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Not sure where to post but VENT!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by showmemiss, Nov 13, 2014.

  1. showmemiss

    showmemiss New IL'ite

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    I don't know really where to write this but marriage brought me here! I have been living in the states for over 10 years now and never really took to the life here. For 9 years I lived in a small town in Midwest where we had 40 Indians in total and almost life was next to nothing. The past year it is a vibrant city life but I feel I have seen it all - small town big city.. And US life has been hard to digest. I studied here, worked too but life felt pale. I cant drive very well. I hate the chores. I am terrible at the us style of making friends. I hate the closed door lifestyle.. I am a housewife with a kid and ny heart goes out to my daughter as she has no playmates and the play date thing is very tedious as most of you would admit. I am a misfit. I am an anxious terrified driver. I hardly go on highways. You can tell if you cant drive, you cant live here since public transportation is pathetic. I feel like I have a lot within me but it never blooms here. I go inside and inside. I always had an analogy - the plants and trees don't grow eveywhere.. Only certain plants thrive in certain conditions and animals are like that too.. Nature is like that.. Humans shouldn't be any different. I feel maybe I am better off elsewhere but my husband just is my opposite. He is a american patriot. I get that there are many things going great here but really they are not on my wanted list. I love our quintessential indian lifestyle.. I love the autos and steet vendors and the easy approach to relationships(friends) the haggling and the plethora of services at disposal.. I dont fancy DIY.. But my husband thinks there is no way I can be the way I am and the women here surely aren't like me. Am I really alone in this? I mean 10 years is a long time to know where I really am and the word here would be - anxious, nervous and misfit to this culture. I hesitate to even open my mouth.. Please tell me I am not crazy.. And what do I do to tell my husband that there are people who are probably better off elsewhere
     
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  2. vairamak

    vairamak Junior IL'ite

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    Donot worry... Not every person would fit in the american culture. Count me on to your list. Yes.... Though I am a stay at home in India.... I was not able to stay in the american culture. I felt it to be deserted every where there. I do felt there was no liveliness there.... Could not stay for quite long time and came back to India. Though not in day to day touch with relatives or friends here ...still I felt Indian life to be lively. You are right...Not all plants / animals live in all places.... They have their own lifestyle.... We humans are more inclined towards our preference.

    The life we live is short and hence, we have to make it sweet. Its in our hands. We need to decide our priority / preference...Tell your hubby that its individual's way of seeing life. Not all humans think / feel alike. Every one has their own thoughts....
     
  3. garimagoyal

    garimagoyal Senior IL'ite

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    I felt same like you. Stayed for more than 3 years in US (studying, working). Never got the feeling that I belonged there. Like India more and feel full of life here. Its a matter of personal preference.

    Unfortunately my job requires frequent long term travel and DH also prefers life outside of India. I always feel dull abroad however.
     
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  4. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    ohh dear
    Life in india has its own difficulties too.Is it possible to move where indians are plenty?
    Hows much your h is understanding and supportive of your problems?
     
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  5. coolwinds

    coolwinds Platinum IL'ite

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    no, you are not crazy. however, your DH does not want to move back, that limits your options. i think, for colored people, inclusion is a mirage that works only under optimal conditions. the current atmosphere is deeply polarized with some race issues coming into focus. it's very much there, and only takes a flash point to show the underlying tensions and hostility. maybe you want to talk to your DH and gauge how he feels about relocating to his homeland.
     
  6. Daisy

    Daisy New IL'ite

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    Your post struck a chord with me showmemiss..I always felt things are superficial here and have been here for 12 years. Some people like it here and some don't. I get really emotional during festival times. Don't worry you are not alone and lets just go through this one day at a time.

    Hopefully we will move to India soon and have a vibrant life.

    P.S I know India comes with its own set of challenges but somehow feels home :wave:
     
  7. perfundo

    perfundo Silver IL'ite

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    showmemiss, you stole my words. your "the plants and trees don't grow eveywhere.." line stuck a chord with me.

    You know, I thought I'm the only soul on earth who never ever wanted to apply for GC or PR elsewhere, even when I had the chance to or my bosses wanted me to. all who heard of my unwillingness for PR or GC were aghast and tried to, what they thought drive sense into my head, they still do.

    USA is a nation where the people with most unhealthy eating habit reside. I've had endless discussion on this with my peers at office, all Americans agree that their eating habits wreck havoc on their body. It's a country where people start the day with Coke,Dr Pepper, people drink ice water even when it snows outside, they pop a pill for simplest of ailments that could be cured with some rest. It's a country where hormone filled diary products affect the health of adolescents quite early in life.

    Few days back on Quora, I came across this one question "what is one thing about USA that can never be forgotten". a European guy had written an answer, which was upvoted few thousands times. He wrote there explaining the superficiality in American's behavior, he cited numerous real examples, until then I assumed myself to be a mean person to think of the culture of pleasantries as superficial. Initially, I didn't think it to be superficial, but after spending sometime here, my perception built seeing things day in and day out.

    This is one subject I'm endlessly piqued about, how economic development changes the relations between the people in the long term. How economic development changes the Family system of a country, thinking of younger generations, psychology of societies, food habits and nutrition intake of the country, the health and education systems and finally the art and entertainment. There was a time when I thought American type of capitalism is the best model of development, but I've now come to believe it is not or say it's not necessarily the best.

    I can list a bunch of good reasons why USA is better, but I can list equal number of good reasons why India is better. Probably it's unfair to compare and decide which is best. I'm only antsy about that bunch of desis, who behave as if they are more american than the americans themselves and berate India.

    The "misfit" conundrum has left me thinking many nights staring at the ceiling, I still think. I'm sure I will never have an answer. but of late, I have started to believe, it is not about being misfit as we think, I don't hate the place, I connect with it really well. I've great friends, but just that I need to go back where I began.

    The dialogue from movie Swadesh has stuck with me "
    Apne hi paani mein pighal jaana barf ka muqaddar hota hai" Meaning, "to melt in its own water is the destiny of ice" It might sound a bit hyped, but on a certain level emotions and and the being of humans no more rests on logic.

    I know, I'm all over the place :) it is just mirror to my thoughts in my head. :) I hope, when I'm old and bald, I will be able to write something more coherent about this subject. :)

    PS: I greatly admire USA as country for what it has achieved in short the time. It is today the most powerful country and I acknowledge that and I mean no disrespect.
     
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  8. Akanksha1982

    Akanksha1982 IL Hall of Fame

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    I have been in states for nearly 10 years. I do love India and miss it at times. However, i wouldn't want to go back to India or even out of the area i am in. Some of the things I like about states are really good.
    1. Safety. I can walk late night or even in dark (it becomes dark early during winter) without any fear. All parks/theme parks are well built and properly maintained.
    2. Natural beauty. We go on hiking most of the weekends with friends. It is really fun to see the views. Twice a year we go on vacation at various places and it is both convenient (take the car and drive) or fly and then rent a car to most places.
    3. Restrooms. Every where one goes, one can find a restroom.
    4. Water fountain. Most places will have a water fountain. I remember in europe, we had to buy water everywhere.
    5. Affordability. Dollar goes a long way. One can live a reasonably good life style with the money here.
    6. Clothes. People don't judge you by the clothes.
    7. Respect. At work place, even being a woman, you are equally respected. No one uses condescending language or treats you smaller.
    8. Good People. I have forgot my phones at various places and have always got it back. I can wear heavy jewelry without fear.
    9. No show off. there is no show off at work place or in neighborhood. In our neighborhood, we have people richer than us and not so good as us, yet we all celebrate together, help out each other, go out on camping etc. Some of the neighbor's kids go to private school, some to public but there is nothing big/small about it.
    10. Handymen. The thing i like is that the handymen shows up at the time he/she promises. Not like in India when he doesn't even show up.

    All these outweighs the love i have for india - good food, eating on road, monsoon, festivals, noise, neighbors, society, relatives, friends, etc.

    I think you should move to the bay area or San diego where the weather is warmer and many many indians. one has to search to find caucasians.
     
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  9. DKI

    DKI Platinum IL'ite

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    I can understand how you feel. I was a person who never wanted to be here. But followed my husband because I did not get married to live without him.

    It took me a very long time. Like you, I too lived in a very small town when I first came here. Hardly any Indians. No Indian store either. And I could not even find Indian women of my age group with whom I could relate. All my friends were much older than me, and even though I wished for a set closer to my age, I accepted what I was dealt with and actually enjoyed and learnt a lot from these ladies.

    There is no way to compare the two countries. I have been here for 15 years now. And I fought against getting my US citizenship for so long, and it finally dawned on me that the fighting was getting me nowhere except alienating me from my husband. I realized that my happiness was in my own hands.

    I still miss India, but everytime I visit, I understand why I like this country. Most important is my privacy. What I do or do not do with my life is my business. Maximum my husband and son's. When I am in India, I have all the relatives and neighbors commenting on my lack of a second child (if I have 10 kids -that will be another comment!), and just because I live in the US, does not mean I love India any less. I grew up outside India, yet, everytime I travel as we approach the city to land, my heart starts beating super fast and I get this HUGE smile on my face. I enjoy myself thoroughly, but at the end of the visit, I am happy to get back to my home.

    I too take ages to make friends (completely opposite of what I was like as a kid). I realized that the parks were the best places to meet people. I may not have their phone #s or be in regular contact with them, but while I am there I have somebody to talk to. Start a simple conversation - even the weather (In Chicago, it is VERY easy to discuss the weather). It is winter now, so parks are kind of out of the question. Take your kid to other indoor play places (Chuck e Cheese / Brunswick zone) and you will certainly bump into parents. I too find the "play date" culture difficult. The small town I was in before moving to the city did not have this culture, and the neighborhood kids just met outside and played (just like India - but no Indians involved except my son).

    I know it is difficult, but as I mentioned earlier - your happiness is in your hands. Read happy books, watch happy movies. Or once in a while, when you are alone, sit down and have a good cry. I have done that umpteen number of times, and getting rid of it from my chest would help.

    Stay strong
     
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  10. coolwinds

    coolwinds Platinum IL'ite

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    i think that about sums it up! beautifully said. it is admirable that you have stayed true to your roots and to yourself.:)
     

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