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No Depression - Felt Better Writing It Here

Discussion in 'Health Issues' started by Anusha2917, Jan 10, 2019.

  1. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi ladies,

    I'm feeling extremely depressed and emotional.
    I have undergone a gynecological procedure - frozen embryo transfer on 31/12/2018 and tomorrow only I will get my blood results. This is the second time I'm undergoing this procedure . Earlier in August 2018 I had a cycle of IVF with transfer of fresh embryos which was not successful.
    First 1 week after the procedure I felt normal. Then from Sunday I started experiencing period like cramps . I thought my periods wants to start because of heavy harmonal medications the blood is held up inside and it's not starting .
    Again on Monday I felt terrible cramps accompanied by vomiting. Whatever little I ate I vomited.
    Tuesday was somehow normal and did my usual activities including my yoga, walking etc. By Tuesday evening again I was extremely crampy and couldn't take food. I ate little n somehow slept. No vomit and my doctor also prescribed some anti acidity medicines which I took.
    Coming to Wednesday the cramps returned early morning. And I was whining in pain. I ate some rice because I can't take any medicine in Empty stomach. Now I have been totally doing self induced vomiting. Means I am purposely inducing the vomit.
    A little background about my self induced vomiting : Around 4 5 years back I faced some issues in family and I used to self induce n vomit .Initially they thought I had TB and they did all tests. It came out I was normal. Then they did endoscopy, I was hospitalized ,all scan was done everything possible doctors did . Finally the vomiting didn't stop. Doctors refused to keep me saying I don't have any physical ailment and I have some physiological issues and discharged me. The vomiting went for days I lost appetite, lost weight and finally came n stayed with mom in Bangalore and within few days felt okay. This issue took almost 1 year to be cured. Means in 1 years 3 tines I faced this issue and once it came I took 20 25 days to stop vomiting. Then everything fell in place in life. I too came out of it, did lot of positive changes in lifestyle, yoga, exercise etc and never vomited anytime again until this Monday.
    Even in the last 4 years where I was taking various fertility treatments I never stressed nor got depressed. Had so many failure of iui, one ivf failure ,n number of clomid cycles. None stressed me out because I always showed courage n fought through it.
    Now coming to this current situation I'm extremely pressurised and going again n again for self induced vomiting. Mind is full of negativity. I will eat like half a cup of rice. Take medicine n sleep. After I get up I can't keep calm and rush to washroom n remove all that food. I can't stand if I don't vomit . After vomiting I feel relieved for time being and again feel weak ,can't stand or sleep. I dread seeing food. I take little because I need to take medicines . Then again the cycle continues.
    Now I'm getting worried thinking what if I'm pregnant . Am I giving the nutrients required for the baby by vomiting so much. So many thoughts which takes my mind to infinite loop of negativity.
    I'm extremely depressed because of this. Until tomorrow I can't do the blood test. I did 1 home pregnancy test this morning and found a faint line. Again I don't how much I can trust these kits.
    I'm so worried, depressed, emotional and feel so helpless .
    Because my husband is on work in another city I have been staying with my sister n family . My mom has also taken leave from work n staying with me giving food n spending time with me. But I feel very stressed . Million thoughts about this pregnancy ,vomiting everything . My worry is I want to eat healthy but I'm getting into the loop of vomiting .
    I dread that feeling of getting into that vomiting because it takes around 2 3 weeks for me to recover from that.
    Any advice would really help me. TIA
     
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  2. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Gold IL'ite

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    Monday's case was not self induced vomit. It was very natural. I controlled hard because I was .Dreading vomiting and got scared about my previous episode.

    Later on from Wednesday I have started self induced vomiting .
     
  3. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @Anusha2917,

    Your vent clearly speaks about your extreme stress and the wrong habit you have picked up. I can understand the mental condition you are in. Please hold on till the medical report confirms your pregnancy and you may feel less stressed after that. Please consider to see a psychiatrist irrespective of your pregnancy and that doctor's counselling and medication may help you better. Vomitting, whether natural or self induced, is a sign of rejection. Whenever you find your situation overwhelming, you seem to adopt this method to reject/overcome the situation. Hope you are still active in the Positivity thread here. Try to relax by listening to some soothing music or try a bit of guided meditation.:thumbup:

    I join you in your prayers for your safe pregnancy and health. All the best!
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2019
  4. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you very much for your kind reply. . Yes. I'm under immense stress . Even though I never felt like this before this particular time I am feeling very different.
    Music has been my Savior many times. I just keep listening to relaxing music . But now even that music seems like sound. But I shall try again and get back to listening to music. Everything was extremely fine until Tuesday. I did my meditation and visualization, I have been reading a religious text. Suddenly from yesterday I feel to have lost track .
    I have had a earlier session with a psychiatrist and luckily didn't require medicine and got fine with a few sessions of counseling .
    Thank you for your prayers. :)
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2019
    GeetaKashyap likes this.
  5. Anisu

    Anisu Gold IL'ite

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    @Anusha2917 , At this point, you should definitely calm down. You are extremely stressed. Infact i have faced such a situation. When i get stressed, i cant eat anything and vomit.
    Read your positive notes in the positivity threads..and that will definitely give you the strength and fill positivity. All will be well.
     
    Giri12 and Anusha2917 like this.
  6. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you very much for your kind words. Definitely feeling better penning down my thoughts here
     
  7. nandinimithun

    nandinimithun IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @Anusha2917
    A big hugs to you.... Awesome to know that you are seeing a psychiatrist and that you don't need meds. ...
    Hmm, go out in the fresh air for some walks, love yourself and let go of any guilt or untold past you may be keeping within yourself.

    Laugh a lot and recollect all the things that make you smile, no matter how crazy or silly it might be.. .

    Don't go for any self medications and don't google about your self,because according to Google everyone is unwell.. .
    Keep visiting your psychiatrist regularly and am sure you will be out of this situation and will soon be in a wonderful phase.
    Wishing you a healthy, happy, safe and lovely pregnancy time and wishing you loads of happiness and peace. ..
    Another big tight hugs from me
    Love
    Nandu
     
    sindmani, GeetaKashyap and shravs3 like this.
  8. girvani

    girvani Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear @Anusha2917

    Lots of love to you. You are a positive person and you are taking the correct actions.
    Please divert your mind with things you like the most, breath deeply, speak to your dear friends who have gone through the same procedures and believe that all will be well. You can deal with this and you will come out this. I pray for you and lots of love,
    Vani
     
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  9. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear @nandhinimithun,
    As I type this reply to you sitting in a park ,breathing some fresh air I feel good that I haven't got back to my guilt . I felt better reading your reply and getting your hug . Hugs to you too. .yes you are right. I'm trying to recollect all the good things I have faced and had a lengthy conversation with my mom. It was surely very very comforting . Thank you for your kind reply.
    Regards ,
    Anusha
     
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  10. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear @girvani ,
    Thank you dear for your reply. Yes I am very positive and cheerful . I just needed a boost. Some days we go through pain and I want to prove that nothing can hamper my spirits. I can't let that pain win over me. Been feeling much better writing it down here. Thank you very much for your prayers.
    Anusha.
     

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