Not knowing what to do.Please Help or suggest and sorry for the long mail

Wondergirl137 · Apr 6, 2013

Hi OP,
Please don't waste any more time on your (so called!) husband. Why is that you want to go back to him? What for? Its good to be optimistic but its foolish to be the always the only one trying to work out a relationship. He is not even concerned about whether is works or not...he seriously is not or else he would have put some effort. He is just manipulating you and putting all the blame on you. I don't know what exactly to say about such people. They are in real so unhappy with themselves and can never be happy with anyone (be it you or anybody else). He will always be like this,neither you nor anybody else can change him.
I have strong believe in the institution for marriage but sometimes you have to do what you have to..cz life is so much more important than just a relationship/marriage. 30 years down the line...would you not regret not living life in a decent way? Remember we are common people...we cant be goddesses.

You have to be very very strong and take your life into control. Have you started working? If not, start right away. If getting job will take time...then find some kids and start teaching etc. It will bring a lot of difference into your life...trust my words....I have been through this. When I rejoined my work...I used to literally cry....I would not want to go to work...even at work I would often get into "sad and brooding" mode. Slowly it all went away.....the appreciation at work...the responsibility and more than that my work gave me the life i was leading before my marriage...the same responsible and independent girl i used to be. I started looking forward to work days...started dressed better than before....I did not try anything for it...it happened on its own with time.
Did you not survive before marriage? Then why this dependence in an almost dead relationship for your survival. Why?
I would suggest..first get strong and independent. In the mental state you are in right now....you are not string enough to fight any case...criminal or civil or whatever. First get a job...bring your life into main-stream....then automatically that power to decide things for you will come into you. That would be the best time and this dilemma that you are facing right now will vanish.
Good luck and smile

lovelybird · Apr 6, 2013

even i thought of filing case only when i get into a job and i will be on my own...but problem is now my husband is leaving country in couple of weeks with his PR of another country and would not return for atleast 3 yrs...without deciding anything...he just says he cant be with me since i havent changed...thats it...he said he is ready for mutual divorce...
but when we asked for compensation kind of thing or the marriage expenses...during mutual divorce talks...he quoted a very very minimal amount almost like throwing some peanuts for me..We went and asked our common relative and asked him to mediate and settle...but due to his he got angry that we have gone to some third party and is thinking that we went with an intention to mailgn him...he asked to do whatever i want and he is not going to give more than that...initially before we went to relatives house for help..he called and said that he is thinking of another chance again...but since we went to third party and tried to malign him...he wants to fight it in court...
I mean for some or the other reason he blames me only...says he has given enough chances for me ..whatever i have done ...its almost very common in any marriage...any wife would say such things...complain or nag...but for that i need to face all this...always he corners me and blames me and says everything has happened becaus of me..so i am not knowing if i am really at fault...am i really that stupid wife that he is not able to adjust with me...i mean whenever i ask him about marriage he says as if he has given chance to me and behaves as if he has done some favour to me...for few months before our fight ...we were almost talking..and i felt he has changed but again his aggressiveness is the same and he is the same when situation is bad...my friends have left suggesting me on anything....even i am fed up of saying the same story from past 1 yr..the things which are holding me back are his personality,may be i can try my career options going with him wherever he is...same time i like him even ...i might look foolish saying about personality...becaus somewhere in my heart i feel we both look good together and he has got good personality ..he is good as he is...seeing him as some outside person...i might have some crush on him...but as a husband he is showing hell to me...to person he like he ll show heaven but if he doesnt like someone he ll show hell...and unfortuantely he has some problem with rite from the mariage...initially my weight...and things strt from there ...i always feel he is not able to forget his ex girlfriend and ended up admiring her a lot...and he feels i dont match her in anyway...i feel that should be the reason...and he is not interested in married life even...
please suggest me on this options...
i am not working...i have to search for a job...my us visa expired...i am not sure of the options of applying for extension...
my husband is leaving in days time to another country just saying it didnt work again ...past few months we were constantly in touch almost i felt we ll reunite...then again since i pointed him something he brought everything back as before...
my dvocate suggested me to give a notice to ask him to take me..from tht legal notice he ll definitely file for divorce or chances are also there tht he might not consider the notice at all....
so if i want to get things settled ,nd should stop him from leaving...i should file criminal case...
or else if i cant go thru all this i should take the peanut amount from him and should leave him for good...

mentally i am not ready for any of these options...but i had to opt one since my parents feel things should be settled only when he is there and if at all he leaves...it would be even more difficult to send notices to him since he ll be outside India...i am going thru very rough phase from past few days and not knowing anythings and just showing my frustration on my mother...

pm86 · Apr 7, 2013

lovelybird
Since you already waited for long, I think its better to leave him because even though you compromise and stay with him you cannot be happy. There will be always be issues. If there is no love (seems he doesnot love you) the issues become big and lead to fights which cannot be solved.
Become independent, find a job and concentrate on your life, you will find happiness in that, then you donot care for anyone.
I am wondering why did not you find a job yet. It keeps you busy.
Go for mutual divorce and leave this matter, money is secondary and you can earn at any time. If they are not ready to give money, then leave it. You cannot wait for 3 years and ruin your life.

soulful · Apr 7, 2013

Have you read the book "the Secret" by Rhonda Byrne? I would strongly recommend you read it. It says "whatever you concentrate n the most, will come to you again and again. Now if you concentrate on the good, like you got your visa, you are happy etc.. that will happen. but if you think, my husband is torturing me, I am unhappy, i need him to be happy... that unhappiness will repeat again and again in your life.understand where you are going wrong in your attitude,

I would say read it. you will be glad that you did. GoodLuck dear, have faith. you will surely come out strong

Wondergirl137 · Apr 7, 2013

I dont know what to say...all i can say is that try to divert your mind from all this for sometime.....and that is why i suggested doing some voluntary work. I would also suggest you to see some counsellor or therapist. You are going through a lot and you need heavy doses of self-esteem. That man has destroyed your self-esteem. What good is his looks if he is such a terrible person. Dont waste your time anymore. He knows how much you want this relationship and he is taking undue advantae. Stop showing that you would do anything to save this relationship. Do you really want to go to this insensitive abuser? Is this why your parents brought.you up and cared for you so well? How pained they must be with your situation and tomorrow if you go to this man and in his agressiveness something happens to you....how would your parents feel? You take your time to heal yourself and decide only when you feel confident enough to take a fair decesion.

lovelybird · Apr 8, 2013

things were changing so fast in my life...its been 4 yrs in my marriage....hardly i was with him only for 2 yrs am not knowing which way to go....until few days talks were going on for mutual divorce...though i said i want a divorce mutually...i felt i was not following my intuition...even when talks were going on ...i felt i ll ask him finally again and messaged him...he said based on that message he thought being with me again and was thinking abt it..we thought of filing criminal case first since he is leaving without telling anything for me...but then again we backed off thinking that mutual divorce is fine with whatever he gives and money is not the criteria...initially i used to feel atleast my parents should get their money back,but now even i backed off....i called him and wanted to talk to him over the final thing..i just want to hear his no again to make myself strong......but to my surprise he said he is thinking of being with me after seeing my message...one weak moment i messaged him how can he be so harsh to me and doing all this for stupid reasons possible....thats it i didnt even asked thim to reconcile his decision even in my message.....i was totally confused with his statement and thought of meeting him in person...we met and he talked so softly and gently with me,tried to explain me certain things ...he said he opted for divorce not because he doesnt love me but since each others attitude is different and its better to leave at this point....and how can i file a criminal case on him ...also he said that he is not that rich to give money and all....he said that is what he can give and nothing more than that....and also since other option for him is if at all reunion is what i want...he is ready for it even....he said he ll take me with no conditions as such.....i am really confused and worried about my future....one day we ll think of divorce...one day he says something different again...i m notknowing whether to go to him or should leave him...i am getting mad with thinking so much...again i dont have time to postpone even because he leaves in few days...either mutual divorce or since he said that if at all i want to be with him...he is okay with it even...i am not knowing how to trust him...is he saying just beacuse he needs to go through all this ...alimony ...criminal case...or wahtever...or is he genuinely proposing a solution and is ready to be with me...i am worried...how can i know it...sometimes i feel its better to let go him than to hang on...sometimes i feel i should somehow make this work...my mother is so worried that if i ll end up taking a decision to be with him again....my father is kind of okay but am really worried...how to think at this point of time ...

OliveOyl · Apr 8, 2013

He is suchhh a manipulative person!! Why are you not able to see through him? Leave him! And get on with your life. He is not worth the trouble you are going through. Please remember - his life is also pretty screwed up right now, if you think about it.

I would suggest file for the divorce, mutual -forget the criminal case and all that, have a dignified release from him and move on.

Such things cannot become alright and things will suddenly not become rosy in 2 months. It takes a long time be prepared and work through it each day as it comes.

SSSGupta · Apr 11, 2013

for so long evrybody is saying..... leave him leave hm leave him.... But perheps you love him very much or u think u ll not be able to live/survive without him... but beleive me dear... nothng will happen. You will be just fine... I am again saying leave him leave him and leave him ...

confidentsameer · Apr 28, 2013

ye si do agree on what you said

lovelybird · Apr 29, 2013

my husband has come up with some things and is saying since i love him so much...he doesnt want to lose me and also he ll adjust with me no matter how i am...he said if at all i change then life would be best ...if at all i dont change even then he ll provide better life but it cant be best....
i mean what all words i want to hear from him from long time...i heard them finally...but somehow my heart is not wanting him now....somehow i decided to talk to him forgetting everything that has happened.
We were talking on daily basis with each other....sometime i feel he is changing for good but then again i get a strong feeling that he is seeing his own life just keeping me parallely...i mean he is concentrating on his career...spending time with his parents friends and all but he is not feeling like spending any time with me...just we talk everyday...either he calls me or i call him...thats it...there is nothing more...he says he is prepared to adjust with me....i mean i am fearing if i am going back into the same mode with him again....i am wondering if i am taking myself back as the same lonely depressed wife...or am i stressful and not thinking about him in the right way....i mean i get angry whenever i see he doesnt have any priority for me...he talks about everything but he never says about spending some time with me...he leaves to his country soon ...atleast these days he is not that interested...sometimes i feel if he has tht so called love all this will not happen...i feel i dont deserve a person who doesnt love me...he is okay with me doing job and all ...i mean is he really changed or is he safeguarding anything like his citizenship and all...i dont know....i am not knowing if i am thinking over positively and again giving chance to marriage or am i thinking really negative and still creating more doubts on him though he is changed a bit....i just dont want to lose him if he is changed....i mean this is what i wanted from many years...but now when it has happened...i am not happy also i am wondering about his sudden change...things from mutual divorce talks....and all again came back to normal scenario...before all this happened talks were happening on mutual divorce and he quoted some minimal amount and said he cant give more than that....then again he came with proposal that he wanted to be with me...all these days we were talking...i observed he is not pinpointing issues as he did before...though i reacted emotionally sometimes...he is not getting angry or atleast trying to divert the topic...i mean i can see a change but not able to trust him...he is good but he is not feeling like spending any time with me..i mean when he wanted to close everything and wanted to be with me...he should feel like spending some time with me right before leaving...i mean we just talk and nothing more...sometimes he talks about how loyal he is to me and all...but never feels like doing anything for me...i can see clearly that he is in far best position compared to me...he hasnt abided anything with me...he has his own plans and i am a separate part...i feel like after everything in his life comes my number...please help me in thinking the right way....
please help me..