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Opinion On Reason For Divorce (someone My Mom Told Me About)

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ATI, Sep 11, 2019 at 12:24 AM.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    We don't know the entire story for sure. But there are bits and pieces of the story from her MIL's friend/neighbor's version.
    Taking it from the MIL's friend/neighbor, it is obvious we give benefit of the doubt to Mrs M. And, we have seen many Mrs Ms in real life too. So, this story doesn't come across as something unnatural.

    Mrs M's in laws go to their son's home for resting.
    Mrs M's mother is not allowed to visit or stay in the US with her DD, but she had to stay with her brother's family despite of having raised a child of hers.
    But the same mother is now with Mrs M in the US after her separation.

    There are certain threshold, after which women loses their tolerance level.
    For some it is their kids's safety/well-being, for some it is their relationship with FOO, for some it is their self-respect etc....
    You can't force a woman to take care of her PILs, while her own parents are left to die somewhere else. Perhaps this is Mrs M's tolerance level it seems.
     
  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    There was no selfishness or cruelty involved.
    She took care of husband and his family for 25 years.
    Made sure children were old enough.
    Left the husband with the people he cared for most ....atleast more than her.All of them adults.

    Why be cruel to herself ?

    Time for her to take care of herself and her mother too.

    I don't think she was bold....more like completely fed up and tired.
     
  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    This.
    We see so many women here who have no say in whether they want to live with in laws or not . It is like their opinion is not required . They are just like the dishwashers and washing machines that do their work without having an opinion .This does not work without casualties on either side. Not when the woman is educated ,independent and has an option.

    Culture,traditions,sanskar can not pin you down when you you are dying to breathe ....you either have to break free and breathe or just die inside.
     
  4. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Apart from living with in laws many marriages have tension because husband does not care about kids or wife at all even if wife is working. When kids are small wife need support from husband which she never get. So wife is resentful many years and husband keep ignoring. But when he is old he expect his kids will take care of him. I have seen many cases like this.
     
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  5. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Selfish? Borderline cruel? How?

    Like Malstrom commented, in a divorce there is his side, her side and the truth. That being acknowledged, I am hard put to imagine which known or unknown act of Mrs. M would qualify for selfish or borderline cruel.

    In a divorce, it is each party for themselves, while keeping the interests of any not-yet-adult children as a high priority and aiming to keep the proceedings as civilized as possible.

    One of the saddest conversations a couple can have is where one of them agrees to stop/start a behavior due to and only after divorce becomes a very imminent reality. It is a no-win for both of them. When one party is really ready to initiate and go through a divorce, it is too late for the other to rectify his/her ways.
     
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  6. avzsmart1993

    avzsmart1993 New IL'ite

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    from what you're saying, I don't think what Mrs. M did is wrong. We only have one life, we should live it the way we want to. I hope Mr. M had appreciated his wife when she was doing her part. Had he done that, they might still be together. In our society, often times, women are expected to do certain things just because they are the wives. They need to take care of kids, look after in laws, cook, take care of the house. If at all a woman gets a husband who helps with chores or does his part, she is considered extremely lucky. Its time we stop expecting women to do certain things.

    Instead of expecting her to take care of in laws, she should be asked if she can help out with taking care of them. I think that makes a huge difference. She should be appreciated for taking care of them. The husband should do their fair share of the help too. Its his parents after all. I hope, one day, we can say this is how the social norm is.

    Until then, I hope women get the strength to decide whats best for them, like Mrs M did. I hope they sorted out how the kids should be handled.
     
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  7. Patientone

    Patientone New IL'ite

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    I agree with you 100% and so glad the lady got out for her own happiness. I keep thinking it maybe me someday. Some in-laws expect sons to look after them even when they didn’t look after their own parents.
     
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  8. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    Who is at Risk for a Gray Divorce? It Depends
    Divorce among the older generation in America is soaring. It even has a special name now. A gray divorce. And since people tend to live long lives these days, the divorced do not just give up and mope around. They relaunch their lives.

    There is a bright side for both Mr. & Mrs. M. There are plenty of others sailing in the same model boat. While Mr.M cannot go back to Mrs. M, because of irreconcilable baggages [:facepalm: that sounds like an airline checkin counter predicament], he can jolly well go to some other Mrs.M' [that is M-prime] who might take him on under the same terms he had offered ex-Mrs.M -- that he'd send away his parents, and do whatever else she wanted..etc..

    If Mr. M is planning to be in India, he could be in much better luck*, in so far as being able to snag a chief-cook & housemaid, who would also take care of his parents.... provided he brought along sufficient money to be able to live much better than the average desi.

    *lots of readily adjustable girls !!
     
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2019 at 4:47 AM
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  9. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Oh yeah!!.
    These so called advisers will be putting up with a worse marriage
     
  10. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello ATI,

    This is an interesting story. However, I do think there is some opinion and conjecture mixed in with the facts which is causing confusion. Opinion as conveyed by ATI’s mother could have very well been understood by her in all innocence and not with any wrong intent. But I feel it changes the story materially. For example let us see the para below. I have bolded what I believe are the facts as relate to Mr M.
    From the above facts it looks like around the time the divorce happened Mr M suffered a job loss and afterwards was unable to find another job. And we all know taking care of 2 seniors (with whatever their health issues) and himself on his savings in US is a tough proposition. I feel that is why they decided to move back to India where his dollars can stretch much further and where hiring household help and eldercare is not so prohibitively expensive.

    Mrs M has a job so stayed and called her mom to her. Mr M lost his hence left.

    Ultimately they dissolved the marriage and both opted to live with their own parents—to me this is the most interesting part! An anti marriage or marriage rewind as it were. Just rewind back to the beginning.
     
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