them.

DXBDesi · Sep 20, 2018

My Wife is like that sometimes, and I realized it is her siblings who provoke her to be like that by instigating...

Does your husband have siblings, colleagues who are always predicting doomsday, which may rub off on him?

prettywoman2 · Sep 20, 2018

Viswamitra said: ↑

@prettywoman2,

It is always hard to have negative energy unless things are already rough. Forward thinking is good but not to the extent it drains the energy too much. Generally, people with such tendencies underestimate themselves or have low self-esteem. He is punishing himself thinking that something bad was going to happen instead of enjoying the present moment. This could be past experiences or even childhood experiences. Here are my humble suggestions:

1) Tell him how well he does in managing the work/family balance keeping you calm and happy in life.

2) Convince him that you are always there for him to find anything that is likely to go wrong making him feel that you are taking the load off him from his shoulder.

3) Consistently communicate with him how much the children are learning from both of you and how happy they are. Politely tell him that the future of the children are entirely dependent upon how happy they are now.

4) Try to convince him about "Yat Bhavam Tat Bhavathi" meaning "As you think, so you become". More you both think everything is going to be alright, the life will turn out to be that way.

5) Tell him that you and your children always love to see him happy and not worried. That will motivate him to get out of his negative mindset.

I wish you all the best.

Viswa

5)
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Thanks for the positive re-enforcement suggestions here Vishwamitra ji. Will try to implement wherever I can.

prettywoman2 · Sep 20, 2018

Thanks for the suggestions ladies...

@SinghManisha You are bang-on! I think you've understood the problem so precisely since you've experienced this first hand. On the surface, it doesn't seem like such a big problem as to require professional help but dealing with it for long drains all the positive energy.

@lavani Get your point but getting stressed about something that's not in your control doesn't help anybody, does it? I mean if you foresee a problem in future, you start making plan B to tackle it and then go about living your life.

@VandhenaKrish Well, I don't relate with your thought process but respect your opinion. This is like saying yes, I know I cause you too much stress and drain your energy but you have to accept it as the spouse and I am not going to do anything to change myself Hope you realize the difference between giving a shoulder in times of need and constant non-existent problems.

@Brevity Yes, I keep reminding him to not discuss all the worries in front of kids. And of-late he's been trying really hard to follow it too. But still a long way to go!

In general, I am feeling a little better after venting. I know there is no instant solution but offloading my feelings on this forum helped! So thank you!

lavani · Sep 21, 2018

prettywoman2 said: ↑

Thanks for the suggestions ladies...

@SinghManisha You are bang-on! I think you've understood the problem so precisely since you've experienced this first hand. On the surface, it doesn't seem like such a big problem as to require professional help but dealing with it for long drains all the positive energy.

@lavani Get your point but getting stressed about something that's not in your control doesn't help anybody, does it? I mean if you foresee a problem in future, you start making plan B to tackle it and then go about living your life.

@VandhenaKrish Well, I don't relate with your thought process but respect your opinion. This is like saying yes, I know I cause you too much stress and drain your energy but you have to accept it as the spouse and I am not going to do anything to change myself Hope you realize the difference between giving a shoulder in times of need and constant non-existent problems.

@Brevity Yes, I keep reminding him to not discuss all the worries in front of kids. And of-late he's been trying really hard to follow it too. But still a long way to go!

In general, I am feeling a little better after venting. I know there is no instant solution but offloading my feelings on this forum helped! So thank you!
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Very wise reply. He needs lot of counselling.

He has no idea, how lucky he is to have you.

Laks09 · Sep 21, 2018

I have been meaning to reply to your post since yesterday but never found the time to collect my thoughts before posting. I have this issue and it's so hard to keep being the optimist at home when DH sounded like a broken record of unending concerns. This issue of going on and on and on is exhausting for the person on the receiving end.

I feel like I always was the optimist in the relationship but was not at my optimal a few years ago. I probably was down myself with life's challenges thrown at me. I somehow got the energy and courage to make myself see positives in life. I've detailed some of my thoughts here.

The first thing you have to do is probably, take care of yourself. You can be an empathetic person but it's draining. Don't feel selfish about putting yourself first.

I have noticed a pattern where when I'm dull and down my DH would be positive and counsel me and the minute I get upbeat, he starts off again. From those situations, I understood that he can actually see positives. To help myself while he was being negative, I began to compartmentalize. I would say the right things(after 12 yrs you probably know what to tell him at the moment) but then I would put it off mentally. I refused to ruminate in my head over something that I had no control over. I actively compartmentalized. After such discussions, I would ask myself if it was something that I could control. If my answer was no, then I would stop thinking of it. I'd go out for a run or yoga class, meet friends, even go out on dates with DH(date rules are no negative talk, only positives). Initially, it was hard but slowly I could cope in my own mind.

I love talking to my Mom. Just hearing her voice helps. She's a very positive person and she counsels me about my son mainly. Just hearing her talk about her immense faith and my son, helps me a lot.

Finances were a big worry for the DH. I tried explaining, cajoling etc. Finally, I just took over the finances. He's any way being risk-averse and negative. I have a good financial planner. I started talking to him and doing work with him. I started managing all the bill pays, CCs, banks, India etc. You won't believe the amount of pressure it took off his shoulders. Automatically, he got better. He still talks about retirement. I always make it a big joke. I tell him that my retirement is taken care of by my inheritance. He can go fend for himself when he's old and frail and out of work. I really don't care. That makes him laugh. He does tell me I'm in denial but whatever.

Slowly, without talking to him much about his thought and just reaffirming by my actions, we are better. We barely have these doomsday conversations anymore. Even if he starts off regarding our special needs child, having made a plan and trust and will etc, I know in my mind that I've done everything in my power to help him. I tell my DH that he will be ok. After thinking like that for more than two years, I think I got this calm come over me. For the past year, I feel within my deepest thoughts that regardless of where he is with his disability, he will be alright. I'll keep working with him but he will be fine. I think that has rubbed off on my DH. Everyone is now relaxed.

Talking to him has never worked for me but giving him boundaries has worked. For example, if he wants to talk about work, and it is something that is not going to happen in the next six months, I don't entertain that discussion at all. We talk about work all the time but then he's a planner. He'll plan ahead and keep talking about what if this doesn't happen, that doesn't happen. I tell him, I won't listen to the five-year plan. It has helped a lot. He won't bring up a lot of things. Nor will he ruminate about them because he now thinks this way too. I know he still has his plans but he is now more flexible to change. Maturity on the job and the kind of work also has helped I guess.
My DD is now being this way. He's having to talk to her on and on and on and on and on about how not scoring a 100 in school is OK. He tells me he now understands what this is like. Now, we are both working towards getting her to be a little more positive. Now, that is something that I have little hopes with