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Old Friends

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by aniya, Jul 31, 2019.

  1. aniya

    aniya Senior IL'ite

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    (Old Friends) I and my husband know a couple since last 15-20 years, the lady was my classmate. We are quite close and meet each other regularly. We knew each other from the time we all had started working and had no money, so you can say we share a close bond. We enjoy their company.

    (New Friends) Now I also have another group of couple friends since last 3 years and we also meet up quiet regularly. We usually meet the new friends separately. In a few parties my old friends interacted with my new friends and hit it off together. Strangely they immediately started contacting each other directly and making plans. Since last few months all programs/events are with the full group, even if we are not able to make it, they all still go ahead and make plans without us.

    I and my husband are very surprised and feel as though we have lost our old friends and are quiet sad. We understand that for festivals and occasions like birthdays it would be normal to call all and have a bigger group but now every week there are common plans. There are no more events only with us and the old friends like before. Also no longer do we just meet the new friends. So we feel we have lost out on both counts. I and my husband don’t feel the same comfort level when all are together in the party/event.

    When we tried to discus with our new friends about this they said that our old friends kept calling them and they were forced to oblige them and they themselves don’t prefer such meets ups every week but occasionally is fine. Ofcourse we cant discuss too much with them either as then it would be awkward.

    First is this a issue and am I justified on feeling bad and left out.
     
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  2. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    You are being too possessive. People can socialize with anyone. They are including you in the plans , so no big deal. Why should you feel left out ? I would be happy for both the sets of friends, more the merrier.
     
    Amica, Anusha2917 and nakshatra1 like this.
  3. kcb

    kcb IL Hall of Fame

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    Now you all knew each other, so may be they thought common get togethers are more easier than planning separate meet ups.

    Seems you are feeling insecure as they became close to each other and enjoying events even in your absence. You need to come out of these feelings and taking it easy, else you will lose your good friends eventually.

    First of all you shouldn't have discussed with your friend about these common meet ups, you are giving her a chance to think you are possessive and insecure.
     
    Anusha2917 likes this.
  4. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    Few years back when I was married I moved to a different city away from my best friend of 15 years.
    Then life was moving on with occasional phone calls etc with her.

    Then after 3 years of my marriage she got married. When I went to her marriage I found her other friends(who came into her life much after me ) were more close to her and I was totally lost in all the marriage functions of hers with these insecurities . This literally affected me a lot. Name it jealously or whatever . I just could not accept this fact. It affected me a lot.

    But hey life moved on. She moved to US and I was here in India. We are in touch and when I go to US I enjoy with her. When she is in India we enjoy. Now looking back I felt silly to have felt jealous during her marriage.
    I could have chosen to be with those girls and enjoy even more. Not that I didn't. Some insecurity feeling was definitely there.

    It's common to get such feelings but I think it's not difficult to ignore such thoughts.
    Your old friend and new friends have every right to bond and enjoy with or without you. Because you could not join them a few times they have carried on with their plans..that's it.
    Nothing wrong in that OP. Even if it's full group get togethers it's even better. More people more fun isn't it?

    Don't further confess anything to anyone. When there's a plan try to join them and enjoy and don't good friends because of such reasons. :)
     
    hermitcrab likes this.
  5. sumzaya

    sumzaya Gold IL'ite

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    Yeah.. just dont convey ur insecurities or feelings to anyone in that group. Join as much as gettogethers possible.. dont discriminate old n new... Try to keep the relation as easy as possible... Dont refrain urself .. its like just get into the flow....

    U will feel better wen u involve more... Just indulge in the positives... Ur feelings are just normal but wen u start enjoying more u mite even forget u had these feelings ... So go ahead....
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    If you are a very positive relationship with both sets of friends, it shouldn't bother you.
    But if your relationship is just for the name sake, and there is so much in between that you are not comfortable talking or sensitive matters involved, then.. yes.. their unity can make you feel insecure.
    In the latter case, either set is not your real friend - though they might come in as friends, and stay in your life for long as friends... it is not true friendship.
    Therefore, better you take things as they come.

    Let me tell you this with one life example.

    I had a best friend from college.. and then one best friend from work.
    At some point I have to invite both, and involve both in my wedding times.
    They became closer to each other during that time, and we three immediately clicked.
    We had similar background, similar problems, similar responsibilities (kids etc) and the friendship stays same.
    Now that we have moved on in life, and don't live in the same place.
    But we 3 are still friends, and the other 2 interact with each other with or without my knowledge, but that doesn't affect me.

    And there is this 2 families, that became our friends after marriage. One related to me, and other related to my H.
    The family related to my knows all the issues that I faced by PILs, and our concerns and they helped us to stand up and move on with life.
    The other family doesn't know this much of sensitive matters, but still are connected to us and are very good people.
    At one point, they both became friends, and started seeing each other.
    Each time, whenever they are together, my heart beat rises, because I would be worried what if family B reveals everything that I shared about my PILs to the family A (who are related to PILs) etc.

    As I suspected, one day they discussed about us at our absence, and that created a lot of rifts later on. Now that, they are just our acquaintance only.
     
  7. Angela123

    Angela123 Silver IL'ite

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    Hey,
    I have a similar situation. we hit it off with a family who are living in the next city. The first i invited them over, we came to know the guy's BIL is my husbands senior in college. We met with them next time in their home. Ever since we have our gettogethers have both families. We definitely prefer the first family over another (senior's fam), but since they all are from one family, we can not invite just one family. So we try to deal with them exactly the same, when we travel or stay over at homes, we know everyone is different but we still accommodate. They both have plenty of events together were we don't attend. we have accepted and decided we treat them equally, so that we can enjoy the company without any hard feelings.

    Try hosting a few events with two families in your place. From what you wrote, it looks like your old friends prefer the new friends in some way. but it could be just your unavailability to attend events. Try not to dig into it too much. When they invite try not to miss any events. Also, try not to discuss about one family with another. But be genuine in whatever you discuss in common. Friendships are all about accepting your friends as they are - we cannot change them into whatever we want them to be. Sometimes, there will be fallouts, because people change.
     
  8. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    How did you meet your friends? Some mutual friend introduced you, right? That's how we all meet people.

    You don't "own" your friends; they are free to socialize with anyone they please. Attempting to control them will backfire on you. Instead, befriend their friends and include them, too.

    If you don't want to share your friends, don't introduce them to anyone.

    Personally, I like introducing friends to groups I think they would enjoy. It's very satisfying when it works out and not as risky as match-making for marriage. :eek: :lol:
    .
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2019
  9. paru123

    paru123 Silver IL'ite

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    There is one lady (A) in our society who has been living here long before me and is friends with many of the other ladies. After I moved in here, she was the first one to befriend me. And later through her I started to know the other ladies.
    A is severely social n friendly and goes out of her way to help people. But I realise now she feels insecure about me. If she sees me having a good rapport with anyone else, she will tell something bad about them. I realised it very late that it was because of her talks that i felt so distanced from a lady for whom I had high regards in the beginning. Same would be happening to other people also. Everyone else would be knowing stuff n I would be the last one to know about anything from her which she does purposely.

    Lessons learnt are to not keep any expectations from her and secondly never judge others based on third person's words.

    Another case is of a friend. A and B are best friends from college. C is B' sister . C's family were present in few get togethers which B hosted, where in A and C's husband hit off well and they started having frequent get togethers all included. But since B is working, she and her family couldn't attend each n every time. Very similar to Op'case. Now A and C families have one or two get togethers every month and B is able to attend only one in four months. The friendship between the ladies has not get effected bcos of this. A and B are still good friends where as A and C's husbands are good friends.
    In Op case, try to be present in all the get togethers as much as possible. If the new friend feels that meetings are getting frequent they will withdraw on their own. You can tell them to inform you about all get togethers and that whenever possible you will surely join them.
     

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