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New Age Friendships - Do They Have Expiry Dates Preset?

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by crazysans, Apr 12, 2016.

  1. crazysans

    crazysans Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi,

    This has been bothering me a bit these days.

    I have seen my mom having lots of female friends for years and still get along very well and I have seen a very good emotional between her and her friends. They were there for each other even after many years when they all moved through different phases of like schools to marriages to kids, their marriages and grand kids etc. Still have the same bond and affection in their talks even of they meet after years.


    On the other hand I somehow am feeling like I am not able to maintain friendships beyond certain time. TH elongest friendship that I had was for ~10 years. I have already posted a thread in this section about a year ago, but now I am over that sadness and concentrating more on my family kids, etc. However I made a few new friends who I have never met before , but recently met here in a foreign land, I guess the factors that I felt connected to them are - language, family situations like same aged kids etc. I have also got in touch with one of my close friends in college who happened to be living some what closely to where I am now. However I think these friendships are not going where I wanted to be either. After about a year and half, I noticed that I am thinking twice to talk freely, with this college friend. Not many bad incidents but just once , we had a big argument, where she pin pointed how I talked about her in front of my friend. She came with her family (3 kids and her husband) to stay at ours for 15 days over XMAS holidays and we were sharing all house work etc. Then she recently pin pointed to me and said I was insulting her infornt of one of my other friends one day saying " she would not give me a chance to clean up the dishes , she would finish as soon as we finish cooking etc" I agree I said that , but not in the sense that she understood, I was very appreciative of her helping nature etc. All my family were worried If I would be stressed when they heard from me that they are coming to stay over for 15 days, so I told this even to my parents that she was helping me with everything and we were sharing. Not sure why she took it in such a bad way. She also said "you now have got many other friends who are growing more close to you" . But deep down I feel like this is not going to end up in the way that I want. I had to constantly watch my words thinking what she will interfere from them. SHe does not work and I am working, so I think she feels like I am dominating her/ insulting her in front of my other friends here etc. Which I have no intention of and I clearly told her many times that she manages many things much better way than me.

    So in short, I was feeling like

    Todays friendships especially between ladies is short lived and subject to many factors such as whether one is working or not, who is earning more, whose kids are better looking, good at studies , lifestyles , Who maintains their looks etc..... all these things are constantly getting in way of their friendships? One we grow close and start discussing these things openly somehow there is gap forming... Is that right? what is your observation? Am I thinking too much?

    How many of you are able to maintain a close relationship with someone , who you would talk daily/regularly atleast on a weekly basis or living closely to you or meet everyday at work etc , who knows more of your personal stuff etc .... and still maintain that relationship over many years? What was your trick?
     
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2016
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  2. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    You are right... My mom has a few friends, and they are very much connected to each other. They help each other like family during the happy or hard times. Their friendship is definitely a step or two elevated from what we called friendship today.

    Nevertheless, I have many friends now. Much more than what my mom could have imagined. The school ones, college ones, workplace, neighbors, friends' friends, relatives who have become friends etc... And we are in social groups like FB and whatsapp, so we are more of connected.
    However, there is no best friend. No such close friend, with whom I can share anything.
    The friendship also changes. Although everyone is still connected, we become close to someone who is actually share the same life, same passion with us for that moment. Then, it changes to a different person, and the list has no end.
    Old friend will remain as the old friend, and we can quickly refresh our friendship the moment we reconnect. However, we will have so much to share with the new friend, who is in touch.
    So, that's the modern friendship.

    Knowing this fully, I am happy that I have friends, and I have someone to talk to, or lean on (although, that someone is different during every stage of my life). But I don't miss a true/life long friendship at all.

    Let go of your friend's tantrum and forgive her. Don't depend on her too much hereafter.
     
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  3. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Giving each other space - is the short answer to what was your trick.

    When we realized that our temperaments matched, and we could complete each other's sentences, and we could predict what the other will say about something, and that confidentiality was guaranteed for matters shared, we didn't overdo the 'friendship' thing. No talking on a daily basis. No getting 'angry' if the other is unavailable or doesn't respond to calls/emails. If either says or hints that a certain matter is currently off-limits, it remains so with no offence taken.

    I have 2-4 such friends. One was mean to me on my wedding day. : ) Said my mehendi was too light. She is yet to give me my wedding present. : ) The other once refused to bring 2 Famous-Five paperback books from India as she has principle of not taking/bringing any not-emergency items in India trip. Another, who lives in India, mailed me 7 famous-five books plus 15 Amar Chitra Katha comics by regular post!
    :smiley:
     
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  4. sing

    sing Silver IL'ite

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    I agree with your point

    I guess, its not that there's an expiry date or something. Once upon a time, there wasn't so much media around to meet people. But today its shallow friendships on FB, Whatsapp friends, its a virtual life, but you'll quickly realize its crap. The kind of feelings you experience seeing people's virtual life is both amusing and thought provoking.

    Once upon a time, photos used to be a memory, but today they are everywhere from selfies in a club to a political style environmental activity posts.

    The amount of distraction is just too much and also, the kind of "clinging" has gone away. If its not you, somebody else kind of attitudes are prevalent these days.

    Back to your comment about "status" **** and friendships based on that. I would say, to some extent this is true, but not always and not with everyone, perhaps the people around you are all like that, so you might feel that way. The problem here is "showing off" phenomenon, if you eat at a certain restaurant, if its 1990s, you'll probably say to your friend to go there, but the way information is broadcasted, doesn't seem to give the impression of please go and eat there, it gives a "show off" of what somebody is doing. I have no fucking clue, why people want to posted every **** they do.

    I have been out of facebook or any social media, for a long long time, got tired of shallow friendships, fake likes and basically useless way of keeping in touch with people.

    Is there a solution to this ?
    Yes, certainly, try to stay away from such people, hang around people to your liking more and less with those you don't want to. If they are judging you on status and all that, stay at a distance from them, but don't have to completely avoid them, it wont add anything to your life, just invites animosity. Stay away from social media ****.
     
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  5. manshreya

    manshreya Senior IL'ite

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    So true about these days friendships,
    I feel sad and guilty if someone stops to be in touch, as they used to be earlier.And for no reason take the blame on myself thinking that, if any of my words or actions were taken wrongly , not liked by that person.
    Off late there have been few instances that left me so bewildered about people's behavior.Now I am so skeptical to befriend anyone, cause after sometime they will start treating you as a stranger again without any hint.
    The kind of person I am (sensitive), quiet usually do not take the initiative in socializing, but yes if someone talks to me and befriends me I respect that whole heartily, and offer all the help that I can.
    and in no time the other person, her priorities change and starts ignoring you , happened to me so frequently lately.I don't know if I lack in understanding the people and their mean needs.
    When I discuss this with DH , he says its my fault , and I must learn to be smart and detached without taking the friendships so seriously and go with the flow.
     
  6. baatyehai

    baatyehai New IL'ite

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    i have experienced the same... friendships need space too and esecially in this age and era. we are all over each other on fb,whatsapp profile pics (instagram, i dot use it.) It has become competitive for many and many imes people forget their limits and for the other party its npt easy to convey the displeasure.

    my experience is...i dance , and i dance very well....i showed it to one of my friends here who is very close to me n my hubby. since then if we happen to visit them and there is any one at their place they would ask me to perform. no matter how much i refuse at times it teribly uncomfortable....im 32 n not 12-16 to dance to please any guest who have come home you know! and once there was a get together they were just asking me to put music and dance, i felt if i didn't know how to dance they would'nt have invited me at all!..that was it i put my displeasure by keeping quiet all through out the party n at the end while leaving they asked me n i just said that i dont feel its correct what they are doing n since then...we are done.

    secondly..i met a group of girls they were just so competitive about getting ready better than each other! it can be fun many times but more than that it can become a tension for those who dont like it as much, like me. i was picked on in gentle n not so gentle ways just because i just stay away from foccusing too mcuh on make up or latest fashio , clothes n stuff....i like all this but only to a certain extent...after that even if it my own important day i'll go around in a pajama..i just couldn't care less...but all this commenting and all get over you.

    and this new age image has got to do a lot too....too many expectations from a woman by a woman i guess..and judgemental that we women are.
     
  7. baatyehai

    baatyehai New IL'ite

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    i so understand this feeling...i too refrain from knowing other people first...so i met this girl recently at a known persons house and she took a lot of interest in me and by herself asked for no. and all...so after a few days i gave her a call and she was so cold! i took it as a hint and never caled her back ever.

    i guess just keep to yourself...and just take it as it comes...do not actively participate neither discourage anyone.
     
  8. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    I am experiencing same too.I am learning hard way to not to get too much emotionally involve in anyone and keep things casual.
    I have only one close friend who is there from school days.Our friendship doesn't depend upon whether we have car or not,or money for shopping.
     
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  9. Mashup

    Mashup New IL'ite

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    I have good friends but I maintain my distance. These days there is no value for true friendships. Everything is materialized or act fake. What I don't understand is that if a person not sure or disinterested in friendship why the heck they still want to hang in around with the same people. They can politely step back and can move on with there life. But nowadays I say so many friendships are simply just for the moment no respect for each other or for the family's. hope this type of friendships change soon...
     
  10. viraghu

    viraghu Gold IL'ite

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    Oflate, have been experiencing it... friendship has lost its true essence with more of social media's influence in it... we chat thru fb, watsapp n many more...when we see in person, we are in a loss of words... at times, ppl refuse to give space for others. they try to establish themselves but not ready to listen to others too...in that case, i step back n slowly stop talking to that kind of ppl... its better we stay away from social media, just be active in real life happenings and do not take these things so serious n to just go with the flow.......
     
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