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Needy Elder Brother...frustrating To Deal

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by hridhaya, Sep 29, 2018.

  1. hridhaya

    hridhaya Gold IL'ite

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    And I have things on my plate to work on now and I don't feel timing is right for his vacationing. USA is not going anywhere from this planet and so he can make the trip later when it suits me and him.

    My plan would be that he can visit any place after retirement (or around 55 yrs) when he won't be stressed by financial liabilities of his own family. He can take few months off and see places. But who am I say that?
     
    sindmani and Amulet like this.
  2. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    Since you are relocating to a new place, let him know you need some time to settle down and once you feel you have settled tell him that you will inform him and he can then plan a trip there.. . I'm sure this is actually the case because you need time in the new place..
     
  3. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    I am planning to be one heck'va sweet sweet MIL.
    For this forum, when one seeks a brain storm, the brains have to storm to get all the ideas out in the open.... no?
    I am sure the OP as well as @nakshatra1 are also enjoying all the inputs, not just mine.
    We only know one side of the family story, and have to guess to fill in the gaps in the various personalities and their vested interests. The goal of each one would (naturally) be to have a good life for themselves, and their dear ones.
     
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  4. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    It appears that this USA-visit-proposal is a nightmare making you lose sleep. When someone says they want to come visit, you'd certainly say, "why of course, you will come and visit", and then deal with it in the fullness of time.
    Life is full of current facts on the ground to deal with. You should not lose sleep over long away future propositions that are either good or bad.
     
    suasin, yellowmango and hridhaya like this.
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    This.

    Op you have not even relocated tp US and you are already tense.
    Looks like you worry too much and are high strung while your brother is not.

    Your brother is paying his home loan .He is also looking for another loan. Banks don't hand out loans to normal people unless they have the capability to pay back. He must be earning enough and living a good life. Not everyone has to leave property and a bank balance behind. Most people leave majority of their earning behind after they leave.
    You may be a saver and he likes to live life.
    He has one child.
    May be living a good life is his plan.

    As long as he is not asking you for money for his living ....it is fine.
    He doesn"t have to wait for retirement to enjoy life or visit places.

    Once you are settled in US ,tell him he is welcome whenever he can afford the vacation .
     
    beingmom and sindmani like this.
  6. hridhaya

    hridhaya Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks to all who took time to reply. The thing that prompted me to open this thread was because I was disgusted at my brother's attitude of pushing the envelope or his sneaky attitude. He is stubborn natured and
    less tactful when it comes to his affairs.

    @yellowmango
    Yes, I worry more because members in my family are irresponsible. Keeping that aside,
    I have nothing against him taking a trip but I wish I be consulted properly.

    Anyway I just want to be out of this entanglement. I will be meeting him in person soon and I feel awkward to talk about this. He very recently informed me he is applying for passport for his wife without stating the purpose. I can find out from her what he is up to.

    His trip may happen or may not happen but am sad at the way relationships turn sour.
     
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2018
  7. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    First of all good job , u are doing more than many daughters doing(may not be ideal share though ) . I feel the matter is more about attitude problem of ur bro than about dividing responsibilities. Actually it is very difficult to do comparison , as u both taking responsibility of parents, but qualitatively/quantitatively different- very difficult to say who is not doing their fair share. He feels he is entitled to more monetary support from u because of the burdens he has, u feel u are doing more than ur fair share .Everyone will have different opinion. At the end of he day, peace of mind matters most for quality of life, so u decide how u will get that- by giving in to his demands or by being more firm n saying no.
     
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2018
  8. DXBDesi

    DXBDesi Silver IL'ite

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    You know that thing about spending time when one is healthy in earning money, and then stopping only after one is unable to enjoy with that money because he/she is too old? There are many witty way the crux of this message is thrown about, but the idea is the same

    If it is his money , he can go to US or anywhere. of course in some cultures its expected that host will pay for food, but if he can pay for tickets, then let him....
     
  9. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Your mother's attitude seems to have rubbed off on him. Yes, tickets are huge expense
    And then sightseeing would add up.
     
  10. hridhaya

    hridhaya Gold IL'ite

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    Quick update - I called my brother to talk something and he told me about the other purchase that he wants to make. He told me the purchase cost and the extra interest that he needs to pay the bank. He said something in the lines of .."without interest, I need to pay X amount and with interest I need to pay Y amount or Z amount more than X". He didn't directly ask me for money. Am I just assuming he is in need of money. I don't know.

    What should I do? Should I loan him interest free and ask him to pay me back monthly?
    Our original plan was that my brother could open a RD account in my mother's name and deposit there. My husband and I didn't prefer him paying interest to some bank as it is unnecessary.
     

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