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Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by pinkydarling, Nov 9, 2018.

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Nov 29, 2018 #11

Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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You should not be worrying about these things in 8th month. Better if you follow your husband's suggestion and just leave such matters. But, if you are trying to understand why it happened, here are two things that stood out:

pinkydarling said: ↑

when I stayed at my hometown my parents celebrated my son birthday just simple only, I called my inlaws, I invited them very politely nd I did not invited my BIl nd Cosister , Becoz simple party na nd it is full rainy season no proper power also I we don't want to invite my side relatives nd their side relatives,
Click to expand...

Even for a simple party, BIL and co-sister should have been invited. Excluding them was not a wise move. They do not fall under "relatives" category.

And I called nd I asked my MIl about party y u told gossips to my parents about me, what they think? Nd I invited na for u r grand son birthday but why u r telling lies to my parents about me like that I asked
Immediately she said not you, u r mom is not invited me. So I didn't came to party
Click to expand...

From your description, it seems like your in-laws and perhaps your family also are on the traditional side. In such families, the usual protocol is for same age/generation person to call and invite. You can invite your co-sis, but your MIL/FIL needed an invitation from your parents for a party in your parents' house. You can give MIL all the details about the party, but for formality sake your mother is expected to take the phone and tell your MIL, "Please do come."

I am not a fan of such protocol and requirements, but it is what it is.

Rihana, Nov 29, 2018

Rihana, Nov 29, 2018

#11

sindmani, Lalithambigai, pinkydarling and 1 other person like this.
Nov 29, 2018 #12

pinkydarling Platinum IL'ite

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yellowmango said: ↑

Pinky....you are going to have your second baby soon.Soon you will be so busy with your two angels,you won't have time to think about any thing.

Do you live with in laws ?

Why bother about ' if mil will come ' or ' how she will behave '.....when you have your two little ones to love and cuddle .
On your part ,you do what needs to be done formally. If some invitation has to be given,you talk to mil and invite . Send them pics of the babies and do basics right.

After that ...it is not in your hand.
No mil is perfect. No dil is perfect.

Make sure your husband is with you. Do not unnecessarily talk to him about mil . Keep him informed about things but don't keep saying it again and again .

Don't compare between parents and inlaws.
In laws can rarely match the parents because you are their flesh and blood.
Even your parents will not treat their dil with the kind of care and love that they show you. It is natural to love your child more.

You learn to take care of both kids properly by yourself with the help of your husband . That is the best way to show how mature you are. Ask your mom to teach you how to bathe the baby and other care stuff. Sometimes parents do too much in love and the daughter can't manage when away from parents.
Take this opportunity to learn from mother so that you won't have to depend on mil. Then if she is involved,it will be bonus...otherwise you will be well prepared.

Be a good wife and mother . Treat mil with respect but formal because you both do not seem to understand each other well.
Keep it respectful so that relations do not become worse. With time ,things get better if you give each other space.

As for co -sister( bil's wife) ,do not give her too much space in your head. If she is fine with you ,you be fine with her. She has her family to care for,youhave yours to care for.

The next year ,you will have your hands full with little ones. Make this a happy time for yourself and your little family.
You ,your husband and your two babies are the stars of your life . Everyone else is a side actor who comes and goes. Don't pay too much attention to what is happening in the background.

Wishing you a very healthy and joyous year ahead .
Click to expand...

ThankQ for u r detailed reply.With u r msg u made my day very happy.
Iam not living with my In-laws. We r living separately. We visited yearly twice them.
Well said dear, U opened my eyes. U know with u r msg i understood my behavior.
Mine is childish behavior So i need to become mature nd behave like a matured person.
My hubby always says like u only But my mind is not think towards. My FIL Bil both are good nd attitude also Good.They understands very well. But my MIL only Behaves different. She don't have understanding nature nd behaves like a immature. That only killing me.Actually she don't understand every thing. She thinks herside only. And she will feed good about herself with her sons nd relatives nd always bad talk about DIls .Actually i behaves very well with her nd i will do more help to her also. But y she always gives complaint about dils. That only bothering me .
U know sister for my attitude nd for my good behavior There is no place in her mind. Her talks also not good.She is good with infront of me but bad talks back side of me. Whenever my mom meet her always complaints about me that only irritating me. She will not call to my parents nd she will not invite them but she will except everything from my parents.
But wt to do I can't change her. So i need to change as per u r suggestions ,forget about herself nd her behavior nd need to maintain formal relationship with her.
Good suggestion dear. Really appreciate your way of thinking
ThankQ soo much.

pinkydarling, Nov 29, 2018

pinkydarling, Nov 29, 2018

#12
Nov 29, 2018 #13

lukywife Gold IL'ite

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Dear - So far everything is good. Your mil did something wrong, her expectations are wrong. You weren’t calm, you asked her straight you expressed your displeasure and you didn’t pick her call. Good. You stood up for yourself. Your husband didn’t force you to speak to her. Now it’s time to forgive her. Forgive her behaviour. If she comes to you, show genuine love without becoming a doormat. If she talks about past, tell no you can’t talk to me about that or you cannot talk bad about my parents. If she taunts you or your parents in future, tell straight you won’t appreciate the behaviour. If you forgive, it’s very easy to handle difficult people. difficult people are scared of honesty. You won’t be emotional if you forgive, you can always communicate your boundaries. Forgiveness will make you feel good about yourself. It will boost self esteem. You communicated your displeasure to her, now forgive. Good job so far. Forgive her compassionately. She is a old person with patriarchal baggages.

pinkydarling said: ↑

Hello all
Plz give u r suggestions my dear Ladies,
This is my problem,
My inlaw sometimes behave rudely, some times behave gud . And before their sons she behave gud nd innocent, some times with me also behave gud nd sweet, but I hate her behavior, becoz she is very cunning person, she have two tounges, She will consider everything even small matters also. She will point out everything nd everything. At marriage time my parents given clothes for my in-laws, After 7 yrs of marriage also she is saying that clothes are not good nd that gifts are not gud like that. She is not think like a matured person nd thinking like a cheap people, she don't think about what is talking nd what she is saying,
My family is little bit Rich compared to my in laws family, but we never showed richness before them.Iam only daughter to my parents nd my Parents family have name nd fame around nearby villages. My family give more respect to my in-laws, But my in-law always behave like don't care type towards my parents, Always she will compare me with my co- sister for every single matter, ( she came from poor family but maintenance is very gud)
Here is the problem
Now I am pregnant with second kid . 3 months back I went to my hometown to take the rest with my 2 yrs old. Mine is very big family nd I am only girl child to my parents nd my son only grand child to my parents, so they will do everything for him(Feeding ,taking bath nd everything nd everything my parents only do for my son) But At my in-laws home she will not do anything even house hold work also , even she will not give water also for my child , only money will give sometimes, always talks about my BIL's son. Nd my cosister is always competition with me even about the vessel cleaning nd house cleaning , she will not talk properly with me. I don't care about things. when I stayed at my hometown my parents celebrated my son birthday just simple only, I called my inlaws, I invited them very politely nd I did not invited my BIl nd Cosister , Becoz simple party na nd it is full rainy season no proper power also I we don't want to invite my side relatives nd their side relatives, That day my father inlaw came nd gifted dress for my son nd He stayed one day nd he went , But my MIL not came, after somedays I went to my MIL home she talked gud only , she behaved gud only, becoz I am pregnant na so,
After long days my parents met them in one function that time she started emotional drama, U are not invited me, u r not invited my edler DIL also, actually U daughter also not invited me properly. For me also no daughters we treat u r daughter like my daughter, but she never behaved like my daughter, she have very angry .. .. . .. .etc etc, like that my Mil talked, after 2 days my father called nd asked me y ur not called u r MIL to birthday party .That time I devasted nd shocked. I know always she behaves like that only every time for every thing. So I called them very politely but this time also she showed double face nd used another toung.
And I called nd I asked my MIl about party y u told gossips to my parents about me, what they think? Nd I invited na for u r grand son birthday but why u r telling lies to my parents about me like that I asked
Immediately she said not you, u r mom is not invited me. So I didn't came to party like that she said nd she fought with me in phone nd she talked very cheap nd low calss lady .So I also fought with her phone nd cut the call. Now no contacts with her, she called to after one month of this incidence but I did not pick up the phone becoz I hurt badly.This entire matter I told to my hubby and he said simply leave it nd don't care about them ,but My MIL is playing drama nd acting like a emotional queen in front of my hubby, he is not reacted anything in front me in this matter, Still with in 3 months I didn't called nd talked with her, Now I am going to my hometown for my delivery my problem is she will come to see me or not ? Or she will come to hospital for her grand child birth nd she will talk gud with my parents ? How they treat my parents nd after baby born at my parents place only we have some functions for that will she come or not, like that I am thinking don't know wt to do but I don't want to talk with her bcoz she hurt me badly, but her son is not asked her mother y u talked with my wife like that ? She is calling and telling her side version with my hubby ( for me I don't care wt she told with their son)
I don't have mental peace with her, daily her thoughts only killing me Now I am 8 th month pregnant na no peace of mind my cosister also not talking nd not asking about my health but I need to call them for every single matter.
Plz @SGBV nd @yellowmango give some strength to my mindnd heart. My hubby is not listing clearly nd simply he is saying leave it leave it leave it , that one word only he is saying? He is saying behave like a mature person nd don't care thierwords like that he is saying. I am getting mad with their talks nd chepa tricks.
Plz give tips to handle them nd behave with them? ?
Mine is very cheerful nd friendly nature but I don't know how to behave with them.
Sorry for long post nd I am poor in English. So plz understand clearly. My cosister also feeling jealous about me in this pregnancy becoz they had only one boy nd she behaving very different also towards this pregnancy.. For every small matter my parents only helps to me, she will not invlove in any help regarding to me, But always she is pointing my parents , She came to my parents home so many times nd she ate nd enjoyed very well with my parents but when my parents met in them functions that time only she told so many silly things about me.
Click to expand...

lukywife, Nov 29, 2018

lukywife, Nov 29, 2018

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pinkydarling likes this.
Nov 29, 2018 #14

pinkydarling Platinum IL'ite

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Rihana said: ↑

You should not be worrying about these things in 8th month. Better if you follow your husband's suggestion and just leave such matters. But, if you are trying to understand why it happened, here are two things that stood out:

Even for a simple party, BIL and co-sister should have been invited. Excluding them was not a wise move. They do not fall under "relatives" category.

From your description, it seems like your in-laws and perhaps your family also are on the traditional side. In such families, the usual protocol is for same age/generation person to call and invite. You can invite your co-sis, but your MIL/FIL needed an invitation from your parents for a party in your parents' house. You can give MIL all the details about the party, but for formality sake your mother is expected to take the phone and tell your MIL, "Please do come."

I am not a fan of such protocol and requirements, but it is what it is.
Click to expand...

ThnkQ so much for u r reply.
Yes dear i should not worry about these things in this time. This time is very precious so I need to enjoy but situations are disappointed me. Yeah u said correct
Yes BIL nd Cosister are not relatives they are family only. They were never invited my parents to any parties nd any functions. So for that only I neglected.
Yes she excepted a call nd invitation from my mom. Me only avoided that time becoz she never invited my parents to her family functions in a proper way. Always behaves like a don't care method towards my parents side. Actually we invited somany functions from my side she also attended very happily. But she never call to my mum nd never invited my parents . Nd if my mum call to her means she will talk differently nd some unrelated stuff. So for that reason also I avoided my mom to call her. Nd she do nagging for every small matter in front of their sons.
Yes sister my parents and me also not fan for that protocol but we will follow . My inlaw is super fan of this protocol but she will not follow. Then wt to do I am DIL na so I don't do anything.
As per IL friends suggestions only iam not thinking about her. And any way I learned alot with this situation. U know sister I cried alot for her words nd her behavior. She is not to much bad. But not much good. Not a matured person that only bothers me. With that immature behavior she is giving bad feedback about my parents to her son ( my hubby ). He is only son in law to my parents. For in these days I never care about her behavior but now only starting worrying becoz she is feeding immature thoughts to my hubby. He is listing every thing. Nd thinking like a small baby. U know sister we are staying so far away to my in-laws nd mothers place. She always emotionally blackmailing with her cries nd her words witn my hubby. So I am scaring for that reason only. I cried alot alot . . How can I leave becoz it is impacting on my life.But nothing is our hands. OMG she is very talktive. I can't bear with that cunning behavior so simply I am avoiding her from now. I try to mingle with them very well but they all are living in different zone. So I am only adjusting .
Sorry for giving long msg .Some emotional inner feeling.
ThnQ for spending u r valuable time on my post.

pinkydarling, Nov 29, 2018

pinkydarling, Nov 29, 2018

#14
Nov 30, 2018 #15

pinkydarling Platinum IL'ite

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lukywife said: ↑

Dear - So far everything is good. Your mil did something wrong, her expectations are wrong. You weren’t calm, you asked her straight you expressed your displeasure and you didn’t pick her call. Good. Yoop for yourself. Your husband didn’t force you to speak to her. Now it’s time to forgive her. Forgive her behaviour. If she comes to you, show genuine love without becoming a doormat. If she talks about past, tell no you can’t talk to me about that or you cannot talk bad about my parents. If she taunts you or your parents in future, tell straight you won’t appreciate the behaviour. If you forgive, it’s very easy to handle difficult people. difficult people are scared of honesty. You won’t be emotional if you forgive, you can always communicate your boundaries. Forgiveness will make you feel good about yourself. It will boost self esteem. You communicated your displeasure to her, now forgive. Good job so far. Forgive her compassionately. She is a old person with patriarchal baggages.
Click to expand...

Haii dear. ThnkQ for understanding me.
Yes first time I stood for my self.Everytime I am adjusting nd I am bending towards her without any my fault. But she didn't changed her behavior .So first time I stood for my self becoz I am only suffering.
Yes dear forgiveness is very great thing. Nd I am trying to forgive her. One week back I talked formally like how r u , how is life going on. And that day onwards no talks nothing.
Sure I will follow u r suggestions nd and I will be Good with her.
Sure I will communicate with in boundaries only.
U know some times my heart is thinking about her only becoz I was talked very close to her nd treated like my mother. But she shows her original nature so my heart is not supporting to forgive but as per u r suggestion I will forgive her.
ThnkQ for u r valuable suggestion.

pinkydarling, Nov 30, 2018

pinkydarling, Nov 30, 2018

#15
Nov 30, 2018 #16

pinkydarling Platinum IL'ite

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@SonyThumma ,@yellowmango , @Rihana, @lukywife, @Agathinai
Dear Ilites with u suggestions u people made my day very happy.
Really u r suggestions gave some clarity on my problem. Now my mind also free.
ThnkQ for spending u r valuable time.
U r suggestions are marvelous nd very important for me.
So keep giving u r suggestions to ladies who seek advice.
Becoze it is sometimes life nd death matter for so many people. So u r advices are worth it.

pinkydarling, Nov 30, 2018

pinkydarling, Nov 30, 2018

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Nov 30, 2018 #17

pinkydarling Platinum IL'ite

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Made a call to my in Law
Nd asked how r u doing, how is things going on like that I talked nd she also replied very good manner only.
Just did a formal talk infornt of my hubby.
I felt scared but anyway finished one task.
Nd my hubby did not continued the call,in between only he took phone from my side nd my hubby said enough don't talk deeply.
I felt stressed while talking but any way good or bad I talked.

pinkydarling, Nov 30, 2018

pinkydarling, Nov 30, 2018

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Dec 1, 2018 #18

SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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Pinky, please focus on your baby. Nothing is more important than a healthy pregnancy and safe delivery. What MIL said or did is really irrelevant at this point in your life. Best wishes with the baby.

SinghManisha, Dec 1, 2018

SinghManisha, Dec 1, 2018

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Dec 1, 2018 #19

pinkydarling Platinum IL'ite

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SinghManisha said: ↑

Pinky, please focus on your baby. Nothing is more important than a healthy pregnancy and safe delivery. What MIL said or did is really irrelevant at this point in your life. Best wishes with the baby.
Click to expand...

Yes, You are true.
ThankQ

pinkydarling, Dec 1, 2018

pinkydarling, Dec 1, 2018

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Dec 1, 2018 #20

lukywife Gold IL'ite

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Very happy to hear you talked to her and got good response from her. Your husband is doing the right thing. Wishing you the best.

pinkydarling said: ↑

Made a call to my in Law
Nd asked how r u doing, how is things going on like that I talked nd she also replied very good manner only.
Just did a formal talk infornt of my hubby.
I felt scared but anyway finished one task.
Nd my hubby did not continued the call,in between only he took phone from my side nd my hubby said enough don't talk deeply.
I felt stressed while talking but any way good or bad I talked.
Click to expand...

lukywife, Dec 1, 2018

lukywife, Dec 1, 2018

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