Not sure my husband really loves me

lolly · Dec 14, 2011

SSC said: ↑

IL, cannot tell you, if your H loves you or not!
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Since I'm in this situation I'm very much confused emotionally. May be I dont look things at right perspective... I just asked so someone out there would help me make things clear for me out of their experience

SSC said: ↑

Physical abuse during pregnancy?? That is terrible!
So, domestic violence was not a one-time affair?? Watch out and stay safe (in marriage or not)! Talk to a close friend or your mom about physical abuse!
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My mom knows what has happened so far and is very upset...I dont want to upset her more so came here so some friends in IL could help me

soumyapr · Dec 14, 2011

Lolly I am sorry about your problems.

A man who hits his wife once will keep on doing it forever if no strict action is taken. Please keep your parents well-informed about your situation. You need to build a support group of relatives and friends around you who can help you when you need help.

I will also suggest you to take counselling from some women's support group. Do not take it lightly when your husband hits you the next time. It is a crime and a woman can report it under the domestic violence act 2005. I am not suggesting that you run to police, but be careful, you should not tolerate any further abuse. Even your child will not get a good environment to grow up if this continues.

riyagan · Dec 14, 2011

Dear lolly,

i think ur inlaws (predominantly may be MIL) are poisoning ur hubby's mind ill mouthing about ur parents and you. as there is nothing happened before for ur hubby to dislike you and ur parents its definitely ur pils.. since ur hubby talks supportive of his parents and ditch u its ur inlaws who are the culprits.. he wont allow u to go to ur parents place since ur inlaws hav told him that ur parents are bad and may advise u to separate the family. and thats the very reason why ur hubby hates ur parents.

keep in mind that ur hubby is not at fault. He seems a good guys only. secondly dont fight about anything.. anyway he dont stop u calling ur parents..thats good. there are lot of ways to gain love trust and affection from ur hubby..come on its just 1.5yrs...give some time. it takes atleast five years to get it all from hubbys...depending on the type. dont lose hope.. make him the food he likes...surprise gifts.. how he is behaving with the child? you should let him have the kid for some time and play with it...tell the stories ur kid do when he wasnt there.. you should find ways to get his love though it grows with time.

SSC · Dec 14, 2011

lolly said: ↑

Since I'm in this situation I'm very much confused emotionally. May be I dont look things at right perspective... I just asked so someone out there would help me make things clear for me out of their experience
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Well, if you ask me, here is the answer - If someone really loves me, he will never resort to physical abuse, whatsoever be the case!

lolly said: ↑

My mom knows what has happened so far and is very upset...I dont want to upset her more so came here so some friends in IL could help me
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Well, lolly, what does that tell you? Someone who loves you is upset about physical abuse being meted out to you. Never put up with DV! As long as you endure it, it will continue... Your H hitting you during your pregnancy was the worst! It sounds barbaric to me to raise your hand on the woman who is carrying your child! Please take some help from the women's protection cell for DV.

I'm sorry, I do not have any advise on how to make your marriage work! My advise would be to take care of yourself and your child, and be safe! Your safety is very important for your child's welfare. Keep that in mind!

Priya16 · Dec 14, 2011

For time being don't worry that your husband loves you or not.

First handle the abuse.Next time he raises hand warn him that you would compliant in women cell.

You might have raised your mom taking beatings or he might have raised seeing his mom beaten by his father.So he thinks that's what is our culture is and you would think it's ok.

But you got stop this otherwise your kids will grow up watching this and they will continue same pattern.Don't scare about it.For him marriage is also important and just for you .

Looks like he is very insecure person so you should able to handle his abuse very easily if you wanted to do.

Then later slowly work on your rights.

lolly · Dec 16, 2011

Hi all,

Thank you all for your inputs.

I'm not passive and accept whatever my husbands says or hits me. I talk back and he gets more frustrated and then only he hits me. So I stay calm when he is angry and when he is in good mood I speak of my difficulties or expectations he gets frustrated again and asks me to go to my mom's home. He says "this is all I can do..stay here if you wish otherwise go to your mom's home"

He does not wish to provide me the basic necessities..both of us work and I'm asking to change home( the current one is small and difficult to manage with kid ) he is not ready to do. He keeps postponing.

But he wants me to work all stuff managing time smartly, wants me to appear bright always. How come he be so selfish in his needs alone?

This is the area where I wish he could change a bit and dont know how to proceed.

He wants me to obey him like a kid to his parent and dont want me to give any suggestions.

I stay with him for the sake of my kid. I dont want him to grow up as a fatherless child. He is affectionate with the kid though sometimes shouts when he gets cranks and cries a lot.

When he cries at midnight he wants me to get out of room and stay in hall until he sleeps back. Gets frustrated and starts shouting at me at these time.

I will try and work smartly by managing time effectively and will keep the talks about my parents home minimal.What else I need to do to make our relationship work with less quarrel and more love?. I want him to do things to make me happy and comfortable as I try things to make him happy( I wear his favorite dress, try to cook best food etc ). Hope this is a justified expectation of every wife from her husband.

ProudIndian · Dec 16, 2011

Dear OP

I am sorry for your situation. Is it possible to save your income completely or part of it in your child's name? Tell you dh your want to collect large amount for your child's school donation or something. Make it a recurring deposit or Fixed deposit. In few months or 1 year's time you will have enough to rent another place. Just focus on saving right now and when you have enough saving move out of current place. You need to build strength in yourself now. Many men are lazy to change or initiate in any financial investments. Now women should only take initiatives and show husbands they are not dependant on dh any more. GL

lolly · Dec 17, 2011

@proudinndian - yes I was thinking of investing a part of my income for my kid. I need to discuss with my husband but he is more interested in investments in share rather than at bank. I need to convince him.

Also I would like to add that my husband, before he hit me for the first time and my kid was born, he was very lovable.

MIL will create problems that he said me this, he behaved like that( thinking I'm the reason ) and would cry the whole day creating a tense atmosphere at home.

But now he never says his mother a word and tolerates even if she cooks bad( earlier plates would fly if food is bad ). I would say( also beg) at each and every chance dont behave to your mom like this.

Now my hubby behaves like that to me and good to his mom. But I dont make it a big scene at home crying all day. I just voice my consent.

So how to earn back his trust and make him love me as before?

ProudIndian · Dec 18, 2011

Dear Lolly

Sorry to be blunt but your husband doesn't deserve your trust, love, compassion. He abuse you to please his mother. Its time for you to open your eyes and become selfish. Take a firm stand and save all your money for your future and your kids future. Just put it in fixed deposit, tell your dh its for your kids school donation, school etc. You do all your chores quietly without expecting appreciation from anybody. GL

tashidelek2002 · Dec 18, 2011

No, your husband does not love you. You two have a sick co-dependent abusive relationship. You have typical abused wife thinking, he has typical abuser thinking. You feed off each other around and around and around and around. You shout out to others (like IL) periodically to blow off steam and then jump right back into it. This will go on for years and years because you will never go get your thinking to normal. Your kid will quite probably get all your messed up thinking and all your husband's messed up thinking and when he gets older he will hammer his wife also. You will adjust to anything because you are so brainwashed into thinking that is what you should do that you will never consider anything else.