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Opinion On Reason For Divorce (someone My Mom Told Me About)

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ATI, Sep 11, 2019.

  1. Babyleafmom

    Babyleafmom New IL'ite

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    This
    This is true for all the posts and comments on Indus ladies forum as no one knows the other side of the story in these posts.
     
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  2. ATI

    ATI Silver IL'ite

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    Wow this discussion has gone way deeper than my argument with my mom. I see a lot of posts saying there isn’t enough info to judge and I agree. We only know what my mom’s friend told her but to me even her description was annoying. Basically this woman was spewing venom on her ex-DIL because the ex-DIL didn’t want to spend the next 10-20years caring for her aged ILs and spending the last 25 years in what might have been an unhappy marriage

    This story aside someone raised a very interesting point - what are our choices?

    My ILs are in their 70s, got their GC and come here 6 months every year. I didn’t get a say in this matter. DH informed me that his parents were applying and when I said WTF he asked me what I wanted him to do — he can’t leave his old parents to struggle in India. They don’t want to stay with a care taker or nurse and won’t stay in any old age facility. Their health issues means they can’t stay by themselves. We can’t afford to set them up on their own in the US and they don’t want that either. And no matter what they always come to me with their problems and requests. They never disturb their son because he is so busy and tired!!! Some days I feel so trapped. Maybe this is why I supported Mrs M though some people may think the divorce was too drastic. If DH and I didn’t have a good time when his parents aren’t here, I don’t know why I would stay in this marriage. Does anyone have a reasonable answer to this problem?

    If women insist ILs stay in India, DH will resent us. If ILs move here we have to struggle and end up resenting our lives.
     
  3. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    We are called a sandwich generation where many of us need to look after parents as well as children.

    May be we would all have gained enough from this experience that we will not burden our children with such issues.

    I can very well empathize with men who feel responsible for parents care as I as eldest of daughters only family feel the primary responsibility of caring for my parents.

    I think if caring for IL is a deal breaker in a marriage , then the husband need to know at the first instance of such talk happens. Then he and wife can make an informed decision of what their future will be.

    I am not against for this women to make a choice to quit marriage but it could be that husband was not aware of any signs and was badly hit suddenly with this decision. He may be slogging away in good faith for the family he built without knowing wife holds such resentment.

    The wife could have stood up and spoke for herself that the bringing Ils is a deal breaker or she can only do so much and will not be primary career .. he could have acted differently and may be they could have had a life .

    Or
    the other scenario could be the wife just was biding time to get her immigration sorted out , build her career , build finances using the financial security of the so called husband and marriage and when everything in place say bye bye ...not saying the MRS M did like this but this is also possibility ....


    Being assertive upfront is always a good option.
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2019
  4. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    There is no reasonable answer. It is a damned if you do, and damned if you don't situation.

    Unless the woman and her husband are like your BIL and his wife... manage to push the complete care of parents on sibling who has higher morals.
     
  5. rgz

    rgz Gold IL'ite

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    Regarding the “WTF” response above for them “applying”...

    Yes, Too bad that parents get old and need our (irrespective of gender) support. They disturb the functioning of our well oiled lives.

    Dont know what to say.
    Wish they had realized the abundant outpouring of love in their future, when they toiled to raise us.
     
  6. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    I don't think anyone leave a very happy, satisfied married life with a loving, understanding , supporting husband. Many men completely neglect their wife if PILs are around ( many posts in il forum on how PILs messup life of DILs and made their son dance with their tunes) - obviously not satisfying any emotional needs of her. If their marriage was not happy , PILs might have been additional burden. I dont think anyone leave very loving PILs like this. Also we dont know whether there was any kind of abuse involved. We also don't know whether they stopped her from visiting or taking care of her mother. Just filling the dots...

    Like many other Indian husband, he took her for granted. He thought she will keep on tolerating and will never leave him. All her warnings or assertions might have been ignored. Never imagined that she has courage to exit. Same with PILS, they never thought their DIL will ever escape. Taking care of parents is the duty of kids, son/daughter in law has supportive role only. But most of the time the burden will be on DIls.

    If she was running away after getting the GC, or with someone else, it would have been called a selfish act. She didn't do that . But she spend her precious 25years for family and kids. She took care of PILs all these years. They should be grateful for her , for that service.

    I think she got tired of the drama, escaped to breath some fresh air and experience a peaceful and relaxed life with her mom. She might have felt, she deserves atleast this. Obviously, she was done with the marriage. Only then one can exit like this. What's the point in staying in that scenario.
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2019
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  7. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Folks, did your parents and PILs physically take care of their PILs by bringing them to their homes? Neither my own parents nor my PILs did that. I have no idea why this GC and bringing and physically taking care are such a big thing. My FIL's dad was left alone for years after his mom passed. They went when they could and did what they could but never got him to stay with them long term. I think towards the end is when a sibling moved in. Same with my mom's and dad's parents. Everyone provided for the logistics of their care and took turns to go monitor the care but nobody moved to be with them or moved them into their homes. Is it because people are outside the country that the need to be present in the same place so important?

    Just an observation! Taking care vs physically looking after are completely different things. Being a primary caregiver to any person is a full time job in itself. It mostly falls on the women in the house. Taking care financially is different. There is not physical work involved.
     
  8. rgz

    rgz Gold IL'ite

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    Yes, physically with them in the same house till the end of their lives. The grandparents were blessed to be with their (adult) kids when they passed away eventually. Let me rephrase: The (adult) kids were blessed (not everyone is blessed that way), that they could care for their aged (and eventually dying) parents - that was a miniscule opportunity to return some of the love and care in a genuine way.
     
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  9. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I recently went to see a friend whose father passed away. Her MIL was there. She called me inside to “help make coffee”. So broken was she because she couldn’t make the one last trip to see her Dad on his deathbed because PILs spend six months with her. Hale and healthy PILs bless her by spending six months every year with her that she couldn’t make a trip in two years to see her father, thanks to the single income and the expenses of taking care of kids and parents in the US.

    I don’t think I can deal with that level of blessings, Raagz. I’d rather be cursed.

    I met uncle two weeks before he passed. He told me to tell her he was in high spirits and waiting to see her. I replay that conversation over and over in my head as I type this up.
     
  10. Agathinai

    Agathinai Silver IL'ite

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    Some lived with other siblings and some were living separately and some lived with them till their last breath.

    There were many practical feasibilities for them in such practice. Even if stayed away since they all lived in the same city they were able to visit often and give financial help, care for other domestic issues like banking, shopping and for getting carer for domestic help. So that was all done by sharing between the kids. It was easier that way. There was always this feeling from parents that their kids were around and could reach them quickly if need arises. So they felt much safer mainly emotionally.

    But nowadays with most kids living in far off countries most cannot do such help. They can provide for financial support but logistically it will not be possible to be around for them in other issues. It isn’t possible for many kids to take their parents or in laws overseas because its not easy to get domestic help there. It’s a lot of physical work and India is better suited for such things. Unless one is filthy rich to be able to manage their health care costs and domestic help overseas-most that I know don’t bring their parents or in laws abroad permanently. Usually they take turns to visit India often and help them. It works because less physical work for the kids, ability to provide more domestic support in India than abroad.

    Just my observation from folks around me.
     
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