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Not Interested In Having Child!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Hana2018, Apr 4, 2018.

  1. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap IL Hall of Fame

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    This is your life and live it on your terms.

    Felt sorry to read about your non-existent childhood. Perhaps your bitter memories are stopping you from wanting to go through a cycle of parenthood. Parenthood is a thankless job of sacrifices and more sacrifices. Actual pleasure is very limited. This is a fact. Beyond this, many couple experience void a few years after marriage or they may have a strong wish to procreate for themselves or the society. Very few people wish to have kids to experience the parenthood where one gets immense satisfaction of raising a kid into its adulthood. Such people fulfill their wish by natural procreation or adoption. Irrespective of your choices be very clear about what you want and make the best of your life. Old thinking is/was that one had to have children, specifically a male child as a part of dharma, old age security or having an heir to your property. Now we are developing a thinking where we don't want to live with in-laws, we don't even expect children to care for parents in future due to geographical distances separating parents and children. With this changing scenario, having kids for future security is ruled out.

    If you don't have the urge to reproduce or be a parent, don't do it for the society. Plan your life well and ensure to enjoy every day without regrets. I know a couple who have chosen not to have kids and their family has accepted their decision. You may firmly inform your elders about your decision without any ambiguity, but don't get into a discussion. Avoid being drawn into emotional blackmail. You can be curt with nosy relatives and friends; you don't owe any explanations to them.
     
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  2. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, they do have a point isnt it? What if you change your mind later?
    There are options like freezing eggs and sperm. Look into it. Pay and store for "later" if you want to conceive later.

    And girl, no one will be there for mid-night feedings and diaper changes! its just going to be you. Dont do it if you dont want a baby but certainly looking into freezing eggs/sperm.
     
  3. Sangeeta85

    Sangeeta85 Gold IL'ite

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    Sorry dear u had a bad childhood..
    Now u have a good life and u can give a good happy and wonderful life for the kid too.. I don't say have soon but sometime in line..
    U will feel empty later in life for sure ..
    This is a blessing dear think hard before u say no for ever..
     
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  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op....hugs to you dear. You missed out a childhood and possibly got burnt out being a mother to your siblings. It is really sad.

    Regarding a child.....if you don't not want one just because you don't have the urge...then it is a different issue.

    But don't let the baggage of your bad childhood decide the issue for either you or your husband .

    Are you sure your husband also does not want one or he is being a loving and caring husband?

    Having a child has some emotional and physical benefits for a woman's body too besides having emotional benefits for the man .

    Don't close your option indefinetely and like @Rakhii mentioned, freeze your eggs and sperms if you ever revisit the decision .It will give you more time to think .

    Have you tried getting some therapy to get over your childhood trauma?
    That might help you . You can take a balanced decision then.

    As for the people asking questions .....don't give a damn. It is your life and only you both get to decide.
     
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  5. dnormx01

    dnormx01 Gold IL'ite

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    Sorry for everything you went through in your childhood.

    Are you sure your husband doesn’t want kids? Is he just agreeing to what you say to make you feel good? I feel you need to clearly discuss with him too about what he wants coz that’s most important, more than what the society or family expect from you.

    Another thing is if in the future you or your husband will regret not having a child, you will have no one to blame except yourself. Maybe it’s a repercussion of what has happened in the past but do you think you should suffer for it your whole life? You really don’t deserve to.

    As for taking care of kids, all that is going to be easy on you if you are emotionally and mentally at peace, with no regrets or guilt for the decisions you take. Same thing when you don’t want kids.

    But for that you should clearly understand whether your husband is genuinely on the same page as you.

    Please talk to him about it and take a decision which is good for both of you.

    Best wishes
     
  6. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    There is a lot of emotional baggage since childhood...but pls do not miss out on a happy family life due to this..I have 2 suggestions, I.e first of all freezing the eggs and sperm ..and second, to consult a good counsellor...you need to move past the childhood , and learn to enjoy what you have now...learn to feel confident and happy as an individual and as a couple..once you move past the past trauma, you will get a clearer perspective and can decide for sure if u want to concieve or not..everyone goes through that uncertainty when they feel unprepared for parenthood, reasons are different..but your husbands point of view also matters so have a frank discussion with him, is he just supporting you during difficult times or does he also genuinely feel happy without kids? If both of u are completely sure then stick to your decision and don't care what others think.
     
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  7. sbonigala

    sbonigala Platinum IL'ite

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    Respect.
     
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  8. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Thank you :beer-toast1:
     
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  9. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    Knowing that your reasons for rejecting motherhood is from childhood trauma, I would advise you to go through counseling for the emotional damage that you have experienced. The fact that you still fear waking up and being scolded for not caring for your relative's children, only confirms how damaging your childhood has been. Please try to find the help you need to let go of those feelings.

    If you still don't want to have children after that, then I think it is very valid to feel like that. There is no obligation for you to procreate for society's expectations. If you and your husband are truly content with your lifestyle, then live it with no guilt or fear that you would one day regret that decision. There are people who did have children, and whatever the circumstances (education, marriage, career, etc), they feel distanced or disconnected from them in their old age. Children are not a guarantee for happiness and contentment.

    There are social drawbacks for being childless. For one, you might not have the highly developed social circle that most couples with children have. Without children, your friends of similar age would have less in common with you, which might not be problematic, but you won't experience the same life changes as your peers. This might make life lonely for both you and your spouse. On the flip side, without children, you are able to enjoy your youth with minimal financial and physical burden. Any goals that you might have to rise in your career, help in society (social work, volunteering), travel and explore, can be prioritized. The daily grind might not wear on the companionship of loving spouses. Afterall, you can prioritize each other and completely support each other's goals.

    You don't have to explain your actions to anyone. If you feel like people are overbearing and overly concerned about your childless state, they might only express this if they think you really don't want to have children. If you were struggling with conceiving, people try not to bring up the topic or end up trying to give your solace about the benefits about not having children. So what I am getting at, is don't advertise that you have no plans for children, if that is what you decide to do. Your life would be far more peaceful if you didn't even bring up the topic.
     
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  10. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    I think I can understand your situation well .. I dint have feel loved and nurtured as a child and thats probably the reason why I never had that instinct or need to have a child..Also I wanted to do a lot of things which I could not have done if I had gone down the motherhood route. When I got married I was certain I dint want a child for atleast many more years.. My conviction was so strong that I would have been devastated if I got pregnant by accident. My marriage turned out to be dysfunctional so I became childfree by circumstance as well as choice.

    I am in mid thirties now and there are very less chances that I will ever have a biological child... I am still 99 percent ok with that , the one percent doubt is because its no longer a choice. Its like this episode in how I met your mother, strikes very close to my heart. I have largely turned a deaf ear to hints and comments about having a child , to be honest, I live abroad and don't get too much of that anyways. I believe that being childfree in a happy relationship can be a happy and fulfilling life .

    Ya you might lose connection with few friends , family events might feel suffocating , and you might face insensitive remarks , you might not experience some of the joys that come with having children, but you will have the emotional freedom that a woman with kids can never have . If you are sure of your choice , you will not be affected by what other people say. If you are getting affected, time to introspect whether you are dead sure this is the path you will go in.. Its a road less travelled, you will find very few people can understand your choice, most people just can't relate to it.

     
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