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New Era Mothers In Law And Their Ultra Modern Dil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by blessed, Nov 8, 2019.

  1. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    Leaving a plate for someone else to pick up, whether a DIL or MIL or son or husband or whomever is really bad manners. I have a hard enough time leaving my plate for the servers to pick up at restaurants. Doing this at home, ugh.
     
  2. rgz

    rgz Gold IL'ite

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    EXACTLY! Short crisp and hit the point.
    I hope everyone here says the above and be done with it! Crazy that they would wait for elders to cleanup after them!
     
  3. cutepoojitha

    cutepoojitha Bronze IL'ite

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    After reading your thread, I felt like answering it because I have really connected to it, because in my last India trip for 3 weeks from US, my MIL picked up a huge fight with me that, I am too lazy and not lifting a finger and treating inlaws home as vacation home.

    Her fight was too intense and she abused my parents for very bad upbringing and she also raised a point that my parents were also badly raised by their parents.

    Let me tell you my point of view here

    1. Picking up the plates after eating, I did that for me and my husband and put it for maid
    2. I wake up usually by 6 am be it in India or USA, her complaint was that i didnt broom( I was scared because they are very orthodox, if the broom stick touches any blanket/sofa, issue will blow out of propotion, thats why i left to maid who would come by 7 am)
    3. While making coffee used wrong milk with layer of cheese over it, she boiled milk and said make coffee, Obviously layer will be formed and didnt pay attention to it and they make coffee in a very different way, though I learnt it I couldnt match their standards, they dont use filter or instant coffee, they use a traditional style used in weddings which is very difficult for me.
    4. Not helped in cooking was other complaint - well the point is they had a function and cooks cooked food and she kept it in fridge and used it for next 5 days( imagine using the cooked food in India for 5 days), If I use the food cooked in morning for dinner, she makes a huge fuss that it is unhealthy. I dont know how it is healthy in the weather back there. There is nothing to cook for next 5 days other than white rice and baby food for my toddler ( which I did for myself)
    5. Didnt wash clothes for myself - that is a big complaint that I dont respect inlaws by not washing my clothes. Well I am a full time working mom here with toddler kid and in my inlaws house there is no washing machine, we have to wash by hand and use bat( I dont know how many of you remember using bat). So I took all the used clothes to my parents house and got it washed by maid

    So I am lazy, no respect to inlaws, not lifting a finger during India trips

    But if they are here, I cooked 2 hot meals lunch and dinner with months baby and working, and they said I did no thing just enjoys my life in US with loads of laziness.

    I would like to add a point here, our generation late 20's to 30's are not much interested in house hold chores( I a m not generalizing this for every one), in fact in my case my interests are else where and being too busy here, I want to just relax when I visit India, I am not saying I dont want to do any thing, with jet lags, young kids, if I have time i want to spend with family( Quality time), not waste my time on washing clothes with hands( I did many times and realized), when we have a chance to outsource, Instead spend time with loved ones, because some times I missed some loved ones in next India trip, instead of wasting time on chores.

    I saw my grandparents telling this to their DIL's when they visited from cities , instead of chores spend some time with us which is important and thats why me, my parents and grandparents are critized for badly raised children :)

    But that is okay, we cant be super women by balancing careers, toddler kids, inlaws families and satisfying every one, its okay to be bad.

    I dont know about MIL's in your case, if they feel it is a burden doing chores to DIL's , I still feel they can outsource it in India ( hiring cooks, maids)
     
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  4. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Hey Blessed,

    Nice to see you here!

    To answer your question, yes I have noticed that too in few households. I have few classmates who are now mil as their daughter or son has got married. What they shared with me is that they, and this gen MIL, have extreme insecurity that if they pull same stunts like past gen MIL did, dil will not let them in house or limit access to grandchildren. With rising inflation etc they see themselves as future dependants on their son especially. Old gen MIL had own house in village and lived independent so could get away with it is their rationale. We are city folk, who will take care, run around when we are old and infirm in couple decades is a recurring theme.

    I don’t know if it’s correct or not. Just sharing what I heard.
     
  5. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    Being modern is different and being mannered and kind is different. Two different things.
    As in this case, leaving own plate for others to pick up is plain ill-mannered.. shorts or saree. However, the leaver and the picker are ok... so...
     
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  6. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    Views ? LOL... only those sitting across the crisscross girl would get the view :facepalm::facepalm:.
    All America born-and-raised girls do not lounge about in their homes in mini-shorts and T's. This is done in girls' dorms in undergrad school.
    That vacation-visit bahu may be trying to shock her in-laws with her shenanigans to see how far she can push them. And the poor desi parents are clueless, while being suckered into service employment in a home-resort.
     
  7. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    its shorts... at least there are limited views.
    The micro minis crossed legged are sometimes an abomination to the nation. :confused:
     
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  8. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Sandhya, you hit the nail on the head. Does that mean going forward we will have a bunch of nervous MIL’s walking on egg shells all the time to please the DIL’s? I am all for opinionated independent women, that includes MIL’s as well. Isn’t there a lesson for all of us?
    Make your kids independent so they do not depend on you financially. At the same time, be financially independent so you do not have to carry your DIL’s plate to the sink . As for access to grandchildren, maintain a good distance and keep a cordial relationship.


     
  9. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

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    When women, whether MIL or DIL have a good intention of giving space to each other,these problems may not arise. DILs may not wake up daily at 10 A. M..It may be for a day or two, it may be due to jet jag. All these DILs attend to so many chores daily while they are abroad. They have no regular maid help as in India.
    It is possible that they use Indian stay as vacation, totally free from daily routine. For that reason, they may not simply keep the plates on the dining table. I have seen my grandsons aged seven and four taking the plates and keep them inside the sink.
    If MILs allow DILs to be totally free for two or three weeks, it may be that they want to give space and not that they want to be slaves to DILS.
    Here MILs, and mostly women in all the middle class families just cook and all the vessels are cleaned by maids.Let the DILs enjoy the facility at least for two or three weeks.
    Even if they happen to stay for three weeks,they have so many outside visits, shopping appointments etc and on those days they may finish dinner outside.

    If both have give and take and perfect understandings, these small events may not siir a crisis and may never create a feeling of slavery in the minds of MILs while the NRIs visit India or MILs too may find their visits abroad a lively one, sharing the chores with DIL in American kitchen.

    jayasala 42
     
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  10. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    Many current 50+ year olds came to employment age in the 1990's -- the age of economic liberalization in India. Many of these, especially in the middle classes, are adequately (well?) educated women who have had (or many still have) a job. Much better prepared lot for retirement than the previous generation of MiL's. Not necessary to accumulate good points in DiL's books for any eventual payback when MiL is old.

    The NRI visiting DiL is a special case, that would certainly not apply to many families; And @jayasala42 has said what needs to be said on that already: Foreign living, employed/or/Not girls suffer a lot where they live, and when they are affectionate/supportive to our sons, they should have the best of care when they come to visit India.

    However, I would still draw a line at sitting crosslegged in mini shorts.
     
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