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Not Interested In Having Child!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Hana2018, Apr 4, 2018.

  1. Hana2018

    Hana2018 New IL'ite

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    Hi All,
    I am in my 30s and married for 3 years. My big issue is I dono how to tell my family and relatives that we are not interested in having kids. Having a kid and it's all responsibilities scares me always. I had a very bad childhood. My mother died due to cancer when I was six and my father remarried and neglected us. So me and my siblings raised apart in a relatives house. The day I arrived at my relative's home my responsibilities started like taking care of their kids doing small house chores as I grow my responsibilities increased. It was like a full-time nanny job I felt. Get up early and do the house chores, cooking, make their kids get ready for school, feed them and then rush to my school, and again the same thing in the evening, make them do their home works, school projects and so on. Used to get scoldings and beat for their kids every other mistake. I always felt like I never had a childhood like other. Or might be this just my thinking. If I would have been grown with my parents I would have the same responsibilities or I dono. All these things left a deep scar in mind and having my own child also scares me. Till today I get dreams like still, I am in my relative's place and I missed my daily chores because of that I am getting scoldings and all. I am not able to come out those things. My husband knows all these things and never pressurize for anything and he is supportive to me for all the things till now.

    I am getting so much pressure from my in-laws saying that its already been 3 years you guys married and you are already 30 when you guys will have kids. Till now I used to say that I should get settle down in my job and we should get settle down financially well or I just used to change the topic whenever this topic arises. Now looks like I can't do this anymore.

    Neither I nor my husband is interested in having a child. We are happy as is. When I told my siblings that we are not interested in having a child they asked me does my husband has any problem or do I have any issues in getting conceived. People started speaking in front of us saying we don't have a brain, running behind materialistic things, what you guys will do when you get old, we might have a problem with having a child but not showing it , started treating us like we made big sin. Once I told my husband that people are talking about us like this, my husband told me not to mind about others. People have started telling me that you will regret later for your decision, its already late just have a kid and finish that one work. But I don't want to do it as some work or because of others pressure, I should get that feeling and I should be mentally prepared to take that responsibility.


    Please need your suggestions. How should I Strongly tell the family and friends?
     
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  2. Naari

    Naari Platinum IL'ite

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    Tough luck girl. Society and family in general have never learnt to respect others' personal choices and recognize and accept differences in perspectives and choices. If someone doesn't wish to marry, it becomes everyone else's problem, if you don't want a child, people are suddenly worried about your future and your life. The fact of the matter is if any person makes an unconventional choice , ppl have a hard time digesting it (which isn't their prerogative anyway) and get all over their business. I would listen to your husband and develop a thick skin, no point explaining to anyone, neither will they get it and the harassing won't stop anyway. So, leave it alone. Good luck!
     
  3. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    My sincere suggestion is DO NOT let your past scare your future.

    Whatever reasons you guys don't wanna have kids,if you both are very sure about it..stick to your resolve but again you cannot stop the society from talking about it unfortunately.

    get thick skinned and be bold about it as you are strong about your decision.

    Again,in another perspective since you guys are still young,give it another two more years and maybe your priorities might change.Be open minded.

    Many of us are scared to be parents .Some may not voice it out.I was crazy scared and it took 8 years and treatment to get my baby.I realized how happy and meaningful it made my life.I Maybe traditional or conservative in my thoughts but doing all the chores you had listed for my family and kids never made me feel like a doormat or losing my life but I feel complete.However,again it is just me and not everyone feels the same as their priorities are different and that's totally fine too.

    Don't diss anything.Just when you are unsure,give these thoughts a rest and buy some time.Think about kids after a year or more.Either you will be strong in your resolve or you might be asking us questions about being a new mom :)

    Good luck and take care.
     
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  4. happydheivanai

    happydheivanai Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi

    I can understand but past is different ..I feel u r confusing and disturbing ur current life...if u have a baby it will b more wonderful.if u r not having baby sure u will b a example and unnecessary pressure and ur in laws will hurt u ..don’t confuse think positive.

    This what I feel ...
     
  5. dollysonpari

    dollysonpari Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Dear

    Sorry about your past life.. But that pain should hv not only created deep scar but i'm sure it will bring the best out of you and become a wonderful mom.. Don't say that ur scared of responsibilities of taking care of a kid.. U hv already lived a life of mom in ur childhood which u have been forced into such life.. Im my point of view there is no new responsibility to be scared of..

    Its all confusing and very fearing to have a baby but.. Every one you cross in ur life will suggest you just one answer is have a baby..It will change ur life.. U will start loving ur responsibility when its ur own skin n blood ur baby..

    Consider about baby and it will be the right move and it would be the best gift ever u can give ur husband who shows so much love to you.. ur married just for 3 yrs.. if yrs pass by..It will be be too late.. Why im saying you this is my manager is in 60's and they decided not to hv any kids same like you.. but now they keep saying to everyone not to take that wrong move in life .. Be wise and practical.. Emotional decisions might go wrong..
     
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  6. eternalnomad

    eternalnomad Silver IL'ite

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    Dear @Hana2018

    I can totally related to what you're going through because my husband and I are in the same boat as you. We've been married for over 4 years and do not want kids. Neither of us have any parental instincts and were clear from the day we met that we did not want to have kids (we had an arranged marriage). Now, both of us are absolutely 100% sure that we don't want children at all. There's no question in our minds but try telling that to our parents, relatives and friends. It's been an uphill battle to say the least, every man and his dog feels the need to advise us about how we're making the wrong decision and we'll regret it later. We've already told our parents and relatives about this and it was a definite shock to them. There were lots of emotional conversations, anger, emotional blackmail.. you name it, we've gone through it. But I feel the most important thing is that you and your husband put up a united front to the world and deal with everything together. Don't let your folks think that this decision was made by just one of you, because then the other person will get the blame. And let's face it, it's usually the woman who gets blamed when a couple decides to not have kids. Then you'll need to try and talk to your parents and relatives about why you don't want kids and that you're perfectly happy with your lives as they are right now. Let me be blunt, they won't get it.. not the first time or the second time.. but eventually they will begin to accept it once they realise that you're serious. It helps a lot if you're not actually in India where all the aunties keep asking you when you'll have good news to tell them but ultimately you have to be strong-willed enough to deal with whatever they throw at you. Don't let it phase you and you'll be fine. Be there for each other
     
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  7. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    You need to find out if you are not wanting kids for the right reasons. Your unhappy childhood could cloud the real reasons.
    I suggest that both you and your husband go for counselling and make a joint decision that is acceptable to both even in the long run.

    As for the society, only way out is to grow a thick skin, say some answer like "the reasons are personal" showing that you are not open to discussion on this and change the topic. With inlaws, you and your husband should sit with them and explain your intentions without giving reasons. Once they realise that you both have thought this out and the decision is joint, they may give it a rest.

    In tune with the interfering and opinionated society, my suggestion would be to adopt a parent-less orphan much like yourself and give her a loving home.
     
  8. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    About not wanting a child:
    I am a strong believer of don't have a child until unless you really want a child. So would suggest you the same. As I have seen both parents n kids suffer due to this, I wouldn't want that for both parents n kids.
    So never have a child for others, have only for you as this isn't a 1 year project to do for others n get over, it's a life time project, so you are stuck, forever.
    And you are the one who would have to raise the child day in n day out, not these 'others' who pester you. So you have to be ready.

    N when you struggle to raise that child, this same 'others' will ridicule your parenting skills. There's no win here, so don't live for them.

    Unfortunately, our society tries to follow a norm n anything different is not acceptable. So don't think they will get off your back even if you explain your choices.

    If you can get a job out of state or country, it may give you some breather. As years go by, they will get bored, around 10 years it may reduce. I have a close friend in a similar situation.
    Don't try to reason anyone with your past, it may only go bad.

    Count your blessings, you have a very supportive husband who shares the same value, learn his tricks to grow a thicker skin n avoiding tactics. Get his help to handle this situation n grow stronger together. Don't let these aunties n uncles weaken you n him.

    About your childhood:
    it's quite common to do house chores n doing stuff for youngner siblings. The loss of your mom n dad n siblings (not living under the same roof) is definitely a hard part but atleast you were lucky enough to have people who bothered enough to send you to school n gave a safer life.

    I have experienced abuse at the hands of my real parents which has haunted me for years. I forcefully taught myself to accept it n move on, n use that memory to make better choices in my life n lead it positively.

    I know a lot of people who has had a tough, neglected or abusive childhood at their own parents hands, so you are not alone n it most definitely doesn't have to define you esp negatively. Raise above. Self help / counselling helps.
     
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  9. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy Finest Post Winner

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    Not all women have maternal instincts . You have experienced what it is to be a caregiver and it seems like it is something you do not want to experience again. I commend you for that and I think you should stick to your decision if you are not sure.
    The only people that you owe an explanation to are your and the spouses parents. For the rest of the aam janta you can just say you will let them know and end the conversation there. Once you hit 40 they will stop asking and suggesting fertility treatments. They might even discuss in their living rooms how unfortunate you and husband are but who cares.
    You had a stressful childhood , enjoy your adult life.
     
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  10. lavani

    lavani Silver IL'ite

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    this is the perfect answer. all those relatives who want you to have kids, will vanish in thin air when you need help in parenting. they will ignore when you have to work and also pick your kid from school. then drama will start.. we raised our kids without issue why cannot you.

    unless until you want children it is not good. sometimes stress has increased between couples after kids.

    and for god sake, we do not even if we will live tomorrow. please do not worry about when you are 60 years. what will you if your kids leave you and go and settle somewhere else.
     
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