Not knowing what to do.Please Help or suggest and sorry for the long mail

lovelybird · Sep 14, 2012

Hi everyone,

I have joined this site recently but was following this site past few months.
I need a suggestion on my situation.
I am 28 yr old female.
I am going through a very rough phase in my life right now.I was married more than 3 yrs back.Now me and my husband we were living separately for more than 10 months now.I am not knowing whether to be with him or leave him.He says he wants a divorce but isnt filing.Meanwhile he is moving on with his career plans keeping me on hold.We chat once in a time ..but it ends up with arguments and as another fight.Whenever we chat he says he isnt interested anymore,its better we separate now rather than living in hell..he says that doesnt have that much love for me to be together again...in case i want him i should accept all my mistakes(though i dont think i have committed any)...and i should make all the effort impressgin him .
He has problem with me right from the marriage coz his parents has forced him to marry when he doesnt want to marry.From then he has problems with my structure personality.I mean i havent found a guy in my life before marriage who rejected me or commented on my looks.There are many number of guys who proposed me but i thought i should marry someone of my parents choice and now i am suffering it.He has a problem with whatever i do.Sometimes i dont even know that for such reason also people get angry.I have come from a happy family...my parents are very compatible with each other...i am used to such things and not able to digest my husband's and inlaws behaviour.For them wife is ...wife should be active...should do all the things..serve husband and inlaws...should talk sweetly...shouldnt expect anything in return...should not talk to parents or share any information about my family to my parents etc etc...
Problem i face with my husband is he is very aggressive.He cant control his anger.If at all anything happens from myside...he boils up himself and lastly he ends up using abusive language and beats me up .I have told him not to physically abuse me,but even then he says i shouldnt have irritated him so much so he bet me...i mean he doesnt abuse me everytime but yes until now he abused me 3-4 times...even that i am not able to digest...never in my life i thought i ll be beaten up by my husband.He doesnt even feel sorry says i am the reason for his anger...This is one problem i face with him.Next is whatever decisions he make he consults his mother everytime...i mean why cant he think independantly....and she gives advices keeping her interests in mind.Amother should always guide her son properly but i dont understand why my mil behaves so insecurely.She is not happy with her husband so she is completely dependable on her son.i mean she says all negative things about me.whatever his mom says he feels its absolutely right and he is distancing himself from me.IN my marriage debacle my mil has got a 50 percent share.I am not feeling like seeing her in my life again.But until now i am maintaining that i dont want to divorce him but I dont know i fear about my future a lot.I cant see a good future with or without him.I am really worried if i can stay alone and be strong after divorcing him also i dont want to divorce him just for the sake of mil's politics.He has very much trust issues with me.whenever he gets any doubt on me he tries to find it out about me.I mean i hate this quality about him.i feel i need my own space.All the time i dont talk to him i feel i miss him and may be i am making a mistake by thinking negatively but the moment i have a conversation with him i feel he is not worth it and he ll never ever change.whatever i complain he also complains the same about me.Atleast one percent also he doesnt feel he has done a mistake in our relation.For him marriage is something like a dark day which he dont want to remember,everytime he says he is disappointed.
I have resigned my job after marrying him .Now i need to find a job again which has become difficult since i am not able to concentrate and there is gap in my career and i am not technically that sound.I am really worried if i can live by my own.I fear guys taking advantage of my situation and i trust people easily.I am worried if in case i take divorce will i get someone better since i am already 28 now and it may take some time for settling things either positively or negatively...also i feel if i have to marry someone very much older and have to adjust with him if its a second marriage...rather than that its better to somehow to adjust with the current one..i like him ...i want him to change and be with me but thats not happening.He nags about every small issue..Sometimes we get fights due to our issues ..some are due to issues created by my mil.she is very selfish and tells all negative things about my parents and me ..i feel she is doing this only coz she feels insecure..whatever be the reason she is spoiling my life and her son's too...even my husband is a puppet in her hands..I dont know how my future ll be with such people.I mean he doesnt share any of the financial things with me...any imp decisions...nothing he shares with me...whenever i confront him on it he says i share eveyrhing with my parents and thats the reason he is not telling my anything....constantly tells me to reduce my weight...i mean i am a few kgs overweight...even at time of maariage he knows it...he married me with the feeling that i might reduce but i didnt..so he is disappointed...i mean each and everything is an issue.

I am having mixed feelings about every aspect in my life and rite now everyone is advicing me to only get a jobimmediately and live on myown ...but i am not able to ..something is holding me back from going to a job...may be my confidence levels are low.I am not knowing whether i may make a mistake by taking a wrong decision at this point....How is life after divorce..or is it worth trying to be with him...coz he ll never change constantly nags abt everything...he does good whenver he is in good moood with me and that happens rarely...for my i have many expectations from my life partner and i just cant adjust as if i dont have any..
Please suggest me how to take a decision...which is good for me.

flowerlady · Sep 17, 2012

Life after a divorce is not easy but if you feel you cannot stay in the relationship then its different.
MIL problems are nothing new, trying to change DH is also impossible.But you can bring positive changes in yourself to achieve happiness.
Make an effort to boost your self confidence, lose weight to look good.
Also have a frank talk with DH and tell him that his negative remarks hurt you .
It appears that you do not have a job, what are your plans if you do try trial separation or divorce?
Bring in some changes in yourself, join a gym, make friends, get a job, improve your education , give yourself 6 months -1 year to take any major decision.
It should not be like acting in haste and repenting later.

Better not have any expectations from anyone!

SGBV · Sep 17, 2012

Just thought of replying, although I am not an expert. It is entirely up to you to take it or leave my advice.

I had gone through a near divorce experience because of my in laws, and i know how it pains.

At this stage, you should start living/rather changing your life style to make him see the real you.

Work hard to get a job, and have some savings for your future. Join in a gym, and workout as much as you can., That not only makes you beautiful, but also helps you come out of this psychological stress.

Try to have some close friends, and engage your time always with some works, studies, gyming and socializing. So, that you won't have too much free time to feel bad about your broken life and knock his chat window to hear his comments. rather commands for you.

Tell him frankly that if there is anything wrong from your side, you will consider a better change next time, but also he should think of changing his life style for you. There needs two to tango, so just a change in yourself does not make any miracles in your marriage.
Frankly tell him that if he is not interested in you, then better he stays away from your life... So, that you can plan and live your life at least without any problems.

As for in laws problems, you frankly tell him that what is acceptable and what not... After a mutual convincing only you guys should think of reunification, else life will be another mess with compromises only from your side.

yearning · Sep 17, 2012

Hi lovely bird

I feel so much for you.... you are going through a troubled patch right now...
But bad times, like good times, never last.

I know it can get very daunting to face the world alone. i have also had thoughts about leaving my husband lately.
JMO, the decision whether or not to stay with your husband should not come out of the fact that you are dependent upon him in anyway. That would always be a weakness for you. It should come from the fact whether a relationship can be built or not. So the better way would be to be independent first and then reach a decision. Probably this is not the right time to decide.

In my opinion, a husband should NEVER NEVER beat the wife. And again in my opinion, that kind of behaviour does not improve with any amount of love/facilities you give him.

Once you get independent you can weigh your options and who knows maybe you meet someone better.

As SGBV said " Work hard to get a job, and have some savings for your future. Join in a gym, and workout as much as you can., That not only makes you beautiful, but also helps you come out of this psychological stress." That is one wonderful advice.

Please try to pick yourself up and go out in the open. You have the advantage that you were working before marriage and it is not all that new for you.

"I fear guys taking advantage of my situation and i trust people easily": unless we do not go out, we do not learn. You will be amazed at how strong you are once you go out.

A job would not only give you confidence now, but everytime you face crossroads.

Best of luck. Looking forward to hear good things from you.

agayathree · Sep 17, 2012

Dear Lovely bird,
I feel that you getting bad treatment from your husband will undermine your confidence and shatter your selfesteem. Please try to lose weight,take care of yourself,be independent and that will definitely improve your relationship and he will realise his mistakes. Wishing you all the best. May god grant you strength and courage to get all these done. Recite Sammohana krishna stothram and Sundarakandam @ home with milk as neivedhyam

falgunid18 · Sep 18, 2012

Dear.. Hugs to you...I completely understand how you feel. Been there and seen it all.....

10 months of seperation and your DH doesnt even bother to reconcile or see you. On top of it, he physically abused you when you guys were together. Anything is acceptable but physical abuse. You are not currently working, but living away from him. Still he is being so cunning. Wonder why God created these kind of jerks.

Lovelybird... why do you want to stay in this relation? coz you love DH or coz you fear of being alone after divorce or coz you dont want to go thru re-mrg. Do your parents know about this?

If you want to stay in this mrg coz you fear divorce and its after effects, then its better you become strong soon and call this marriage off. if you love him and want to stay with him (even though he has physically abused you), then forget about MIL and her deeds and concetrate on how to get your DH back. MIL's are meant to be like that. They will try their best to break your mrg and ruin your happiness. But you can deal with her later once you are on track with your DH.

Take a pen and paper.. and note down pro's and con's of your mrg and DH (Leave MIL for timebeing). See whats best for you.

You are just 28 and have a very good life ahead. Think wise. There will be many GOOD men out there who can make your life much better than even what you deserve.

I recently went thru a near divorce exp. with my H and almost same situtaion. There was no physical or verbal abuse between us. But even we had seperation and DH was thinking of divorce coz of MIL. Whenever you have time you can go thru my threads. All ladies from IL have given EXCELLENT advices due to which I was able to reconcile back with my DH and it made me more strong, helped me make my decision and become mature.

Hope it will help you too in whatever decision you make.
1st Thread: Finally my DH left me
2nd Thread: DH thinking of divorce.

Also, whenever you feel like, just come here and vent. All IL's will make sure to give their best solutions to you and help you lead a better life.

Good Luck to you dear!!

Take care

Falguni D

P.S: Most of IL's visit "Married Life" forum thread more than this forum thread. So it would be advisable to post your query there next time.

MaritalBliss · Sep 18, 2012

It's v difficult for your husband to change. Happiness should come from oneself, do not depend on others to make u happy. You are only 28, u have a whole life ahead of u. Respect yourself and do not let others abuse you. Take care.

flowerlady · Sep 18, 2012

Dear OP,
If you want to continue your marriage at all costs then better patch up as staying separately for x time is a ground for divorce.
How come you have not been able to pick up the pieces of your life even after so many months?
It seems that DH is not going to bend down and apologise .
Better get a job pronto, develop self confidence, read self help books by Shiv Khera etc.

lovelybird · Sep 18, 2012

Thanks to all for your replies..
I am having a problem deciding whether to be with him or not.
Sometimes i feel i want him ,sometimes i feel i cant handle him and his anger and things ll repeat again.He is very emotional and for every argument he says he doesnt want to be with me...i mean i am not able to take such things from him....I am very much worried about my future with him.Until now without any kids and responsibilities ,life is like hell...when there ll be kids and all everything should go within their interest...i fear if i can do all the things that i want to my kids or to myself in future...This can be my negative thinking.
If i dont go back to him ...i have to start life again ..get a job...slim myself...again searching for guys and i really dont think i have that much luck to get a good person in my life again..All in my past i rejected people who loved me but now i am not getting one in my life .
There were good times only when he is in good mood or when he thinks he wants to do something for me..
If i be with him i have to accept his parents who ll not leave him at any cost...His parents need a person whotakes care well of them ...spends lots of money on their desires and that person is my husband..I know hoe my mil turns things selfishly but she is very smart,i know she is the main person behind my failed marriage...though i am able to forgive my husband i am not able to withstand thoughts about her.
All these months i was thinking he would change atleast a bit may be the separation would have made him realize a single percent but no even until now he says there is no mistake from his side and only i have to change.Problem with him is he doesnt share any of the financial things nor any decisions about the family.He discusses only with his mother and then does according to her decision.I mean seeing this i feel my husband is like a puppet in my mil's hands.He might accept me now if i say to him that everything happened only coz of me and my stupid thinking so i should say i ll not repeat such tihings again in future and should behave in the same way...BUt i am not able to say all those things coz i havent done any wrong in my relation..i always wanted him to be caring aprt from that i didnt expect anything from him ,i just used to keep it to myself...out of 100 his role would be 90 percent but still he blames me for everything...his parents also support him .I dont know what i have to change in me..there are many other guys who like me very much but i dont know why my husband has problem with whatever i do....He looks modern but is very conventional type in thinking...I like him but i cant take his stupid thoughts.I keep calm all the time but when he continuously blames me for nothing even i reply back some point and then he takes advantage of the situation.
This is how i am struggling with my thoughts.
I am not kowing his intentions...whether he wants me or he wants me if i have changed or whats exactly is in his mind he is not letting out clearly.Everytime i ask him he dwells on past issues and says thats what is stopping him from being with me...most of the time he says we cant be together coz nothing coincides between us neither our thoughts nor our interests,so its better we get separated now.Whatever be the reason he hasnt filed for a divorce until now.Recently he was having some health problem ..i dont if this problem has stopped him from filing or not...but i fear if i go back i have to suffer with all his temparament issues as well should take care of his health problem..i am worried about my future...i am not the kind of woman to leave hi mjust coz he has got some problem but i am worried if i am taking a wrong decision in life going back to him again coz i have no trust in him ...same time i feel i should think positive and should somehow be successful in reviving my marriage.
All are saying this is high time and i should decide something.But i am really worried.I dont know if ll coomit some mistake by taking a wrong decision.

ars · Sep 18, 2012

Forget the wife beating abuser for now.
Think about how you can get a job.
Call your previous employer, get in touch with your work associates, call freinds who are working. Put the word out that you are looking. Start applying to every advertisement you see.
Once you get the job. than think of all the thoughts that are going in your head right now.