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One After The Other, My H's Relatives Are Disconnecting With Us...

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SGBV, Jun 4, 2018.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear all,

    Its been almost a decade into marriage life. We have seen real hell to heaven in this life.
    However, the rough sail made us strong, and bonded so well to stay together no matter what may come.

    My MIL has accepted us, mingling with us, and maintain a smooth relationship outwardly.
    She shows before others that she loves her elder son more than others, and her grand kids are her world. In fact, she often gifts something or the other to the kids, and help us as and when we are in need.
    There fore, we are fully convinced that she has changed, and everything has been changed to our favor in this relation.

    Earlier, she was evil, and she has created hell in our life. After a point, I've decided to cut all the ties with her, and was ready to lose my marriage if that forces me to mingle this woman again.
    But slowly things became under control, and we have moved on.

    Looks like, my MIL hasn't removed her make up. She is still on acting mode.
    She has never ever accepted us. But acted like one, and made us believe that she has changed.
    She has been always trying for avenues to separate us, make us fight, and be the losers. So that she can proudly claim to others that her son and DIL have lost their chosen life as it was a choice against her wish.

    My instinct has always been telling this, though I didn't have any lead to confront the same.

    1> MIL has never requested any helps from us. Not even accepted our gifts on special days.
    Even if we gift anything, she would return it or give away to someone else.
    2> MIL has never ever eaten at our home. Not even at hotels if the invitation is from us. But she usually eats at other person's homes, and hotels with BILs.
    3> She has never once called my H on phone even for emergency. Despite of living as neighbors, she would often get helps from her family friend's son instead of my H. If BIL is available, she would get his helps.
    4> Never once visited inside our home. Often stay in the waiting area and take kids from there to her home for play. She would pretend as though she is busy.
    5> Now that kids are sick, and we have stopped them from going to School, classes etc as some viral infection is spreading in our locality. So Kids were not allowed to go to MIL's home either. Instead of visiting them often, she chooses to visit other kids to their homes.
    6> She forcefully make my H eat her food, though I cook for my family. She would bring food, and make my H eats them
    7> If H refuses her food, she would get angry, so he silently gets them and sometimes throw them.
    8> She would often criticize me, bad mouth about me and so on. Her relatives, and friends look at me as though I am an alien. She would maintain a very rough face when others are around, so that they would think we are not in good terms. But when no one is around, she would talk sweetly.
    9>Almost all the relatives, and neighbors who are close to MIL are not in talking terms with us. They would either silently discontinue the relationship or make a long face and blatantly ignore us for no reason.
    10> She would completely ignore us when her other sons are around.

    Having said the above, I feel she still keeps vengeance and bitterness against us, but shows up a good face externally.

    Now that, all of a sudden my H's youngest bro and his wife started ignoring us.
    They live in the UK, and visit us once a year on vacation. Before their marriage, BIL kept a distance and my H didn't bother.
    But after his marriage, his wife showed lot of interest in getting to know us. This way, we all got connected a lot.
    But this year, all of a sudden they ignore us. Despite of being here for 2 weeks, they didn't visit our home yet.
    We visited them twice, and talked & invited them. But they give lame excuses till now.

    Similarly, one of my H's family friend, who was more than a relative to my H's family is now avoiding completely.
    They were good with us before, but suddenly they have excluded us in their guest list for an event. Like wise, they didn't visit my son when he was sick with Dengue.
    They would have rushed to our home on a daily basis had things stayed normal.

    If MIL is really into some act, but doing things behind our back... then we need to make a full stop urgently.
    Looks like everyone has their own unique reason to stay away from us. But my instinct say it was my MIL who is behind this.
    How to prove this?
    Shall I leave it at this, and move on? Or shall I find out the real reason behind such disconnection? if so how?
     
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  2. Zxcv

    Zxcv Silver IL'ite

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    Dear SGBV,

    If you are close to your co-sister ..can you have a direct talk to her? Ask her if anything is wrong and that you are feeling as if they are avoiding you and also that the kids want to see them..may be opening the conversation by sharing something general and then approaching this topic.
    You MIL seems to be behind this based on her behavior towards your family so far. It is very very difficult to prove unless she is caught red handed/ or someone confides in you and even then it may be difficult as it will cause a big scene and things may get worse.
    It would drive me crazy too and I can understand your predicament ..my suggestion would be to approach your cosister as initially she was genuinely interested in bonding with you all or the other option would be talking your husband talking to your BIL..
     
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  3. Greenbay

    Greenbay Gold IL'ite

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    Didn’t you post a thread in recent weeks that your PIL’s family is resorting to black magic and evil spirits to harm you and your immediate family? If that is true or you believed it to be true, then wouldn’t distancing from them a blessing in disguise?
     
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  4. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    @SGBV,

    Just a thought, specially in the southern India - rural parts, inter-religious marriages (sadly, even inter caste) are not not accepted. The behavioral pattern of your MIL, vaguely looks familiar, many oldies from village side specially from particular castes are like that.

    It doesn't matter, how long their son or daughter is married. Not sure, how common inter religious marriages are in Srilanka.
     
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Its a blessing that comes on my way. And I am happy that my H is seeing it with the right spirit.
    I am not at all sad about distancing from PILs, and their family. All I want is to know the reason behind this drama, so that my H and I can make a very clear plan for our future.

    All these while, it was my instinct alone, and I had nothing to prove it beyond. My H always felt, his parents are genuine, but their village based attitude and style is what makes me confused here. That's why I too was confused and allowed them to ruin our family.

    Now that, we have prayed over for the BM thing, and hopeful that things will get cleared by the will of God very soon.
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Love marriages are very common here. Therefore, we have plenty of inter- faith marriages happening around.
    Not every parents like it though. But they eventually get over it and accept their children.
    They don't stage such cheap drama to ruin their children's life this way. After all, they are parents and how can they ruin their own children's life.
    One of my Aunt was devastated when her only son had a love marriage to a Muslim girl.
    She cried a lot for that, and kept a distance from her son's life for sometimes. But she didn't do BM, or bad mouthing, or anything to ruin her son or DIL's marriage.
    Now that its been 5 or 6 years in to marriage, and they are together. She dearly loves her grand kids and respects the diversity.
    Not to say that she gets along very well with her DIL. They have thousand internal problems, but that's about MIL vs DIL issue. Nothing beyond to kill her or make her miserable or force her to run away from her marriage. You, get me???

    Perhaps, the very rural and uncivilized people might do things like this. But they look different from us, so we can stay careful with them, right?
    But my PILs are educated, civilized and look like us, mingle closely with us... How common it is in India among educated and civilized people, though they come from rural villages?

    In my case, MIL is Indian, and FIL is Sri Lankan but he is originally from India.
     
  7. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear SGBV
    If you have sincerely tried to be nice to your H's relatives and in spite of it they ignore you then nothing much can be done, even if your MIL is behind this or not, when they are trying to avoid you then you cannot force them to show their affection on you or your kids, just concentrate on the few people who really are your well wishers .

    When my in laws were alive our entire lives were revolving around them, every little details that happens in our house would immediately go to both my sisters in law's ears, I was sick of their interference ,free useless advice's and had absolutely nil privacy. Not only my Sisters in law even MIl's sisters were big nuisance .
    But today we are living in our own little world, hardly any contact with my sisters in laws, the once interfering SIL's now don't even talk to their own brother may be twice or thrice in a year that to very formal talk, I am very happy about it as hubby is no more influenced by them, my sisters and me share an awesome relationship and I have few friends , chatting with any of them makes me feel happy , my sincere advice to you don't bother about people who are ignoring or avoiding you because they are just not worth it, I just don't think about the people who don't care about me and wish you do the same.
     
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2018
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  8. silentlistener

    silentlistener Silver IL'ite

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    What are you going to achieve by proving it ? Nothing.

    If your man agrees with you that your mother in law is hostile to you, wasn't it sufficient ?
     
  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    No, it was not sufficient for the horror that I suffered in the past decade. Also, it was not sufficient to save my Co-sisters from the horrors that they are suffering right now from this same woman.
    We all DIL had some or the other weakness that we could not walk out from this marriage. Basically, our husbands were good gentlemen otherwise except for the fact that they could not see their parents' extreme cunning behavior. They always thought that we were over imagining, we were being extra careful or we were brain washed by our family etc.. But indeed, the fact is that these sons were fooled by this double faced parents.
    In fact, it has taken me almost a decade to make my H see what it is. But by this time, I have lost all my newly wedded phase.

    This lady needs a punishment. Her sons should spit on her face and cut all the ties with her for being extremely cruel like this. They trusted her, and they should learn to NOT to trust her ever again.
    The women in her gang needs to understand her double face and stop interacting with her

    Hope you would have read my last thread about BM, right?
    Let me tell you something in relation to that ...,

    A couple of weeks back, my H told her not to cook dinner for him, as he prefer to eat whatever cooked by his wife {me} instead.
    It was after our internal discussion about BM, but we didn't give that as a reason while communicating to PILs.
    But as usual MIL cooked chapatis for H, and brought it to our home before I started cooking dinner.
    Since I haven't cooked anything yet, she asked my H to eat what she has cooked now.
    My H refused it and said he likes Puttu instead, which I was planning to cook.
    She screamed and shouted at my H for denying her chapatis like a hysteria patient.
    The FIL came a little later and inquired why my H denied the chapatis. He gave the same reason again. But FIL said, OK.. let;s keep them in the fridge and you can eat it tomorrow.
    The next day, we forgot about this, and had a party at home { for my kids' achievement on a competition}. We cooked biryani, and there was so much left over biryani for us to cover the dinner. My H liked it lot.

    Again, at night MIL and FIL brought those cold chapatis from the previous day, and asked my H to eat them.
    He was furious, as he was expecting some spicy biryani that time, and it was almost on the table. So, he shouted back at MIL and asked her to throw them or give it to the dogs {they have 3 dogs btw}.
    And MIL murmured like "you are refusing my food, for that you are gonna die soon".
    My H didn't hear what exactly she murmured, but he observed her hateful body language.

    After that incident, they completely stopped visiting us for 2 days. Showed angry face on us whenever we saw each other.
    But a day later, she brought pomegranate fruit to the kids. Instead of giving the full fruit, she cut it open, and gave the seeds in a dish.
    I usually give whatever MIL shares to the kids though. But this time, after hearing so much about BM and stuff, I decided not to give them to the kids. But I still took it with a normal face, and pretended to give them later.
    But I told my worries to my H, as well told him about nippah virus issue, and how much careful we must be before giving fruits to the kids in general.
    I told, that we don't know whether MIL was sure that these fruits were not damaged by birds. Because MIL has a habit of cutting the damaged parts of all the fruits, and serve them. Which can be dangerous na?
    So, my H suggested not to give the fruits, but to throw them away. He later asked MIL to share the full fruits instead of seeds for the same concern.
    Then MIL got angry, and stopped giving us any fruits from her garden. When my H casually asked, she said all the fruits are now damaged by the birds.

    But when BIL family were there, they brought so much chocolates, but MIL didn't give anything to the kids, except one piece which was peeled open.
    How can I trust this woman????
     
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  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks dear..

    I am not hurt or sad for the fact that they are avoiding. Instead, this is the first step of my success journey.
    My H is seeing this, and started distancing from them, including his own family now a days. Which has happened after almost a decade.

    However, I want to know what exactly has happened. Why they ignore us. And the reasons, so that my H can be fully aware of his parents and their double face. This way, they can't fool him again.
     
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