Not In Sync/ Feeling Unappreciated

ATI · Oct 27, 2018

hi friends
It’s been a while since I posted. Changed jobs in the middle, new job had a long commute and that didn’t go well. So recently I ended up finding another job close to home. For the past few months I have been handling my old job, searching and interviewing for the new job, starting new job, managing kids (we have a nanny but I do homework etc with kids and manage them in the evening and most of the weekend), we are doing construction work in the house and I have been managing that whole project and I do all the cooking (nanny helps) / cleaning etc. DH goes to work, travels a bit for work and helps with something eg: he will put my daughter to bed and weekend he will unload the dishwasher because I am taking kids to class. Etc. anyway I am feeling exhausted. One day I asked him to pick up a part for the plumber because it was my first week on the new job and we had a 3 day fight about it. now he is fighting with me that I do stuff for everyone except him. What he really means is I don’t make sex a priority. I don’t feel like having sex. I am too tired and not at all in the mood. I don’t know what to say. Yesterday I suggested we get a babysitter and go out for dinner so we can patch up. Over dinner he made it clear that he only came out because he thought we would have sex after ! So we had another big fight. I feel like we are both so out of sync with each other. Maybe something else is bugging him but he won’t share anything with me- he doesn’t like talking about problems etci don’t know what to do. So tired of life right now. What’s the point in working so hard if I am always unhappy

SinghManisha · Oct 27, 2018

Whatever said and done most indian men are not cut out to be equal partners in marriage or parenting. You can fight all you want but things may or may not change. You will have to find ways to prioritize and reduce chores so that you are not exhausted. Hire more help. Don’t brush aside his need for intimacy. You don’t have to give in every time but make some efforts atleast. I would be worried about him seeking it elsewhere.

DDream · Oct 27, 2018

OP,
You should see the whole issue in a positive way. Your husband is very open about his needs and communicated it to you well. That is what an ideal partner should do instead of searching it anywhere else or finding other ways to satisfy his needs. You should be happy that he considers you as the top priority for this need. Please dont ignore it and try your best to cooperate with him whenever you can. Try at least once in a week if you can.

If his physical needs are met he will help you more. Be very open to him about your problems and exhaustion, and request his help in house hold jobs and managing kids.

I know it's not easy to manage everything and how exhausted you will be by the end of the day. So prioritize your jobs, and do only minimum things on working days. Rest can wait for week end. Stick with a schedule and try to put kids sleep before 9.00. Stop doing everything after that. Then spend atleast half an hour for yourself to relax ( me time). Enjoy something ( book, music, tv or whatever) and this break will help you to recharge for next day. Plan things ahead. Try to be relaxed on weekend , spend more time with husband and this may help you to reach some mood or at least have some energy to cooperate him. You dont have to be physically intimate every day if you dont want it, at least try to touch,hug and kiss or try to spend some quality time with him every day, that may help to revive the spark. But dont neglect his needs. You can consider fixing a particular day as date night , may be that help you to think about it and reach the mental state to cooperate with him.

If you are feeling exhausted even after taking enough rest, make sure you are healthy, not anemic or dont have any thyroid issues. Take care of yourself well.