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Need Your Guidance To Make This Final Decision

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Jan 23, 2018.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    I am so confused, that I need other people's opinion to make a decision right now.
    I have shared half of my problems here under different thread and posts, so those who follow me know what I am up to.

    For the newbies, I am just sharing the basic pointers here:

    We had a love marriage, much against to both sets of parents. We did not expect any inheritance or wealth from parents, so we had to start our life from the scratch. Nevertheless, we had to compete with our peers and siblings whose life were well cushioned by their parent's wealth.
    So, we made ourselves into a toughest situation, where we reached out to highly paying jobs to kick start our lives.
    I was fortunate enough to secure a job in abroad immediately after marriage - which came with its own disadvantages, such as non-family duty station, hardships, and risks, yet paid a great salary.
    My H had all the ambitions like me, but everything changed after marriage, specially after I have left him. He suddenly became so lazy, and felt content with a most flexible job - which paid very very lower salary.
    Initially I didn't mind, but later I tried my level best to make him understand that he too needs to earn, so that we can settle down with a decent life. But he didn't reciprocate to what I suggested.

    After a while, it felt like I was singlehandedly suffering alone for the ambitions, while my H patched up with his folks, and lived a much better bachelors life at home. So, I moved back home much to his annoyance, and pulled him with me to start a new life within our limits.

    He suddenly lost his job, and we both suffered without a job; hence ate up whatever we had managed to save with my abroad job earlier.

    Since that time, my H has been struggling to settle with a good job. He is so settled with a simple job, and has no courage or likes towards upgrading his life style.
    Since day 1, it is me who is being the primary bread winner in the family. It is me, who has built our house, brought our cars, brought our funiture and all the luxuries, but my H would only provide little little side supports only.
    His salary is not even enough for the mysterious credit card payments he needs to make every month. Besides, he is expected to support his FOO.
    With all this going on, he has very little for himself or his own family.

    I tried my best my forcing him to get better jobs. I have even applied for him. But he showed least interest; hence didn't secured any.
    I tried my best by quitting my job citing family demands, and expected him to take up his manly role as a provider. But he failed. He too suffered whatever the hardship we had to face with my decision to quit my job.
    I then tried to stick to a much convenient job, which paid an equal salary as his. But then, we were only eating up our savings, and not making any investments. Which seemed scary.
    But my H is not bothered about it at all.

    Its been almost a decade since we are married, but my H is yet to do anything for the family when it comes to monitory matters.
    Even if a furniture needs a replacement, or a bulb need to be fixed, I need to sponsor.
    If I don't have the cash, no one will invest on it.
    So imagine about our other needs like kid's school admission, health concerns, and all...

    Knowing this, I made a plan to block some of his money to our home, by making him commit to an EMI for a car. I offered him some down payment, and made him buy his own car (instead of using my car and causing us inconvenience), so now he is paying this monthly EMI. This way, at least a certain % of his salary is spent for our family/with my knowledge.
    With this, he has stopped even the little little expenditure he covered for us. Never mind.
    I can make tactful efforts like this, but the results are not very convincing.

    Now a days, I feel we can't go on and on like this, specially we have 2 growing kids with all the educational needs and demands coming ahead of us.
    Due to our initial need to kick start our life, we decided to chose our career in private sector, which offered a fantastic salary. It is true that we(I) were able to invest in our settlement with whatever we(I) could earn with this private sector salary back then.
    But now, I regret the choice, because our jobs are not permanent, and not pensionable.
    When my siblings and peers are able to secure a decent Govt job with pension though with simple salary (because they only needed money to maintain a life style, and not like us to start everything from the scratch), they will be fine in the future with retirement funds and stuff.
    In our case, we must have a sound saving for everything.

    I've made peace with my H's irresponsibility, as I know he can do only so much, and expecting him to change is pointless.
    So, I've decided not to waste my time and energy when the right opportunity is placed before me.
    I've got a couple of job offers, with equal risks and hardships as per the monitory advantages they offered. It's part of my field, as I am into legal/political/humanitarian sector.

    Please refer this thread Career Choices - Which One To Choose?

    According to the thread I attached, I have chosen option #1, and staying away from family during work week. I only meet my kids during weekends, and everything goes fine between all of us. But I get a very small saving from this job, which will make me to work like this forever.
    Now that I am placed with this option #2, and I will have to make a decision soon. With this one, my mom will have to take up the extra burden of looking after my kids at my absence all the days. She is OK, and will do that for me with the help of a permanent maid.
    If so, I will have to stay away from home for 2 months at a stretch, but then I will get 3-4 weeks of vacation after every 2 months. So, I can compensate my absence to some extend. This way, my salary and savings would be much high. As well, I can quit after a couple of years when the need arises and settle with a simple job to maintain a life style like others.

    But my mom is bothered about the fact that her DD (myself) suffers the hardships, while her SNIL enjoys a comfortable life. She believes, this should have been otherwise, and my hard works and efforts are contributing to my H's laziness.

    She is not wrong. And last time it was a bitter experience when I had to suffer all alone, while my H changed his mind and didn't contribute at all. But it was a history, and happened a decade back. Now that, I don't wanna lose this golden opportunity for thinking of my past.

    I don't believe that my H will ever change. He is a great husband otherwise - that alone the single change he has shown since the past , so I have no other complaints here.

    I am really confused, because I am already battling with my fears about the hardship that I will have to face in the work place. Amidst this, I am expected to convince my mom, pretending everything will be fine.

    While I am confident that my decision is right, I am also shaken a bit when my mom confuses me like this.
    Any advice????
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2018
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  2. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes, it's not an ideal situation, frustrating too and over the years you have tried every option there is to rectify this.

    Ideally he should have changed n taken a bigger financial responsibility n you both work together rather than you struggling alone to achieve this financial status.

    So yes, this role reversal can be tough but since you strongly believe that he can't be changed, maybe you can only modify the situation or else you will only be stuck instead of moving forward, which may cause you greater pain.

    House husbands exists right ? , maybe you can start considering him as that n insist on him being a hands on dad. Your mom can be there to just assist, but not fully hands on. Since you stated that financial challenge is the only issue that you have with him n he's good otherwise, this option can be considered.

    He can continue bringing in whatever he's doing right now, better to not stop that or he may get worse in that department but since your new job requires you to be away, he should be there for the kids a lot more, as many have been doing for years n years.

    You may also have to convince your mom of this role reversal. Tell her though it's not an ideal situation, this is the best for everyone as you have tried a million other options to change this but this is the only thing that works for the betterment of you and your family. Or else you are gona be only wasting more working years which equals to more financial struggle n that you can't live with whatever he brings alone. So she should encourage you instead.

    Be confident with your decisions, you have great maturity n strength, believe in yourself n go for whatever you want.
     
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  3. Desiindian

    Desiindian Silver IL'ite

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    OP, my suggestion is do not think of quitting job after few years and to do simple jobs.

    reading your job history from other posts, meeting your lifestyle expectations at that point of time may not match with simple job earnings. then again no job satisfaction, commitments, foreign job, leaving home.why so many same cycles. my best advice wud be to continue the job and progress in your career, be a major breadwinner. let your husband play a supporting role. fortunately your mother is with you to help raise your kids. you are already playing a man's role now, continue doing it. you have passion to work, don't give up. you kids will learn why you are away from them. your mothers anger is reasonable, explain her. so my only peace of advice is no more career break. best wishes
     
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  4. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, You need to give yourself a jolt of reality. Your husband is like this from marriage. Chances are he is basking in comfort of your hardwork. You shud have done this before but now you realized and want to do something. Still you can remedy the situation.First things first,stop thinking about investments and savings for right now. I am talking about temporarily say 6 months. Time for your husband to man up and be the man of the house. He is getting away with it becoz you let him.Next week, separate your finances. Make everything in your name and your kids as nominee. Nowhere shud hubby come into picture. Next stop , you know what his pay is. Tell him he needs to contribute such and such an amount to you and kids. He may make excuses 1 month, 2 months. Don't get deterred. Keep reminding him. I have a motto until hubby does something, i keep playing the same cassette rewind replay. Like a broken record. Keep that in mind. Be firm and tell him he has to. Don't stop until he does. If kids go without something for a few weeks let them. Its for greater good. Unless its basic necessities, let it go for a while. You are making a point here. Keep reminding hubby he needs to come up with it. Don't fall for credit card debt story.For right now he has to take care of it and he shud find a way.Making frivolous expenses on credit card isn't a responsible thing to do if he does it he has to find a way to pay it. Not make his family pay it. Do you and kids have any part of it? No, then why are you giving up your expenses so he pays it. Is he giving up anything? No, He has found a way to balance being carefree and get his needs met without asking. Why will he rock the boat.Be firm and make your hubby responsible to you.You and kids shud be his priority. Not anything else.

    Let me tell you , i have been in your place. Still am. Only i found a way to make hubby responsible in a roundabout way. Ours is an arranged marriage. When I came in a week of marriage , i was flabbergasted to hubby's living conditions. He had barely livable conditions in apartment. I didn't want to press further and let it go for an yr. My husband was laid off thanks to IL's and our life went to further mess. In b/n all this hubby was living life like your husband. After a few yrs of struggle , fights, crying , meltdowns hubby got a full time offer and we settled in the present place. That was the time, i took everything under my control and made hubby see sense. I don't wait for hubby to make any financial decision. I take care of everything like savings, day to day expenses, mortgage . Initially i used to mention it to hubby and ask whether i can do it. Seeing he never said yes, i firmly tell him this is what i did . Mind you he has access to all savings all accounts. But after these many yrs seeing everything fattening he doesn't say no or make withdrawals. Everything is a big risk, but we shud be willing to take and change our marriages or family for good or bad. When we bought our house, we were struggling to make mortgage payments becoz of frequent India trips prior. But after 5 yrs the house is worth atleast twice what we paid for it. Did hubby say yes to buying a house, no. Did he mention selling house, infinite times. But i don't pay heed to him telling it. Seeing everything functioning smoothly , hubby doesn't bother asking where is what and just says can he do this. I don't take undue advantage of it. Everything is transparent and he knows where is everything.

    My IL's raised hell telling oh you don't tell anything and she controls everything to hubby . I just smiled and walked away and hubby said yes she does. That shut them up. We do have frictions from time to time. But, apart from that money matters have calmed down and settled once i took over.

    Never underestimate your own power. Be firm and lay down the rules. For a few months kids go without dance class, music class so be it. Never volunteer to pay for hubby's car or anything. He has to commit to you and kids and once you feel comfortable you can think in an yr or 2.Otherwise let him find a way. Men don't change being little boys even after marriage. If wife is working, much better be a boy always.Maybe you need to show hubby mirror and say married for him to realize. Don't buckle be firm and lay down rules. Take everything in your control. Don't fall for he wont make as much as u do , so cut him some slack. That's being a lazy parent. He has to responsible even on his pay.Good Luck.
     
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  5. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    I can relate to this , have an ambition less husband who is content to work in the same place for years , not taking up more responsibility and earning a salary far lesser than his peers. Wasted potential. it must be doubly difficult for you as you have kids and ideally you want husband to earn enough so that you can take a more relaxing job , not worry about finances . But reality bites you in the face sometimes and you have to step out of your comfort zone.

    My suggestion , not sure if it will work , is to downgrade your lifestyle a little bit. especially where it will pinch your dh the most.. he likes to eat fish, stop making fish at home , say you are budgeting..
    regarding your job, if you are strong enough to consider staying away from family , I think you can do it. make it seem glamorous to your mom somehow, share with her the perks you will be getting...talk about it with excitement and not dread..
     
  6. happyperson

    happyperson Gold IL'ite

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    Hello @SGBV
    I am in similar boat as well. Decade of marriage been the primary breadwinner. In US and husband had visa restrictions to do jobs. He tried getting to work visa but couldn’t survive in market. He is masters degree holder but job what he is currently doing is a part time 12th grade person job. I don’t know what to do, future scares me.

    But overall he is a very good and understanding husband and father. He takes care of us very well physically. He does not have any unnecessary expenses.

    Really love to hear the tips and steps you took and how successful it was. I don’t want to spoil our relationship by being too strict as well.
     
  7. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    my 2 cents...

    When it comes to my career, I will not listen to anyone.

    Go with your decision.
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2018
  8. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    @ashneys, thanks for your advice. It makes sense.
    In fact, role reversal is not a big problem right now. But that isn't the case here.
    Basically, I am playing both the roles, while he is relaxing. This is the bitter reality at our place.
    He is not a responsible dad either. I can't expect him to cook or clean up either. I can't expect him to look after the kids, or teach them whenever required. He is not even upto drop the kids at their schools and tuitions. Not that he is egoistic. Not that he says no to such requests.
    He is plain irresponsible. He can't take these things to his mind and act.
    Eg: He would say... leave the kids with me, I will look after them. But what happens is, he watches the TV, and the kids will be going out or enter into something risky. He will forget to wash their hands before feeding them. He will not make them sit and study. He will not drop them to their classes on time. He will forget to pick them up from the classes. For each and everything, he needs reminders. He needs commands coming from me.
    If I or someone commands, then he will do that.
    But that too, is very complicated. Because, he is not like a driver or servant, who would sit and wait for our command. He is just like a normal man, and has his own commitments elsewhere. So, sometimes, it becomes a mess.
    He doesn't take these as his responsibility and find a way to deal with it on his own. He just carelessly depends on myself or my mom.
    If both myself and mom are not free for genuine reasons, then he would order his parents to look after the kids (regardless of their willingness), and you know the results.
    So, at the end of the day, it is me who bears the home-maker role mentally, and my mom bears the same role physically, and my H pitches in to help at his own convenience.

    Again, he doesn't do it on purpose. He is just an irresponsible man.
    If something goes bad because of his irresponsibility, then he feels bad, genuinely regrets, but again he can't be trusted with responsibility, specially when it comes to kids. Of course he is improving, but at a very slow pace.

    So coming to the point, i.e role reversal.... It is easy to be the bread winner if my spouse can handle the home front. But it is difficult to handle both of them. That too, it is difficult if you are out of the home.
     
  9. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    I wish I could focus on my career, and be the very strong career woman by climbing the ladder very fast as per my dreams. But I have so much hindrance on my path.
    If someone could take care of my family at my absence, then I have no problem in focusing on my career and be the best provider for my family - just like the men.
    But my family fails miserably each time when I leave them alone. They can barely adjust max 1-2 years without me living closely with them. That too with so much of extra hard work from my end virtually and mentally in order to guide them, arrange supports, etc.
    When things go beyond our control, I end up taking my job for granted to spend extra times with the family. That's where the balance takes a hit, and I end up quitting.
     
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  10. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    @chocolate - very responsible words. Thanks a million.
    You echoed my mom, who uses exactly similar words to make me understand this issue.

    I clearly understand the fact that I should cut him some slacks and be firm when it comes to taking the financial control in my family. But I really don't know how I can do that when it comes to practical life. If you could help me with some practical advice, I would be much grateful for this

    Coming to the present scenario:
    For the past 3 years, I had been doing a flexible job in my home city, which paid an average salary only. But I was able to spend time with kids, and look after everything at home front like cooking etc.
    He continued with the same flexible job of his, and earned the same average salary.
    He has 3 credit cards, which he has taken several years before to support his FOO and himself, as he was jobless then. We were not in good terms back then, so I had no idea about his cards or the credits.
    But since the time we had reunited, he has been paying the minimum settlement for those 3 credit cards from his salary.
    Which allows him to spend very little for the family each month. That too unpredictable, coz he will have other expenses like helping FOO on their special days, attending his side of the weddings etc.
    So, I used to spend 100% of my (little) salary for the family needs each month. So, we had absolutely no savings in the past 3 years.
    Besides, we had made some FD and investments earlier, so each month we hardly have any money left for disposal after meeting our basic needs.
    With that, I lost my job in Oct 2017 for funding reasons. My office gave me an option to move out of the city with a better job, better salary but I can come to home only during weekends.
    I accepted it, because we will have no money for our basic expenses if I rejected this offer.
    For the past 3 months, I am staying out of my home for work, and visit my family only during weekends.

    My H is not being responsible or helpful with the kids, but somewhat my mom and bro are extending their helps so we manage somehow. He is just doing what he can do. Nothing extra, nothing thoughtful.
    Eg: If he has time, he will drop the kid to school. If not, he will forget about it, and go to work. My mom has to find a way and arrange transport for the kids.

    Since the past few years, I have requested him to show his credit card balance etc. But he is not showing it. He gives me reasons, and delays it, but not showing it.
    But I understand from the receipts and bills that reach our home, his credit cards are full. Besides, I know that he was extending so much financial support for his FOO back then; hence it is understandable that he used his credit limits for it. So, I don't dig too much into it.

    I only expect him to have an answer like when can he finish all these credit bills, and come clean. So that we can plan our finances afresh. But he has no answers to them.
    He gets angry or he leaves the home as if I had questioned something not right.

    I then helped him to secure better jobs, so that he can quickly clear up his credit card bills. But he is reluctant to apply, and face interviews.
    Now that, I have applied for him - taking my valuable time for filling up those on-line portals. But now, he says, it is waste, because those organizations are not good, and I won't go there.

    After series of such episodes, I've rather trapped him to get a car (of course his car, but our family needs it the most) on EMI basis. I paid the down payment for it.
    Now that part of his salary goes to the car EMI, and I know at least that % is allotted for the family. He and his family are super angry with me for making him pay for the car.
    But now a days, he likes it and enjoys driving his own car.

    Now that I plan to make him commit with a new job, and hence share a % of his salary for the home, so that I can secure some savings.
    If so, I am sure he will be attracted with the savings down the line, and willingly commit towards it.
    But it is hard and harder to make him commit with a good job, as he is extremely convenient with this flexible job, staying close to his family and all.

    Like you said, taking up extra responsibility will never change him.
     
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