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Nuclear Family Back To Late-start Joint-family

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by startinganew, Oct 9, 2019.

  1. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    We do not know the details of what they were thinking for their own pros, cons. The men didn't want to be told what/when/how/why etc... by child/child-in-law, and preferred their own house. They both died and left their women behind.

    One set were USA medicare eligible -- and retired in America. The widow lived only 3 years longer, in the same home. She had friends to go to lunches, walks, movies, chat, and play cards. There were organized group exercises.

    One set retired in India (2nd tier city, and son/DIL lived in the same city). The widow moved to Singapore (daughter's flat, grandchildren were in college, but day-scholars), and lived out the rest of her life. They had plenty of relatives in town.

    Caution: Unregistered (with social welfare department of the local government) private retirement homes in India have been involved in scandals of mistreatment of their clients, and shortchanging services, and facilities. One must exercise due diligence, as well as have a reasonably close relative of the retirees living nearby for updates on the wellbeing of the retirees, no matter which country.

    Women have to prepare to live longer at the very end of life. Early preparation would help a lot. It is not at all helpful for girls to ignore (& depend on husband for) money management for the family.
     
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  2. startinganew

    startinganew Gold IL'ite

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    Taking the moral high ground. :)

    This discussion I was hoping for was - how will the dynamics be in such a late-start joint family? I know of many people who are planning to do this - but do not know of anyone who is actually doing it yet - hence my query to learn of IL's personal experiences or what they have come to see or what they foresee as the issues or what has worked well for them?

    But this discussion is not about what is the right thing to do - the right thing to do depends on a large number of factors that will depend on each families circumstances.
     
  3. startinganew

    startinganew Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you for the details. It is interesting to see and learn from how things play out in different families.

    That sure is a pleasant way to spend one's retired days. Hope she was happy with it too.

    So lesson? when you settle in a "new-world", make sure you do it with a bunch of your kith-and-kin - so the support system it gives yourself and your family through the years. Just saying this lightly - but I do know some folks who do this very systematically - I guess with the long term in mind.


    Both - very good reminders for all.
     
  4. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    What do your parents and PILs want to do? They have a choice and an opinion right? Mine are very clear. Both don't want to leave India. I don't want to move back.
    I feel it is really a hard decision for aged parents to move countries to live in a completely new place, isolated from friends and family and adjust to a totally different environment. Especially if the parent has recently lost a partner. I'd rather they live in a place they were born and brought up, with siblings in the neighborhood. Just my take on things.

    I agree with this. It's hard for aged parents to move countries and have to live in a separate living quarters without feeling hurt. Especially if the parent has recently lost a partner. I used to think this was a good option but it's so isolating in this country that people can get depressed. I agree each person has a different relationship with respective parents and PILs but it isn't good to separate them when they are at a low point. This probably will work out great if the parents were living in the US in a different state and are now moving closer to kid to get closer to family.
     
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  5. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    • Get lucky, and have a short invalid phase of life.
    • Have money.
    • Live in familiar grounds as long as possible. Don't move to foreign in old age.
    • Friends better than family.
    • Use the internet, exercise the brain, and delay dementia.
     
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  6. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    I have seen a few friends and neighbors who have had parents move in with them. Most seem to be managing OK. A short list below of important steps they took that made/makes the arrangement more pleasant. Not all friends took all the steps!
    - two storey house. upstairs is unsaid off-limits for the older parent(s) who anyway find it hard to use the stairs.
    - both husband and wife (middle generation) are easy-going about money. cost of old parents' care is immaterial. They are also rich enough, so that helps.
    - older parents in some families are wise enough to not interfere when the inevitable arguments happen between grandchildren and middle generation.
    - older generation acknowledges and respects the fact they are living with son/daughter and his/her spouse in a house that belongs to son/daughter and their spouse.
    - older parents moved in when it was convenient for the middle generation. they did not postpone too much, did not drag their feet on the medical checkup etc. and did not push to move in too soon either.
    - bonding happens between grandchildren and grandparents if grandparents do not make comments on their accent, looks, dressing, eating, way of walking, friends... It is so heart-warming to see the grandfather and grandson watching Avengers or Thor on DVD.

    Can add more to the list.. maybe later.
     
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  7. startinganew

    startinganew Gold IL'ite

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    You hit the bulls-eye. The kind of pointers I was yearning for - to ponder about. Thank you @Rihana
     
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  8. startinganew

    startinganew Gold IL'ite

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    Absolutely, we don't plan on coercing anyone to do anything they don't want to do. We'll cross the bridge when we get there. This thread is just me thinking aloud - given a number of recent discussions in IL.
     
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  9. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Welcome. : ) There usually is more from where these come from. : ) Some more that come to mind, mostly based on my friends' experiences. Some have her parents, and some have his staying with them for good now in the U.S. No one I know have both parents staying in the same house with them. The points are suggestions for the older couple moving in or for the son/daughter to figure out how to get such points across.

    - woman's parents: Get over the "this is my daughter's house, drinking water here is taboo for me" mentality. When your son-in-law himself doesn't believe in that nonsense, don't tire everyone by following it yourself. Don't delay the inevitable move till one of you suffers a stroke or something.

    - man's parents: Get over the "DIL should forget her parents, and do seva only to us."

    - inviting out-of-town people over: once you have moved in with your daughter/son, especially abroad, remember that guests staying over means a lot of work. Be considerate.

    - don't gossip: living with your daughter or son and his family, you will come to know about many of their daily issues, struggles, plans, etc. Don't gossip about these to your other child(ren) and relatives.

    - weekday evenings are prime time: if your son or daughter is busy helping teen child with a project, or college app, or busy with something important, do not disturb with your questions that can wait. A frozen iPad or unresponsive remote is not urgent. Also, try to retire to bed early some times.

    - TV: Simple: don't insist on watching Gemini TV, Gemini Comedy, Sun TV ... 24x7 in the living room without headphones.

    - recounting decades old family issues: Physical seva is easier to do than having to talk talk talk. Do not expect your DIL or son-in-law to listen to your long talks about your relatives.

    - your travel to/from India after GC: Travel to India is expensive and as you get older, you need someone to accompany you. Be considerate in how often you expect to travel to India after moving in with son/daughter for good.

    - if son-in-law or DIL is going to India: This is important. Do not insist on going with them once you detect even the slightest reluctance. Do not pile on. For example: if your DIL is going solo to visit her parents, it means she goes straight to her city, spends all the time with her parents, and comes back. If you insist on going along, she has to make sure there is sufficient gap between flights for wheel-chair transfer, has to take a transit room, has to take you to your city in India, unlock the house, set things up, spend a few days with you, and only then go to her parents' city. Being responsible for you during international travel is a huge task. You are getting to live with your son for the rest of your life. Don't spoil the few days or weeks she is taking to be with her parents.

    - gay/lesbian grandchild: Your grandchild's sexual orientation is a matter that is very private to your grandchild and his/her parents. Absolutely stay out of this topic.

    - regular stuff: be prepared to eat food cooked the previous day. will be hard but try to be ok with pre-cooked non-veg food for the grandchild.

    - appreciate little things your DIL or son-in-law do for you: make it a point to casually mention these to others.

    - give some thought to your property and other assets. How do you plan to distribute them. When would be good for you to distribute them. As you grow older, how can you start to use some of those assets for your bigger expenses?

    - alone at home: sometimes your son or daughter and family will need to go out of town, leaving you alone at home for a day or a weekend or even a week. Cooperate with the arrangements they make.

    @startinganew it became a chapter book. Leaving as is. Most things can be sorted out with frank communication. In fact, a once-a-month talk on what is working and what is not could help fix things before they escalate. Taking idea from the American Nanny thread. : )
     
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2019
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  10. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    I like this post of Rihana, so much so that I had nominated this for the Finest post in Oct 2019.
    However,
    if your male-child is American born, or even living in America "permanently" with a view to become naturalized, having parents (, and worse-yet a MOTHER) move in to live with him should not be considered lightly.

    "He's still living with his parents/MOTHER" is worse than anything you can imagine -- I can imagine a lot, but my own Finest Post nomination requires me not to get carried away..... in expressions on the IL. I feel totally gagged.

    (When I am old, which I doubt would ever happen,) I would move in with my daughter (and her family). Since an apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, she'd have a family wherein everyone would've been totally under her control for years, and whatever she says would've been the LAW long before I come in.
     
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2019
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