Neighborly Communications

Thyagarajan · May 16, 2019

Agatha83 said: ↑

I grew up in a neighborhood where small independent houses, stood majestically, nestled amid a canopy of Avenue trees, the fresh morning air pregnant with the pungent aroma of blooming flowers, a pleasant scenario which always gave one a heady feeling of having stepped into a heaven.

Separated by a chain fence from neighboring houses, we didn’t have any difficulty in communicating with our neighbors. We had neighbors who were nephews and nieces of ruling ministers of those times, as well as those serving the police department but none of them exhibited their show of pomp or power during their period of stay. Thus our Sunday’s tasty Vengaya sambar and potato roast were exchanged for their fluffy mouth watering vegetable biryanis —a day we all waited in great anticipation with an insatiable appetite. The henna leaves from the trees in our garden, were turned into beautiful intrinsic designs on our palms by the artistic Muslim women next door. Most of the movies we watched, were on free passes offered by our next door police neighbors. Thus we lived in a wonderful community bereft of jealousy or envy, the likes of it which I could never find again!

After marriage, due to shifting of residences in to deep interiors of India, it was a completely shocking change for me, be it culture, language or customs. The neighbors, most of them married women with kids, talked to me in an adult language, punctuated by their naughty body language and boisterous laughter, which was far beyond my comprehension, due to my age and language barrier. Though I was invited for Satyyanarayana Pooja, an event which was performed frequently in most houses, I never relished the invite. What should have been a spiritual occasion to invoke Gods blessings, in fact, turned out to be a casual meeting between ladies for mindless gossiping, mostly related to latest household acquisitions or surreptitious exchange of news, about newly marrieds being in the family way, a frequent embarrassing question always put forward to me by the women. Even if I was down with a slight fever, the entire group of women would turn up at my house with fruits, soup, kichdi etc, in anticipation of some sweet news of the stork visit! Despite the fact that I was speaking Butler English which none could understand, the ladies always revered me for my convent English, calling me convent didi!

After a few years of shifting places, I was back to my dear old chennai, but with a lot more maturity enhanced by my few years of experience of living in rural towns. The first rental house neighbor was a Telugu family, who hardly spoke a word of Tamil. But it was my friendly nature which broke the language barrier. When they casually borrowed a cup of coffe powder, sugar , curd etc initially terming it as an emergency, I happily obliged them. But then when it turned to be a daily occurrence with none of the borrowed items being returned, I became wiser. When asked about the issue politely, they would instantly transform into a dementia patient, sporting a vacant look, and look like someone lost in the crowd!

I had a hand sewing machine, with which I used to alter my blouses, petticoats etc. Sitting in the drawing room I would carry out the occasional mending of my clothes. One day seeing this, my neighbor wanted to help me out with her oversized blouse, which I readily obliged. But the next day I was shocked to see them knocking my door with an oversized bundle of clothes, which I felt was one on the way to the laundry. My heart skipped a beat when they proudly announced that the bundle was in fact clothes they wanted me to mend. They left my premises with a polite message to take my own time. When I realized how my helping nature was taken for granted by people who totally lacked even an iota of civility, I returned the clothes with an apology that my sewing machine was under repair which would take more time. Sure there were broken hearts and broken relationships, which never bonded till the time of my leaving the place.

When I shifted to my own apartment, which was one on the third floor, I had young couples, mostly working in banks, as neighbors who used their home just as a stop over between their working hours. Right from collecting their registered post, couriers, and laundry, I also had the additional responsibility of overseeing the work of their cleaners, taking charge of their house keys and handing it over to their FIL, BIL etc in their absence.

A year after my settling down in my new flat, a new Telugu couple occupied the flat opposite to me. Not knowing Tamil was no deterrent in communicating, because the lady spoke fluent English. With her DH going on long tours due to his job, she had plenty of spare time to chat. She had a cute two year old son, absolutely mischievous, ready to pull out anything he laid his hands on.

This lady would just leave her kid under my care at my home, with a promise that she would finish her household chores within a few minutes and then take him back. But when minutes turned into hours, my lovely pastime turned into an infinite frustration. Lifting the child, who was a chunky one weighing like a junior Md Ali, was sure enough to sap my energy levels. But hey, there was a positive side to this part of daily routine. Yes, there was no need to go to the gym and sweat it out lifting weights and tone my sagging arms!

When the occasional help turned in to a forced labor, I decided to call it quits citing my failing health conditions, I slowly got out of an unnecessary obligation which sure ensured me some reprieve but also caused serious heartburns, with an invisible coldness creeping into our warm communication!

Grinding idli batter, taking my neighbors MIL to doctor, looking after the house during her hospitalization, be it a marriage or a funeral, I was always there for my neighbors, lending a helping hand.

There were neighbors who kept their TV volume at the highest, from morning to night, watching those screaming serials, not bothering about the disturbances they caused to their neighbors. Even a polite plea to reduce the volume levels went unheard because they were stone deaf!

Amid all this annoying experiences I had to deal with my neighbors, there came a frustrating experience, a serious issue, where I had to seek the help of my neighbors. When my DD got an international scholarship for higher studies, getting a Tatkal passport within 15 days, was just like experiencing a real James Bond film in reality, with the time ticking away, and nobody from the higher hierarchy ready to pitch in to attest her identity, because she was a minor. When 2 days were just left for the last day of submitting the documents, a distant neighbor to whom I poured out my woes, immediately took my hand and said “ I will help you”. And help she did which paved a solid way towards a bright future for my DD, and it was that day that my trust in humanity returned!

Shifting of residences, and personal commitments have rendered me an absolute incommunicado, but an occasional peep through the obituary columns, sometimes leaves me sad, for there staring at me, are some smiling faces of my close neighbors, with whom I had the some of the best relationships. I offer a silent prayer, and move on to my routine activities, my mind numbed with a hurricane of sad thoughts and emotions!
Click to expand...

This is yet another brilliant nostalgic post from you.
2. Many among senior IL'ITES COULD easily relate to your narration, especially who had spent their early agile part of their life in a set up with multiple tenants in olden metros and Agraharams in olden Triplicane Mylapore Mambalam and other such places in chennai & interior parts of Tamil Nadu, undivided Andhra Pradesh, Karnataka.
3. Yes. It was routine - Borrowing provisions, coffee powder, grains, edible oils, brooms, vessels, from somewhat better off tenants in adjacent parts of the same ramshackled building and such borrowals either denied flatly or the return of it demanded frowned upon frequently by close sub tenants or co- tenants.
Besides nostalgic, in your Post, these common features of such livings among residents of 1950s & 60s been clearly brought out with humours expressions make the post an interesting entertaining read.
4 Safe house keeping & baby sitting too were part of the routine of cotenants .
A neighbour used to leave her three year old daughter in my custody when I was school student. Being fan of Shivaji Ganesan, she would go with another neighbour lady for matinee show in hot sun , leaving her daughter with food and munchings and she would keep extra advising me too to have it.
5. For listening to radio drama, many would go and sit with a co tenant throwing their dinner time haywire. I gathered in piecemeal Telugu Marathi working knowledge during peace and ruckus times.
Rare edible Oil fumes would indicate, to other tenants what special item being prepared by the lady of the cotenant .
6. Many times one would notice children invade other tenants at right time to have little munchings under preparation. Chit fund schemes were very popular among such tenants and duping the members too were common.
7. As a boy with younger sister and mother, I stayed as sub tenant and cotenant for about eight years in different parts of Triplicane and enjoyed the stay. It helped to have huge friends gang, playing indoor games in summer like carrom, paramapadham, Dhaka kattam, Pallam kuzhi etc.
8. Despite constant threat to privacy, life in general was good and peaceful.
Regards.
God bless.

jskls · May 17, 2019

Ha ha such a good read. Looks like we both sail on the same boat when helping others. Once had watched twins when they were in preschool for 4-5 days ; their mom had delivered another child. When we visited to see the newborn they conveniently forgot to take us to the nursery while they were busy showing the newborn to their other friends. Indian colleague borrows instant Indian coffee at work which I didn’t mind or some cash even in these times. But when asked to share something official they refused. Leave the borrowed items or help offered but they don’t remember to even return the containers And none of them are my neighbors.

Agatha83 · May 17, 2019

jayasala42 said: ↑

Dear Agatha,
Who else other than Agatha can give such an interesting account of the neighbourhood experience.
Why to talk of neighbours? In joint families it is quite common that a cousin uses your clean pressed uniform and shoes and leaves you in problem? A common thing is to take the geometry box and colour pencils, slate or balappum .For many a function ,my cousin would wear the pattu pavadai or silk blouse and make you cry. The generosity or daakshanyam would stand in your way of asking.
'daakshanyam dahana naasam' is the saying.In villages borrowing coffee powder or sugar was quite common. Another one was 'paatala karandi' that is used to take out things fallen into the well. That pathala karandi would never come back and we would be blinking when some object falls into our well.
In chennai, they borrow things like crow bar,mud remover and sometimes broom stick also.
My neighbour planted mango, ashoka and other trees very near to the fence, of course in his ground. All the leaves fell into our plot making a nuisance.We had to sweep all the leaves. Only if the branches have occupied our plot we can politely ask them to cut off the branches.
Leaves are nature's products and we have no authority or control.The neighbour may very well say,"I didn't ask the tree to shed the leaves on your ground. If possible go and tell the tree".
One of our friends , a post master, ( he had no issues) voluntarily helped a child of 10- a handicapped boy),took the child in his scooter and dropped him in the school daily.That was really a great help at the peak hour.On the unfortunate day, near Guindy, a water tanker came in the wrong direction and hit the scooter.The child died on the spot.The post master was in unconscious state for four days. When he recovered.he was informed of the death of the child. He went to console the parents who in their mental agony abused the person for causing the death of the child and that as he was childless he might not realise the mental agony of parents. The postmaster came home. All his help for the two years had gone waste and now he stood as a criminal. he could not digest the happenings.Within ten days he died of stroke.

Too much of generosity is like throwing mud on yourself.
People are ready to take help and may not hesitate to turn the plate on the opportune moment.Sometimes it appears that it is better to say a blunt 'No' on one's face.But many of us are not used to such harsh expressions.
Two years back our neighbour started constructing flats in his plot. The approval was as per norms. But when the actual construction started, they extended the building on our side just to gain 300 s.ft on each floor.
I told him tens of times that being a civil Engineer he knows the rules and it is unbecoming on his part to transgress the rules.He told me that he is building it only after getting permission from Corpn and If needed I can make a complaint to AE ( in writing) .When my husband met AE,(the previous AE had been transfeerred)to Coimbatore,he took immediate action and stalled the construction.We had incur so much of curses,throwing the mud etc and we had so many threatening calls.Meanwhile the other side neighbour also lodged a complaint. After nearly a year, the neighbour had to demolish the twelve pillars and had to fit into the plan.
For nearly one year we had to face threats.
Now the building is almost over.That gentleman came home a month back and apologised for what all happened and said that he was wrongly guided by Corpn officials.
I had to read lot of CMDA rules and regulations in this connection.
Problems are in plenty, not only between neighbouring houses, but stiff competition exists between neighbouring schools, neighbouring shops in jewellery and textiles and even among vegetable vendors ,not to talk of water distribution between neighbouring states.A neighbour should never be too close nor too far. Still we are learning lessons at every event .We are learners for ever.If we try to mend our ways in a particular issue, another problem will be waiting in the Q needing altogether a different type of solution.

Jayasala 42
Click to expand...

Dear Jayasala,

What an expansive FB you have presented here, which is more informative than my write up. I know how some women borrowed gold jewels, just to show off for the marriage functions and how they cheated replacing the original ones, with the fake ones. Many close relationships have come to an end, due to the breach in implicit trust, the lender places on them.
There was this neighbor in our complex who cut down nine mature coconut trees, just because they were home to bats. In Mylapore , Triplicane areas, most of the houses have common walls, absolutely no space between the houses, and windows only in the front. CMDA just turns a blind eye to all the blatant violations going on due to corruption at each level.
Inspite of the invasion of washing machines in the market, they are still some people. Who do hand washing and hang the clothes dripping water, particularly those on the top floor, which in turns dampens the already dried clothes, hanging on the clothes line, on the floor below.
In an apartment there are many such instances which are constant source of annoyance, but we have no other way except to accept or exit.

Agatha83

Agatha83 · May 17, 2019

Thyagarajan said: ↑

This is yet another brilliant nostalgic post from you.
2. Many among senior IL'ITES COULD easily relate to your narration, especially who had spent their early agile part of their life in a set up with multiple tenants in olden metros and Agraharams in olden Triplicane Mylapore Mambalam and other such places in chennai & interior parts of Tamil Nadu, undivided Andhra Pradesh, Karnataka.
3. Yes. It was routine - Borrowing provisions, coffee powder, grains, edible oils, brooms, vessels, from somewhat better off tenants in adjacent parts of the same ramshackled building and such borrowals either denied flatly or the return of it demanded frowned upon frequently by close sub tenants or co- tenants.
Besides nostalgic, in your Post, these common features of such livings among residents of 1950s & 60s been clearly brought out with humours expressions make the post an interesting entertaining read.
4 Safe house keeping & baby sitting too were part of the routine of cotenants .
A neighbour used to leave her three year old daughter in my custody when I was school student. Being fan of Shivaji Ganesan, she would go with another neighbour lady for matinee show in hot sun , leaving her daughter with food and munchings and she would keep extra advising me too to have it.
5. For listening to radio drama, many would go and sit with a co tenant throwing their dinner time haywire. I gathered in piecemeal Telugu Marathi working knowledge during peace and ruckus times.
Rare edible Oil fumes would indicate, to other tenants what special item being prepared by the lady of the cotenant .
6. Many times one would notice children invade other tenants at right time to have little munchings under preparation. Chit fund schemes were very popular among such tenants and duping the members too were common.
7. As a boy with younger sister and mother, I stayed as sub tenant and cotenant for about eight years in different parts of Triplicane and enjoyed the stay. It helped to have huge friends gang, playing indoor games in summer like carrom, paramapadham, Dhaka kattam, Pallam kuzhi etc.
8. Despite constant threat to privacy, life in general was good and peaceful.
Regards.
God bless.
Click to expand...

Dear Thyagarajan,

Having non vegetarians in a complex, we can never escape the foul smell of frying fish. Whenever I made uppuma, my neighbor would be frying fish, leaving me many times in utter confusion whether it was my uppuma which was smelling.
When we were the first ones to own a B/W TV during the Doordarshan days, the Friday and Sunday would be unusually crowded with neighbors, to watch the Oliyum oliyum and old movies, which in turn made our new sofa useless.
Even visiting a close relative nowadays needs prior permission through phone, because most of them have their Netflix time, Amazon prime time and serial time.
When there are scores of games that could be downloaded and played at your own convenience, who needs friends to play with all those outdated games like Pallankuzhi and its likes. That’s why the present generation is less sociable and do not like even their parents invading their privacy!

Agatha83

Thyagarajan · May 17, 2019

Agatha83 said: ↑

Dear Thyagarajan,

Having non vegetarians in a complex, we can never escape the foul smell of frying fish. Whenever I made uppuma, my neighbor would be frying fish, leaving me many times in utter confusion whether it was my uppuma which was smelling.
When we were the first ones to own a B/W TV during the Doordarshan days, the Friday and Sunday would be unusually crowded with neighbors, to watch the Oliyum oliyum and old movies, which in turn made our new sofa useless.
Even visiting a close relative nowadays needs prior permission through phone, because most of them have their Netflix time, Amazon prime time and serial time.
When there are scores of games that could be downloaded and played at your own convenience, who needs friends to play with all those outdated games like Pallankuzhi and its likes. That’s why the present generation is less sociable and do not like even their parents invading their privacy!

Agatha83
Click to expand...

Absolutely right. Hobnobbing almost gone.
Uppuma and fish clash a solid good example of obnoxious aroma.
For the sake of good neighbourly relations one has to keep TV in b & w days keep it on.
Superb skill in weaving and reproducing the olden golden or otherwise moments with choice of apt words in your post deserves also rounds of applause.
Thanks & regards.
God bless.

Agatha83 · May 17, 2019

jskls said: ↑

Ha ha such a good read. Looks like we both sail on the same boat when helping others. Once had watched twins when they were in preschool for 4-5 days ; their mom had delivered another child. When we visited to see the newborn they conveniently forgot to take us to the nursery while they were busy showing the newborn to their other friends. Indian colleague borrows instant Indian coffee at work which I didn’t mind or some cash even in these times. But when asked to share something official they refused. Leave the borrowed items or help offered but they don’t remember to even return the containers And none of them are my neighbors.
Click to expand...

Dear jskls,

Whenever I have new neighbors I will be the first person to introduce myself and offer any help they may need. Nowadays instead of appreciating my good nature, they give me a queer look, making me feel like I am a runaway from the mental asylum.
When I offered carrot halwa to my neighbor, instead of relishing it, she turned critical and said that her DIL made the best ones replete with all the costly nuts like almonds, pistachio etc, one which I couldn’t afford.
Having tasted bitterness in my goodness, I keep to myself nowadays. Thank your valuable FB.

Agatha83

Dhamini · May 17, 2019

It’s very true not only with neighbors but even with many friends. I know many such incidents and all I have learnt is just to limit my own interaction and also don’t expect anything in return. Even close friends at some point have been so self centred and it becomes like we had never ever known them at all. Either we have been too ignorant or they had been too good in maintaining a deceptive behaviour. Nice recollection of your experiences.

Agatha83 · May 17, 2019

Dear Dhamini,

When I started writing this thread I thought I was the only one in the entire world who suffered injustice at the hands of my neighbors, but writing here, made me realize that many of us have had similar experiences. Only when we interact with people closely, we do realize their true colors and having learnt a lesson we turn wise in our future dealings. Thank you Dhamini for your perfect feedback.

Agatha83

Agathinai · May 18, 2019

Makes me think so many of my neighbors who had come across in the past. Whatever you have written had been true in varying degrees and patterns. Enjoyed your thread.

Agatha83 · May 18, 2019

Dear Agathinai,

As your name appears similar to mine I skipped your comment, thinking it to be one of my replies to the FBs. Only after logging in and from my alerts, I realized my mistake. welcome to IL and this snippet section. Glad you enjoyed the post. Thank you Agathinai. Nice name.

Agatha83