New Developments...

Icy, Your emotional weakness is a great advantage to him. You need to be mentally very well prepared think very well and go in that direction which your mind directs.

You are confused because you are melting for his words. Now consider a scenario, you go to his house and start living with him. Do you expect a 180 degree change in him? A patch will last as long as the glue lasts.

 

Icy

Your husband is such typical case, see he is ready to live single all his life, but NOT READY To change the situation and circumstances in his own marriage. I.e he cant take control of his life, but claims he loves you. So what kind of love is this where he expects you to take all the crap from him and his parents? Worrysome part is...if you go back and have kids, he wont be able to stand up for his kids also. So you would end up raising your kids as per what your MIL wants or someone else wants, because you have NO Say in what so ever in this family. So just ignore the messages. Be firm. If he is not ready to talk and fix things, what other reason is there to save this marriage ?

 

Dear Icy,

I had been reading almost all your posts about your issues. Read replies from everyone as well. Divorce is surely not as easy as we think. I have seen this for my own sister. The phase, time, situation is too weak for anyone to breakdown and go for a wrong decision (of going back for emotional reasons). The only things that are required is lot of strength and self-confidence, confidence on your own decision of getting separated. ONLY if YOU feel that you cannot live for a b c reasons (which should be justified and yes they are in your case to some extent), you should not be fearing anyone. My sister's ex-H and his family tortured and defamed my sister and parents soo much, that the pressure to handle everyone around in the society and internal family (relatives etc) was too difficult. I was only in my First year Dimploma when all this started (when she was married and she immediately started facing these issues), and when this ended I was in my third year engg, but still remember the entire scene. That ex-H turned down just before the final hearing, and said tomy sister he will not sign the paper. He called my sister to meet (after staying separate for 2-3 yrs), at 12 AM, just to tell that he doesnt want to divorce her. That night was a disasterous night for my family, as we were getting calls from his family and blaming my sister for changing his decision. But at the end, he did what his parents wanted too...divorce!

The guy and his family will try to put you down in all possible ways and means. But if you have really decided to move on with your life (excluding him), then donot fear. Just be strong and show to your parents as well that your not scared and support them too.

Your H is also scaring you by saying all this. He is just trying to get you back by saying that he misses you and he will cherish the moments spent with you, so that you change your mind. Once when he sees you changed your mind, and are not thinking about divorce, he will turn you down by saying that he wants to get separated. I am saying becasue I have seen this happening in real. The typical male ego (no offenses meant) never goes specially for men who values their ego more than their marriage and only want to satisfy by doing such things.

Again this is only if you have decided completely to ahead with a divorce.

Hope I was not offending anyone's sentiments. If done, apologies in advance.

Take care Icy.

Sushma

 

I think, Love is still there in both of you. Only that external noises are blocking it to be seen and felt. I had to talk about this in a different post and to a different poster as well.

Forget all the past. Send him an email or go to his home pull him out, talk to him. "we both love each other a lot and that is the reaosn you and I are finding it very difficult to think along the lines of seperation. We are just not realizing it. Just You and Me minus everything - can have a happy future with kids and more. Lets first build our life together first without any 3rd influence. Lets first know each other, by ourselevs and not through anybody. It is not that we are goign to cut ties We still talk to our respective families. I am only asking that we dont act based on what we hear. I know i need to make a lot of changes in myself. I will do it for you,our happiness and future. I will not hear to what my family syas about you and make sure that they dont talk abouto ur issue. This will be my side of arangement. And as a starting step, I from my side am ready to come to you. Lets go to our home, forgetting all the past and remembring only the love." somethign similar. hope this helps.

Fact that he does not want to let you go says that he loves you and wants to be with you, but his ego or parental pressure or whatever is not allowing him to do so. What does that mean, he minus noise = better person and and is not a divorce worthy. same with you. Dont keep waiting, chatting, and everythign. First get out of your parents house, stay in a hotel if you have to and invite him. That way you are cutting 50% of the noise. he will then know you are serious and might be at ease to come and talk to you. Tell him that you are in a seperate place alone and would like to be with him as you long for his presense and you both can have good times, if atleast for one day. Once he tastes it, he will want more. Good luck.

 

Icy, I agree with Sushma. Right now your H is pulling out all the stops because he has lost control of the situation. He is trying every technique he knows to gain back a little power over you. I think if he were to gain back control (i.e. you move back into his house with his parents) he would stop the sweet words and start the same old same old again. One side he is saying bad stuff about you to your parents, next side he is saying lovey dovey stuff to you, while next minute he is running behind his parents to please them at any cost.... does that sound like a genuine guy to you? You have been genuine towards him from the start, whereas he seems to use sweet words only when it is to his advantage. That's not fair, and I think it's very low of him to try all these manipulation techniques to get you back. If he were serious about you, he would have sent his parents back long ago and told them not to come back for a very long time. He also would have come to talk to you at your parents house face to face as soon as you moved out. Just my opinion.

 

Icy I wish you all the best.. be strong.
I see some point in Sruthi's post........ also the judge will probably make more sense out of hearings and counter hearings.

Since I followed your thread, I dint find anything big time wrong in terms of physical/verbal abuse with your husband, but the major problem that he cant set his parents right and show them their place. Definitely he cant leave his parents and things can never be normal.
God bless such men from their own parents. I really feel pity for such weak souls who are not clear on what they want and how to achieve it.

Probably after this divorce he'll get a learning curve and show his parents the right place... and you a better partner to start life again.. you're a comp engg and can make good out of your life, instead of loosing this time now try to get into some job to have a sense of achievement in an alternate field.

 

Shilpa, these men may never learn their lessons. They are fundamentally bad people. People with conscience alone learn from their mistakes and never people like Icy's husband. If you had gone through her last post in the chit-chat community, you will know how nasty he can be by saying they don't allow maids to sleep with their husbands. They are basically bad and it has nothing to do with parents influence. If they are bad the influence is making them worse.

If Icy gets back to him, they will make her life miserable and throw her out,so their ego is appeased.

Shilpa, how can you say this?