Nephew's Marriage Is In Trouble. Need Urgent Advice

hridhaya · Apr 24, 2018

Dear friends,

My nephew got married 6 months ago. Both are from different cities.Both happen to be hearing impaired and use sign language for their interaction. But my nephew is better at conversing with outside world as he went through speech therapy from childhood.

To my knowledge, the marriage was not thrust upon on any of them. From the outset, things appeared great and everyone was happy for the couple and parents since they managed to find a partner despite their challenges.

About the boy - I know him from childhood and has been raised by a working mother. So he is trained to handle household work and is quite soft spoken. He works in a corporate although it is a low paying job. Parents are decent and are non interfering. My cousin brother's wife is a capable person and has dealt through many challenges of her own life. She is outspoken and bold in nature. Father is a gentleman and cares only for son's life.

About the girl - When I met her, she appeared friendly and wasn't shy in nature. Parents were fine too.

Now the issue is the girl does not want to be with in laws and she wants to go back to her own place with my nephew. I can guarantee that there must not have been any abuse by my cousin brother or his wife. She seems to be egoistic and adamant in nature. She wants my nephew to cut contacts with his parents and be with her separately. She has even beaten him during an occasion. She doesn't have any respect for her inlaws and has insulted them many times. In the last few months of marriage, she has often travelled to her parent's house and no one objected. She has anger issues and threatens my nephew that she will leave him and go. At present, she is not with the boy's family and is in her home town.

My sis in law has approached marriage counsellor and psychologist and sought their advice. The counsellor wants to meet up both parents and the couple. Boy's family is ready for meeting counsellor whereas the girl is refusing to come. My sister has firmly conveyed to her parents that the next step required in counselling.

Differences between the couple
Since boy and girl are from different cities, they don't each other's local language. They know English although the girl is not fluent in English.
She was working before marriage now she is not interested in working.
My gut feel is she wants to go back to her comfort zone But my nephew cannot relocate because he has a low paying job and needs family's monetary support. Also he needs a familiar and supportive office environment as he needs his coworkers help to complete his work as he has physical limitations.

Quite traumatic for the family to deal with this. your thoughts?

madras2018 · Apr 24, 2018

How about moving out of his parent's home to a new place within the same city ?

hridhaya · Apr 24, 2018

madras2018 said: ↑

How about moving out of his parent's home to a new place within the same city ?
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I suggested the same but the parents are afraid of boys safety plus the boy has some fear of her now and not sure if she will change

nakshatra1 · Apr 24, 2018

I think best is take a independent place in his present working city , near his parents .

Neither they should live with her parents . Let them live independently , maybe she will also change her mind about quitting job once they have to take care bof own expenses.

hridhaya · Apr 24, 2018

Plus it will be difficult for two hearing impaired to lead life on their own without others help.

hridhaya · Apr 24, 2018

nakshatra1 said: ↑

I think best is take a independent place in his present working city , near his parents .

Neither they should live with her parents . Let them live independently , maybe she will also change her mind about quitting job once they have to take care bof own expenses.
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We don't know what the girl has in mind and her interest in saving the marriage.

nakshatra1 · Apr 24, 2018

hridhaya said: ↑

I suggested the same but the parents are afraid of boys safety plus the boy has some fear of her now and not sure if she will change
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Living with in-laws is separate matter and beating husband is separate matter . Isolated way I don't see any reason why a couple should live with the guys parents , but if he is afraid of his wife to stay alone with her without he parents then is the marriage really worth keeping ???

hridhaya · Apr 24, 2018

nakshatra1 said: ↑

Living with in-laws is separate matter and beating husband is separate matter . Isolated way I don't see any reason why a couple should live with the guys parents , but if he is afraid of his wife to stay alone with her without he parents then is the marriage really worth keeping ???
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Thats the present question
She refuse to open up about issues and her father seems to support her and wants the boy to oblige

ashneys · Apr 24, 2018

Is she expecting her in laws to pay for the house advance, every month rent n expenses forever on top of insulting n disregarding them n cut contacts with them? He is in a low paying job due to his challenges, he's living with financial help from his parents n she has no interest to work , How is she planning to manage a separate house ?

We get so angry if the husband beats the wife, similarly it's wrong for the wife to beat the husband too. Looks like he's the submissive one n she's the dominant partner. And with all the safety concerns you have raised, wonder how safe it will be for him to move any where with her, we would raise the same concerns if it was the husband abusing the wife as well.

Your sisters point of counselling being the next step is the way to go. I think it's a very mature decision considering all the drama. It is important to understand the base problem of this n sort it out once n for all.

If language is a problem, let them both learn each other's language. I dono how it's done for people with these challenges but am sure there should be some ways.

If financially possible, ask them to move to a bigger house, duplex n give one floor off to them completely. Or apartments right next door. Or a small house right next to their current house. But all this can be done only if both are ready n capable to run a house on their own with the challenges plus manage the financials on their own.

The couple n their parents should go through counselling n find a mid way to sort this out. The couple can continue a few more extra sessions of couples counselling to get a control over the anger n controlling issues. This needs to addressed before moving further. No point leaving the nephew alone with her n he gets abused day in n out.

On top of that, It's important that the couple talks n works this out away from their parents presence as well. Sometimes too many people can spoil any possibility of peace as well.

hridhaya · Apr 24, 2018

nakshatra1 said: ↑

Living with in-laws is separate matter and beating husband is separate matter . Isolated way I don't see any reason why a couple should live with the guys parents , but if he is afraid of his wife to stay alone with her without he parents then is the marriage really worth keeping ???
Click to expand...

In this case, parents support is much needed. She has problems in hearing - who will answer door bells, phone calls..what if a thief breaks in in the night? My nephew works late hours and he comes early mornings. My sis in law was planning to settle into a retirement home once my brother retires. Although my sis in law is in 50s, she has friends of all age groups. So she encouraged her dil to become friends with her young friends so that she has own network. This girl has gone and bad mouthed about my nephew to my sis in law's close friends.