Once Abuser, Always Abuser. Is It Always, True ?

For lack of better or worse things to do? : )

Based on the little I've seen among relatives and friends, abusive husbands don't change. An affair can be left behind and the person might reform, but abusers.. I haven't seen any of them reform. Maybe the wife became more confident and started earning or something, and physical abuse stopped. But the basic nature of the man, I've rarely seen change.

About second chance ... if there are kids involved or many years have been invested in the relationship, maybe risk another year or so and give him a second chance. If not, call it quits and find someone else. About marrying someone whose marriage ended due to his abusing the wife, I'd say avoid it, unless one has fallen in love, and if so, give him a chance but tread with caution.

 

None sadly. In cases of physical abuse I am wary of second chances. Why does a man inflict physical pain on a woman? Some reasons that I can think of,

A. He has problems with emotion management and impulse control. These usually stem from psychological issues like low self esteem, feelings of entitlement, or narcissism.
B. He has core beliefs (cultural, religious) that justify such behavior. This is due to childhood conditioning. He has observed this behavior within his own family and does not believe it is wrong.
C. He is a sociopath with no empathy.

Apart from C which is a pathology, the other two are ingrained behaviors. They are part of the individual's personality. I'm not saying change is impossible but, to use a physics metaphor, the 'escape velocity' required to overcome these personality traits is very high. The abuser must not only see the error of their ways and admit it, but actively seek help to correct these tendencies, which in most cases is long-term, often life-long, therapy. Even therapy requires one to be self-motivated to work well. Unless the abusive individual has a paradigm shattering experience which either calls into question his belief system or makes him pay a monumental price for his actions, he is unlikely to want to effect permanent change. It is far more likely that he will experience genuine short term remorse but eventually return to the patterns that underpin his personality. There is also the gratification factor. Abusers enjoy the feeling of power and control they get by terrorizing their victim. It gives them a perverse high which is like an addiction. It isn't easy to resist. Such men (and women) can change but the number is depressingly small.

If a woman must give an abuser a second chance it must be done only if the person commits to a mutually agreed upon process for behavior change, including therapy, involving family and social circle, and accepting consequences for past behavior. Despite this the woman must put her own interests first and make sure that if necessary she has a safe way out.