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Opinion On Reason For Divorce (someone My Mom Told Me About)

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ATI, Sep 11, 2019.

  1. startinganew

    startinganew Gold IL'ite

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    To all others who might have to deal with this sooner or later - is there a more equitable solution?

    1) Bring parents in via GC but they live in an apartment close by with full-time help - with husband and wife visiting often and as much as possible? May not be affordable or even acceptable. But possible, no?

    Also, maybe when applying for GC - always do it for both set of parents at the same time. So that the option of who gets to move in/visit and when - remains open.
     
    shravs3 likes this.
  2. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    Sad.. but true. In my household, I make equal and at many different times... more than my husband.
    To the random eye... we are the modern home with a progressive husband... but there is an underlying hypocrisy... that I can ignore now... but the older I get, and the wiser I get... I could find myself reaching the end of the rope...

    And most importantly.. unlike my mom... I (and most independent, educated and earning women) am in this marriage, only because I want to, not because I need to.
    I hope the husband clan, understand this soon... before it is too late.
    OR everyone will need to live with the consequences of their actions and choices....
     
  3. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    Getting seperate setup in US And having full time help is Very expensive ... may not work out for many ....unless very rich and free of all usual mortgage etc responsibilities .

    Applying gc for both sets of
    Parents is good but they have to maintain it too , that is keep visiting frequently.

    Most important is being assertive at the right time and stand for what you want.

    It might come down to talk of divorce much earlier than later when you have already suffered and then leave one fine day.....

    If one has the money , no
    Visa issues ,one should just up and go ....When your own parents need you ... that is the best thing to do....
     
    hopelove and confused4sure like this.
  4. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Gold IL'ite

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    I think she did what's best for her.
    I had colleague who would tell us openly she is waiting for her parents death, so she can get divorced.

    It was my first job right after college, I had zero maturity I used to think she isn't a good lady. Now after reaching her age I emphathize her.
    Her husband wasn't physically abusive or mentally abusive. He was financially abusive.
    Will take her entire salary , give exact transport amount if she missed office bus. She won't eat outside, only take office coffee and free snacks.

    It will be unbelievable, once she ordered dosa immediately asked price the counter guy told Rs120 immediately she said no. Opted for 30rs idli. Poor soul. It was the only day she ate out.

    Mrs.M is bold lady who damn cared about people who never treated her as family in heart. She isn't selfish. 25 yrs is a huge time. Good she came out . Trend setter I would say for many ladies who silently endure difficulties, just for society, kids, what other's will say.
     
    hopelove, Anusha2917, shravs3 and 3 others like this.
  5. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    This is a very common problem regardless of the power or earning capacity of the other spouse. Looking at many families that suffer similar issues in marriage, I doubt whether these men do this on purpose or they also equally suffer helplessness, powerlessness just like their wives before parents?

    Let me share what happened in my household.

    My H was very nice when we were alone. The way he respects me, gives me priority in everything related to marriage, kids etc... and how he sacrifices for me shows the kind of affection he has on me.
    However, the same H changes before PILs. The moment they were in our life, everything changes.

    I was clueless for a while, but later I understood that my H was powerless, helpless, and voiceless before his parents.
    He wasn't like this before marriage, but after marriage he has been made to feel like this by his parents and people around them. Perhaps, they were challenging his male ego, his masculinity, making him feel guilty, fear of getting their curse... I don't know. Only his parents know what is that switch that could turn him off.

    That's when I put my foot down. I started to fight and make him equally miserable whenever he tries to take me for granted before his parents.
    I made it clear that no matter what, I can't be taken for granted for anyone. My rights and my love needs to be respected at ALL TIMES.

    He tried to balance us both, but after 10 years of complete struggle, he chose to cut them off from our lives, bearing all the curse and damage socially. Of course he was worried for the first 6 months, but now he is happy, stable, and clear about his decision!

    Life is very smooth for both of us from that time onwards!

    Had he remained unchanged (i.e dancing as per his parents' tunes), he too would have ended up being a divorcee one day. Thank God, he is saved.
    Of course his parents will come back sooner or later. But men need to respect the boundaries when it comes to their marriage.

    Some men know it all, but for some like my H the lesson is very costly.
     
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2019
  6. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    You hit the nerve of the issue. The PILs use all the tricks in the world to control their sons. My MIL will cry, shout, not eat, use emotional blackmail... every trick in the handbook to control her sons... if she is even slightly off the high pedestal. But if we, women can balance our parents and set limits, wby can’t these so called educated and smart husbands do the same. I am glad your husband wisened and understood his priorities...

    Unfortunately, mine would and could never do that to his mom. And she will NEVER release her strong hold on her sons....
     
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  7. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Why do women balance their extended families, and set clear boundaries after marriage?
    I don't think it is for the love and affection they have for their spouse.... NO
    Generally, it is due to the fear of losing their marriage.

    Women are made to believe that they should prioritize their H and PILs after marriage, and that is the only way to save their future.
    They know that, rebelling against this can be very costly, and it can amount to serious damage like divorce.
    Their parents know this too. That's why they silently take a back seat the moment their DD is married.
    Even if things go wrong with the DD's marriage, not many parents are ready to stand by her. Because in a patriarchal society daughters are considered responsibilities!!!
    THIS IS THE FEAR FACTOR

    On the contrary, men have got nothing to lose in a marriage. Regardless of setting boundaries with extended families or not, they are sure that their marriage will survive.
    Even if they honestly want to set boundaries to save their love, they can't do that easily.
    Their parents won't take a back seat just like that. They will become aggressive, and plan everything under the sun to trap their son.
    In a patriarchal society, No parents wanna lose their control over their sons. Because sons are considered wealth!!!
    THIS IS THE POWER FACTOR
     
  8. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    So true!!!
    whether it’s love marriage or arranged marriage wife has to obey/ respect husband’s parents. Do all kinds of service to them. But why doesn’t husband do the same for wife’s parents?
    Because according to these so called husbands after marriage it’s wife who leaves her parents home and enter the marital home/ sasural ka char.
    Even gals parents feel tat after marriage gal is paraya dhaan.
    So the wife is so damn confused about where does she exactly belong!!
     
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2019
    SGBV likes this.
  9. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Education and empowerment should give these wives a sense of belongingness. They belong to themselves, and not to their parents or in laws' places.
    They should be able to have a roof above their head, and meals for the rest of their lives. They should be able to have some support system (parents, friends, Gvt authorities, etc) during their dark days.
    Having all this in place, no woman will be scared of D word when it is used to control their lives.

    Society is not something that stays away from us. Society is us. It is me, my family, my neighbors, my relatives and my village.
    Change should start within us. The society will automatically follow that.
     
  10. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes.
    The wife has to become a part of husband family
    The inlaws also have to treat her as their daughter then.
     
    shravs3 likes this.

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