1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Need your perspective on my Indian family: TRIGGER WARNING

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Loving2011, Dec 24, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    17,880
    Likes Received:
    25,953
    Trophy Points:
    590
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Loving,

    I am really pained to read about what all you have been through. I want to say a couple of things here.

    1. Divorcees are not looked down upon in India. They have become more common than they were probably a couple of decades ago. People too are too busy these days trying to run their own lives to be concerned about another person's personal life. May be some grandmom/aunty types may click their tongues sympathetically/pityingly if at all. Very soon they will find something else to click their tongues at.

    2. You were abused by your step dad and your mom did nothing to stop him. I agree with Shanvy when she says that she was probably too insecure and wanted to cling on to her mom no matter what the consequences. That was her weakness. But you do not need to be bound by her insecurities. If you feel like doing that even today (and if it is not too late to do so), file a complaint against your step dad even today. Your mom has allowed you to suffer all these years. Let her sort out her own problems in future without holding you to ransom for that. If you feel confronting them will help you feel better, do so. And do visit a counsellor and get some therapy. Time to get up and get moving on with your life.
     
    2 people like this.
  2. hemalathaK

    hemalathaK Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,460
    Likes Received:
    1,062
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear loving, I agree with what Satchi said.If you would feel better and relieved by filing a complaint against your step dad and your mom, please go ahead and do it.You were just 12 years then and the pain and fear you might have gone through at that age brings tears in my eyes.I empathize you dear.I just feel like killing your step dad and mom.
     
  3. Loving2011

    Loving2011 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    291
    Likes Received:
    183
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you all for the empathic replies and I appreciate that nobody has accused me of lying (an Indian man did do that on yahoo answers). I've calmed down a bit since I wrote that post, but I was hurt and feeling as if I've been lied to. I can't help but wonder why couldn't I be born into a normal Indian family just I just don't understand why my parents keep using the "This is a part of our culture" excuse, unless they themselves were raised that way with their parents. I would like to clarify some things.

    As Oprah says, "We don't tell anyone about the sexual abuse because it wasn't safe to do so." To make a long story short, that's exactly how I felt from the age of 12 to 24. I have a feeling that nothing would have been done back then. I was showing clear signs of being sexually abused, but nobody seemed to suspect anything. I was accused of being a bad child by my principal and therapists, and was constantly reminded about how nice and loving my parents were. As my boss says, "A child's behavior is their language. Watch for what kind of messages they're sending out." In a way, I was letting other adults know "Please help me."

    I have consulted with lawyers, and they said there's a lack of evidence to make a strong case. I've also known survivors (friends and clients of mine) that have pressed charges only to witness the abuser being let scott free. It's not an easy process, and it's not something I'm interested in doing now. I just want to be happy and don't want additional stress.


    I'm not 25, but am going to be 29. I have been living on my own for the past 3 years. I didn't realize that I could control my life until I was 24 when I started to seek therapy with a white psychologist that specialized in sexual abuse.


    I have been in therapy for a good 4 years now. My current and my old therapist agree that setting boundaries with my mom is going to be one of the most difficult things to do. They have also said "I'm so surprised that you got out of that house given what they put you through. Most people don't leave."

    I thought about deleting this thread, but I'm going to leave it up.
    While it's not fair to say that most Indian families are like mine, I'm sure there's someone else in a similar situation. One of the most rewarding things I can do in my life is to save someone else.
     
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2011
    1 person likes this.
  4. Loving2011

    Loving2011 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    291
    Likes Received:
    183
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Edit..don't think this post is needed at the time.
     
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2011
  5. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,627
    Likes Received:
    1,636
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    It was good to read your post...glad you are in therapy and that it helps you place the blame exactly where it belongs. Here's an insight a very good friend shared-the uncertainty never goes away, not completely-but it does get better. Here's to a happy life.
     
    1 person likes this.
  6. Vennella

    Vennella Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    375
    Likes Received:
    371
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Loving,

    I see two issues highlighted in your post. 1. Abuse 2. Indian parenting. I will try to give you my opinions.

    Divorce and re-marriage is not uncommon in India. Having said that, it is uncommon for the previous generation (your mom's age). I am close to your age, and I have not heard/seen many instances of divorce/remarriage in my parents' family/friends. But, it definitely is not a crime. You pointed out that your biological father was violent. So, it probably was better for your mom to just hush up the whole thing.

    Your mom might have been extremely grateful to have found your step-dad after her broken marriage, and that might be the reason for her idolization. But what he did to you is not normal. You keep asking about "controlled parenting in India". If you think sexual abuse like you experienced "happens in all Indian families" and it is "quite normal", you are wrong. Your mom had committed the biggest blunder in not coming to your rescue. As a mother, she failed. To cover up her weak nature, she gave you the explanation of "Indian culture" and maybe that was her escape route as well. Pedophiles and sex offenders are common in any culture. Though child abuse is a heinous crime in the US, you still hear about people like Jerry Sandusky! So, they are everywhere, not just in Indian culture. In any culture it is a punishable crime.

    Sorry to say this, but your ex-boyfriend is a jerk. I am so glad to hear you broke up with him. You don't need more negative people in your life. He just didn't believe you, he had no respect for you, didn't take you seriously enough. I don't think you should even give his comments any more serious consideration. If I can give you my advice, please look for a guy who treats you with respect and loves you and believes you. Whether he is Indian, American, Italian or Chinese shouldn't matter, if you find true love :)

    Please only share your most personal details with your close friends. Why would you want to disclose your details to some random people you just know?

    Finally, forget about your past. I know it is easier said than done. I have read your other posts, and must insist that you need to gradually get away from your mom's influence. After everything, you still let her pressurize you about marriage and dating indian men? Don't you think you have had enough?
     
  7. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,327
    Likes Received:
    1,508
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I was accused of being a bad child by my principal and therapists, and was constantly reminded about how nice and loving my parents were.

    Loving2011,therapists are meant to help children or adults thru a stressful situation not tell them how good they have it. If you had everything good you wudnt have gone to them. Long story short you shud have changed to somebody good. You didnt get the help you needed then and it made you more conflicted in things happening around you.

    Why did you move out when you were 24. Why not before. If I were in your place , I wud have moved out long before that.

    "Your parents treat you like a child, because you act like one. Start acting like an adult and your parents will respect you."

    This is a callous statement . You are not the person who needed to act like an adult. But it was your parents who had to grow up to you being an adult.They were the ones who cudnt let go.Your parents especially your mom has a crazy idea that what she thinks you need to grow up to be you shud do the same. Parents cannot make kids personalities how much ever they breathe down their necks. She needs to realize it.In the long run you need to please yourself not your parents. If it makes them angry let it be. They are angry becoz you are asserting your personality apart from them and not according to their wishes.

    Take one step at a time and become your own person. Chances are it will take some time but it will be worth it and you will be a new person . A new person who is her own person. Try to take some painting or art classes develop your own taste to doing things. Decorate your own place. In that way you will slowly become your own person. Dont ask or take anybody's opinion as to how it is. Its your space or your hobby you can do as you wish.It will one small step in the right direction.

    we learn about men from our dads.

    We do learn about men from our dads. But at the same time you dont want an abusive, condescending person for a boyfriend right. Maybe at a low point you chose him , the fact that you dumped him shows you are becoming your own person.

    Your mom may have chosen your step dad over plenty of reasons but she failed to protect you in return.That says a lot of things about your childhood.Your mom chose your stepdad over you shudnt make you feel cheap. Becoz this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your mom's cold behaviour.

    Your mom was worried about security instead of you. It shudnt make you feel down . Instead you shud have made plans to get out of the house sooner becoz you were neither protected nor cherished . Except forcing her own ideas on you, your mom hasnt been much of a mom. She was worried about her reputation hence didnt want to disclose about your stepdad. She was worried about her security hence didnt want to talk about your abuse. She was worried about whom you will date hence wanted you to run thru her any indian man you met. She wanted you to date an indian man. Where are you here?What is your choice.I wud have run from such a mom sooner . I dont know what made you stop.

    I will repeat again your ex was a disgruntled nut at best. Your mom was scared to let go. She wanted to live in her perfect world where she can force her ideas on you and be called a great mom .Its not you but they who were unprepared. You bf was scared u will see the world and not listen to his half baked ideas about the entire world. So its not you but them.

    Setting boundaries with your mom is good. The boundaries shud be you dont have to listen to her condescending advice about everything. You shud form your own opinion.

    Your mom is being destructive with both her kids lives. Your brother if you think can be helped shud be helped too. If what your mom is doing is called taking care, then I wud be worried about your brother. See if you can get him some help he needs .Good Luck.
     
  8. Loving2011

    Loving2011 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    291
    Likes Received:
    183
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Chocolate-Here my reasons why I took so long to leave.

    1) I seriously thought that my family was normal, since I had nothing to compare it too. Since other Indians told me that my parents were very nice and liberal, I believed them over my own gut instincts. It was my therapist at age 24 that told me that "Your mom is a narcissist, and you need to get out." Before that, I was in massive denial. I wasn't ready to process my sexual abuse until I was 24.

    2) I thought that I couldn't survive on my own or that I would fail. Years of emotional/verbal abuse affected my confidence. Since I was told that I couldn't make it on my own, I believed it.

    3) Financial hardship. Not only was I told that I didn't have enough money, I myself didn't feel comfortable supporting myself as a full-time student. Since I already had loan debt for school alone, I didn't want to take out more for living expenses. As for working full-time while being a full-time student? I wanted to focus on grades ,so I could do the best I could. My education is what got me here today being independent anyway.

    4) Mental health issues-I struggled with severe depression and anxiety that affected my ability to work in college. With no job, I wouldn't have money to support myself. I needed to work on my mental health issues first before I could go out and function in the world.

    I hope that explains things. With all of that in place, it was just easier to stay at home and not deal with the problems, especially when nobody was supporting me to move out. My therapist at the time said "Your mom is good at manipulating. It's going to be hard for you to leave that house." My successful escape plan was to finish my masters degree, save up several thousand dollars and secured a job out of state.
     
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2011
  9. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,139
    Likes Received:
    3,938
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    There is something seriously wrong with your mom, something going on with her which is causing her feed you all this crap. Maybe you can come back and figure it out later, even save her maybe but right now you need to save yourself first. How many chances are you going to give her even though she has done so many toxic things to you? When are you going to say enough? First cut her off, and cease all contact with her. IT is hard she is the only parent you know but you have to do it. Next work with the crap she has filled your head with, it will take a lot of conscious work but you have to identify every toxic crap statement from her that repeats in your head and influences your behaviuor and conditions your reactions and replace it with an empowering freeing positive statement. Take chances, make conscious choices. Do things you wanted to do and were told not to at age 12 thru 24 but were told not to becos 'Indians dont behave that way.' Tkae small steps first and controlled risks till you gain confidence.

    One way to look at it is that you are 29 years old but you know nothing about what you really are or want or like. You are swaddled from head to toe in your mother's expectations and edicts. This is a journey to unwrap the layers and discover who you really are and to enjoy it.

    Good Luck!
     
    1 person likes this.
  10. GeethaMR

    GeethaMR Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    314
    Likes Received:
    76
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    In an abuser-abused relationship, the abused victim does not gather the courage to leave the abusers. This is due to the fact that the abuser is a known person who can positively or negatively affect the abused victim's confidence and mindset. When the abuser selfishly praises the victim, the victim "feels good". At the same time, when the abuser starts physical or verbla abuse, the victim feels that he or she must have "done something wrong" to get this behaviour. Thus the abuser and his/her companion ( your dad and mom, in this case) form a closed "Good cop - Bad cop" behavioural cycle.

    I would like to provide an example. When I was studying History and Human behaviour, a case study was that of polygamist cultures abducting, abusing and finally accommodating the kidnapped girl in their harem. Here, a girl/woman who was captured in war or raid would be subjected to constant abuse by the abusers. This long abuse would successfully break her resilience. Being left with no choice, she and others like her would not be able to escape. Then, the earlier captives or wives of the abusers would try to sympathise with the newly captyred and help them in their day-to-day activities. Often due to relentless abuse, the captive would fall pregnant and this would even strongly tie her to the abuser. Then the captive would have no option to return as the "stigma" of being abused and carrying the abuser's baby would leave her stranded. Thus, from the polygamist aggressor's view, another slave was "successfully assimilated." Thus, firstly by abusing, then by demoralising, then by sympathy, the abused victim undergoes a transformation where she identifies with the abuser and is in a state of confusion throughout.

    Your therapist is indeed right. By getting out of the ABUSIVE ECOSYSTEM, you have done a superb thing. I am not stating this to falsely boost your confidence or make you feel good. But, because getting out is very difficult for a person. In some severe cases, the abuser dies and the abused victim falls into severe depression ! Such behaviour is seen in cults. However, that is beyond this thread.

    I am nobody to suggest you to do something. But my simple advise to you is appreciate and treasure the fact that now you are truly out of the ABUSIVE ECOSYSTEM. The thoughts and recollections of the past will come to you. But however, try to only observe them and not argue, deny or be angry or rationalize your thoughts. Watch your mind and let those thoughts flow. It is like watching by being an un-involved observer. When you reach a stage where you are successfully observing but not being affected by these thoughts, you will then be free from the trap of "Why". In the meanwhile, also take charge of your happiness.

    Geetha
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page