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Never Gets Easier When Dealing With Manipulative Mil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by vidyarp, Nov 15, 2019.

  1. vidyarp

    vidyarp Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi All,
    I have been a part of Indusladies for long now. I dont post much though i do go through recent posts. Today is an exception - what can i say? I am sick and tired of the drama at home. The drama has been going on for 18 years (yes thats how long i have been married). Mine is a love marriage and my husband is a wonderful man. Right from day 1, my MIL has been making cheap remarks about my looks, my cooking abilities (or the lack of it as per her) and my ability to be a good wife (Whatever that means!) I had my son in a few years - then it progressed to how useless of a mother i am! I work full time and in a renowned IT organization. But of course - i have been called lazy, useless, gold digger (because i let my husband buy small things for me ;), good for nothing etc. And all this in a sly-passive aggressive manner. Never in front of my husband. Always when i am alone OR am within hearing distance but she is telling her relatives and even the maids!! Yes thats how low she stoops. Her pet grudge has been that i dont do enough work at home (Well - i do have maids who i pay well and i dont really understand if she needs a maid or a DIL..but thats how she sees it). And did i mention that she thinks i am fat and thats because i eat all the food at home!! I was called fat right after giving birth to my son. My son is a teenager now. And i am still the same lazy, useless good for nothing, fat DIL. So many maids have come and gone, but everyone apparently knows all of my life history. So what does all that do to me?
    • In my initial years of marriage, i cried buckets of tears. I went from shock to rage that she will be so mean and disrespectful. I learnt over a period of time that the only way to cope with this is to push back. My husband understands me very well. And he knows that i will not do anything without being pushed to do it. So now i give it back when i hear her say nasty things. I am assertive without being disrespectful. Yes - it can be done with some practice
    • Did i consider leaving her and setting a separate home? yes and my husband was perfectly ok with it. But i didnt do it because i dont want to be the root cause for splitting the family. I have a good job, good son and husband then why should i leave this house because of her faults? I will stay and i will stay like a queen in my house and do as i please. If she has a problem, she will have to deal with it. I am not going out. She never expected me to stay put, so it adds to her distress levels and secretly, i am happy to irritate her :)
    • I realized that i can not control her from talking trash. Its a free country and she can say anything to anyone. I am in no position to stop her. So what do i do? I build excellent relations with everyone she talks to. They know what i am and they know what she says. Let them decide. And frankly, i dont care what they think. I am good at PR and she is good at bad mouthing. But i am not letting other people's opinion about me, decide my happiness. I am not seeking approvals from anyone else. I do what i think is right and what helps me sleep at night.
    • Some days are hard and others are ok. It will never be a happy place for me because everyday she has some drama or histrionics. She can lie, scheme and be passive aggressive in her behaviour. Some i can deal with, some i ignore and some really push my buttons. I deal with them as they come. Because unlike her, i cannot plan and scheme. It would take monumental efforts on my side to plan a counter attack and she will still beat me hands down with her experience in manipulation. So i dont go there. Does it mean i am not prepared for her vile comments and tactics? Yes i am not prepared. but i cannot be her. I dont want to be her. i cannot stoop to that level and become a character out of the soap operas. I have to be me. And frankly, thats what has helped me. My husband knows that i am genuine and i need not play games to get attention
    • I focus on my work, my son's future and the wellbeing of my family. If i stop and ponder over all that she says and does, i will be reduced to a ball of mess. I have better things to do in life. And with every veiled comment and snide remark, i resolve to do even better at my work and with my son. Thats the biggest reason i have been so successful in my career.
    • When my son was young, she did her level best to make him hate me and consider her as the ideal grandmother. But that never happened. My love and bonding with him is so strong that he loves me more than anything else and even fought for me when she was ranting about me to her friend.So thats that.
    • I dont tell all things to my husband. After all he is her son. You never know when the son's emotions are stronger than the husband's emotions. I give him the high level brief and tell him that i am dealing with it and he should not intervene. However, when things go beyond control, i make sure he hear's it first hand.
    Bottom line - be genuine, be yourself and dont try to win her approval/please her/fight her/plot against her. Do what you think is right and focus on what matters. If you can, put some distance between her and you. And if you can't - learn that **** happens and you need to deal with it. Always love yourself and take care of your well being. If you find yourself thinking too much about the hurtful comments she made or the lies she has been spreading - STOP!! She is not worth your time. Do something more meaningful in life. never give her the pleasure to see you upset. Never give her the power to make you feel frustrated. YOU are in control. treat her as an inconsequential mosquito that can be squashed anytime.
    Above all - look happy and behave happy. nothing pisses them off more than this :)
     
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  2. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    :clap2::clap2:
    Good message. The mosquito part I loved.
    BTW just out of curiosity only . Don't mistake me.

    How old is she?
     
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  3. vidyarp

    vidyarp Bronze IL'ite

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    She is 72.
     
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  4. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    Manipulating Mother in Law is also so rhyming.
    Like a Perry Mason novel "The case of the Manipulating Mother in Law"
    Yes... if she had already messed up the life of son&dil for 18 years, I would guess she is likely in her late 60's, or close to 70.
     
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  5. VinuthaS

    VinuthaS Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Vidya for this post. I am married for 11 years, mine is an arranged oneo_O. Similar MIL, first tried to be a good DIL. Now I give a **** :hmmm:. But yes working on the issues like you mention and see the difference. :clap2: Much better for my physical and mental health.
     
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  6. winterhue

    winterhue Silver IL'ite

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    Ive tried to be a good DIL for 11 years, didnt work out - so happily carry the Bad DIL label with pride for the past three years. Now that I see the peace of mind and mental freedom that comes with it, I regret not trying for it earlier :)
     

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