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Opinion On Reason For Divorce (someone My Mom Told Me About)

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ATI, Sep 11, 2019.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    It is ideal to speak up and take action in time. But often the woman, even though living abroad and an equal contributor in the marriage, is still held to the traditions that were practiced decades ago. They forego living as a joint-family but 6 month long visits remain the norm for years. And eventually after the in-laws retire, their GC is sponsored, and they come to live with the son in the U.S. The woman has little or no say in this matter throughout. Short of walking out of the marriage, there is nothing much she can do.

    In such cases, the women evaluate their options, and often they feel that the marriage is worth putting up with till the kids are out of the house. In fact, the idea of a future divorce which will cause less disruption to the kids makes the current more bearable, and hence the woman decides to bide her time.

    Once a marriage is dead for one or both the people, and at least one of them wants divorce badly enough to initiate it and see it through, it is each for himself/herself. They can be civil to each other, but each has to put his/her own interests first before and during the divorce. Finances, standard of living, and retirement plans take a big hit. Unfortunately, giving too much notice can backfire.

    We often read in IL: he is a great father though a bad husband. So, divorcing when the father-role becomes less important might actually be a kindness in disguise rather than speaking up years earlier when the children are still young.
     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2019
  2. rgz

    rgz Gold IL'ite

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    Rih - knowing something planned 10 yrs (or more) upfront , and mentally preparing for it (10 yrs or more or less, we dont know but I suspect its not a sudden decision for her ) - and then "springing it upon " a married spouse of 25 years - that is borderline cruel. Nothing can be done to prevent her from leaving - like you and Laks said. But it is what it is. Sprang a nasty surprise on him unless she had declared to him years ago that this was in the works. I think it hit him like a moving train when she said "its over". She had the time to process it for a lonnngg time. He was issued a total knock-out punch, if he didn't know this was coming from her.
     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2019
  3. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Total knock-out punch compared to the slow day-by-day killing of the spirit that women routinely endure over years of interference from in-laws until they move in for good.
     
    shravs3, Sunshine04, hopelove and 2 others like this.
  4. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    I don't think that she had sprang a nasty surprise on him now.

    I assume it was never a lovy dovey marriage. I assume they have had a lot of misunderstanding and issues going on for years.
    I assume the H was made aware of the irritation, and disappointments of the wife in so many ways in the past 25 years.
    Even then, some men have this tendency of taking things for granted. No matter how much she cribs, she won't leave me. No matter what she thinks, she can't separate from me after 25 years.
    This is where they fail. This is what they consider as a surprise, perhaps nasty surprise when they hear the D word after all.

    But according to me, it is not cruel. It is the liberation after 25 years long battle.
    Like Rabbit and Turtle race. The rabbit was over confident that the turtle can never win him. Hence he slept. But the turtle won at last. It was a surprise for that Rabbit. Perhaps a nasty surprise to lose from a turtle.
    But it was not turtle's mistake. It was not cruel from Turtle's part to win his race.
     
  5. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you for bringing in the turtle and rabbit, SGBV. We were becoming like the blind men and the elephant, trying to issue verdicts based on OP's narration.

    You are right. The turtle has no fiduciary, ethical or other responsibility to wake up or warn the over-confident sleeping rabbit as he (turtle) makes his way to the finish line.


    turtle.jpg
     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2019
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    A thousand likes to your post SGBV.....
     
  7. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    Some practical questions.. who is giving alimony to whom .... who is paying / paid kids fees ... how is the property distributed ..

    That will also give some clues and
    May help in conclusion

    If husband is not having a job ... can he claim alimony from ex-wife or is wife getting alimony from husband ....

    I know a female whose husband dumped her after 20 years of using her salary to establish his business and when business went kaput , divorces the wife on grounds that she is depressed ... wife now no job , an ex who cannot pay alimony , kids and a home loan to manage and mentally stressed ... husband just moved on to relatives place ....I mean escaped the marriage with no consequences ...
     
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2019
  8. startinganew

    startinganew Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks for sharing a real-life story here.

    On the lighter side...
    I wish a little art film of this is taken and shared via whatsapp to lots of people.

    So Indian husbands know that having kids and being in a marriage for 25 years - doesn't deter a woman from restarting her life in any way she chooses.

    And importantly tells people that you can't take your spouse (husband or wife) for granted no matter what the circumstances. We have no idea why their marriage broke - but we know of a woman who could do what she wanted to do and ... the best part is of being able to take care of her parent in old-age.
     
    hermitcrab, shravs3 and yellowmango like this.
  9. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    There is so much truth to many of the posts that are defending the women's decision to leave. I have posted multiple times here, about a husband who is a great dad, ok husband - when MIL is not in town but generally takes me and my work for granted. Always considers his mom's needs before mine. Although, he says, he is there for me, I know it is not true when his mom is visiting or her needs/opinion are different from mine. AND we are planning to process their GC soon (I have no say is this, as with most households). given the situation, I can completely understand how the wife felt.. the word is--- cornered. (With no great options to choose from). It is a no-win situation.... IF the H cannot have his way, because I am objecting to his plan... he will always blame me and make life hell... if I don't object and he has his way... life would be hell again... So one might think, might as well walk away and deal with some unknown outcome... there might be a chance of something better than hell waiting for you......

    the problem starts when one spouse takes the other for granted, and they are not allowed to weigh in on critical decisions.
     
  10. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Cornered is the word. I have seen this play out in the lives of my close friends. It is easy for me to post a turtle and rabbit cartoon and have a laugh but in reality it makes me so mad to see my friends with none or limited choices. The husbands are the most likeable, reliable, easy-going chaps, but when it comes to the care of his parents, the age-old norms that are unfair to women kick in without any say from the woman.

    Right now one friend is dealing with this. She is too classy to say it openly, but we in her close circle know without her saying it. Her sons are both in college/ working. She works but is a consultant who can dictate when and how long each project is. Fairly rich, huge paid for house, so her income is kind of dispensable. Her in-laws have moved to the U.S., moved in with them, she is expected to handle most of their care including 1.5 hour long drive to specialist or therapist or something. Her mother had a stroke, recovery time is expected to be 3-4 months, meanwhile her father slipped and hurt his hip/back (thankfully no fracture). She could not simply up and go to be there with her parents indefinitely. She makes really short visits once in 2.5-3 months, each one so exhausting as before going she has to take care of so many things here, and before leaving India, she has to coordinate so many things there. On top of that, her mother is fussy about who cooks food for them. I have seen the toll the past 1.5 years have taken on her. It is as shocking as how it feels when we go to India after 2 years and see how much parents have aged and become more frail.

    She never really had a say in in-laws visiting or moving in, and now she does not really have the freedom to take care of her parents as much as she would like to. Technically she can, but the unpleasantness will be something she does not want with her sons still visiting them once in few weeks.

    I have known her parents for 20+ years, and it hurts to think of Aunty and Uncle helpless, bedridden, and at the mercy of hired help in India with daughter coordinating things on the phone from the U.S.

    Yes, and unfortunately, it happens even in very modern households where it seems like the woman is independent, educated, earning....
     
    hermitcrab, hopelove, shravs3 and 4 others like this.

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