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Once Abuser, Always Abuser. Is It Always, True ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by silentlistener, Jun 14, 2018.

  1. silentlistener

    silentlistener Silver IL'ite

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    Happened to watch the above 11 minutes video by an Indian woman who has suffered domestic violence repeatedly.

    Time and again , I have to listened to the things like," once abuser always abuser; ", "once perpetrator of domestic violence always a perpetrator. " etc.

    For the first time in my life, I have listened to a view which is diametrically opposite to the above one.

    It is more fascinating when I listened to it from a woman herself; much more so from a woman who has suffered domestic violence by her self.

    Her concept is , "give the male perpetrator of domestic violence a second chance; the second Chance is worth it"

    Very recently I have read a thread here, of an Indian origin American woman about how she was about to file for divorce, from her husband , based on domestic violence and abuse. She gave him a second chance, at the instance of her father. Much to her own surprise and dismay, her husband changed a lot and she could save her marriage. (Do not want to name her).

    For the past 4 years I have been reading every single thread in this forum. The above is the only one real life story, where an abusing husband has changed totally upon being given a second Chance. Are such stories really a rare thing or it's common that abusing men will change , if given a second chance ?

    How many such instances of relationship have you come across where abusers change upon being given a second chance ?
     
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  2. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap Finest Post Winner

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    Thanks for sharing the above video. There is always a scope for a change. But...I would say it is a huge risk a woman has to take with her abusive partner. In India where marriages are expected to last a lifetime most women and a few men are putting up with a lot of abuse with an eternal hope that the situation improves. In most cases that I have seen, it is a Kabhi kushi kabhi gham scene.
     
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  3. silentlistener

    silentlistener Silver IL'ite

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  4. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    For lack of better or worse things to do? : )

    Based on the little I've seen among relatives and friends, abusive husbands don't change. An affair can be left behind and the person might reform, but abusers.. I haven't seen any of them reform. Maybe the wife became more confident and started earning or something, and physical abuse stopped. But the basic nature of the man, I've rarely seen change.

    About second chance ... if there are kids involved or many years have been invested in the relationship, maybe risk another year or so and give him a second chance. If not, call it quits and find someone else. About marrying someone whose marriage ended due to his abusing the wife, I'd say avoid it, unless one has fallen in love, and if so, give him a chance but tread with caution.
     
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  5. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    Why dismay? Was she looking for a good reason to walk away? :thinking:
     
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  6. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    None sadly. In cases of physical abuse I am wary of second chances. Why does a man inflict physical pain on a woman? Some reasons that I can think of,

    A. He has problems with emotion management and impulse control. These usually stem from psychological issues like low self esteem, feelings of entitlement, or narcissism.
    B. He has core beliefs (cultural, religious) that justify such behavior. This is due to childhood conditioning. He has observed this behavior within his own family and does not believe it is wrong.
    C. He is a sociopath with no empathy.

    Apart from C which is a pathology, the other two are ingrained behaviors. They are part of the individual's personality. I'm not saying change is impossible but, to use a physics metaphor, the 'escape velocity' required to overcome these personality traits is very high. The abuser must not only see the error of their ways and admit it, but actively seek help to correct these tendencies, which in most cases is long-term, often life-long, therapy. Even therapy requires one to be self-motivated to work well. Unless the abusive individual has a paradigm shattering experience which either calls into question his belief system or makes him pay a monumental price for his actions, he is unlikely to want to effect permanent change. It is far more likely that he will experience genuine short term remorse but eventually return to the patterns that underpin his personality. There is also the gratification factor. Abusers enjoy the feeling of power and control they get by terrorizing their victim. It gives them a perverse high which is like an addiction. It isn't easy to resist. Such men (and women) can change but the number is depressingly small.

    If a woman must give an abuser a second chance it must be done only if the person commits to a mutually agreed upon process for behavior change, including therapy, involving family and social circle, and accepting consequences for past behavior. Despite this the woman must put her own interests first and make sure that if necessary she has a safe way out.
     
  7. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap Finest Post Winner

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    Good points.

    Since physical abuse is a socially and culturally ingrained behaviour in the society across the world, it is extremely tough and almost impossible to get rid of. The cultural conditioning is so strong that nobody including many women, feel it is an issue. Mental and emotional atyachar ....WHAT IS THAT? IT IS AN IMAGINED MALADY! BLAME IT ON THE EDUCATION, FOREIGN INFLUENCE.... WOMAN'S MENTAL ILLNESS, FEMINISM THAT IS RUINING THE GREAT INDIAN MARRIAGES AND IT'S AWESOME PATRIARCHAL SYSTEM. Organise a puja, a special prayer or call an exorcist; she is possessed!
     
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  8. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    Despite my personal experience, i still agree with the "once an abuser, always an abuser" sentiment, with a caveat. Abusive behavior is often the response abuser's have to their own insecurities. When one is ready to face their problems and fix these behaviors, they have a chance to break the cycle of abuse- until then, they are always in danger of returning to abusive behaviors.

    In my case, the real threat of broken family and an impending cross-country move, provoked such a change. Of course the jury is still out- there is no way to know until the situations that cause insecurities arise, but 2nd chances are worth a try when there are serious steps taken by the abuser. (And when there are more at stake-like children)
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2018
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  9. silentlistener

    silentlistener Silver IL'ite

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    Okay.
     
  10. silentlistener

    silentlistener Silver IL'ite

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    Well said. In my personal life also I have seen only such short-term remorse and short-term change in behaviour of an abuser.

    For about 4 to 6 months the abuser stops abuse, when his wife went to her parents with a threat of separation. After the wife comes back, he remind normal for about six months only. He re-started abusing her again. This is what I have seen in many couples in my real life.
     
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