Needy Elder Brother...frustrating To Deal

Here are a couple of snippets to show that @hridhaya is the cause, and the scaffold to prop up the behavior of her brother's. If a 40+ year old householder wants a loan from the bank to do something, and the bank's loan officer is willing to forward the dough, the sister, or anyone else, poking her/their nose into the scheme is not too clever.

Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.​

Loans between friends or relatives would surely kill the friendship/relationship. If that is the plan, it is cheaper to kill the relationship before giving the loan, and save the money. You don't need a diplomatic answer. The same bank that loans him the money can easily loan him more for a US visa and ticket. Those who dont let adults do adulty things are to blame when they behave childish.

you are not helping yourself or them by continuing your behavior. You need professional counseling.

 

The problem is the abusive people always get away with bad/inappropriate behavior and demands. The good people have to always maintain the relationship by giving in to demands which causes them great frustration.

If he can shamelessly force his expenses upon u, u also need not worry to behave bluntly with him. Please find ur voice and tell him he can't expect from u, u have ur own family to take care of. Speak politely but firmly, and don't entertain discussion on the same topic again and again. But always be polite and brief; When we speak against exploitation, atleast some change will be there. Just to warn u it may not be a permanent solution. When u don't speak up they demand ur hard earned money for luxuxries , but when u start speaking up they may still continue to exploit u by manipulating/lying/acting pathetic and making up imaginary financial problems, but atleast they cant shameless demand ur hard earned money with attitude of entitlement. This itself does help a lot for ur peace of mind.
In the end its ur hard earned money so noone else should have an entitlement upon it.

 

Op....cut your brother some slack.
He was born in the same dysfunctional family like you.
He still lives with the narcisstic mother with no chance of a respite.
You got married and got away from her.

Your parents are as much your responsibility as your brothers. You are moving further away from your parents leaving all physical and emotional responsibility on your brother.

May be a visit to the US is his little dream of a short getaway from the never ending pain of living in a dysfunctional family. Not only him,even his child is growing up in that family.

Have some sympathy for him.

No....don't give him financial help.
Let him take the loan himself.( Has he asked you for a loan? Doesn't look like so )
Instead send money to parents so that they have the money they need.

Buy good medicare plan for them so that the burden on your brother reduces if parents fall sick .
Taking care of sick elders is exhausting . Atleast he will not have to worry about finances.

As far as US visit is concerned....let him dream .
Tell him you are financially tight and he can save and come when he can afford.

If you are doing well and can save up and send him the tickets in a few years ...then do so.

Consider it a payback for letting you move away from a narcissitic mother and dysfunctional family without guilt.

 

I agree completely with @yellowmango .No matter how abusive parents may be, son and his family can have no escape. He is taking that burden alone for OP. So OP should take the financial responsibility of parents.

 

YM's post had changed your opinion on the elder bro' !!
The elder bro is not Abusive, but clever. How so..you ask. Let me explain:

The man knows how to play the sister, as well as how to pitch his play with the brother in law. The BIL is a sweet dH who thinks by supporting his wife's relatives with his wealth/earnings he would be getting love(goodluck?) points with his dW. He may not fully know his dW's feelings about her own family. He may not know that she thinks her lot is totally dysfunctional/mean/manipulative/etc. She had not told him that, lest he think she may also have been tainted by all that manipulative stuff. In such a situation (a Nobel prize winning political-economist calls this situation "Information Asymmetry), the clever Elder Brother can pit the BIL against the sister.

Here is a future scenario:
The clever Brother had already privately planted the USA visit idea/dream with his BIL. And once the BIL/sister family is in the USA, he will likely email/whatsapp only his BIL about the plan/schedule etc.. The innocent BIL with the need to increase his love-points with his own dW would secretly send money to his BIL for the expenses (visa, ticket, affidavit of support etc), all the while imagining what a wonderful surprise it would be for his lovely wife, if her dear-brother showed up all of a sudden at the door-step in New Jersey, USA.

And all along the sister (our dear OP) is not telling her husband that she despises her brother and the whole lot of them at her parental home; but her dH has no clue of any of this.

If the sister (our OP) keeps up cloaking her real feelings about her home to her husband, she will put her own marriage in jeopardy. Imagine the scene, where she blames her husband for secretly dumping her nasty brother on her peaceful American home. Her husband blames her for not telling him in time that she hates her whole family, and he never knew that helping them is not what she would appreciate, and he did all that for because of his love, and for her appreciation... and eventually got blamed. yada yada.....fight==> shouting matches ==> divorce court.

The OP ought to nip it in the bud.

YM's idea of sending money to parents, and having elder brother ask mummy for money would be a clever way to pit needy elder brother against narcissistic mummy. A take-that-for-tat kind of punishment.

 

It has not changed my opinion, in-fact I have given similar opinion already much before.But nothing wrong in changing opinion after getting new/better perspectives and @yellowmango has given that .

But I definitely don't think OP should be responsible for her brother's own luxuries . If he has so much entitled attitude for himself, she needs to keep him in check.She is not responsible for him.But she has to do her fair share for parents directly/indirectly.Again, "fair share" like medical and essential expenses and not just giving money freely which will go to brother.

I do agree with u that OP needs to be more open with her DH about her feelings towards her brother,because her DH seems to have more sympathy for bro(as he is offering to give loan when her bro is ready to take from bank). She needs to communicate properly to her DH else he will get manipulated.Her DH seems to have a completely different attitude and not aware of the realities of her bro's nature.

 

All I will say Amulet, is I am glad you are not someone I have to deal with in a cross-purpose situation, haha, you can that that as a compliment (!)

 

Yeah I feel scared to defend myself with @Amulet ☺️

 

don bring money between you and brother. let his take loan from bank.