1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Need Your Guidance To Make This Final Decision

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Jan 23, 2018.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    5,164
    Likes Received:
    10,157
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks @nuss
    It feels so refreshing to hear positive stories of real life cases.

    I am actually feeling better about the fact that I didn't give up this time, but moved at least an inch towards making my spouse responsible. I understand that he needs so much external push, and I accept that I was not that great in pushing him positively in the past.
    I try, but I get fed up so quickly. As you said, it takes so much efforts to actually believe there are people who are not willing to achieve what they should do, despite of having all the qualifications in hand. But now, I understand there are different extremes.
    I came from a family where everyone worked so hard regardless of their barriers to uplift their life style to a different level.
    But sadly, my H and all his family depended on their extended relatives to sponsor their living and other needs. All they did was to curse those uncles, who refuse to help or conducted poojas to make the other uncles stay generous always.
    They are all educated, and spent a lot of money to attain their qualifications, yet they don't see any reasons to work or earn independently for their needs.
    Nevertheless, I am not gonna give up now. I am not sure how far I can make him to take responsibilities, but I feel there is no harm in trying.
    If God's blessings are with me, I hope my H will at least find a good job to clear his own debts. This way, he will at least smell the taste of being independent and earning. Hopefully the rest will fall in place.

    What you have described about your BIL is what I see in my H too.
    His obsessions about expensive gadgets, and accessories, that too when we suffered bad finances.
    He has a collection of all the expensive cloths, gadgets and what not. And not to mention.... he buys the same for myself and the kids if he has cash in hand.
    He doesn't think about savings at all. He has no plans about present or future financial needs like kid's school fees, or any other burning such as medical or emergency. He will conveniently look up on me when such burdens come. But when he has money (of course he gets bonus, and allowances time to time), he spends them all.

    I repeatedly tell him that I don't mind about his luxurious spending. But all I want him is to look for a better job, so that he could earn more and spend more, while paying off his debts, and contributing for the family simultaneously. Now a days, he keeps on spending more, while earning very little. That's why he is in debts.

    Nevertheless, I continue to keep my priorities clear. The option#2 is still in my mind. Perhaps, I may let go of this offer now. But I will continue to apply for similar positions to see how soon I could grab such a career when things are at least under my control (Mom's health, kid's age etc).
    Because, I can't always hope for a change. I believe, I too need to do something about the change.

    There are mountains of financial needs that I see before us. Kids are growing, and their education, future etc
    Besides, we are getting older and there are medical needs too.
    And we can't always work energetically like this. So, when age and other factors are in our favor, we must do something. That's my motto.

    Hope, one day like your sister, I too will get to enjoy my life with all the well deserved peace and luxuries

    Thanks again for all your support.
     
  2. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    5,164
    Likes Received:
    10,157
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    From where did you get this news that my H doesn't spend money on unwanted stuff? And spends the same on my PIL's medical emergencies... haha....
    I would appreciate if you could read my OP and other posts for clarity.

    Thanks Pinky
    I have been doing this round after round each time I feel like we are stuck financially.
    Each time, he sits with me, listens and promise that he will take responsibility.
    The next couple of months would go smooth, as he would show extra responsibility like contributing for a saving, taking up extra projects and what not.
    I would be flattered, and feel like all my pains were paid off.
    But unfortunately, this won't last long.

    After a couple of months or so, he would return to his original self. Either loosing his job suddenly, or changing his career to some lower positions (always without notifying me). Sometimes, he would suddenly stop the extra support for a month or two, and then slowly stop them altogether citing other issues, like mounted up credit cards etc.
    You know, actually he used to swipe his credit cards to give us further support, so that he could shut my mouth. But this can't go on and on for long na... Then he has to stop and face the reality. This cycle never ends. My fate.

    But after studying him properly, I've made him not to swipe more on his credit cards, but take initiatives to at least pay them back.
    Besides, I believe more support at this point for the family is only possible if he could earn more. That's what I am pushing him forward.
    Else, with all his personal spending, and FOO's demand, he can't spare a rupee for the family if he continues with this convenient job.
     
  3. priyanka12345

    priyanka12345 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    463
    Likes Received:
    158
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Do you think this will end if he keeps on paying and using more amount than paid? HE can spend thrice the amount he pays and this can never end.
    You need to ask him to stop using those cards other than making payments towards it. Have a time limit as per your calculation when the soonest he can repay back the loan.
    He can use debit card and manage his expenses accordingly with money he has every month.

    dont give up. things will fall in place. When he sees the change he has to do in his daily routine, he will take it seriously. if he is making some expenses for his parents which are not needed he will start saying no to them as well.
    For now he pays 5K and he gets to spend thrice the amount.he also shows that as excuse that he is paying for loan.
    Not sure if I have understood it wrongly..


    Another way is through kids. Even you can ask kids to ask any new things they want to Dad.Any new classes etc can be taken from him. Let him handle them once in a while. even if he deny's them for some months he will feel the pinch when they ask for some toys/books etc again and again.
     
  4. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    5,164
    Likes Received:
    10,157
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    I answered almost all these pointers in my previous post itself. Nevertheless, I repeat it here for you :)

    To make him pay his debt (as monthly installments or fully) and to stop him from swiping the credit card, I need to ensure that he has a good bank balance, right.
    With his present salary, and the EMIs that he has committed, it is impossible that he can go on for a long time without credit cards. His debit cards will be unusable if his account has zero savings.
    That's why I have advised him to look for a job that pays him at least double the salary he is getting now. The positive part here is that he is capable of getting such good posts, as he is a qualified fella.
    I know that he won't do that on his own, as it takes loads of patience and constant trials to secure such posts. So, I decided to give him the needful push, not just by "talking/advising", but also by applying for him (of course a tiring task, but I will do that for him).
    This way, he will be pushed towards a better job, and hopefully he can get one soon.
    And if that happens, he can have a great salary, from which he can pay off his debts, while keeping his credit cards inactive (perhaps, I can keep them with me).
    And of course he will have some handy bank balance, so that he can use his debit cards instead.

    And if he could stay in such good jobs for sometimes, hopefully he will see the taste of it. And that's how I am expecting a change in his path.

    A huge way to go. But I have taken the first step already, and looking forward to see a change asap.
    Besides, I believe, if he could earn just as me, our savings can be multiplied in no time. I don't even need to try for option#2 for the same.

    In any case, I keep my option#2 on hold for now. If things won't fall in place as I want, then I can find my own way.
     
  5. priyanka12345

    priyanka12345 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    463
    Likes Received:
    158
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Ok got it. But why are you thinking about his credit card payment or if he has good balance etc. The problem is this. You change your actions thinking about all this beforehand. Does he really know the situation he is in if he cannot make any swipes from credit card. If he can go on for some months without swiping the card and paying only the loan let him. HE will understand how difficult it is to cut down on his lifestyle and luxuries.

    Simultaneously looking for job is good idea and the above situation will make him be serious for a good job as well.
    Right now agreeing for good job hunt is ok, you applying for it is also fine with him but were is the push for him to really do try for it considering how lazy he is. Even if for months push him so much that he knows how it is with lack of money is what is missing I feel.
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    5,164
    Likes Received:
    10,157
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    I do all this, because my intention is not to punish him, but to change him.
    I can refrain from helping him, but what is the point?
    He will continue to pay RS.... to his credit cards as minimum payment, and swipe RS...... in return as the bank allows so.
    This way, the actual debt will remain the same, despite of him losing certain % of his salary for the credit cards. And whatever he swipes during the month goes only to his FOO.
    If he is realizing, then he would have realized it earlier.
    But it doesn't happen with him. Some people are wired that way.
    If I let him on his own, he would get another credit card to provide for us, and at the end of the day, the mounted credit card debts before him will become everyone's responsibility.

    I can push him otherwise, if I am jobless. Then he will have to provide everything he earns for the family to run, and this way he will know how difficult it is to live without money. Yes, a very good push, indeed.
    But I can't risk my job to push him - you see. It is worthless.
    Since I have a decent job that covers all the family's need, he is relaxed from that front.
    I can ask him to provide, but he has the luxury to say NO - of course by citing reasons.
    Because he knows no matter what, at the end of the day his family will run because of his wife.
    This convenience is what pulling him from moving forward.

    I have chosen to save certain % of my salary from now onwards, by making very minimum for disposable monthly expenses. This way, he will have to earn something, and provide something for our shared luxuries.
    But I am reluctant to do it unless his job is confirmed. Because I don't want to starve my kids from luxuries and studies/opportunities at the right time to make my adult husband understand it.
     
  7. paru123

    paru123 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    239
    Likes Received:
    215
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Unless n until the basic problems in the person is corrected(here husbands financial indiscipline n irresponsibity at home) I doubt how a higher paying job will compensate for everything . How can he be responsible if he takes a high profile job when silly things like leaving the kids to school on time can't be taken care of.

    I feel you are building castles in air without making the basic corrections first. If he earns a lesser amount, please teach him to live within that budget.

    Hope everything turns out well as you wish.
     
    omnam likes this.
  8. Joyoflife

    Joyoflife Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    440
    Likes Received:
    750
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    Hello SGBV I read most of your posts and I have huge respect for women like you. Which ever offer you decide on the job front will work out the best for you because I beleiv you are survivor and a fighter and rest is history. You have taken life by horns against all odds. Previously in some of your threads you had mentioned turbulence in you mother and husband after reading this now I see where she was coming from.

    just do not brush your husbands irresponsibility under the carpet. No matter what you have to do make him accountable to some extent. Take help of the counselling and psychologists. Get him to meditate or do what ever, be firm with lots love. You need to show him that he needs to change because of your children you do not want to pass these irrespionsible traits to your kids. He is the father and he really needs to be a better role model. If he tries to hide behind the curtain of astrology gently but firmly show what good did this astrology do to his FOO? Astrology became a wall in your relationship. also warn fil not to discuss astrology with your family.

    Your husband knows that you are there to look after everything and hence he is having a joyful life. Warn him with love that he has to man up. Set reminders on his phone, write notes on the fridge or do whatever. Do not avoid this issue. Sometimes to the people we love the most we avoid hurting them on the tender spots. You need to get this through him because you have kids and they are learning a lot simply by watching both of you.
     
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2018
    NeetaR likes this.
  9. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    5,164
    Likes Received:
    10,157
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    Firs of all, thanks for your time and comments.
    I think you haven't read my posts and threads completely, hence replying in general.
    Every person's case is unique, hence one size doesn't fit for all.
    Having said that, after all I have went through and tried for, I don't wanna start anything from the beginning. And I don't think it is my responsibility to teach my H some sense of responsibility.
    I can't mother him.
    I am here to share my life with him, and I am here to share some responsibilities for the family we have created together.

    My intention is not to make my H responsible by his high salary. It is to make him pay his loans, and to cover up his expenses in the future, so that he doesn't have to struggle with debts again.
    Because his debts are our family's debts and I don't wanna lose anything that we gained together for his debt down the line.

    I can only take a horse to the lake, but I can't make it drink the water.
     
  10. Sweety2016

    Sweety2016 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    177
    Likes Received:
    477
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    SGBV, One thing is understood for sure...Your H has mysterious expenditures primarily for his FOO which he is not willing to divulge. No matter how much you try by talking, fighting, arguing he is just going to continue with the same. So no point in trying to stop him from helping his FOO. This will destroy your peace of mind. Even in my home, I send money to my parents without even discussing with H as per my free will and I would hate it if my H questions me about it. And I am too oblivious of his credit card bills and am least bothered about it. I am the primary bread winner of my family and am ok with it and accept it inspite of all hardships I face. Some families are really blessed with an understanding and matured H with a good financially brain. There is no point in comparing ourselves with those families and rock the otherwise smooth sailing boat. This IMHO.
    You are a strong woman (I mean it here) and an excellent wife-mother combo. I personally had picked up some qualities of yours to reduce some friction in my marriage. Yours is a beautiful family and I would love to insist you to find a low paying job near your place which you love. You can always cut something off your lifestyle management expenses. Most important..your H inspite of being irresponsible is definitely your pillar of strength. So dont force him to go elsewhere in search of a better paying job. Your family needs him and only when he is involved in your day to day activities, there are mild chances of him becoming responsible. Slowly and steadily involve him in certain not so important house hold expenses. My H also got excellent job offers but compromised on his career for the sake of family as am a govt employee in a non transferable job that too in a remote location.
    Its all about preferences we make and the ultimate goal is to stay peaceful. So weigh your options and decide accordingly.
     

Share This Page