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Need To Find Some Balance

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SGBV, Nov 4, 2019.

  1. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    Believe or not, I'm indeed happy to read your response. I was little concerned that you would patch up and again after few months snake will shed it's skin and bit.

    Point is they aren't ready to patch up, if not with you n kids, Not thier son??
    These sons should understand, why mom dad doesn't call me why they don't want to see me?
    99% Indian males fall sadly fall this category.
    Blame old sharvan stories to latest super hot movies.
    #standup.
     
    hermitcrab likes this.
  2. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Thanks. This is why I always thank Induslady for this wonderful group of people.
    These are family matters that we can't discuss openly with everyone in real life. And there is a risk of relying on certain close buddies opinions when it comes to tricky situations as this.
    Eg: If I discuss this with my own mom or H, both would have one sided response because they are in some way or the other involved in it. Thus, I can't rely!

    Indusladies have always been helpful, specially when it comes to familial issues like these.
    I have a bunch of people who understand the issue, who knows my background, who have the heart to listen and share their expert opinions and what not.

    I feel like I am blessed here. Thank you!
     
    sbonigala and Vedhavalli like this.
  3. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    I would NEVER let my kids have a relationship with ANYONE who doesn’t like me. I know a lot of ppl here think it’s unfair etc, but my kids are small and I don’t trust my inlaws to not feed rubbish in my kids minds.
    How about letting your husband see his parents, siblings etc but you and kids cut them off completely? If you don’t trust them, it’s not worth taking a chance.
     
    hermitcrab and Sunshine04 like this.
  4. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    This is my concern too. Given the fact that my kids are too small (under the age of 10) and chances are high that my MIL can manipulate them against me.
    Moreover, I am a career woman, and it is my choice as well as I have no other option provided I am the primary bread winner here for the family. So, I have to prioritize my career a lot, and so, travel so frequently to different places by leaving the kids under my H's and Mom's care at home.
    I've done everything possible to make my absence somewhat manageable for the family, specially for the kids by going extra miles in every matter for now. My family, specially kids understand me so well, and the love remains unchanged though I am not a traditional mother who stays 24/7 with them. This remains as a big burden and worry in some corner of my heart, and I always worry what's going on in my little children's mind - though they seem OK.
    Now, I don't want to risk this with PILs relationship, because they could capitalize this matter to their favor, and so turn the kids against me by projecting as if I am one careless, money minded, and bad mother who doesn't love kids above everything.

    It is a different case if she likes me or accepts me.
     
  5. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    absolutely
     
  6. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    But how long you can stop him from reconnecting with his family ? If that is basic need you need to let it go. If you and your kids don't want to be with them that is understandable but asking husband also to refrain connecting with parents might make him miserable inside. Eventually either he will do it without your knowledge or will be completely on their side due to too much guilt. Moderation is the key. Considering your family is with you he will always have this thing in back of his mind. Will power and control has its own expiry date. It is never easy to make decision but making a sustainable decision is important. If you already agreed to visit them during Diwali and later cancelled it maybe you need to communicate to your husband clearly your changed stand.
     
  7. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    I did not stop him from visiting them or reconnecting with them. It is his right, and he can always entertain that.
    But he is clear that he won't mingle with them again without me.
    I am also clear that I can't go back to that hell unless someone welcomes me. I can't go back to them unless my H promises to protect me/kids from any possible harm.
    But again, my H has doesn't know what to expect here.

    Yes, when my H was guilt conscious due to social pressure, he passed some of that guilt on me. That's why I decided to patch up with them on Diwali. That was a foolish decision though.
    But God stopped me. Indusladies opened my eyes. And I've too realized where I went wrong.
    After all, we are humans!!!

    Listen: They have wronged me. They have to come and patch up with me. They have to welcome me to their home and family. They have to accept me wholeheartedly.
    Then only I can go and mingle with them by forgiving and forgetting the past trauma.
    Unless and until this happens, I can't risk my respect, peace and happiness in their hands.

    However, my H can mingle with them if he could forgive their mistake. If I were him, I wouldn't forgive my parents unless they repent.

    Last week he went there to say bye, just before he traveled on a business trip to abroad. His mom shut the door on his face the moment she saw him at the doorstep.
    He went to meet his dad in a temple where he volunteers. His dad blessed him and was neutral with him.
    This shows who they are and what we could expect from such people.
     

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