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Newly married.. need advice from experienced ladies :)

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by alice785, Dec 14, 2011.

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  1. alice785

    alice785 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi all, I have recently joined this forum. Hope to have a nice time here :)

    I am recently married 4 mnths back. I was not interested in marriage and was always concerned about my career which I am now also. My marriage just happened when I fell in love with a person. It was like decided by heavens. I met him in my office and we started liking each other. I never felt mature enough to handle marriage when it happened (I am 25 :-D) but his parents were in a hurry. Their family belong to rural area and you know people there mostly are in hurry for marriage of their kids. I was not ready but he was behind me to marry. I talked about this to my parents, they were reluctant for this marriage as they knew that since we belong to city having urban lifestyle and his family with rural lifestyle, this was not a good match for me. I just didnt listen to them and forced them for marriage. Now after getting married when reality struck me and I met his family I repent my decision. Its not that he or his family are doing anything bad to me but I just don't like their rural ways of living, their rural language and thinking. I feel like an odd one out there. They all are like living in backward ways but we in cities live in standardized way. There they consume things like pan, tambaku, gutaka etc which I was just not aware before. Even though I and my husband live in Mumbai, that's fine but I just dont feel like going to his home, I like living a city lifestyle in modern society. I feel very bad now, I feel that I am hurting him & his family since I dont want to be like them and dont feel like being with them. I am always thinking whether I took a wrong decision, I will never want my children to learn their language or behaviour. I am feeling very depressed nowadays since I am not able to come out with any solution, I just cannot be like them, they live backwardly and I just dont feel attached to them. Recently my inlaws came to our home and obviously they didnt like city style. My mother-in-law will say things and I know thats because of different lifestyles so I really dont mind much about this.

    My husband is a nice person but I feel angry on him since he didnt tell me his families reality and didnt think for a moment that how his culture is and by bringing a girl from modern society what will be consequences? how can he expect me to live with his villager type people. I dont know what to do? This thing has really taken away my peace and now we are planning to go to his home in few months and my nights sleep has gone away:spin I just dnt want to go there, I simply hate there culture and feel like I am drowning :drowning Please advice me.... I dont want to tell anything to my parents, they will worry.
     
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  2. riefa

    riefa Bronze IL'ite

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    hi alice..
    I had similar problem with you. It's always annoying when things aren't like what we expected. But it's your decision, you got to go through. Be grateful at least you are not staying with your in laws in rural area. So you can live with your husband as per you want. If they are nice to you, there shouldn't be any problem. What you need may be more time to accept the differences. Try to explain to your hubby that you can't stay in his parents house for long time, but make sure not to hurt him. Be happy, think of happiness. Your mind, your heart, manage and be calm. Don't be like me, i used to think so much the problem didnt really exist, and me only suffering. Smile and have a happy life. Cheers
     
  3. rissy

    rissy Silver IL'ite

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    @alice785, Its not just your problem but problem of many girls. Many people just jump into marriages willy nilly these days. Infact I was thinking of starting a thread on this topic. People should work out on certain logistics before just jumping into marriages. The reason for rushing into marriage can be due to many reasons, like sometimes we (girls) are in hurry, sometimes partner or his family's pressure or girl's own family's pressure, various insecurities like running age, fear of losing expected partner or may not find expected partner later, seeing our other friends and cousins getting married, etc. etc. etc.

    Many times it also happens that during courtship period itself a girl observe unexpected behavior of in laws & her fiance and even her inner instinct and intuitions also say that something is wrong, but many of us (girls) often ignore it. Many times the girls also notice her fiances' or inlaws' tantrums and weird behaviors, she still ignores it. And sometimes her heart and intuitions are also going in opposite directions, still it is ignored. Reason, even I don't know properly, but I am one of those girls who ignored various things like every time I was with my inlaws or fiance (now ex), I was feeling some kind of discomfort. I also ignored my Ex's weird behavior and inlaws' tantrums at that time. Now I feel why I ignored all that? Maybe because at that time I wasn't knowing about consequences and bitter reality of life and I was roaming in wonderland & dreaming about future married life or maybe I was thinking "do I have any other option" and kept convincing myself and expecting that things will automatically get better with time. And various other factors that just didn't allowed me to take time and think in length. And ya one more important thing, I was also too busy in marriage shopping. And my mind was also in those things like buying exclusive dresses, sarees, jwellery, etc. thinking about decorations of marriage, etc. Even at times I noticed weird behavor of fiance and reacted, he was so cunning that he immediately try to blow off the topic by talking sweetly, and I used to come in his sweet talks etc. The above story of mine which I mentioned here is though irrelevant to your problem, but I mentioned it here so that unmarried or single girls who read this can learn a lesson from this and understand that pls think before taking decisions, work out on your criteria, be clear what you want from life and what kind of life you want to live and then think is the partner I am choosing is fit in my criteria? Don't get carried away, etc. Never never ignore your instinct, your intuitions. If you notice any kind of tantrum from your fiance or his family then pls don't ignore and don't give false consolation to yourself that things will get better. Trust god and believe that there is something more better stored in for you in future.

    Alice, My case was different and extreme which resulted into divorce. But your case is still not that bad. I can understand that all this is new for you and for every girl it take time for her to adjust and accept the new setup. Remember, you are living separate with your husband and not with your inlaws. You can live as you want to with your husband. Your inlaws culture and lifestyle shouldn't bother you as they are living separate. How they live is their problem and you don't need to worry about it. But if your husband or inlaws try to impose their ways on you then I would talk to your husband and clarify that since our is a love marriage we preferred to marry despite of our culture differences. But we are living here in urban area and so we will adopt urban lifestyle only. Tell him that you really love his family and appreciate them but since there is difference in culture you will never be able to adopt their culture. All you can do is whenever you go there you can adjust a bit but whenever they visit here they should adjust with your way and be understanding and not impose their way on you and your husband. And look, in this matter you need lot of patience. So cool down first of all. Have patience. Never ever badmouth or say something bad about your inlaws to your dh. You are staying separate and your inlaws are not going to be always there. So all is in your hands dear. Don't give a space to unnecessary thinking and fear or depression in your mind. Just live your life as you want to and incline your hubby to your side by giving him lots of love. Give lots of love to your dh, always make your house funloving and peaceful. Slowly dh will be completely inclined to your side, don't let your inlaws or their lifestyle bother you. Just think that your family is just you, your hubby and kids. Inlaws are just relatives who will come to visit once in while. Your child will learn what you teach him and don't worry, your inlaws can't have major impact on your child. You need to understand that marriage is a matter of diplomacy sometimes so have to deal patiently and smartly. When you meet inlaws treat them nicely but thier comments, suggestions or lifestyle should not bother unless they are trying to control you unreasonably. It is your home and you are free to live your way, your inlaws culture and lifestyle should not bother you. And riefa also gave you very good suggestions, don't think much and spoil & give tension to your mind. Hope I helped u. If possible help me too and answer mine, not necessary, only if you know. Thanks already. http://www.indusladies.com/forums/i...mix-bittergourd-bottlegourd-juice-winter.html
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2011
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  4. maya69

    maya69 Gold IL'ite

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font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--> alice785,


    I had to laugh when I read your post. I am going to go off topic a bit to make a point….I came to US 30yrs back, braided oily air, thick accent, never been outside of my state in India! In middle school I felt so out of place, my American classmates looking at me as the country bumpkin. But as the years rolled by and I am not a country bumpkin anymore. Completely American accent, couldn’t care if I get Indian meal every day. Now I see FOB Indians am I to turn my nose against them because of their old country ways? Should I be acting superior? I hope not! Nor do I want my kids to act that way either.


    So you don’t like your in laws because of their country ways! But at some point your parents must have also come from the village only. Since you have nothing against your DH then what is the problem? You are going to live in the city and raise your kids there. When you visit them please show some humbleness and respect and try to get along. Maybe you have something you can learn from them as they can from you. After all they raised your DH and you seem to have fallen in love with him!
     
  5. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Alice, What you say is a common problem. When I say common I mean all brides go thru this when they come newly into in laws family. Rural, Urban doesnt make a lot of differences.You are new to this setup hence feel upset. Dont do it. Becoz once you go that way , you go downhill.You will look at everything with distaste. You dont live with your in laws. You live with your husband. Paan , Gutka are minor things. Unless your husband does it.

    If your in laws or husband have been bad to you thats a different matter. But some culture shock is always there when you marry into a family.This is not a point to be discussed with your husband. Becoz ultimately it will bite you back. He will feel you sound judgemental and that might bring a crack in your relationship. If your relationship is good with your husband except this, why do you want to rock the boat.When you ultimately have kids you can monitor their conversations with your in laws and guide them in right direction.Take a deep breath and relax.Good Luck.
     
  6. swathichen

    swathichen New IL'ite

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    Hi senior ladies,

    Not sure if this is the correct thread to post this. I'm getting married in a week. Feeling a bit apprehensive and nervous. Not sure what to expect - especially after the marriage. how am I expected to behave with him?

    Also, he is 9 years older than me - will that be a problem? (I am 22, he is 31).

    Thanks,
    Swathi
     
  7. noush

    noush Bronze IL'ite

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    At OP , all earlier posts are great advices...
    just to add my 2 cents to it would be for you to try and view the entire situation in a different and more positive and exciting and helpful way. you say that you feel like an "outsider" Look ate it in a way where you in a HUMBLE AND POLITE way help improve their HABITS (for starters, not their entire lifestyle) with lot of concern and healthy options and good social manners.

    i mentioned humble and polite in CAPS , just so that you don't poke the a rural man's EGO. also you need to make sure that you dont let them feel like you are superiror, there will be some family members who will look up to up since you are from city and some who would hate you for the same so you need to actually go there and find out who are the ppl and what category they fit. and obviously you teach and help improve those who look up to you coz you are from city. be nice to them with if you act superior. you might all on them to hate you coz you are form city, and yet you dont have any manners yourself of how to behavior with HUMAN beings ... get my point.

    so help and teach the urban habits to those who are keen to learn.. thats a very good way to make your space in thier heart and not to have any issues with your in-laws side of ppl

    and another thing is. that even your hubby will be EXTREMELY proud of you to have adjusted and not made huge fuss or looked down upon his family member, you have no discriminated them and actually have taught them healthy habits... and your hubby will always stand by you.. no matter what..
     
  8. noush

    noush Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Swati,
    congrats on the new beginning.

    the best way i can explain in a nut shell what marriage is .. is by comparing it to a situation.

    Imagine if you were to move to a different country where you know no one and you would need start from scratch. Where by with your past knowledge that you have learnt till date will come in handy.
    so in a new country (in-laws place and ppl) you will try to be reserved and the same time try to get to know them. In a new country you will WITH AN OPEN MIND try to understand then and thier lifestyle. and then you will find the positives/best of both the worlds as adapt accordingly.

    so imagine your
    in-laws house = new country
    in-laws and relative = residents of the new country
    in-laws language = think of it as accents , UK ppl have a different accent to natives of USA and etc..


    you will have a lot new things to learn. go with an open mind. be reserved, observe others, learn about them more than educated them about you :)

    and another important thing is to give it some time to find the balance...
    :)


    good luck darling..
     
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  9. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    Swathi,

    Congrats on your marriage !!

    You are both adults, getting married to share your life with some one. Age difference should not matter. Be equal partners with your husband. You support him, he supports you. Try to have a friendly, understanding relationship.

    You are a new bride, and hence nervous. Use this time to prepare yourself mentally. Be yourself, and stay happy.

    You may have gone through the Relationship with In - Laws forum. If not, you can go through it once. There are lots of tips on handling relationship with ILs.

    Have a happy married life. :)
     
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  10. perfundo

    perfundo Silver IL'ite

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    Dear alice (in wonderland doh1)


    Just exactly like your English(in the post above) is bad/imperfect/full of mistakes, your in-laws lifestyle is too.

    How is it even human to travel in those Mumbai locals? dripping sweat of one person gets smeared on the face of the person standing next, how do you really call that modern living?

    if you hate the guy so much, just move on. It will be good for you both. Please understand repent is a VERY STRONG WORD.

    finally, I will leave you with this link below.

    Munaf Patel: A fast bowler and the slow life | The Indian Express

    PS: I don't hate Mumbai, I sort of belong from there.
     
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