Definitely she is alive.I hope that we will be informed of any such news.Four sisters are in Chennai.One of us try to keep some touch and get informed.When her daughter was away, my sister spoke to me for 5 mts.I tried to convince her.But her logic is different.She refuses to admit that she is being intimidated.When I told her that I want to see her in person, she says,pl don't come.Once in two months if you speak a few lines thro phone, that is more than sufficient.'. On many occasions when I pass through her house I just step in. But I have to return in despair. I have heard of'house-arrest'.Now we have practical experience. Hope some solution will be seen.All problems do come with solutions. jayasala42
Dear jayasala ma'am, Really, so shocking to hear. Why should an old widowed lady have to suffer so much - that too with so many people around! As u rightly say each families position is different, but there can always be a more humanitarian way to care for an elderly, although we may not be satisfied in full. I am detailing the case of my mother who was widowed 14 yrs back after the death of my father. With 2 brothers, one married and the other unmarried and myself as caretakers. My mother, when she was able to cook and look after the house etc, continued in her own marital home along with my unmarried younger brother. This brother although caring, was naturally not available 24 hrs with her and around 3 yrs back met with a serious bike accident at the age of 84, with a broken arm etc for which she suffered for nearly a year although duly cared for by all 3 of us in turns. After this, we realised it is not safe to leave her with the younger brother and admitted her to a pain and relief care centre where she was very well cared for. She recovered completely and my other brother(elder) used to visit her every week end without fail and get her additional fruits , stuff that she required and I would visit her once a month or this brother used to bring her over to my home in bangalore for a short stay of 2 to 3 days each time. She was safe, happy with the arrangement, although I used to feel it would have been ideal if I could have been able to keep herr with me, which she was not w illing, and knew that my husband also being senior, would feel it is extra burden on him. I just kept praying to god that she should not have to suffer any more pain by being bedridden etc. She was hale and hearty managing her affairs by herself in the home too. I am still in mourning for her. She passed away on the 30th of January after she fell from her bed in her sleep and went into coma for just a few hours. We reached her in just a few hours , but by that time she was declared by the doctors to be brain dead with only heart functioning. We however insisted on trying ventilator for a day in the hospital and then finally told after around 24 hrs that she had suffered cardiac arrest. It was a shocking end, but i feel from her point of view god has heard our prayers and taken her away without too much suffering. I am listing out all this, so that caretakers would think from all angles and do what is humanitarian towards their dependent elders. ( I forgot to mention that my other brother (elder) lost his wife to cancer some 7 yrs back and hence could not keep her with him)
Each of the details mentioned here are an eye opener and is resonating the point that there is no ideal solution and each family needs to adapt what best suits them. Them here according to me is the children and parents alone period. The decision to look after parents and what is convenient for them in terms of monetary and non-monetary arrangements should be mutually discussed and decided among the parents and children. In case of a girl’s parents, she should not leave this decision to her in laws who in most of the cases, would consider their convenience on top of all. As earlier said, like how a son is responsible towards her parents daughters are equally responsible too. My parents have two daughters and we are very clear on taking care of our parents. With modern facilities of electric furnaces, I am sure we don’t have to beg any Son in laws to do the rituals.
In one of the interview of Dharmendra he said that when he was young his father used to wait for him and wanted to spend time with him. But he was always busy with his work and could not understand his father's need. And now when he himself is old he feel same for his kids and now they do not have time to spend with him. A person spends all his life fulfilling his responsibilities and after completion of everything he just become useless for all. And if he is unhealthy then it adds on to his uselessness. Once there were some videos shown on TV which were made secretly of few dil and mils. There was an old lady sleeping on a cot in a very small room. Her dil came with food and slapped her hard. She fell down of the cot and dil gave her another slap. And in another video dil was using abusive words for her mil. They tried to talk to them and made them realised their mistake but who knows if they made any change in real life or not. Some want to live alone some want privacy and some cannot take the responsibility. No one want to understand how much struggle one must had done before entering this stage. By being at young age I myself cannot understand much. But this post made me realise many things and I feel delighted of starting this thread. I never wanted any interference from my mil and felt bad about it. Many ups and downs were there but many things were there who helped us to adjust. Both of us worked hard towards this and she worked more on it than me. Ours was not a much critical case as I can see here. I feel that humanity should exist in all humans. It will not make the issues more worse.
This is really sad. Keeping someone locked is an offence. If the other children want,they can inform the police and women helpline and rescue her even if she denies abuse. Sometimes people have to just do the needful I am sure these silent children would not stay silent if someone took their child away and kept the child locked up.The other children have as much right and duty towards their mother. She would have been better off investing in a retirement home . I hope the son is somehow able to take her away to his place. You can threaten the greedy daughter with police action if she doesn't let you meet your sister.
Dear Joylokhi,Thank you for your sharing your experiences. Your mother was fortunate to be taken care of by her children either personally or through some Palliative care home.God has given her a peaceful end. Now my sister,though not very healthy, is able to look to her needs.There are more sensitive, emotional ,ego centric issues than health issues.We have never seen such helpless situations in our family.My mother who was bed ridden for 9 long years due to paralysis was looked after by all of us in turns.There was no dearth of care,though my mother had a meagre pension of Rs400/p.m.She breathed her last in 1986. I do not know whether the entire blame lies with the daughter or my sister too seems to be 60% responsible for the happenings.I had discussions with all of them individually and tried my best to arrive at a compromise. Everyone who made such attempts were insulted by the girl.We had to admit our failure. In this case no one has won and the harm continues.Though there are legal remedies, it will only aggravate the situation. Let us see what is in store. jayasala 42
Dear Yellow Mango, We have tried this once.The officer in-charge of the police station relied more on my sister and chided us for taking family affairs into the police station and behave like slum dwellers in spite of being educated.Thank you for your concerns. Jayasala 42
@jayasala42 mam This is so sad. But, I would't blame this cruel DD alone here. Along with her, all her siblings, including that NRI DD is at fault here. Leaving an old parent at a "house arrest" condition is very cruel. I believe, if there is a will, there is a way. Why can't these other children break into their mother's house to inspect what is going on? Why can't they spend some of their valuable time in overseeing their mother's well being? If need arises, why can't they take her from that terrible house to their homes, so that she gets a new life? At least they could have sent her to some old age homes, instead of abusing her like this. But, we need to accept the fact that there are cruel beings in this earth too. There are mothers who dump their children in garbage bins and toilets to die. There are children who house arrest their parents, and abuse them. In such extreme cases, I believe children homes/orphanages and elders home/retirement homes are the best choices than living with family. But not everyone is this bad. There are plenty of reasonable parents and children who are made of love and affection, though there are different shades of them. Cheeniya sir This is the most wise and practical advice for this matter. Thanks for putting it nicely Children, particularly the DILs and SNILs feel uncomfortable when their old parents /in laws start to control their life by traditions, religion and other social factors. It is suffocating when someone else tries to live your entire life. Basically, in joint families, these elders come across as the "heads"of the family, and be the decision makers. This often create troubles between the youngsters, who believe they are adult enough to rule their own life and family. That's how deviations starts, and the elders feel disrespected, and neglected as they age. But if these elders could live by what and how their children wants, things would be much easier. In my society, this is what I mostly see. Of course it is not easy for all the elders to step down from a ruler/head role to a subordinate role in a family. That too being a subordinate to your children who were brought up by you is not easy. More than that, it takes loads of maturity to listen to your DIL and SNIL by accepting the fact that they know better than you by now. But these are possible if you believe and accept your children's capacity to lead a happy life. Unless and until you think that your children are in trouble, there is no need to walk into their life, and make it messy in the name of supports. It has to be a smooth transition, just like how children transit from being kids to teens to adults. The progress can never be smooth. But it is possible. Again, I believe, if there is a will, there is a way. Both party needs to patiently handle this progress, for a smooth end.
