We all have to be old one day if we do not die young. No one want to die young as everyone has some responsibilities and also want to live with various reasons too. These days a trend of sending old parent to old age home is becoming common. The old parent feel love for their children and want to live with them but for children what made them take that decision they only know. And if they are totally happy or a guilt remain in them also known to them only. WhatsApp these days shows many stories of parent who cry and wait for their kids but the kids never come back. There was also a case in news where a mother called her son to come and meet her and son didn't called back for 1.5 years. And when he reached his home after that long time he found the skeleton of his mother. The people who heard this news felt pity of that old lady and must have said many abuses to that guy. The people living with their parent after marriage have tough time settling their relationship. There is always a tussle between dil mil sil fil and the boy is always blamed by all to listen to the other person. No one want to leave their ego do not feel comfortable want privacy all the time and just remain irritated. There are good cases too where everyone live together with love and give space to each other understand each other. In earlier times the people when become old used to leave all their responsibilities and either go for tirath or sanyas or something of the kind that can keep them separated from this moh and maaya. We never heard of any such tussle in any of our historical society. They used to transfer the knowledge to young and just left everything to them. I may not know more facts about all these issues but saying all this with a question in my mind. The growing gap between the generations? Who is responsible for that? The older one who still want to remain indulged in all the day to day activities and want to feel happy and fulfilled with all the resources that they have. Or the younger ones who are trying to learn and also to handle the expectations of their elders. Not everyone can take sanyas and go for tirath but they can at least leave the important decisions to young generation and stay separated. Although both want to live together happily but being from different background are not able to adjust to all the issues.
The question is difficult to answer. This is happening mostly in eastern countries like India. In the west, parents don't expect to live with children , but still children help support them form far in whatever way possible. But in India parents and sometimes children too want to stay with their parents.There are many aspects of it:- Tirath:-We cannot expect elders to go for tirath in their age, as it is harsh and not possible. But what elders can do is take philosophical sanyas. That means stay in the house, but try to stay away from petty things of the world and concentrate on higher things like meditation, spirituality, try to be neutral and wise, don't do partiality etc If elders be this way, their children will also appreciate their presence and wisdom in the house. Instead elders are using the old age as a weapon to inflict injustice on DIL, which is wrong. Gender:-Other aspect is elders behave selfishly, they want to stay with and be possessive of their son, but not allow DIL to visit or give any importance to her parents.If elders want to earn respect they must behave impartially and lovingly, else they will be despised by the younger generation if they try to exploit.I don't believe in old age home is always the solution. But DILs also have right to stay with and serve their own parents. If the in-laws don't allow DIL to care for her parents(usually the case), then she will also have no motivation to take care of inlaws. Nuclear:-Thirdly, old age care is required in advanced stages- what is the need for parents to stay with newly married couple when they are hale hearty and independent. It is pure possesiveness and control, not love. No one will abandon the needy parents when the time comes, but don't invade the couple's life unecessarily before time. Wait for some years to live together when you need physical help . Independence :-Youngster have to live their own life. Elders can advice but don't try to control the youngsters' life. Elders are not understanding the requirements of new generation and trying to thrust their age old views which the new generation cannot handle as they already have too many challenges of their own. That's why today's DILs are so stressed out handling everything on their own plus elders' expectations. Today's generation couple have to handle lot of things and it is their privacy, romance and freedom which helps them to sail through the challenges, If that is only destroyed then the family will crumble. Elders must learn to give space. Greed:- Many elders have habit of treating son like ATM. First they invest everything in son, and then wait when he will grow up and start giving return on investment, at the cost of his own health, his married life and children's future.They also directly/indirectly harass the DIL for dowry/salary etc thus spoiling the new couple's life completely. Elders should let go of greed and try to become contended. Then that will be the true tirath yatra.
We did not hear of the tussles because there was very little media coverage those days. There were enough atrocities and exploitation happening then too. There were abuses on both sides. The widows of vrindavan are not a new thing. A few years back I had read about a tradition of drowning very old parents when they were completely bed ridden . Bride burning and female killing is also a tradition that has been going on for centuries. Even in the olden days ,very often it was one son and dil who took over the responsibility of old parents while rest of the siblings looked the other way. Some siblings used to kill for money in older times too. Parents used to kill children for honor in olden times too. Drunk fathers used to hit wife and children and drunk adult children also used to hit old parents in the same society. So all these stories of the good old days when everything was alright are not always true. We are the same society. Things have changed very little . It s just that media coverage is more. All these cases were an exception to the general population even earlier and all these cases of abandonment and burning are an exception even now.
By historical society I meant the time of Ramayana Mahabharata when old people mostly used to take sanyas.
Who took sanyas? If kunti had taken sanyas Draupadi would not have to marry five spineless mommas boys. .Even in those ' good ' times the mil's ego was so big that she could not accept that she spoke something wrong so it was okay for her sons not to follow her order .Madam ' s words were most important even if dil had to suffer. How was that any different?Where is the tyag of moh maya ....it was all a big ego trip .All about controlling the sons. If king Dashrath and his queens had taken sanyas ,then Lord Ram would not have to go to vanwas. King Dashraths spoilt materialistic youngest queen was responsible for the misery . Where is the tyag of moh maya by the elders? It was all about the child having to fulfil parents unfair expectations . This forum is full of all this . Sab badi badi batein hain. I have been on this forum since 2013 . I have seen everyone here...Ram ,Sita,kekeyi,pandavs,draupadis,kuntis ,laxmans,bharats ,karans. You name it and you will find similar stories here in the relationship forum . Duniya woh he hai.....
@yellowmango... superb i never thought about this or have read anywhere about this particular angle to the story So the old people who ever supposed to show wisdom from experiences, spend time on prayers and charity ( as per the stages of life in that era) wanted to control the lives of their sons and in this way set some of the worst examples for treating DILs in the soceity Sita and Drapudi... Kudos to your analysis. If Ram’s family were courageous to take a stand for right, then even in the later stage Sita would not have gone to jungle to spend the rest of her life. Similar case of Draupadi, everywhere ego outshined righteous.
Imagine if the Draupadi cheerharan had happened now..it would be breaking news for a whole month and the pandavs would be in jail for betting their wife off. They would be forever maligned . Our history was pretty kind to men's wrongdoing .
it is such circle...that has no one standard fits all solution. earlier the mortality age was lesser. take the case of someone i know, the person is 60, and is still taking care of his mother who is 95 and has married son all living together. it is so hard to balance. imagine the 60 yr old man having to live his life adter his mother passes away and at what age. and already they would be felt as speed breakers by their kids. so the mil will wait for her turn to enjoy life. and all the pent uo frustation would be like a time bomb ticking to happen. it used to be said that what happens at home even the walls should not know, now we have media broadcasting every bit. every atrocities and bad that is happening has been happening before too only that media highlights spotlights these to keep the common man engrossed while he is losing his basic rights.. i have adult children and i am very clear that i want to live my life and let my kids live their lives and i always have this thought that my kids would start a thread my mom is so indifferent to our needs and does not baby sit my kids.. lolz been/ still the dutiful dil takes a lot out of you even when you have understanding spouses. imagine when it is not the case. being the dutiful parent until they find their footing, once done they have to make their own mistakes and live through it. find a good hobby, help if asked, advice only if asked and keep the analysis and judgments to self maybe a starting point. it is easy to discuss, dissect and argue but it is a tight rope walk. these are the days when daughters find it hard to live with their own parents and we expect the dil to do the seva aree mewa na sahi thodi dua dedethe to maybe the dils will continue doing that little they do in the name of humanity.
I just have a problem with the phrase ' these days' ...like all this is something new. People have been leaving old widows in Vrindavan for ages. Again those people were exceptions just like the people who leave old parents in old age homes against their wishes. It is not like suddenly people have become uncaring. A certain % age of humans have always been uncaring ...whether to old parents or children or daughter in laws. What we are seeing more and probably will see more is people opting for old age homes themselves or in consultations with their children .This is a change that is happening due to changing work opportunities for the younger generation . Most times it has nothing to do with one or the other party being uncaring. As long as there is choice and consent ,it is fine. In our country ,old age homes are seen as prisons or places of abandonment. Sometimes it is just the most viable choice of living.
