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Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Trustcarelove, Jul 12, 2017.

  1. Trustcarelove

    Trustcarelove Silver IL'ite

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    My old Thread: Problem With Younger Cosister


    Dear all,
    I am back again looking to vent out and opinions from you all. I went to my brother's wedding, stayed up in my inlaws place for 10 days on and off, husband spent little more time with them, kids were with me..DH was good in contributing his part in the wedding, i got to stay extra 5 days in my parents place once DH and older son came to US. One thing happened here is my ILs never came to the wedding pointing out their health, the best part is they didn't even ask me once how it went and sorry couldn't come..it was just a cold war b/w us..and the very nice part here is my DH was supportive here and told his parents should have mom and felt sorry to my parents and brother...Since I stayed 5 extra days in my parents place my MIL was showing faces, very rude voice to the point she asked me, why am i calling her??
    I felt very hurt, stopped calling them often, just once a week when my DH chats to show the kids online...
    My FIL had medical issues and he has to undergo dialysis treatment, then i started calling them again just once a week to check how things are going...

    After we came to US, my SIL baby shower happened...they invited like 30 families, Went there, did my job, function went good, came back......In the mean time, I use to check her on atleast 2-3 times a week to see how things are going, how is her health..this has been happening since she got pregnant...

    My DH was telling me, we have to go there, stay there atleast 2-3 days to help them...so and so....I kind of told my office too for the leave...The Big day came,..she was in labor, ofcrs they didn't call to tell...when i was calling to check on their doctor appt that day, my BIL told she is into labor and they may go to the hospital that night..i was excited, checking on few times ( BTW, it was a girl, I have 2 boys, I love girl baby, most of my excitment was from that) ...my husband suggested we dont have to go now, we will wait until the baby is born...after the baby is born, my husband told my BIL that we will come ans stay...they said they dont need any help now...and he has 2 weeks off, so no issues..and we can come later to see the baby..

    the baby was born on Friday, we couldn't wait any longer, so we went on Saturday and came back the same day..they were in the hospital..ofcrs, if you all thinking, if i made idli batter and cooking,,yes i did...that was the reason we went on saturday, so that i can some food for them and take it...

    Baby was born on 16th, I have been regulartly in touch with ny BIL and cosister to see how things were..all i got was everything goign good..

    29th, my husband had to go to India on an emergency, bcos my FIL went missing, he went out and didn;t come back for more than 24 hrs...before my husband's first leg of flight was about to leave, we got the news that he came back home...but we decided to stay with his plan and go to India.

    July 2nd was baby's 16th day- we as a tradition dont go to pooja room until then, and we dont do punyadhanam, but we just take head bath and wear vasambu valayal and that kind of stuffs to baby...i did just as a simple pooja at home for both the boys just keeping sweet pongal as prasadam...

    so, now my BIL wanted me and the kids ( we were alone at home, DH was in india) to come their for the weekend..i Worked on that Monday July 3rd..I hardly get to spend time with my kids, and when my husband is out of town, i usually clean and declutter stuffs after kids go to bed in the night..so, as soon as he was on the flight, my mind was set for that...but i checked with my DH that his brother is calling us and if i had to go there...he said, dont trouble the kids with 3 hrs drive and all..so i told my BIL that i would liek to skip coming that weekend..told him will come the following weeks..

    I have not been getting proper response from BIL or my cosister after July 2nd...they dont pick my call, one word reply...

    My DH came from India yesterday, told me that they have to move to different state temporarily for visa issues ( LCA issues) and they will come back to where they are now after that is resolved..i told my DH to tell his brother to leave my cosister and the baby at our place until this is all resolved.. ( ofcrs i didn't know anything about them leaving, neither my BIL or cosister told me about it) ..

    MY DH called BIL yesterday after he reached and he started accusing my DH that we were not there to help them with the delivery and i didn;t go to the 16th day pooja...

    My DH is really fed up of his brother's behaviour and couldn't take up anymore..

    Any thoughts or options..this is more a vent.but any suggestions is appreciated.

    sorry for the long post.
     
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  2. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Please don't hate me for saying this, but you are in a way instrumental for your BIL/ SIL. The problem is you are too nice and generous ( You not only went all out to host them but also gave them idli batter to take away) . They do not deserve any of it and could care less for you or your hospitality. After putting in all that effort , it is natural to feel the way you do. The lesson here should be that don't over do anything, including being nice and generous ! It will never be appreciated. Wean yourself off these people, focus on yourself and your family . Don't waste any second of your time thinking about them and if you have extra idli batter, pass it along !
     
    sangeethakripa and sindmani like this.
  3. Trustcarelove

    Trustcarelove Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you sandycandy for your thoughts..I understand what you are saying. I took one step back after all what happened, keeping my distance, but now they are angry at us that we were not there to help. I have no regrets on my recent actions but I wanted to feel how others would have done in the same situation.
     
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  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    You took the first step of distancing yourself.
    The next step is to stop caring about what they feel or say.
    You spoilt them....now they will throw tantrums. You can ignore them or go on a guilt trip after the punishment and spoil them more.
    You decide. It is all in your hand.
     
  5. Trustcarelove

    Trustcarelove Silver IL'ite

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    I understand Yellowmango. I am not feeling guilty. But, the best part here is they are angry with us that we were not there for delivery ( My Bilsaid not to come) and I didn;t go for the 16th day pooja, so my cosister ( even though I feel irritated with her behaviour and actions, I never showed any faces and I did everything what I could do during her pregnancy ) too didn;t even utter a word that they are leaving to another city...One thing here is my husband is all frustated with the level of stress he had to handle being there for this parents, his brother's tantrum, he told me yesterday not to contact them anymore..if they respond them, we will then deal with it..I just feel bad for my husband at this time..
     
  6. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    You have done a lot for them. Don't have any regrets. Let it go.

    It's now time for you to take a back seat in all matters related to your BIL and co-sis. Let your DH take the lead. Don't interfere, don't advise. Just support him silently and get on with your life.
     
    Dishaa likes this.
  7. Trustcarelove

    Trustcarelove Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you Amica for your thoughts. Sorry, since I received more responses on the other thread, i missed to follow on this..
     
  8. sumzaya

    sumzaya Gold IL'ite

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    You r too gud at heart.. tht is the reason u feel soo bad. I also suggest you to follow ur hus. There is a limit for everything..
    Some ppl are like that they may forget 100 gud things v hav done..and struggles to find out 1 negative just to blame us .
    U mite be eager to see tht cute baby girl(i guess). After some days evrythn will b ok hope so...
    Now after reuniting just keep a limit in offering help and caring her... Or else u may fall again in the same scenario...
    God bless
     

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