Newly married & problems i face

punnap · Jan 19, 2012

Hi,

I had got married 1&1/2 month back,after a huge struggle for my parents acceptence,finally it went on well as per my decision.Its a love marraige!

Basically he is nice guy and we love each other a lot,but sometimes we fight like this is an END and it scares me to the death...am more of independent natured.he says he has problem with my attitude and independency....we not only yell at each otheri some time slap him and he will threaten me that he will die with a knife or lizol..i get really scared when he does that.....my problem is am not expressive but i express my anger ,i throw things etc..but in love i cant express,until now we are not physically togehter as am scared.
He is more of understandign and all that but some times we both cant manage our temper. My problem with him are
- I dont like his freind circle( his goes along in his freinds wife's in her car to office ,he only mentioned that she was not of a good character,so i have a problem here he accompaining,not that i dotn trust him but i dont like her and carry my perception) all his friends i some doesnot match upto my wave length.
- there was a incident before marraige when i had over seen his FB message,i found he was little flirty with a girl whom he knows quite recently,she has a crush on my Husband....he shared all our problems and fight and tried to gain her sympathy..i made a big issue out here....later he said sorry and tried explaining him that it was only for some time i discussed( he knows that,i dislike sharign our internal couple problems with any one,who ever it is i consider as third person betwn us)
- Now after marraige,our neighbours we gell well,their daughter(23 yrs-unmarried) was in my house, kitchen when i was not there helping him how to do curd..when i was about to go office and this just iriked me and i made a scene here saying how can u allow her to get into my house ...infact she doensot know any household work but she tried helping my H.
H has a problem saying that i started doubting him, to an extent i also feel that am i geting over hyped by all this and making a scene and am being too over posseeive of him..is it ok..am i tryign to be abnormal? i have seen marraiges breakign down due to this doubting /suspecting nature..i dotn want my life to be like thta..i was never like this....i give that freedom and expect freedom as well....i dont know what happening....can you guys throw some suggestions..

he is a nice guy,with very helping nature(overly some times) understandign and extremely caring..but got huge temper issues ..so even i do...help me pls

blessbabydust · Jan 20, 2012

Be over possessive is not problem but have a trust on your husband for that iam not telling that his flirt nature is okay to agree ... you need some control over him to only a lil level if you take over his life then it will be hell for you ... Mine too is a love marriage we both suffered a lot nearly not even had my parents tallk to us for nearly 2 yrs (mine ) and his 8 yrs .... always we remember how we suffered to get this far why we break the relationship for silly fights .... I believe your husband may be nice but from the picture i understand he is bit flirty.... if it his nature take it easy .... he can flirt but remember he loves only you so be thankful to god and lead your life happily .... vent your feelings to someone on and off so you dont carry it in your mind .... Been controlled ( in their minds but we think you are possesive ) leads to divorce .... think over it before you react ....

try doing meditation and enjoy ur life ...

angel2011 · Jan 20, 2012

if he wants to learn how to do curd, then ask him to look over internet or youtube. There are lot of recipes to learn cooking in internet. doesn't he know that.

SriVidya75 · Jan 20, 2012

trust issues??? in love marriage??? that too after that much of struggle you went through to marry this guy??

time to start making changes in your nature n behaviour, eventually you will see changes in him....express your love n caring feelings...surprise him....make specialdinner...or show at his office and tkae him out for a surprise evening....see threads on the forums here on how to spice up your married life or surprise your spouse...

remember first step shoudl start with you.....then you will see change in him.....

hemalathaK · Jan 20, 2012

As far as I understand from your post, the problem is not with your independent attitude, but because of your controlling nature.You say that you want to be independent but why are you trying to control your husband in each and everything? I mean to say that you want to be a boss to him and not as wife to him.How funny!

Please do not get me wrong.But you have to change.I do not see any problems at all here.Just be cool and try to creat happy moments with him.Automatically your life will become smooth and lovely.

orion80 · Jan 20, 2012

First you need to calm down and start thinking with a cool head.

You are being controlling here. You are watching whom he is talking with, trying to decide who his friends should be and starting a fight if you dont like any. He might have had this friends from before marriage, right? When you didnt have a problem then, why are you having a problem now? Getting married doesnt mean you get to dictate terms and whom he can or cannot be friends with just because they didnt match your wavelength.

How would you feel if he were checking your FB messages or asking you to break friendships just because he didnt like them? Irritating, isnt it? He will be feeling the same too.

Dont suffocate him. Give him some space. No matter how close you both are, being this controlling will have a negative impact on your marriage.

punnap · Jan 20, 2012

Thank you all for suggestions,but tell me what my H is doing is normal? i mean can it be taken easily?

JustMyself · Jan 20, 2012

Nothing is seriously wrong with both of you. There appear to be the adjustment / compromising issues.

Ours was a love marriage too. We had to undergo a very long period of struggle to convince our parents, and our marriage was not all roses for the first 3 months. We had fights at every possible situation. Even though we knew / understand each other's basic characteristics, our personalities & egos were getting in the middle of us living peacefully.

One afternoon, in the middle of the fight, my DH just stopped shouting. He was quiet and after couple of mins, he made me sit with him in the couch, and spoke softly... for almost 20 mins. We went through the struggles that we went through, struggles that we put our families through to get married and live together. We both agreed that both of us wanted peace and did not like the fights. We decided on few basic principles to stick to reduce the fights. Trust me, it worked like magic. Any person who meets us now use to wonder whether we had even the possibility of a fight once.

This is what we stuck to.
1. Never concentrate on words that you throw at each other during a discussion. Concentrate on the essence.
2. If you believe, you are wrong, do apologize.
3. If you still have your wits together in a fight, even if your spouse is yelling at the top of his/her lungs, hug your dear and say "I love you", and remind your spouse that you truly do not give a damn about anything said / done to upset. ---> This helped us a lot.
4. Do not stay mad at each other for more than 30 mins max.
5. Remember always.. your loved ones are much more important than a big fat ego.

It helped us a lot. Hope it helps you too.

Please remember if your DH really wanted to cheat you, he would be secretive. He will not leave msgs still visible in FB or drive with a person in public who may not have a very good reputation.

The first few months of marriage is the important time. It could be a rough ride and would be like a teething season, but am sure you could make it with some conviction All the Best !

This is my view. Happy married life dearie !!

punnap · Jan 20, 2012

Thank you so much Just Myself Appreciate your inputs!

JustMyself said: ↑

Nothing is seriously wrong with both of you. There appear to be the adjustment / compromising issues.

Ours was a love marriage too. We had to undergo a very long period of struggle to convince our parents, and our marriage was not all roses for the first 3 months. We had fights at every possible situation. Even though we knew / understand each other's basic characteristics, our personalities & egos were getting in the middle of us living peacefully.

One afternoon, in the middle of the fight, my DH just stopped shouting. He was quiet and after couple of mins, he made me sit with him in the couch, and spoke softly... for almost 20 mins. We went through the struggles that we went through, struggles that we put our families through to get married and live together. We both agreed that both of us wanted peace and did not like the fights. We decided on few basic principles to stick to reduce the fights. Trust me, it worked like magic. Any person who meets us now use to wonder whether we had even the possibility of a fight once.

This is what we stuck to.
1. Never concentrate on words that you throw at each other during a discussion. Concentrate on the essence.
2. If you believe, you are wrong, do apologize.
3. If you still have your wits together in a fight, even if your spouse is yelling at the top of his/her lungs, hug your dear and say "I love you", and remind your spouse that you truly do not give a damn about anything said / done to upset. ---> This helped us a lot.
4. Do not stay mad at each other for more than 30 mins max.
5. Remember always.. your loved ones are much more important than a big fat ego.

It helped us a lot. Hope it helps you too.

Please remember if your DH really wanted to cheat you, he would be secretive. He will not leave msgs still visible in FB or drive with a person in public who may not have a very good reputation.

The first few months of marriage is the important time. It could be a rough ride and would be like a teething season, but am sure you could make it with some conviction All the Best !

This is my view. Happy married life dearie !!
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passionate89 · Jan 20, 2012

How long its since you were in love before you got married?

I feel there is still more need for both of you to understand each other better. And can see a little immature behaviour in your H.

He needs to learn certain things and not act without thinking. To make curd, he could have either called you over the phone to ask, or browsed the internet for details. He has not given a small thought there, before asking a 23 yr old girl.

You cannot make anybody understand anything in anger. It is very much applicable for men. So try to make some time for you both try to explain certain situation in a polite way and explain that situation by making him put in your situation and ask him how would he react rather than showing anger and throwing things. Then you can see your life getting better.