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Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by blackbeauty84, Jan 6, 2012.

  1. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Ladies,
    I'm a 27 year old & my divorce is in progress, will be finalised by April. I came back to parent's house somewhere in Dec 2010. Before we could decide about my divorce, my mom was diagonised with Cancer. I was helping my mom. Now my mom is doing better.
    My parent's want my elder brother who is 29 to be married. My parents want him to live seperately post marriage & my brother is okay with that idea. My brother wants his future wife to be working. My relatives are saying that if he wants his future wife to be working, then expectation from girl's family would to live in a joint family, so that work load will be shared. I'm not sure what might be the expectation, but my parents are very particular that he should live separetly post marriage. Their point is that he should get some privacy first & he should get some responsibility in future.

    Now my questions are:
    1)Somehow or other my brother's profile is getting poor response in matrimonial sites. It has been mentioned in the profile that I'm divorced & living with the parents. Should that not be disclosed at this stage? I mean he is decent looking, well educated & working in a good company. Why else his profile will get poor response?

    2)Should I move out from the parent's house. I didn't move out because I wanted to help my mom who was sick that time. Now I feel odd to be at the house, when my brother will get married. My mom wants me to stay with them as she says it should not be a problem as my brother will be living in a nuclear family . I have no problems living in my parents house or moving out. For that matter, I can even move to my own house.But point is whether is it necessary. My mom is getting very emotional when i mention this , usually ends up in crying.



    Please help me out ladies I'm not able to think straight.
     
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  2. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    Instead of moving out why don't you think of working.
    If you are already working you can mention your profession in sibling information of your bro's profile and also that you are single.
    In his profile you can also mention that he will be living separately after marriage.
    Actually, working girls might be looking for nuclear family not joint family.
    Just mentioning things clearly might help in getting more contacts.
    All the best.
     
    3 people like this.
  3. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    I'm very well working ars. It has been mentioned in the profile that i'm working. At the moment it hasn't been mentioned that he will be living sepearetly.
     
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  4. Sainidikri

    Sainidikri New IL'ite

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    Hi.

    Glad to know your mom is doing well. Kudos to your mom being a strong woman as well as a understanding woman who knows the importance of privacy in a marriage.

    A wedding is also about compatibility and honesty, I would not suggest you remove the header which says divorced. Infact that is actually a filter to eliminate girls who are not comfortable with this option. You could alter living with parents to maybe currently staying with parents and whatever the plans for the future maybe. This could be included somewhere in the description about him.

    There is no reason why you should not stay with your parents, I would take a guess that if your mom is of a independent attitude you would have the same attitude and respect your future sister in law's individual connection with every member in your family.

    All the best.
     
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  5. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    Good to know you are working. Than maybe just saying he will live separately might help.
    Since your mom is recovering don't stress her with talking what she does not want to hear.
    Marriages are very god willing. It has to be the right time for getting the matches.
    One of our friends daughter who was divorced for 6 years and 30 years suddenly got the proposal from a common friends son (first marriage for him) and they got married with in couple of months.
    Look at the prayer section hear on il. You will find shlokas and pujas for marriage.
    Maybe having your profile too if you are willing to remarry might help.
     
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  6. samraa

    samraa Bronze IL'ite

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    hi,

    you definately are not the reason for your bro's poor responses in the matrimonial websites.stay with your parents and help them. they need you.and you need them too.don't keep bringing up the topic with your mum.it's your home after all.your bro will find a suitable life partner.-you don't worry.....
     
  7. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    blackbeauty,

    being outright honest in issues like matrimony is better. let the person who raises beyond all these approach you.

    if it is of any solace, these days it is becoming very difficult to get alliances for boys..i know of a lot of bridegrooms available but no brides..there is a friend of mine who is 41, willing to marry a widow/divorcee with/without kids, it is his first marriage and yet he has not got any..

    judging by our forum itself, you should understand the expectations of people, around..

    take care of your mom, do not broach the topic of you going and staying out with her, but do tell discuss with your brother upfront, about your thoughts and your views, so that he can have a better understanding and a approach if any match comes his way.
     
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  8. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear BB,
    Your parents want your bro to live separately after marriage since you are staying with them and may feel bad seeing their marital bliss. Its normal and natural to have wistful feelings seeing a happy couple.They are acting protective thats all. But they should not make it a pre-condition.
    Regarding the response for your brothers marriage your pending divorce could be a reason as the atmosphere will be tense . The girl may feel that they would have to spend their entire life looking after you though you are working.This could be wrong though.
    Its not right to evict the son and DIL out just because DD is having a divorce as you can find a good match and remarry.
    Even your brother could be feeling bad because your parents have put across this strange condition. It shows that they are biased towards you.Later if the couple wants to move out then its fine.
    Try to reason it out with your parents.
    Sometime being extra protective parents can sour relations with near and dear.

    What if you gracefully move out after brothers wedding on your own? The new DIL will take care of your Mom and you need not feel odd.You can move on better without having to deal with apologetic family trying to play down their happiness.
    God willing you will find your happiness too.
    JMO
     
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  9. fencesitter

    fencesitter Platinum IL'ite

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    I do not understand why should your marital status be mentioned in your brother's profile?? i am in total agreement with your parents idea. I do not think you should move out at this time. Dont majority of girls prefer nuclear family these days? Then it actually should work in your brother's favor. And yes, as some one already said, finding a bride is becoming difficult especially is some castes like brahmin.
     
  10. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    I think i haven't mentioned few things clearly here:
    I have two elder brothers. Eldest brother living in a city than where we are staying. There were times my mom was having problems with his wife, right from that time she will be saying if my second brother gets married he has live seperately. Now also my parents visit them once in two or three months doesn't stay more than 10 days.

    I own a house in Chennai & my brother(for whom alliance is sought) was saying he wants to live there. This was even before alliance is being sought for him.

    I'm not sure whether my parent's insistence on my brother should live seperately is because of me.Because this has been right in there mind for quite last six /seven years.

    I'm also looking for a long term job abroad, with little luck I should be able to find one in few months.f that happens, all this dielamma will vanish.

    I couldn't come to a decision of to move or not. My parents can manage on their own. My brother can & I too can manage. But whether it's necessary or not is my question.
     

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