No support from husband.

Aboli1 · Jan 24, 2012

Hi, I am 28years old and have a 4 years old daughter, I live in US.
I know my MIL and SIL's have told my husband to go for another child
now all expect me to have a baby boy my husband even keep saying
see the chinese's birth calender.I know my daughter need a company
a brother or sister but, when my daughter was born no one was with me
my husband was just 5 days off from his office I was in the kitchen 2 day
after my delivery ,my in laws were with me till 9th month and left me. While
going my MIL filled my husbands head with all bad things about my mother
and did not allowed even her to come, my husband do not understand my pain
and suffering inspite of see me in pain, I had a very tough time so I dont want
another child, my husband is very ill tempred and only listers to his sisters and mother,he keeps comparing me to his siters I am fed up of his sisters and mother,I had lots of health problems which my husband kept underestimating
it took 2 and a half years for me to recover after my delivery.Since my marriage I did not stay for 8 days properly at my native.We go to India every year and I have to be there months together just to take care of his parents and his sisters keeps coming and uninvited anytime and should all for them,In whole I am not less than a servent to them and my husband he wants all perfect even if i die.I dont know what to do I dont want to?

JGVR · Jan 24, 2012

talk to him.tell him firmly that if he wants another child then you will either bring your mom here or go to your mom's place and stay there during and after delivery. also tell him that you cannot be a servant to his parents during and after delivery.see how he reacts and then decide.

julietpeach · Jan 24, 2012

Hello Aboli
Most of the indian men are very very narrow minded. tough they are staying abroad they still cant think beyond mama's and sis eyes. to them wives are only for work and pleasures. thats it. where as rights, luxuries are meant for their families. But until you stand firmly on centain issues like your rights ( like understanding you, treating you as wife, and behaving as a understanding husband)they all will make him dance to their tunes. In most of the families where they think daughters should control their husbands they expect sons should control their wives. so its reverse when it comes to the dil's. Now u have to stand up to make ur points firm . struggle for it. nothing will be achived with peacetalks. go on telling him if he ignores 10 times still tell him the 11th time. but when ever that occasion comes. And mainly tel him that you r not at all involved in determining the gender of a baby. its his chromosomes which will decide the gender of ur baby. but dont listen to the crap he tells abt gal babies. Stand up and fight for ur place.

Aboli1 · Jan 24, 2012

julietpeach said: ↑

Hello Aboli
Most of the indian men are very very narrow minded. tough they are staying abroad they still cant think beyond mama's and sis eyes. to them wives are only for work and pleasures. thats it. where as rights, luxuries are meant for their families. But until you stand firmly on centain issues like your rights ( like understanding you, treating you as wife, and behaving as a understanding husband)they all will make him dance to their tunes. In most of the families where they think daughters should control their husbands they expect sons should control their wives. so its reverse when it comes to the dil's. Now u have to stand up to make ur points firm . struggle for it. nothing will be achived with peacetalks. go on telling him if he ignores 10 times still tell him the 11th time. but when ever that occasion comes. And mainly tel him that you r not at all involved in determining the gender of a baby. its his chromosomes which will decide the gender of ur baby. but dont listen to the crap he tells abt gal babies. Stand up and fight for ur place.
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Thanks a lot for the support, Feel so good that there is someone who understands me,my husband is sometimes like a devil, during my first pregnancy I was 5 months pregnant bcoz of some fights between his mother and me he said me lets abort this child and when I was 8 months he even beat me and said later I wanted to see how my mother reacts as she keeps pointing at you,
life is not easy with him, I cannot talk to my parents freely the speaker should be on always, he keeps finding mistakes in my parents and always support his mother inspite of seeing her faults, her mistakes are always unknowingly done mistakes according to him, its just after my daughters birth I feel atleast I have someone who I can hug and cry my MIL is coming again in Feb for 6 months so he wants me to get pregnant now so that she will not be here during delivery. As it is she is such a lazy, cunning lady, I am so depressed in life its so easy to find flaws in me for them but never say good about me and my parents,sometimes I feel to end up this marriage but he just wants me to keep his status in socity and I am quite is because of my daughter.She is just 4 but she understands my pain,she wipes my tears when I cry.My husband is a phyco if I talk much me can do anything so I am quite.

Aboli1 · Jan 24, 2012

Thanks for replying, he wants his child to be born here at anycoast.I know he will agree if I call my mom this time but I even know that after she comes he is not going to be that good as good he acts to me, I know he hates my mom specially.

Tanusree · Jan 24, 2012

Hi Aboli, I think you and your husband have to come to an understanding before thinking to part in different ways.
Many times we notice that the problem is not between husband and wife but the fight is always the third person, most of the time from in laws and their families.After marraige we not only get adjusted with the partner but a whole new territory comes with it.
It looks like you want to have a kid but for different reasons.Speak or write an email to him explaining your concerns and agony.He needs a baby, he has to agree with your terms.

Aboli1 · Jan 24, 2012

Thanks Tanusree,

If my husband could understand me he would have, inspite of knowing how I am he blindly supports his mother and sisters, they are the biggest pain in my life.He may leave me but not avoide they advices.

Pranjjal · Jan 24, 2012

Aboli1

I feel very sad when I read anything like ur case that in today's 21 century world also women feels so much helpless and goes through humiliation. In your situation you need support from your parents. May be ur MIL is treating u bad as u had a baby girl and ur in laws wants grandson not a granddaughter. This is disgusting. But since u r staying in US why don't you tell ur husband if ever you and ur parents will try to harm me I will call 911. Yes tears don't help woman one need to stand up for themselves. Be strong and wise. Be little aggressive. Tell him that you want ur mom to be here with u for ur delivery or you will go and will stay with ur mom.
In some cases one need to give that 'zatka' so that others persons will come to know woman is not weak.

sabarimathi · Jan 24, 2012

hi aboli,

After all this,ignore his side completely. Treat them as servants. Y'r husband needs to be thrashed - not directly, but cunningly. Let them get the message loud and clear . U're in US -that's a big plus. Next time they harass you, i mean y;r inlaws, call 911 and don't ever repent for it. Muster strenght and do the same to him if he physically abuses u.

By not standing up for y'r self- u're doing 2 mistakes. Bringin up y'r daughter in such a filthy, rotten environment and 2- u're beating her confidence.

They've already did injustice to u. Now show them where they 've to be . But, don't punish y'r husband directly; do it inditectly. Do u think he would sit back happily if u punish y'r inlaws. He would fume inside helplessly. All the best.

SriVidya75 · Jan 24, 2012

one question here is......dont get me wrong!!! but dont you think with the kind of husband you have...1 kid is enough?? sorry I dont want to assess this situation emotionally (as it is you are already emotional..) but practically ...you seem to be dependant on him...and he beats a pregnant lady, threatens abortion...and fights with you about your moms mistakes!!! even after 4+ yrs of marriage?? he has a daughter now....instead of understanding situation, he seems to have not changed till date....and you are ready to have another kid with him?? for the sake of he insisting or his parents n sister insisting??

If he compares you with his sister or someone else...tell him yes...they are what they are!! its their family their situation...their plans...coming to you having a kid....your body has to be ready...your mental n physical status have to be good...to top it, you have no one to support n help you....first time was better as you were alone with a infant...now you will have an infant and a toddler to manage....think about it....moreover toddler will feel more emotional and there will be more tantrums and running around as your daughter may not understand when she is not given time....she may think she is ignored....to top it, your husband doesnt seem to support or help you in that matter or take responsibility...

so think of all these things..and pls girl /boy...these days its the same...if they dont beleive you and keep insisting close your ears....taking this harrasment n pain is much better than having to go through another pregnancy and post partum and managing 2 kids all by yourself. (unless you feel you also need a boy!! this is my suggestion....and what if you have another girl...sorry...just a question....)

have a second baby for the right reason and right time.....when you are confident you can manage....why not tell your husband to wait for couple of more years...you are still young...and your kid will be going to school by that time...so atleast one way your kid will meet other kids at school will have activities etc..so you can concentrate on the infant...this way you can postpone pregnancy too for couple of years...think about it.